• Jan. 19, 2008
Writing Workshop Lesson 6
Here is my Tour of my Bedroom.
As you walk in the door you see my Fluffy blue Pillow/Chair Sitting on the Floor in front of you. Behind the Pillow is my Bunk bed i share with my little brother. Under the Bed is a variety of Things. Including CD Books Shoes and Other Things. Across from that is the Closet. Now i won't tell you whats inside of it because that would take to long. :-) In front of the door is a Small pillow and Blanket that Belong to my American girl doll Also there is a Doll Sized Suitcase and Chair. Behind the Chair is a metal Shelf OVERFLOWING With Toys! Underneath are Toys we want to get rid of but we Haven't gotten around to doing it yet. next to that is My Older Brothers Dresser Covered in Books Video games and Clothes. Me and My Brothers Dresser However is Clean. Stacks of Books Are Placed on it And A Disney Princess Jewelry box is Standing up next to it. You Turn towards the Door to leave but you see something Green on the Door. You come closer and see that it is a Sticker. Probably from a cereal box. It says Yikes! When you go out the door and into the cold you say. "Gee how am i going to get home In All this Snow?"
The End!
I can't Post my Picture of the Ship but i can tell you it looked REALLY AWESOME! Here are five dead words me and my brother have come up with.
This Those Messy Neat Nothing. LOL!
Comments
• Jan. 19, 2008
Lesson 6
Posted by skmarlow
Yes, Abby, you are sailing right along. I hope you are not rushing through, but are really applying the things you are learning so your story will grab readers and carry them along. :-)
The tour of your bedroom is vivid, which means you used great word choices to let me "see" what your room looked like. I especially liked "overflowing" (great word) and the "Disney Princess Jewelry Box." I knew right away what you were describing.
However, I did find a couple of "dead" words in the beginning: "variety" and "things." I'm sure you could have been more descriptive, though I will admit that sometimes we are forced to use a dead word or two. We just don't want to make a habit of it. LOL
Sometimes if you MUST use a dead word, add a simile, like "It was as HOT (dead word) as a blast furnace."
You listed some good dead words; however "this" and "those" are not really dead words, at least not in the way that we are talking about them. I'm think more of words like "weird" "awesome" "funky" "cool" and so on.
Nice job. Take a break! LOL
