…since I have blogged here. I doubt I will get any comments. I have been without internet for just about that long. I had left homeschool blogger and started another blog and then we stopped our internet service for various reasons and I have missed it immensely. Not just because of blogging but all the other various reasons we run to the library once or twice a week to use it. I am so thankful to have it back and I want to let anyone who reads this to know that I will not be blogging here. I will blog on my blogger blog which you can find in a few entries down. I do however want to keep this blog for a while to print out my blog. I still have to do that and it may take a while. So thank you to whoever runs the show here 
for not erasing me yet!! It’s so good to be back in the world of blog.
I miss blogging, but I am without the internet right now. I am doing this entry because I do not want to lose this blog. It’s like a journal to me and when I get a chance i am going to print it all out-it just takes so much time. I hope that I can get it back someday-the internet I mean. Until then please do not delete my blog if possible. Thanks!
I decided to post my pictures of our trip on blogger because it’s much easier to upload them. So, for anyone who cares to see them it is the following:
Just click on the link. I will probably be posting more there than here. So come on over and check it out.
I look at this beautiful world around me and wonder why on earth I am here. I watch people live their lives like they know what they want and they have plans. I never had many plans because I was always too busy thinking. My life was and is laid out one day at a time. I never saw my future in my head, or imagined where I would be in ten years, and that has not changed about me.
Unfortunately, my life isn’t any easier because I’m busy thinking about what to do in the next few moments instead of the next few years. On the contrary, my brain is always a-buzz with some idea, and for a long time that idea has been extremely deep and unexplainable. If I were to try to talk about it, people would either be shocked, exasperated, or bored because I do not feel people really want to talk about it, or they just know I am wacko for even thinking about it?
Why am I here? Why are you here? Why are we here? Maybe you never really thought about it before because you all believe you already know why you are here, but do you?
See? I can already see people skipping past the rest of this post quickly, or reading on just to see how wacko I really am.
For many months now I have been asking God to reveal the truth to me about this life, and Who He is, and What exactly it is that He is doing. Not just with me, but with everyone.
Our lives are so short-a vapor the Bible proclaims-yet how many of us actually think about that. Of course when people turn fifty, sixty, and seventy, they think about it, I am sure. But I am thirty-two, and I think about it sometimes but not enough to make a difference in my life.
Amidst my searching, I began to read the web. Different religions, even atheism, just to see where the world is coming from, because I honestly do not know much about the world. I found a site that made alot of sense to me, but goes against much of what I was taught all of my life growing up in a Baptist home-which is not saying much, really.
I grabbed a Bible from the twenty or so that we already own, and I started to study it, seriously. I try to understand some of the Greek and Hebrew language as I read, and I am still on my quest to know for sure what the truth is.
The question I now face, like looking up mount everest before my first climb, is how do I know in my heart that I know the truth?
That is a loaded question that has been buzzing around in my head these past few weeks.
Why am I here? Why are you here? What is God doing, and why is He doing it?
I feel alone because I sit and watch everyone live their lives-some happily, others not so happily. People have plans or problems or both. Life skips merrily by, and some people seem to be fulfilled, others not so fulfilled. All the while I’m back here hiding in the bushes, wondering why in God’s green earth did He create this place, me, you, and, well, everything.
Am I the only one here? Am I alone in this?
I wish I could say that I want to let it go and go on with my life, but I would be lying. I sincerely want to know what’s going on here, don’t you? Maybe not. It’s just too complicated, or too much to think about, I wholeheartedly agree. It’s just not that simple for me.
Have you ever asked God why? Have you ever wanted to know more than what everyone else tells you is the truth? Have you ever wondered why there are so many religions, and then divisions within those religions, and divisions of divisions. I get a headache thinking about it. How do you know for sure you are right? How do I know I am right? How does anyone?
I am at the point where I believe that most people do not care about any of this, and it’s probably better that way-happier, less confusing, and mind numbing! But not for me!
In the end, we will all know the whole of the matter. I guess I just don’t want to wait that long!
I feel like the cowardly lion in search of the magical wizard who, with a wave of his wand, can bestow courage on me. I AM the cowardly lion, and I need to muster some courage. I am tired of running and hiding from what I am afraid of. I have been doing that all of my life, and it isn’t rewarding. On the contrary, it can be very humiliating. I want to face my fear square in the eye and tell it where to go!
The funny thing is, my biggest fear isn’t what most people would consider a normal phobia, like heights, or failure, or spiders, maybe fire-no. I am afraid of me. I came to this realization that I cannot trust myself. I do not succeed in much and when I do succeed it’s because I believed I would and did not quit until I did. There are not many things in my life that I have accomplished because of this fear of my own inconsistencies!
Now I am not only faced with a fear of myself, but also the fear of the big wide world, which I do not like. It’s actually a choice between the two. I would rather face off with myself at this point. I am tired of worrying about whether or not I can do it-whatever it may be. Nine times out of ten, I fail because I didn’t really try to begin with because I knew I would fail in the end.
I lack confidence. I lack courage! Determination and ambition have alluded me. I am lazy, and I always want to take the easy way out. I am tired of myself.
I am going to homeschool this year. I am going to face all the fears that daily bombard my thoughts because of homeschooling. I am going to be determined and try to stay that way. I am going to ask for help when I need it. I am going to try, and try again!
It hit me today that I am bored. There is always housework to do-that will always be there, but I want more. I want my life to mean something. I think about the days that pass, and the time that I am not very good at redeeming. Where does it go and how do I spend it. I have so much of it and yet I don’t. It slips through my fingers like sand and the tighter I squeeze the quicker it seems to fall.
I was left with the final question, "Am I going to homeschool, or get a job and send the kids to school." It is honestly, less ominous for me to homeschool then to throw myself out into the workforce again. Yet I don’t want to homeschool because I am afraid to work.
All the facts and ideas swimming around in my thoughts swirled together and rested on one thing-where I would be most fulfilled. My honest answer was in my home, with my family. I want to be here for my kids. I want to be the one to teach them about life and the things that are most important.
This is where it gets tricky. This is where I need courage, confidence, determination, and ambition to be the kind of stay-at-home wife and mom that my family needs. I am not organized. I have failed too many times to count, but I don’t want to stop trying. Even as I now write, I feel a twinge of confidence springing up in me. But it wanes at times-as I am sure it does in all of humanity when things get tough.
I have to move forward. Homeschooling makes the most sense to me. I need to put my whole heart into it and make it our way of life-something I failed to do last year. I am not planning on making that same mistake this year.
Here goes nothing…
3menandalittlelady