That's it. As of today, I quit. Not everyone is meant to homeschool. I'm apparently one of those. And it hurts to think that. We have never sent our chlidren to PS, never wanted to... but I just can't do this.
I'm tired and sick. I have had bronchitis for more than two months and I don't get enough sleep at night between nursing a 4-month-old who won't take a bottleful of anything (breast milk or formula) and coughing to wake us both up. I shuttle children to swimming lessons, the library, skating lessons, music lessons, MOPS, church, grocery shopping and more. I run around stressing about getting to everything and don't enjoy anything, including my children.
My son hates school. He fights any lessons, backtalks me constantly, bullies his brothers, stays up too late at night (in his room, but still up), and has an attitude you don't expect to see in anyone until at least teen or tween years.
My children are afraid of me. They are afraid that I might lose my temper and scream for little (or no) provocation. They are afraid that I might belittle them because I can't seem to stop expecting perfection and immediate responses. They are afraid that I'll discipline out of anger instead of out of love.
I dread mornings, when my husband leaves for work. I dread evenings, when he comes home and sees that nothing is done. My yard is a shambles, my house a mess, and I cook only what I must to keep people fed. I resent the constant laundry, cleaning, groceries, diapers, baths, cooking, and dishes. I am frustrated over not getting my own shower without a major act of planning, let alone exercise time, quiet time, or even time to plan (so that I can get the shower in the first place).
My children may not like me at all at this point. Some days, I don't like them much at all either. I certainly don't like myself. What kind of mother doesn't love her children unconditionally?
I have picked up language that I would never condone anyone else using around my children. My mouth runs wild and then I just dislike myself more.
How can it not be better to send my children off to PS? True, they may learn less. They may not get "Bible" as part of their curriculum. They may have to deal with all the yuck of the world. But when they come home, they come home to Mommy, who loves them and who has missed them all day and wants to spend time with them. Instead, right now, they wake up to a stressed-out bully who is their teacher and disciplinarian and wants so badly to go away for hours or days-- or send them away. They have to deal with a woman who is slowly learning to hate herself for not treasuring the precious gift her children are and for the insecurity she has placed in her children's lives.
I don't want to do this. I don't want to quit. But I don't want to damage these precious little ones and their relationship with me to the point where it can't be mended. I don't think I am abusive, but I am not the loving mother that they deserve.
I hurt. I am depressed five or six days out of each week. I just want to find a nice, dark hole, bury myself in it, and hope someone far more fit for the job will love my children and let them know how much they are loved.
I want to give up. I want to not give up. I want help.. and I am afraid to ask for it, even if I knew who to ask for it. I want to send them to school just "for a while," but I know our district is known for keeping track of "removed" homeschoolers and that this could cause problems later. I feel like I have no options and no solutions.
I'm sorry for venting all this, but if I don't, I don't know what else to do. If I do, maybe, just maybe, someone out there has an answer for me. A solution. Help. Please, pretty please, no platitudes about how God can help me. I know this in my head and it doesn't matter right now. God helps when we let him and I am so far out of His hand at the moment that I couldn't hear Him if I tried-- if I had time to try.
I'll stop now. For those few of you who do read this, I'm sorry.
I've been in this same mindset too! Weeks of just BAD days, really bad ones!
You just feel like they'd be better off anywhere but where YOU are? I won't try and convince you that keeping them HSing is the answer, but I do pray for your weary heart. Our burden is SO heavy it seems! Heart to Heart!
Michelle
ps-something that did help me lessen the load was to cut out most of our extracurricular outside running around activities. This made a big difference. HAaving time to just be at home and be a mom and homemaker versus a taxi cab driver trying to fit everything else in around those activities.
Michelle
Oh my goodness I could have written that! I was just preparing dinner and thinking about how I have been sinking into a pit of failure as a wife and mother over the last year, and how I was going to blog about it, and then I read this from you and you've said almost everything I was going to say at first.
But I had a second part to it --- this IS from the enemy who comes to steal, kill, and destroy! We can not let him win the war. Though he seems to be winning every battle, we can not let him win the war! .
Pray --- first praise God,even if you can't think of anything to praise Him for. Just say something like, "Lord, I don't feel like praising You right now but I praise You anyway. Send Your Holy Spirit to me to help me to praise you."
Then start thanking him for your children and your husband and for the blessing of homeschooling.
