Mar. 13, 2007
Would I even look good in that shade of purple?
Posted in My stuff
So, I write an entry whining about needing new friends for my little blog and then I disappear soon afterwards.  Not just not writing in my blog but not taking the time to visit and respond on my old and new friends' blogs. And one of my new friends, not to name names or anything, gets cranky if she does not get responses. To the point where she will write comments to herself........one of the funniest things I have ever seen.  I have been thinking big thoughts lately....at least for me. Not that they are particularly profound but to show you where I have been. Like most mothers, especially homeschooling mothers, I am constantly trying to find balance. At first that meant between being a homeschooling mother, a mother to all my children and a homemaker. How to spend my time, if something had to give, what would it be? I never did find the best answer to that. Usually the house was the one to give, but all the disarray did and does make everyone grumpy and life more difficult. Lately, more and more it has also been about finding time for myself. Hopefully for my own education and development, but also to unwind and let go of stress. I let my lamp becoming completely bone dry empty before I realized that filling it should be a priority. It has been a struggle every since to put a couple of drops here and a couple of drops there. (To use different symbolism, avoiding burnout while still going through the daily motions of life). No sooner do I find a little reprieve here or there, when something comes along and uses it all up. The stores are not being replenished. So that has become a new priority to balance as well. I will be honest, I have been spending much too much time taking hot baths, being on online discussion boards, talking to friends on the phone, watching home decorating shows. I was managing to get the schooling in, and most of the housework but bare minimums I usually felt so rushed while doing my work, because of the time I was wasting, that I was more stressed than ever. When I become stressed, I usually shut down. So, it has been a vicious cycle. So understanding how my life has been.....this is where my "big thoughts" come in. I started thinking about how people lived anciently. Usually we tend to think of them as being less advanced than we are. Someone famously intelligent, I cannot remember who, said that advancements are made by standing on the shoulders of the people who came before us. I think that is a common perception. Sometimes true. Maybe the idea that we all came from cavemen ,who were lucky to discover fire, as well. I have been reading a commentary on the scriptures written by an extremely intelligent man who made it his life's work to study ancient cultures. In reading his comments on the earlier civilizations and what was going on outside of the stories we have in the scriptures.....in the areas of business, academia, philosphy, government, I am gaining this picture of an intelligent, clever society. They were thoughtful, engaged, industrious and inventive. Think about Greek art, Greek literature, Roman civil engineering, Roman government (which they stood on the shoulders of the Greeks to develop), Chaucer, Alfred the Good and Charlemagne who all lived during the "Dark Ages', the wonderful things that came from the Renaissance....art, poetry, science, the printing press which changed the world. Shakespeare. Hardly imbeciles. I started wondering just what it was that we have, that makes us think we are more advanced than they are. I think it is our machines......cars, planes, computers......and electricity. I have thought many times how thankful I am for dishwashers, washing machines, vaccum cleaners, even bread machines and crockpots. They make my life easier. They give me the gift of time. But........what do I do with that time? Take other modern day advances.......television, computer, telephone.......... and waste that precious gift away. In the ancient world or in colonial times or pioneer days, they were always searching for tricks or tools to ease their work. Their cleverness, their resourcefulness was rewarded. But me..........turning on the dishwasher does not require any intelligence on my part. I do not need to be clever. I could use that gift of time to develop talents, cultivate relationships, read books that will inspire and educate me......but do I? Is the technology in my life helping me to be clever, or is it dumbing me down? I am not thinking of becoming Amish. Though I could write another volume on how much I admire them. No, the technology is in my life to stay. The question remains how will I use it.. So, after thinking all of that, I decided that the computer was not for me. Most definitely not one of my talents. I have children who program and design graphics......it is their talents. I was beginning to wonder if the forums I used truly helped me grow closer to other human beings in any sort of real way. I was part of a large homeschooling discussion group, that was a great community but more and more I felt lost among the numbers. In order to not feel lost, I had to spend more time there. (read my second paragraph). I know as a woman, I need the companionship of other women. That is not readily available for me here, but maybe I was taking the easy way out, rather than digging deep and making my real life surroundings what I needed them to be. And this blog......sometimes frankly it feels like vanity to think any of my ramblings or little doings are worth anyone's time to read. I do not homeschool in this amazing way others can copy. No great lesson plans here, or brilliantly thought out treatises on homeschooling(I love that site by the way). Maybe I was wasting my time and other's time in maintaining this. So.......with all of that jumbling around in my head, I decided to walk away from the computer. just walk away. I prayed to know how to spend my time, to understand what I needed to accomplish. I felt a little sad because I knew it would be a lonelier road, but I also felt good about using my time more productively. I do not think we always need to be busy, busy at work for our time to be productive. Rocking your toddler and cuddling during his favorite cartoon, reading a book that has you thinking big thoughts for a week, blowing bubbles in the front yard with your two little girls, taking a walk to look for signs of spring......all of this contributes to the person God would have me be, and thus is productive, is the life work I was sent here to do. So......guess what happened? Someone sent me an email telling me how much they enjoyed reading my blog, that it had touched their heart. Two new people commented on my blog and one of them added me as a friend. Another person, who I knew from the mega board, told me how much she enjoys my writing. All within a week of that prayer. I once considered a career as a writer. In high school, in college, I had several teachers tell me that I was one of the best writers they had read in their careers as teachers. My favorite college professor told me I simply must pursue a career in writing, no other option. I do not know if it was because I was that good or because I went to a small high school and a technical college with lots of engineers and math people. By the time I graduated college, I had three children. I knew I wanted to be at home with them, and was fairly sure I would be homeschooling them. I tried writing several novels, and I did write three children's books that I thought were good. Then came time to submit them. Fear came over me and I could never find the courage to submit them. Fear of rejection, fear even of them being well-received and needing to come up with more of them. Then my computer crashed and they were lost. (See, I am really, truly not good with computers). I have had writer's block ever since. The parable was telling a truth.....if you do not use your talents, they will become lost to you. I have prayed many times to have this talent given back to me. The only time I feel the words come freely from me is when I write on my blog, or I participated on the message board. Then the emails and comments. I feel vain drawing this conclusion. Because I know I am not that good. But......apparently this is how God wants me to use my talent. On this little blog. So does that make this a clever use of technology? I think so. Of course the way God works it is probably more for my own edification than that of anyone else. No sense getting a big head or anything. So....back to the balancing act. In some ways it was easier to think about walking away than using self-discipline and being moderate in my online-time. I am spending more relaxing with my children, going to the park, talking with my husband. After I finish the entry, I need to once again clean my room so I can set up my sewing table in there. I clean it, then do more laundry and it needs to be cleaned again. There......all my big thoughts depleted. Stephanie |
| • Post A Comment! • Send to a Friend! |
Comments
Mar. 14, 2007 - Untitled Comment
|
|
|
| • Permanent Link |
Posted by Mar. 14, 2007 - Untitled Comment
|
|
|
| • Permanent Link |
Posted by Mar. 31, 2007 - Untitled Comment
|
|
|
| • Permanent Link |
Posted by