May. 22, 2008 - Tragedy and Fear
The tragedy for Steven Curtis Chapman's family has hit me very hard. One of the reasons is because over the years, his music has ministered to me. I can think of many songs that have helped me through difficult times as well as songs that have helped me to rejoice and praise our Lord.
Another reason it hits so hard is that it awakens some huge fears I have been battling over the last couple of years. Every few weeks, corresponding with my cycle, I have a day where I battle thoughts about one of my family members suddenly dying. It's always about either Steve or the girls, and my mind wanders all day long thinking about the details about what that would be like. I have to constantly remind myself of scripture: whatever is true, right, noble, pure, lovely, excellent...think upon THESE things.
I've seen Dr. Phil (yeah, I know...) ask a good question to people who repeat behaviors that they don't want to do: What is the payoff? What are you getting out of this? Because you wouldn't be doing it if you didn't get something out of it.
And so just now, as I was in the basement doing my cardio workout, I realized what my payoff is: Deep down, I believe that if I think through my worst fears ahead of time, maybe that will somehow prepare me in case it actually happens. Maybe it won't be so painful. Maybe I won't be blindsided. Realizing this, I cried through my cardio.
Being blindsided by tragedy is exactly what I fear. I can look back at my life, as I'm sure you can too, and pick out the days when something happened. Where one day I was one person, and the next day I was never the same again. Like when my grandpa died. Or when I had an emergency c-section and believed that my baby and I were both going to die. Or when I found out my brother's marriage had fallen apart.
So, as I cried through my cardio, I confessed this fear to my Heavenly Father. He is never blindsided. He is never surprised. We will be. But God is God and I am not. And my Redeemer is faithful and true.
Comments
May. 22, 2008 - blind-sided
Posted by zcoffeegirl
I have nothing profound to say about being blind sided, other than it really truly sucks. Can I say that word on a homeschooling blog? And in the pit, the darkest one you can imagine, God is there. You may not feel His presence at the time because pain is too great. It will be looking back, after it has subsided, that you'll see His hand. It's at those times, that it's important to hang onto what you KNOW, not what you FEEL. And you are so wise...our redeemer is faithful and true. Praying for them as well. I'm sure the grief is horrific. They will have some very dark days ahead of them. But God is faithful..even in the pit. I try to focus on the truth of scripture...and even when there are moments when I feel like I am barely hanging on..He never lets me go. He always shows up.
May. 22, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Carla
I am thinking of the Chapmans too. Especially their son. My heart aches.
I do the same thing Kris, right down to the music for the services. I read somewhere that it is a way of pre grieving if that makes sense. I KNOW I am not to fear so I will pray for the both of us.
May. 24, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Kara Jo
Thanks, Kris. Can so relate to your thoughts and fears and the way you process through them. My heart aches for the Chapman family as well. (Especially their son, Will, like Carla mentioned.) Thanks for the gentle reminders to trust God as He is never blindsided. Sometimes that's so hard to do. I struggle with the same fears about something happening to my children, or Wade.
