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Wow. Life sure can change direction in a hurry. One day you think things are going okay, and the next it seems like your life slips through your fingers like water... Our 2 almost adopted boys left our home this morning. Their 2 great aunties picked them up. 2 weeks ago we took a vacation to a family reunion where I learned a lot about Fetal Alcohol Effect, from other family who have adopted and lived it, and started to wonder if we were actually experiencing some of the symptoms with the boys. On the last leg of our holiday, with children who had the flu, we stopped for a visit with the boys Aunt who was going to adopt them to us. Taytum wasn't taking too well to the changes in routine, and he had the flu, and I expressed some concern with their Aunt about FAE, and everything unravelled from there. She didn't approve of my parenting tactics. She resented that I would label them, and suddenly had concerns about them in our home, even though we have been quite open and honest with our experiences as the months progressed while the boys lived with us. So now they are gone. Our oldest son was quite upset as he understood what was going on. The younger ones didn't really "get" it. The 2 boys were happy, thankfully, when they left as they were looking forward to a "holiday" in their minds. Or perhaps they were relieved to go as they had been expecting it all along. Who knows. The boys grandfather was upset at this turn of events, but he doesn't hold legal sway. So here we are. I would covet your prayers right now, that God would surround our family with his protection from the enemy. We feel threatened right now, and to be honest, I would ask for peace as well. Thank you.. |
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Well, we just celebrated our 10th Anniversary with all our neighbors and friends yesterday. In spite of the rain we cleaned out our garage and had a BBQ in there. Today I am cleaning up the aftermath, but it was all worth it! As much as I enjoy a big get together, I have to say that I much prefer visiting with others on a much smaller scale. It is easier to really talk about life, and get into a deep conversation without as much interruption. A pastor friend of ours from another church came with his wife, and in the short time that we had to talk, we touched on some really big truths. One of them was how hard it is to really talk about growth and faith. He used such a good analogy, that if we are coasting in our faith, then we are only going downhill, as that is the only possible way we can coast. We cannot coast uphill! That takes work and sweat and tears! He also talked about how much pride plays a factor into our frustrations. That is something that God has really been teaching us. "Oh Lord, It's hard to be humble...." I am always trying remind myself how much Jesus humbled himself, so why should I be above my master? The funny thing is, that having struggled with somethings, and I am honest enough with myself to admit it, that I can see those same sins that cause others to stumble, such as pride. I have been there, sinned that, but still can get drawn back into it if I am not careful. I guess it is all part of growing up and maturing in our faith. It's not about our comfort, and yet I sure love my comfort as much as anyone else! I pray that I can at least stay honest with myself, even when I fall. |
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First, that God is so very good to us. As much as it pains me to say this, I have learned again, what repent really means. Turn away from my sin. Hate it. So I have been doing that. With my anger. I can be such an angry, frustrated person sometimes. I have really disiked that about myself, and at the conference a couple weeks ago I have learned that I need to "throw it away" as soon as I feel it. Get rid of it!! "The wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God." ouch..So, I have been doing that and to my amazement, I realize how often I choose that emotion! I am also starting to really get what Paul says about the flesh, that it wars within us, and that he does the opposite of what he wants to do! I also realize that my enemy whispers some really ugly things to me. I caught that the other day, and was stunned just how he works. I must always be on GUARD!!! I also have recognized my own pride. I have allowed myself to be hurt by people who were truly in sin, and with the wrong motives. Partly because they were hurting my pride. My response was angry! I wonder what would have happened if I had just smiled sweetly and said that "Thank you for your concern, but we are managing just fine." Or something like that..and then just let God do the convicting and rebuking. I am really going to make more of an effort in that area as well, rather than demand my pound of flesh, or an apology, or stand up for my rights. Jesus took incredible humiliation, so I am sure that in a circumstance such as this I could let go of my need for vindication. I enjoyed the conference a lot. I bought Managers of Their Homes and Managers of Their Chores and am using both, and my life is more organized - which means I am less stressed out. I am naturally pretty organized, but there is also room for improvement. I also went to the Maxwells workshops about having a vision for our family. What kind of outcomes do we want to acheive and how are we working toward those goals? We can do this for our farm, but it also applies very well to family life too. They also talked about Keeping Our Childrens Hearts. I know from experience that if we don't have our childrens hearts they will rebel. So we also need to work toward building love and trust with all our children, so that we can lead them in love. I heard from a few people that they did not