Then confess that you have sinned in your attitudes and actions ... name those sins by name as you confess. One of those sins would be *allowing* the enemy to come in and steal, kill, and destroy. And I'm not here pointing a finger at you and accusing you of anything ... like I said, I AM IN THE SAME PLACE!!! I have been a TERRIBLE mother and wife lately and so overwhelmed and burdened, it's been so embarressing I haven't told ANYBODY else.
Finally - OK the LORD just laid it on my heart for you to read and memorize Philippians 4:8 - Now I've got to make this quick because my husband just called and said be ready to leave ASAP because he's taking us to eat even though I've already started dinner! FINALLY ... put on the full armor of God and FIGHT! Worship is warfare, so worship. And Jesus gave us the authority OVER the enemy so you have the right and the responsibility to say "Get off me, Satan!" or however you want to word it. =)
Ok like I said I have to make this quick - SORRY! I will keep you in my prayers and please feel free to email me if you want to talk!
Little maker of the home,
What do you really do?
When it all is said and done,
What will be said of you?
You rise each day and like the sun
You give your life away.
And tired, you’ve run the course again,
You need to hear Him say:
Well done,
Oh, maker of the home
Well done,
You labor not alone.
And though your eyes may never see,
This home you live to make,
You make for Me.
Your life a shadow seems,
Compared to what the others do.
But who would catch the tears,
And point to Me,
If not for you?
And when they’ve grown,
Imprinted on their hearts will always be,
How good, how right, to give their lives,
And build a home for Me.
Lyrics by Beverly Bradley Copyright 1992
FAMILY MINISTRIES, PO Box 1412, Fair Oaks, CA 95628
I have just begun the journey of homeschooling, but I have had four children in four years and with #2 and #4 I wanted to quit BREATHING; I can't imagine if I had been homeschooling too!!! I sounded SO similar to you when you said that you were so far away from God that you wouldn't know what to do if you wanted to. That was me. I didn't care. I love God with all my heart. At the time though, I was in such a dark place. I gritted my teeth at my little ones and thought, " I am not FIT to even be a stay-at-home Mom!" I tried to convince Nathan that I should go back to work and HE should stay home with them, because "God didn't make me able to handle this". It is hard and it is without any thanks MOST of the days, but that is little concellation when you are depressed and would rather just NOT anyway.
Please, please,please know that you are not alone and that SO MANY of us have felt the SAME way that you feel now. They may not post it, but they have. I think the BIGGEST disservice older/wisers sometimes do to the younger Mommies is make it seem like it was all banana bread and fingerpainting all the time. It isn't and it isn't even a lot like that.
So stop Homeschooling, Not forever, but just for a couple of weeks. Push yourself through this by FORCING yourself to pray. I know, you can't and honestly you won't. You will bow your head and either sob or just say over and over "this is so stupid!". But God has sent us the Holy SPirit that intercedes for us, especially when we can't. Jesus is sitting at God's right hand RIGHT NOW interceding for you. He loves you and he will see you through this.
Talk , talk, talk about how you feel with someone; anyone. Let them tell you that you are not crazy. You aren't. EMAIL ME. I am telling you. I almost lost my marraige (or I should say gave it up) over the same feeligns that you are describing in your post.
Please don't quit. Not now anyway. You wouldn't be deciding on an even keel. Does that make sense? Is there anyone that you trust to come and sit with your kids for a day while you get away?
If you take nothing from this post, please take that others of us have felt the way you do now. You arent' alone on that island : )
Please know that I will be praying for you. Keep me posted.
I have been where you are, and it stinks!!! It is not fun, and it hurts to feel that you are a failure at all the things you most want to be a success at. There have been many times in my life when I could have sat down and written this same letter. I truly do understand.
My advice is to forget the homeschooling for a few weeks. You don't dare to officially quit now, because you know that you are not thinking clearly at the moment. You certainly do not want to make a decision now that you will regret later. But do step away for a couple weeks or more, and give you and the children a break from all that is going on.
