Have you ever had one of those ideas that seems good at the time but comes back to bite you in the end?  Well, that perfectly describes today.  One of those days when, if your life were a movie, the dramatic music would be burbling off in the background.  Yep, that was today.  And I didn't hear the music until it was too late (I guess that's why all those people in those movies get axed...they didn't hear the music until it was too late.)

My brilliant idea:  take the children down to the Reds' Opening Day Parade.  Yes, sometimes I am that stupid.

I did prepare ahead of time.  I purchased two harnesses to try to keep the twins from running away.  They did keep them from running away but not from attempting to run amok.  David attempted to dart away through the crowd twice and we parted the seas of humanity with our tethers but he didn't get away.  Hooray for the harnesses!

So we parked across the river at Newport on the Levee for $2.  At the end of the day, I was wishing I'd forked over the $15 to park in Ohio.  But that's another story.  We walked across the Purple People Bridge, which the children thought was totally cool.  I like the idea of being able to walk all around places, which was what Friend Mattie did when she and her family lived in Covington, but after hauling the twins all over creation today, I think I've changed my mind.

Ok, one thing to remember:  know where you're going.  I sort of knew where the parade was going to be, but not exactly.  My plan was to get to downtown Cincinnati and follow the people walking around in red until we got to a lot of people sitting around in red and sit down with them.  This plan did not inspire the girls much.  We did make it without incident but I think they thought I'd pretty much lost my mind.

Another thing to remember:  the harnesses will keep the twins from running away but they will not carry them when they are tired.  Just for the record, I thought about taking the stroller but I wasn't entirely sure that the whole route would be accessible.  And how much room would be available for strollers once we got there.  And how far could it be, really?  Those words would come back to haunt me, but big.

Yet another thing to remember:  bring plenty of diapers.  Yes, there's a story there too.

And finally:  the thing will take longer than you think.  Be prepared.

Ok...so we walked across the PPB, found the parade site and settled in quite comfortably in the shade of the Chiquita Center building.  I was comfy but I have my own subcutaneous fat layer to keep me warm.  Sarah and Abby, on the other hand, got cold quickly.  We were all huddled in a mass of Us until the parade started.  Once the parade started, we were on our feet and somewhat warmer.

The parade was very cool.  Parades generally are.  We liked the motorcycle precision team pretty well, although the sirens terrorized Keziah no end.  And so did the walking mascots.  Any time one of those came near, I had 3 bodies (the twins and Abby) attempting to burrow into my backbone.  They didn't like those things at all.  One guy who was walking alongside one of them offered to take a picture of the children with his mascot figure (forgot which one it was) and Sarah said, "No offense, but I think she'd rather not."  There were many marching bands (we read that 18 were coming), many horse-drawn carriages, many many more politicians than I wanted to ever see in one place...lots of marching humanity.  In fact, the early lament of "Are they starting yet?" was replaced by, "Oh.  Another marching band.  Look.  More horses."  The girls wanted to go at one point and I told them that I wanted to see the guys that I listen to in the morning on the radio so they good-naturedly decided to stick around. I also thought it was kind of a chicken move to leave a parade while it was still ongoing.  Shows ya what a provincial hick I am.  People drifted away and drifted away until there were precious few left.  Including us.

Oh yes, the cautionary tale about diapers.  Or maybe it's a self-congratulatory tale about how very inventive I can be when really put to the test.  At one point during the parade, I noticed that Keziah's diaper was beyond-the-pale drippy.  Yuck.  Naturally, we're in the middle of downtown Cincinnati with numerous signs on all the buildings making note of the fact that there are no public restrooms within.  Not to mention that I don't really relish the idea of abandoning the rest of the children to change K.'s diaper nor do I want to drag everybody away at the beginning of the parade (this would have been much different had it been at the end).  So I thought about it and realized that Keziah's voluminous dress would hide my diaper change activities.  I arranged the rest of the children in a semi-circle around us (skirts make good screens to hide all sorts of activities) and changed her diaper.  I congratulated myself on my ingenuity.  Not too long afterward, I realized that David was also soaked.  Obviously, David was not wearing a voluminous dress (although I now understand why mothers of yore kept their sons in dresses until they were toilet trained).  I arranged the girls in a semicircle around us and proceeded to change David's diaper in a semi-modest way involving strategic placement of clean versus wet diapers.  Yay me.  I've finally turned into...what would that make me?  White trash?  I don't know.  I didn't feel as happy about my ingenuity the second time.  I decided that the best thing to do (after copious use of wet wipes on my hands) was to not make eye contact with those around me.  Yeah, that works for me.