like the Maxwells because they felt they were legalistic. I myself didn't feel that from them. They did have a VERY conservative message, but rather than judge by appearances I listened and took home a lot of good stuff. I am not going to start wearing a dress all the time, quit wearing make-up, sew all my clothes, and stuff like that, but if they do choose to do that, I am not going to judge them as legalistic. Only God knows their hearts. They also didn't comment on dress anyway. Overall, they made a lot of very good points. I have been put on the Education Committee at church. My first meeting is in May. I am actually quite nervous. It may just be my wrong perception of things, but I get the feeling that I may not be a real welcome member. I am the only traditional homeschool mom in our entire church. Other homeschool moms, (from other churches) and God have opened up my eyes to so much deception that we as a society buy into. I am trying to teach my children to be wise as serpents and innocent as doves. That is what I want for our church kids, who, about 95% go to public school, and the parents see nothing wrong with it. I can feel the resistance to me already and I haven't said anything yet. They are looking at revamping the whole curriculum. They found 2 to look over, one which was just like what we are already using, the other I LOVED which really stressed the children to look for Jesus in every OT story, and the Gospel in the new. They really try to get away from "moralizing" everything. Plus there is weekly devotions for the families to follow up with during the week, and it is in chronological order, which really helps (I think) the children to follow Gods Plan of salvation down through history rather than have the lessons all over the map. I guess that I feel a little unwanted as 2 of the 3 ladies already were huffing about changing the meeting time to an evening rather than 10 am, when I am doing school. Theirs are of course in school, but they wouldn't pull them out for a meeting, so why should I? (I didn't say this though!!!) After about a week of belaboring, one lady decided to ask her mother in law who lives 100 feet from her house to babysit, and she said yes. I really hope that I can be gracious and not turn into a cat! I know it is wrong, and I know that I need to work on this area of my life - so wish me "luck"....
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Well, I am finally updating my blog, what has it been, a month? How did time manage to slip by so quickly? We spoke to our Pastor, who was going to have a gentle word with some of the ladies who had been making our lives difficult at church. For now they are controlling themselves. No apologies have been forthcoming, but at least if they aren't outright attacking, I can be satisfied. The boys are up and down. I have said that we are learning to love like Jesus. Sometimes it seems like we give and give, and get nothing in return, which if we don't stay in prayer turns into such nasty anger at them. Taytum has traded one behaviour for another. I don't allow him certain toys that he can "food play" with so now he has started pooping his pants, even though he is fully potty trained. He still acts like ice towards my husband. Skyler lies about pretty much everything. He could be naked and and lie about being dressed. He also is so fake, it is disheartening. When Doug comes in he copies our son Josh and says "daddy, daddy.." but it is so FAKE, and unauthentic. It is like, "oh yes, uh, what's my line...oh, yes...daddy, daddy" I would love something real from him. Even when Doug tickles him it is forced laughing. It is so hard some days. I got a book from a friend called Shepherding A Childs Heart by Ted Tripp. It is the best yet. I am still trying so hard to get my parenting right. I came from an upbringing that I do not want to copy, so I am starting over at square one. I am trying to undo bad behaviour and replace it with good in my whole life. This book has shown me again how little I know. I get to look forward to the homeschool convention in a couple weeks. My husband is going to look after all 8 alone for 2 days and 1 night bless his heart. I have already started praying for him, as I know how much work it is. He is a man who likes to really work, and he gets ancy if he is in the house too much. I hope he doesn't eat them while I am gone. We had a fellow over for dinner yesterday who is a recovering drug addict. He has been coming to our church for a year and a half. His story is so sad, but yet, he knows so much about Jesus on a level few ever want to experience. It was really nice to talk about faith with him, and to be able to pray for him. Perhaps God will reunite his family? How awesome it would be to see that. Thanks for reading and for those who have prayed for us when I hadn't the strength or wisdom to do it for myself. I hope I am not so long until next post, but who knows.... |
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Well, I just got a phone call from our lawyer this morning, and the clerk returned our papers to the lawyers because we were missing signed consent forms from the birth parents. Of course Doug and I are unable to collect those, so the boys Aunty L is going to do an affadavit surrounding the reasons for her being awarded sole custody of the children, such as the birth parents inability to provide the neccesities of life. So we shall see what happens now. We have had no other word from the other side since the last letter to L's lawyer. Things are getting better. Doug is making every effort to take the boys with him on the farm. They do not completely trust him yet, so he is working at that. It is such a process. They bring a natural distrust with them because of all the disruptions they have experienced their first few years. I