Knights Becoming and a Lady in Waiting

Anger Anonymous: Step Five

5.  Admit to God, myself, and another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.

I have always had a quick temper, but I have not always been an angry person.  When I was a child, I got angry very quickly over very stupid things-- and then got over it.  I never held a grudge.  I couldn't even remember the incident by the next day.

I am trying to remember the first time that I started holding a grudge.  I know I got through high school without grudges.  I think I even got through early college.

I wonder if I started holding grudges when I married a non-Christian?

Don't get me wrong.  I'm NOT blaming him for my problems!  At least, I'm not blaming him for it now.  But I think I've resented my husband for a lot things as time has gone by.

• I wasn't married in my home church by my family pastor
• I don't have that "Circle of Two" relationship with my husband
• I have three boys, but I am trying to be the Godly example in their life-- while having to be their spiritual mentor.  How can I demonstrate wifely submission when I am not allowed to be submissive?

So I definitely have some resentment... I guess that translates to a grudge.  Ouch.

I also learned a lot about my sisters after I was married.  They did a lot of things without me.  Some of the things they did without me I'm quite happy I to have been excluded from.  Others, though... leave me hurt that I didn't get a chance to have my sisters be my best friends.

I had a lot of resentment in jobs I worked after my marriage (well, mostly one job).  I still simmer when I think of that job.

My maid of honor didn't ask me to be in her wedding-- even though she had three bridesmaids and one she had only known a few weeks.

My children aren't perfect.  Doesn't that reflect on ME?

I can't keep my house clean like I'd like it, make the meals I envision, keep a tidy yard, or keep up with any of my hobbies.  I can't even do homeschooling how I envision it.

Ooh.  Okay.  I guess with all that simmering below the surface, there's plenty of opportunity to be bitter.

I wasn't too bad when my first son was born.  I had few stressors in my life and I got to spend all day, every day, with a infant/ baby/ toddler.

When my second son was born, not only did I worry about my first son waking HIM up, but DH worked the night shift, so I worried about waking Daddy up, too.  Worry translated into anger when my kids didn't see the "common" courtesy I expected of them.

Aiee.  Seeing it all in print is very humbling.  How... prideful and wrong to expect my children to know how to be polite-- and to expect growing little boys to be endlessly quiet.

Am I angry when I wake up?  Sometimes.  Some days I haven't slept and I resent having to get up to take care of other people.  Some days I've actually slept very well and I just want to finish my dream!  Other days I wake up to a certain Prince already making messes for me to clean up-- and I haven't even started my day yet!

Am I angry when I go to bed?  Sometimes.  Some days I have that last argument with my husband and I am so exhausted from the sheer emotion that I fall asleep with all that balled up inside me.

Obviously I am angry many times in between.  I yell at my children.  Not just a "You stop that right now!", but a tirade of angry and *wince* yes, sometimes abusive words that hurt my little ones.  I never had a foul mouth before (I never used strong language at all), but it flows freely when I am angry now. 

The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart.  For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.  Luke 6:45

How to fight that?

From the rising of the sun to the going down of the same the LORD's name is to be praised.  Psalm 113:3

 

Pray without ceasing.  1 Thessalonians 5:17

 

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all of these things will be given to you as well.  Matthew 6:33

I certainly hope Step Six gives me somewhere to go with this sad inventory of my life.  I was strongly debating keeping this to myself so I could be more honest, but I decided to try to be as honest as possible anyway and still share it.  Maybe, just maybe, it will help someone else out there who is struggling.  You are not alone.  I also couldn't think of anyone else to share this all with for Step Five.  Will there be some who judge me?  There might.  Will there be some who love me anyway?  Yes.  I've seen that again and again.

Here it is, in black and white.  The ugly side of me.  The human side of me.  The side of me that I want to give over to God and let Him take control of, because I obviously am in a losing battle.  Step Five: Admit to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.  Fini.