Have you ever been completely overwhelmed and utterly frustrated; wanting to give in and give up?  I'm there... I mean, I'm really there...  Life has been taking some unexpected turns, and it seems as if everything is piling up and I feel as though I'm drowning in the middle of a storm at sea.  I just have no idea what I'm supposed to do next...
Come to me my child...
...it's just that overwhelming.  It seems as if I have so much to do... too much to do
I won't give you more than you can handle...
...and even though my husband has been trying to help, I feel as if I'm alone...
I'm here...
...and that no one understands how I feel.
I know you because I fashioned you...

I was looking back on my post from last Independence Day in 2005 (click The Countdown to read).  Funny how life changes... and doesn't... I thought something would be different by now... 
A lot has changed...
I'd hoped something would be different.
YOU are different...

A year ago, I started a "countdown", unsure of what would be happening.  I began to get things ready in my home for something to come.  Since then, nothing has happened as I thought it would.  I got pregnant and was blessed by another boy...
a gift for you...
...we put our home up for sale but have had very little for lookers...
It's not time yet...
We've had some other interesting things develop as well, which have come totally unexpectedly...
Not to me...
... and while we know it's from the Lord, we don't know what will happen next...
I have plans for you to prosper...
It seems I've tried to make plans, but they keep getting changed.
I have plans for you...
It's so hard to be so unsure about the future sometimes.
...plans to give you hope and a future...
I know things will be okay, but how long must we wait?
In my timing, my child...

Sometimes life is just difficult.  I know that it's not supposed to be easy, but sometimes it feels as if it's one thing after another... that you just keep getting shaken until you can't stand...
I want you on your knees...
that there's just no where else to turn...
but ME...
...and the pit is so deep...
I can still reach you...
that you have to look up...
Exactly...

I guess it's time to take a seat in the back, and let the driver do what He does best... drive...

Heavenly Father,
I have no idea what you have in store for us right now... and I'm unsure of what You want from me.  Please guide me and help me.  Lord, I pray that I would consume myself with You and drown in Your love and peace. 
In Jesus' name,
Amen.

When I was still living at home with my parents, my mother always went overboard to make us feel special on our birthdays (I have two younger sisters as well).  We would wake up to streamers in the living room, balloons in the kitchen, and “of course”, special paper plates, cups and napkins to fit the "theme" we'd picked out.  While in elementary school, we got to have parties with several other girls invited, and in high-school we had sleep-overs.  Before leaving for school in the morning, we’d get to open one present that had a new outfit to wear on our special day as well.  She always made a homemade cake (our favorite), making every effort to make us feel extra special that day.

After I left home, I missed all the “who-haw” about my birthday.  She still tries to make it special, however, by calling and greeting me with a “happy birthday” each and every time she calls (and she calls a lot on my birthday).  Her and dad even stopped by this morning with a gift (money to buy some scrap booking supplies… something I’ve been wanting to start) and a cake… with (of course) paper plates, cups and little “happy birthday” candies for the top of the cake.  (She’s relentless.)  I've continued to try and do the same, however, with my children too.  I, too, try to make my children feel extra special on their birthdays.   They wake up to streamers hanging in their bedroom doorway and streamers and balloons in the living room.  We used to have parties with all the relatives as well, but that got to be expensive (we’d have dinner as well), not everyone was always able to travel and make it, and we literally have only few months where we don’t have a birthday in our home (busy, busy, busy)…  I let the birthday child choose what they want me to make for food throughout the day, and what kind of cake they’d like (always with a theme), which has been pretty interesting at times… Larry Boy, Batman, and a beach ball that fell apart… turning it into a sandcastle instead (hey… it was a beach party so it worked).  There was also the twice baked birthday cake (that I’d made, frosted, and put in the cooled oven so as not to get ruined on the counter, and then turned the oven on later to make something, resulting in the frosting “nicely” melting, giving it a glazed look.  That’s all I’ll say about that cuz I don’t want Jen to know the real truth about my cooking or I’d have to stop teasing her.  a;ldskfja;sdlkfjads;fklj)

In my last few years of high-school, I also had a friend in high school (he was three years older than me) who shared the same birth date as me.  After graduating, he would always stop by my house and pick me up to take me out for ice cream for our birthdays.  He made a big deal of it to show me how happy he was I was alive.  I’d taken pills to end my life at one point, and every birthday after that, he was sure to show up on my birthday, celebrating life.  Even after I’d left home and married, he would drop in at my hubby and my house to say “happy birthday”.  It was such a surprise because we never saw each other in-between.  I would wonder each year if he’d come or not (and wouldn’t have been surprised if he hadn’t) but there would always be a knock on the door, and there he’d stand with a huge smile on face… “Happy birthday Ames”.  Ironically (if you’d call it that), he took his own life a few years back.  I sang at his funeral and it was so hard to understand how he could do that after he’d lectured me for being so “dumb” when I’d attempted suicide.  Because we had no communication in-between birthdays, I didn’t have any answers as to why, and my birthdays since have had a little sadness with them when I think of him, along with his mother who must be thinking of him as well.

