(cross post from my main blog):

Several years ago, I had a very difficult time with the idea that I wasn't 'doing' anything for the Lord. What I mean by that, is that I was busy comparing my life, to the lives of others who seemed to be doing so much in the church, or in this ministry, or that.

I used to look at their lives (or what I thought their lives were like) and think "now why am I not doing something like that?"

The problem is, several-fold.

First, comparing my life and my mission in this life, to anyone else. Always a bad move, and so very hard not to do. The logical part of my brain tells me "you are not that person, you are you, and what God has for you to do, and learn, is not always what He has for them to do, or learn". The emotional/worrisome part of my brain says "you're a loser, you're not doing enough". It has not been easy to silence that emotional part.

Secondly, I'm not even the kind of person (personality wise) that is suited for alot of the kinds of minsitries I was so busy comparing myself to. I don't like being the center of attention, I don't like to lead, I much prefer to work alone, as opposed to being in a group, and I much prefer to work behind the scenes. That effectively eliminates me from many kinds of ministries in the church.

Third, and certainly not the least, is that I have a mission field right in my own house. I never really thought about my kids this way, until someone else pointed it out to me. Everyone who knows me, knows I have 7 kids - and most of them - when they first learn of this - say the same thing: "I don't know how you do it". (Tip: mountain grown beans).

I have explained before, it would be one thing if one day, someone suddenly dropped 7 different people, of different ages, personalities and attitudes, on my doorstep - and said "here, raise these people". Now that would be a monumental challenge.

Of course it doesn't happen that way, and as each new person joined the family we all adapted to the new circumstances one day (sometimes one missed night of sleep) at a time. Over time, your schedules, plans, etc. just form around your family, as it continues to grow. It's really not that big of a deal to me, because I live it daily. To someone else, it might seem overwhelming, and that's understandable, most people do not have 7 kids (only 5 still live at home).

I do lament, however, over the timing of my realizing my very own mission field. I've always had the attitude that my children come first (before my plans, wants, etc.) but I never figured into that, their spiritual life and how vitally important that was, until 10 years ago. By then, my oldest girls were 12, 9 and 5 and it seemed too late, in many ways. I know it's never too late for God, but for them, they were not raised up from birth, with hearing the the gospel with their ears, and seeing it lived out in their home. This will likely nag at my heart for the rest of my life.

Today while sweeping the kitchen floor, a thought occured to me, of a conversation I once had with my oldest daughter, when she was in her early teens. She'd gone to youth group that night, and I don't recall what the topic was at the study, but when she came home she had so many questions, we ended up sitting on the couch for almost 4 hours, talking. Her questions were on faith, the Scriptures, creation, and all those wonderful things of God that every mother hopes her child will one day ask, in earnest.

The part of the conversation that I remembered today, was the part when she asked "how can someone just stop believing what they always believed, growing up?". I told her I didn't know, that it seemed weird to me that someone who once believed, or seemed like they once believed, would one day deny what they used to profess. I remember telling her it would be like if she one day denied that grass is green, and doubted me for teaching her that grass is indeed green. She said something along the lines of "that's crazy, grass will always be green, no matter who denies it".

She was and is correct, grass will always be green, and the truths of Scripture will always be true, no matter who holds to them.

This is my oldest daughter, and I honestly do not know what her spiritual condition is. For many years she professed Christ - even evangelized the neighborhood children on a regular basis. She was baptised (yes, full immersion) at 12, and until a few years ago, took her Christianity seriously. I don't know her heart, and I cannot pretend to know her thoughts, so I won't say she no longer takes it seriously, but she does embrace a worldly lifestyle in several ways. Not a lifestyle that would be consistant with Scripture, or a good example for her younger siblings. This is no secret for me to say this, she knows I don't approve, and she knows why. I never lecture her on it, there is no reason to.

I said that about her, not to criticise her, but to point out something about me, and my mission field. It seems it's also a mine field, in certain ways. As every parent will admit, parenting is a very difficult thing to do, and you end up learning more from the mistakes (mines) you make, than anything else. In some very relevant ways, both of my oldest daughters are living lifestyles that are direct results of my negligance in bringing them up in the ways of God. Both were baptised, both once professed, both once had alot of questions (our second oldest still does) but both live in the world, and worldy lives.

While they stand accountable to God for their own choices, so do I, for the way they were raised. This is something I take quite seriously.

Due to this, in part, we made the decision to homeschool. To truly ground these kids in a Biblical worldview, in all areas. To do everything we can, to make certain they are brought up in a house that reveres the Lord Jesus Christ, and lives to please Him.

Because we homeschool, and because we have 5 kids at home between the ages of (almost) 15 and 2, this limits the time I have to be involved in anything else, outside the home. I'm not complaining, don't get me wrong. I'm very thankful for this. I have a full plate here in my house, this is my mission field - their hearts, their minds, their manners, their academics, the full spectrum. It is beyond a full time job, and it's no job at all. It is my duty, my obligation, and my blessing, to be one of the people in their lives that is teaching them these things, from the time they get up, until the time they go to bed.

And I still step on mines, in the field called home.

I did it yesterday with Samuel. He was disobedient in an area he really struggles with, and I lost my patience with him. It tugged at my heart all night, and this morning I had to first apologize to him, and secondly, try to explain to how in a very similar way, he struggles with certain things that are bad, I also struggle with having patience - how we all fall short - and where the wisdom, and the strength to walk rightly, comes from. We had a good talk about this - and while he's only 4, I do think he understood the basics of that talk. He never got himself into trouble at all today, and this was a major victory for Samuel. At the end of the day after I kissed him goodnight, I said "wasn't this a good day? wasn't this ALOT better than how things have been going?" He didn't really understand what I meant, and he replied "mom, I'm really tired, I didn't take a nap today". He pulled his blanket up to his chin and rolled over. I said "it's okay Samuel, sleep good".

Yes, my mission field is also a mine field, but I thank God I have it, and I thank Him for these kids, even when we step on mines at the same time. May they be fewer and fewer as I grow up in Christ, and they grow up under me.

SDG