You also need to decide if you are feeling depressed, or if you ARE depressed. If you are feeling down in the dumps, talking to friends here and perhaps at your church or family members can help. Don't have a super-mom complex, feeling that you can't admit that you are feeling this way and are not able to cope well right now. I bet anything there are people who would love to sit down and talk with you, and just getting it out in the open truly does help. Or are you going through a *true* depression, where there is some sort of chemical imbalance going on? Don't count this out, and if things continue to feel hopeless and totally out of control, please seek professional help from a Christian counselor. I ended up having to take medication along with counseling to get me into an upward spiral. Stuff in life was overwhelming and I couldn't cope, but the added chemical imbalance kept me from being able to help myself as much as I needed to, even with the help and support of family and friends. There is no shame in needing professional help, if you feel this is necessary.
During your break from homeschooling, why not try working on just a couple things that will make you feel that you are getting at least a couple things under control? Perhaps working on just character development and discipline with the children? You could just read aloud from some great books that emphasize the character qualities you want to see in the kids. You could use some of the attitude/discipline charts from Doorposts to help you be consistent in your discipline, and know that you are disciplining consistently and for a reason, and not out of your own frustration or anger. Plan some non-stressful family activities that you can all just ENJOY together---rent a movie and pop some popcorn, play a silly game, have an "ice cream for breakfast day," etc. Pick one very small thing to do for yourself each day, and make yourself do it....during my really bad days, sometimes my one small thing was as small as making sure that I got dressed and washed my face that day.
Please know that you are not alone. I have had trouble just recently, with just my youngest son, 17yo, still at home, to the point that I was ready to give up and throw it all in. Everything here at the house was beyond out of control, and even my marriage was suffering. I needed to get a grip, talk to God a lot, go to my counselor to have my meds adjusted, and be gentle with myself (being a perfectionist in this situation doesn't help much...)
Please feel free to visit my blog and drop a message or email me. I'll be praying for you. It isn't hopeless, I promise...it just looks like it to you right now. Please take care of your health and try to get some sleep. Have you seen a doctor about the cough and not being able to sleep? Sleep deprivation can make you feel totally at the end of your rope, too.
Kathy
I have felt the same feelings you are feeling now. I have been ready to send them anywhere, I tried to pray but didn't feel like it, my attitude was awful, my house was a disaster (still is) and I couldn't keep my head above water. Thankfully you find people who will go to bat for you when you can't and slowly but surely you get out of that slump. One day gets a little better and gradually you realize that you were supposed to be doing this, but God never said it would be easy. I have been praying for you that God will bind Satan. We have the power through the Holy Spirit against the enemy and we cannot let him have our children. Let me give you a prayer my husband e-mailed me one day when I was having just one of those days. That is of course when I find it -- it's in a notebook that is under a pile of something somewhere -- papers, catalogs, toys, who knows.
And also, none of my children would take a bottle of anything either. You have a four month old and three other children and you are very tired and vulnerable right now. Satan knows that. He also knows what makes your child tick that will set you off too -- I know, I too have a child with such an attitude and he's only 8. Sweet and sensitive, and mouthy and retalitory at the same time. I'm not saying that you are not the only one; I'm saying you are not alone. Thankfully you have other Christians reading this who will pray for you, and remember that the Holy Spirit will intervene for you when you can't make things sound right.
Jennifer :)
I don't know how to tell you all how much reading the comments has helped me. We have quit homeschooling-- for now. I have convinced my son to give up his ice skating class and I have a message in with the doctor's office to get a full check-up. I knew all these things before, but the SuperMom complex had taken over and I thought I could just "gut through it" until May. I have also (re)started up a Bible study I was doing before and have spent a little more time on my knees than I had in the recent past.
Thank you all for the comments, prayers, and the feeling of acceptance I got here. I am not staying on long; the computer is one of my best tools... and biggest enemies. But I did want to take the time to say thank you.
God bless.
Don't Quit!
7:51 PM, Feb. 16, 2006
.. Posted by Susan in Elk Grove CA
Sure, take a break. And for goodness sake, dump the extra-curricular activities. Remember, it's HOMEschooling! :-) I get so annoyed at the peer pressure from fellow homeschoolers to sign our children up for every possible activity under the sun. Stop the madness!!!!
And cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you. God is faithful and true. Satan is evil and a liar. Turn to the One Who can give you hope. And know that I will pray for you.
Give up
1:39 PM, Apr. 24, 2006
.. Posted by Anonymous
I found your site today and your entry about giving up and it sounded like me today.[I homeschool 2 boys (8 & 6) and have a 3 year old daughter.] So, that was February 14.... What happened? Were you able to pick up the mantle again? What helped you out the most? Thanks for letting me peek in.