As I mentioned, I attempted to end my life while in high school.  It was dumb and spontaneous, but it’s a part of my past.  I had been in a horrible relationship (another reason for kids not to date) and had fallen away from God in the process (I hadn’t had a personal relationship with Him, but certainly knew of Him and prayed to Him before the relationship).  After taking a lot of pills one night, however, I did pray... for the first time in a long time.  I said I was sorry that I knew no other way, and if there was, for Him to show me.  I then went to sleep, expecting to never wake up.  I did though… I don't remember what the date was, but it was my second "birth day"… and a second chance at life.  God picked me up off the path I’d chosen and placed me back on the one He wanted.

I’d like to say that after that, everything was great… that I lived a life the Lord was happy with and here I am today...  however, that’s wasn’t the case.  I continued to live my own life, my way, and was a horrible teenager in the process.  In and out of relationships, I eventually graduated and moved in with Michael.  After two years, we got married and began having our own family (he already had a boy from his previous marriage).  After two children, we left the church we’d been attending (yes, we went to the church I grew up in cuz we wanted our children to know about God too) and quit for a long time.  Then we began to search for something more.  We decided to go across the street (yes, there’d been a church across the street from the house we’d been in the entire time and the same house we're still in) and over time, we committed our lives to the Lord.  Again, not knowing the exact date, it was my third "birth day"… and the choice the Lord had patiently been waiting for me to make for so long.

As I sit here, 31 years after my mother brought me into this world, I still am unsure exactly of what the Lord’s plans are for me on any given day, but I can say my life has changed dramatically since I let Him in.  Through good and bad, I’ve truly been blessed more than I ever would’ve dreamed, or will ever deserve.  Looking back, I’ve had a lot of birthdays of different kinds… and no matter how they get celebrated by me or anyone else on this earth… I know that the One who created me celebrates and rejoices for each and every one.

Dear Heavenly Father,
            Thank you for Your grace and love.  Thank You for the life I have, for in spite of its trials, I have been blessed. You have given me so much, and I’m so sorry for the times that I’ve thought only of myself and forgotten every gift You’ve blessed me with.  Please use my life in the way You choose, and may it bring glory to You all my days.
In Jesus’ Name,
Amen.

Wouldn’t it be nice if being a Christian meant, no more struggles?  Seriously… wouldn’t it be great if, upon making the decision to follow Christ, you could rest assured in never having to go through another trial?

We’re not promised that, however, and the reality of being a Christian is some sort of suffering on some level is inevitable.  The difference is, as a Christian we are promised to never go through it alone   …God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.  "So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"   Hebrews 13:5-6 (New International Version).

I’ve had some struggles of my own lately…  They’ve been frustrating, annoying, and hurtful.  I would really have loved to have just “skipped” over them and moved on to “fun” and “joyful”, but that wasn’t in His plan.  So, instead, I learned not only some things about others, but about myself and God as well (could this have been in the plan all along?).

1. I have a deep desire to be understood… ALL the time.  If someone has taken something I’ve said out of context, or mistaken my intentions… I really have a hard time.  It’s not about being “right”, but thinking that someone has misunderstood my heart (therefore thinking badly of me) that makes me feel horrible.  It’s an especially hard “pill” to swallow when someone doesn’t just like me, but when they’ve misunderstood what the Lord’s part through me was.  One example of this is:  there are many topics I write in my blog, lead by God and my heart to serve Him.  In a recent situation, someone felt I was promoting myself instead.  I was devastated and tried to rectify the situation, however, after several “email conversations”, the person broke off contact and I was left “standing” with the horrible feeling of being misunderstood and disliked.  I felt as if I’d let God down, because instead of ministering to this particular person, I had only upset the person and “discredited” myself.  I wasn’t able to “fix” the situation because communication had ceased and I struggled with knowing what it was the Lord wanted me to learn from that.  I searched hard and prayed long about it.  It was then the Lord told me…
2. …I won’t always be understood.  Looks so good in writing… so easy to read… but so hard for me to accept.  It’s simply a part of being a Christian, especially one in the “public eye” (which, whether you “fellow bloggers” realize it or not… blogging is a VERY public thing).  Whether dealing with another Christian or not, I had to accept, I will NOT always be understood…  My heart may not be looked upon as “gold” (gasp!),  and some may question the very thing dearest to me… my love and service to my Lord, my husband, or my children, and how I go about doing that (another recent situation).  Again, I find myself struggling with this.  It just cuts to core of my heart.  I find myself thinking, “But if they only knew my heart… then they’d understand…”  Then the Lord spoke again, telling me… I won't always be liked (He isn't either), and some may slander me (but there are those who take His name in vain).  Who am I to want others to treat me differently than the Creator of the Universe gets treated?
3. Simply stated… there will be those who simply “don’t get it”.  I could try to explain until I’m blue in the face and pour my heart out until I’ve bled to death, but for whatever reason, their hearts are hard and their ears are shut.  To those I cannot change… my “job” is to “plant seeds” and the Lord will take it from there.  It’s been a very hard thing for me to realize (remember that desire to be understood?) but I know now that the Lord’s plan is great and mighty, and certainly more than I’ll ever understand.  I just need to trust Him to tell me what to do, how to do it… and rest assured in Him to take care of the rest, regardless of how I see the circumstance.
4. Praying for those who hurt you is extremely hard to do.  Honestly, I’d rather just forget about them and let someone else take care of them… (God for example!)  But, I’ve learned that even though it may be hard, Jesus died for those who abused and mocked Him.  He didn’t have to, but He did… I can’t imagine being hurt (physically and emotionally) like that.  Who am I to complain or refuse to pray for those who hurt me?!  (“But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…” Matt. 5:44)