can see how it is going to take time for them to realize that this is now their home for life, God Willing. They are still overly friendly with stangers, partly I think because they may wonder "Who is next?" I have had to politely ask an older lady from church yesterday not to pick Taytum up and cuddle him and read him a book, because he needs to learn to come to us to have his needs met right now. She was offended, and I honestly tried to explain our situation, and tell her that I was not angry, or "giving her heck" but that they need to connect with our family first right now. She told me that I cannot possibly meet all their needs and that others can also do that. To this I responded that if her own children had a problem, she would want them to come to her first, and so it is the same with us. Especially with people who are strangers to them, because not all people are trustworthy. She responded by telling me how she has heard things about us pushing the grandmother out, so then I had to go into a long explanation to defend ourselves from more gossip. Oh how I love a small town! She also felt that I hold my biological children more after watching us for 10 minutes of the service, and then she left to teach Sunday School, so I again had to explain myself because she was drawing pretty extreme assumptions based on little knowlege. These people don't see me sneak off to his room during our day to cuddle him for a few minutes while 7 others play, and go without those little extras at times. She was upset because she saw me slide Taytum across the bench to sit by his dad before he left to teach Sunday School as well. She saw that as rejection, while I am trying to encorage contact that they need to have with their dad, and they have never had a man in their life, and they aren't always sure how to take him. He is bigger, stronger,physically he's hard, not soft and squishy like me, his hands are rough, his voice is deep and they are wary because it is a new experience for them. I see mixed emotions, because they want to go to him, but when they do, they don't know what to do with him! Poor Doug! My husband is 6'2" and a strong, well built man, confident with very strong character, and yet he looks at me so helpless sometimes, like "What do I do now?" with these boys. It makes me smile inside sometimes...I did say that I was so tired of all the arrogant people who have come forward with all kinds of criticism when they have never done this themselves. She felt I should hear her, which I did, but if I need advice to go to someone with experience, and I have been called to account, and had to repent and try to change because of their input. People don't go to a mechanic for medical reasons, and people don't go to a doctor to get their car fixed, and we don't ask non christians how to walk with God! We talk to others who have experience for a reason. And meanwhile at church, my husband is fending off another old lady who has been recruited by his own grandmother in a campaign to undermine our request not to give the kids candy right now, as the boys also equivilate sugar with love. We are trying to break that connection, while others in church are deliberately trying to re-inforce it! AAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!! I am doing my best, and I fail everyday in one way or another. I know this better than anyone. And I am always asking God to forgive me and help me overcome my weaknesses, and to fill in the gaps that I leave behind. What else can I do? Needless to say these people are making me nuts! Sorry for purging on all of you again, but I do feel better already! I hope that I don't wreak your day...... |
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Well, we haven't heard anything more regarding the boys so we are back to life as "usual". Tuesday Doug and I took the kids to the science center for the day. We saw "Mummies" at the Imax. The kids were awesome in the theatre. I got the feeling that there were a fair number of elderly Christians there. My husband sat by one fellow who wondered if they would use biblical timelines, and I heard a couple of times from different ladies how blessed we were. Around here people don't just talk like that. It was nice, and also a little interesting how we can get a feel for different family memebers in Christ. I don't agree with everything they presented in the movie, but it gave the kids a "feel" for our upcoming unit on Ancient Egypt. My kids are little, but they really eat it up. They love history, like their mom and dad. I get so frustrated with the system up here as in Canada we learn Social Studies, not history. In the public system the children being with "ME". Where do "I" come from, and it spools out from there, and then it randomly jumps to other cultures, and how those cultures relate back to "me". I hate it. It is such a self centered world view. I know they don't teach history as of course - where do you begin in an evolutionary world view. And, I truly feel that the underlying thought is to keep everyone in ignorance. If we understand our history, it can provoke some very serious questions as to why things are the way they are. But, that's just me. Anyway, we lost Joshua 4 times yesterday - briefly - but still scary. He is the most precocious 2 year old alive. I have has muliple heart attacks because of him already! It can be amusing and incredibly frustrating at the same time. It has been really warm this week, +12 C, so the kids have been busy making mud/slush pies outside. Oh, the laundry. Next week things are supposed to be more seasonal. I am sure starting to get spring fever though! Thanks for the encouraging words about the boys. It is nice to be able to express myself and not get a lot of negativity back. It helps my spirit... Have a Blessed day! |