Jan. 9, 2006
Queen Esther, King David and Melancholy Me
One of the reasons I entitled my blog, "Let's Get Real" is because I am
not one of those shining examples of homeschooling at its ultimate
best. I am an insomniac, I struggle with PTSD (Post Traumatic
Stress Disorder) and Chronic Clinical Depression. This makes it
difficult some days to face another morning. I don't "feel" very
well when I'm not in control of events of the day. Hah!
Well, that would cancel out excellence in motherhood, wouldn't it?
Maybe I'll regret writing so honestly here. Maybe I'll take this
entry down tomorrow. But I have to think that I am not the only
homeschool parent struggling with mental health issues.
Now, lest you think my children aren't getting an education -- they
are. In fact, we "cottage school." That is, with the help
of other parents, we teach our own children and 11 others at our church
everyday. It is exhausting, rewarding, exhausting, overwhelming
and exhausting! Our kids ARE getting educated, but every once in
awhile I slide into a blue funk. I have three kids still at home
and all of them have disabilities -- two have autism and the oldest has
bipolar. They are very demanding boys and it's easy for me to
feel completely inadequate.
I've had a blue funk weekend. I could barely put one foot in
front of the other. I am easily overwhelmed, and here I was with
Christmas decorations to put away and suitcases to unpack and mounds
and mounds of laundry to do. When it gets that way I just feel
like giving up. I just feel like becoming a bear and curling up
into a fetal position and hiding under big fluffy blankets.
Funny thing about doing that, though -- all those issues don't go
away. They just stay put until I get up the nerve to tackle
them.
Since I also struggle with the sin of perfectionism (aka pride) I
sometimes don't even know where to start, how to start, or if I even
should start. It's a struggle!
Thank God I am not alone! Thank God He is compassionate and meets
me right where I am. He reminded me of something this weekend
that will strengthen me for the tasks ahead this week.
I was reading a book I had ordered months ago, entitled THE FUTURE WAR
OF THE CHURCH by Chuck D. Pierce. Now, only God would have me
order a book and not allow me to read it until I needed exactly what it
said!
The book talks of Queen Esther, and how she made the most of her situation:
"Even if you feel totally abandoned by earthly friends and family, know
that the Lord can raise you up and prepare you for that special moment
when He is going to use you for the advancement of His kingdom.. . .The
other lesson we can learn is patience in our preparation. . . It is
intriguing that Esther should be anointed with myrrh, a bitter resin,
before she was anointed with perfumes. As we prepare for moving
into what the Lord has for us, we may also find a season where we are
faced with bitter, even painful circumstances. We may find it
very difficult to walk through these times not fully understanding
their purpose, but these very things prepare us for moving into our
destiny." Wow. Talk about an emotional bullseye!
So, I say to myself, this"bitterness" of laundry and
cleaning toilets and doing all the mundane things a Godly wife and
mother does for her family -- this is all just preparation for moving
into what the Lord has for me! I won't be bitter, I'll be
better! And if I don't submit to this preparation, and be where I
am supposed to be -- well, that brings me to King David.
King David never would have seen Bath-sheba bathing on the roof of her
house if he had been doing what he was supposed to do. He should
have been with his army with his men. But instead he was loafing
in his palace.
The point I'm trying to make is that when we have bitter pills to
swallow in terms of what we should be doing, and then we avoid it and
not do it, then that can cause the depression to be even worse and we
manage to not only give the devil a foothold, but to miss out on God's
favor. There is a blessing in doing what we are supposed to
do. There is an anointing that comes on us to get through
it. God won't give us anything we can't handle with His
help. He just won't. So to be in the depths of despair is
like saying He isn't big enough to help.
I'm not denying my biological propensity to struggle with
depression. It means I have to work harder than the average woman
to stay encouraged. It means I have to walk in His Word even more
than others, and keep myself built up more than most. But it's
not impossible because nothing is impossible with God!
If I want to be the queen of my home -- and I am -- then I need to act
like it. And that means enduring even the hard stuff with faith
and hope, and "just doing it" like Queen Esther did!
Comments
Jan. 8, 2006 - Wow!
Posted by Happyhome
I appreciate your candor. No, you are not the only one facing these struggles or feelings. We all do to some degree and at different seasons in our lives. Recognizing the fact that bitter times may be preparation for what God has in store for us is something we need to constantly remember. Otherwise, as you pointed out, we are so tempted to want to crawl back into bed and not face it.
May you face your mountains of laundry this week with the joy and strength of the Lord! Remember the best way to eat an elephant? One bite at a time! Break your mountains down into smaller mole hills and maybe they won't seem so daunting.
Blessings,
Angela
P.S. Thanks for stopping by my blog!
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Jan. 9, 2006 - Standing with my sister
Posted by thenewstead5
I read this post after your beautiful message on my blog. I feel a strong bond with you - I too suffer with depression. According to the "professionals" there is nothing they can do other than provide pills for the rest of my life. I remain determined not to take on the weight of that dictat. Your reading of Esther and the lessons you drew from it resonated with me. May God bless you for the honesty you show in sharing with others, and the strength and encouragement it gives others to know that they are not alone, and that God is the answer.
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Jan. 9, 2006 - Untitled Comment
Posted by hsmom23boyz
Hi there, your post is so honest. While I don't struggle with depression, I have my own issues, but wanted to let you know, as I'm sure you already do, you are NOT alone. I know so many homeschooling mothers who struggle with depression. There are probaly way more than who are willing to admit to it. I don;t know why women, especially homeschooling moms are so afraid to admit we're real.
I can relate to you about having special needs kids. My oldest(19) has very severe bipolar disorder, and although she's moved out now, every day still brings it's own crisises with her that need to be dealt with. We recently found out she has a life threatening disease as well. Talk about feeling bitter and wanting to crawl up in a ball!! My next oldest has learning issues, and of course everyone wants to blame homeschooling(even though I took him out of ps 9 years ago when he was failing there) All of this takes away from my supermom facade and makes me have to admit to being real too!
I didn't mean to talk about "me" so much, just wanted to let you know your not alone, and I appreciated your post, it touched me.
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Jan. 9, 2006 - Real is good
Posted by dearLordifeellikeawhale
Have your kids ever had those plastic sticks at parties that, when you bend them in half and snap the filament inside, then they glow really luminous? I was really touched reading you blog and I was just thinking that when we are real and broken before the Lord, the luminous light of his warmth is free to explode. Real is good.
Intrigued by your cottage school. A friend of mine Deborah - Debismumto4 -and I 'do school' together often
love
Jane
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Jan. 9, 2006 - Untitled Comment
Posted by JenIG
this was a great entry to read. thanks for posting it!
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Jan. 10, 2006 - Untitled Comment
Posted by wardssward
Very well put! When I get to a low point and the devil is trying to take advantage of my weakness, I remind myself that his goal is to destroy me... my family... my marriage. That helps to give me the strength to fight even harder. And you know, with God and Jesus on our side, we are on the winning side! We can win the battle!
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Jan. 26, 2006 - Untitled Comment
Posted by hugs4Him
You're not alone. You voiced so well how I feel so often; almost everyday. I appreciate your honesty & candor. I'm not quite as expressive on my blog, but I have a son with severe autism, 2 others with PDD & a baby (we don't know yet). I struggle daily & certainly don't feel "successful". Anyway, thank you for writing with such honesty & for such a great teaching.
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