In all that I’ve learned over the past few months, it’s really as simple as choosing to follow Him.  In making that choice, really surrendering my life to Him (on a daily basis), I have to allow Him to guide me and do what He wants for me, regardless of the struggle I may face.

Then he told them what they could expect for themselves: "Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat--I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you? Luke 9:23-25 (The Message)

Struggling…

It may not be what I want… but Jesus knew He must die for the sins of the world… and He submitted.

I may be uncomfortable… but nothing like the nails that pierced my Savior’s hands… to fulfill the Lord’s plan.

It may be humiliating… but nothing like the jeers from the crowd who mocked the Lamb of God and watched Him suffer and die on the cross…. for my salvation.

Struggling… don’t run from it, embrace it…

embrace it…

embrace Him…

Dear Heavenly Father,
    Please help me to surrender my life to You.  Regardless of what others say or think of me, please give me the strength to do Your will continually, knowing You know my heart... and that's all that matters.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen.

They say, "admitting it is the first step to recovery, so I guess I should be happy to admit that "I have issues"... Let me explain...

So, I wrote that horrible post yesterday on how the "Lord may reveal character issues in your children that need to be addressed while trying to clean the house"... well, did HE ever have some character issues brought out today... but they weren't in my children... they were in ME!

Yeah, you heard me... the hormones were raging today, and I'm not sure how many times I cried, screamed, cried, and just basically was brought right down to my knees... (hmmmmmmmm, do you think that was His plan?) begging the Lord to help me and giving up and surrendering to Him.

I didn't post a room to do today in our quest to get the house done for the new year, cuz my hubby told me last night before going to bed that the realtor was coming on Thursday to take a look at the house and talk numbers... okay, back up a moment... we've been talking about selling our house for 12 years, so yes, this was a shock!  Now, instead of being the grateful, excellent wife that I should've been, I "wigged" out... thoughts like:  How could he do this to me?  How can the house possibly get ready in that amount of time?  I haven't been able to get the house cleaned all at once for atleast 7 years straight, so what makes him think I can pull it together in ONE DAY??!!!   (He obviously hadn't read my blog or he would've known that I had planned on taking FIVE days!)

So, it didn't end there... I woke up this morning with a case of the "tudes" that blossomed just beautifully into a tantrum that made my three year old proud... (the one who was terrible two, but has gone unchecked long enough to enter into the terrible three's).  Unfortunately, my children were able to witness what it looks like when an adult has reached the end of their rope... and would you believe it was THEM who rose to rose to the "occassion"?  My children cleaned their rears off and told me to go into my room (yes, I think they were actually sending me there), while God "slapped" me with how He reveals character and how I really hated mine...

Conclusion:  I failed miserably today... I really, REALLY did... and honestly, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be learning through everything that our family has been going through lately (not just today), but I do know He has a plan.  "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity.  I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile." Jer. 29:11-13

I know that through all of this, if I seek Him will all of my heart, it will be okay... I cannot let the enemy overtake me by seizing my emotions... I know the Truth, and HE will sustain me... even when my house is a mess, or when I fail as a mother, or lose it as a wife, or even forget to turn to Him... all I need to do is seek Him once more and stay in His presence... then everything will come... it is me He needs first... sometimes I just need to be broken to remember that it's not just my children who need to be taught... I'm a work in progress too.

Dear Heavenly Father,
I pray for forgiveness in all the things I did today... I lost my temper... I hollered... I was anything but a good example for my children.  Please forgive me allowing the enemy a foothold in my heart.  I surrender to You, my God, and pray for strength and courage to go through these tough times right now.  I don't know what You  have in store for us, but I pray Your will... whatever that may be.  Please give me a heart that is accepting of that. 
Please help me tomorrow to rely on You and not the things, emotions or circumstances of the world.  Mold me into what You have planned.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen.

(Spunky had a wonderful post of encouragement to check out if you're having "one of those days" as well.)