I kept asking the girls if they wanted to leave, figuring that I'd missed my morning radio guys anyway and we may as well leave but they wanted to stay to see if they were further on in the parade.  They were!  I bellowed at them, waved hello, and received a stare that said to me, "Do I know you IRL?  No, you must be one of those weird suburban housewife groupies we get."  Yep, that's me...weird suburban housewife white trash groupie.  I know my mama's proud.

When we finally decided to go (at the end of the parade; we marched alongside the final high school marching band), I didn't remember which street we'd walked up and we had to backtrack a bit.  It became very evident to me that David was about to crash.  I'd put him up on my shoulders and he'd lay his head down atop mine and become very still.  I asked the girls if he was asleep and they'd say, "No, but he's very zoned."  As we were drawing nigh to the Reds' new stadium, Zi suffered a wardrobe malfunction.  That is to say that her diaper tab came off.  I just hate it when that happens.  Of course, we had no other diapers to put on her and we had no pins, tape or anything else to attach her diaper.  I was stumped.  I kneeled there on the cement, thinking for a while, then decided that I could remove the tether from her harness, wrap it around her middle like a belt, and tuck the diaper up under there.  It worked for a while, but the girls steadfastly refused to carry her as they were afraid of further malfunctions and further damage to their own wardrobes.  I carried both twins for awhile:  David on my shoulders and Keziah on my hip.  By the time I was ready to put Keziah down, Sarah and Rachel were ready to take turns carrying her (since the tether was now missing, I didn't want to take the chance that she'd run into traffic, as she was in an ornery state at that point). 

We continued to make progress back to the van but it sure seemed to take a long time.  One of the reasons why was that David was now sound asleep and dead weight in my arms.  Keziah decided she had to walk, so she held Sarah's hand and proceeded down the sidewalk.  We wove our ways (in all our hick white trash splendor) through crowds of yuppies waiting to get into some bar/restaurant down there that was apparently the hot place for the young undressed to go.  Sarah kept saying something to me but it was drowned out by my mind's saying, "Ten hup!  Right, left, right, left."  It finally filtered to my brain that she said, "Mom!  Keziah's diaper fell off!" 

"What?"

"Where?"

"Back there."  And she pointed back through the crowd of young beautiful undressed people of which I guess my little girl was now a member.  I will confess that I toyed with the idea of just leaving it there but I haven't reached that level of white-trashedness (can you be white trash if you're a transracially adopting parent?) so I sent Sarah back for it.  Instead of picking it up, rolling it up into a discreet little ball and walking non-chalantly through the crowd (no eye contact, please) which would have been my plan, she picked it up as it lay, attached on one side and one side unattached, slightly urinated in.  She carried it in front of her pinched between the tips of her index finger and thumb with a look of mild irriation on her face.  Come to think of it now, the crowds parted well for her then. 

I looked at Keziah and told her, "Kuh, you're going to walk to the car with no diaper on.  Do. Not. Pee.  Ok?"

"Ok, Mommy!"

Ah the many lovely memories my children will have of our trip to the 2007 Reds Opening Day Parade.  That's what the whole thing was about, right?  Making memories.  One day, I'm sure we will laugh about this.  I was actually laughing so hard I was crying when I was telling Friend Husband about it but the tears might not have been entirely because of the humor of the situation, if you know what I mean...

FAQ's:

Yes, David did sleep all the way to the car.  David weighed close to 35 pounds this morning.  How many calories do you think I burned carrying him from downtown to Newport?

Yes, David did wake up in the van, but only after ice cream for lunch was mentioned as a definite need.

No, Keziah did not get ice cream as she proceeded to fall asleep once we were underway.  And she did not befoul anyone's wardrobe in her diaper-free hours.

Yes, we finally did find the van but only after searching 3 floors of the Newport Aquarium Parking Garage. 

Yes, I was stupid enough not to remember which level we came in. 

No, I was not the only mother who did that.

Yes, we finally got home but it was 4:30 and we'd missed a meal.  We made up for it by using Friend Husband's gift cards to Graeter's.  Oh.  Yeah.

And the Reds won their opener for the first time in a while...go Reds!

Pictures to come...I'm going to bed.

Posted by sherrydhoneycutt

Wow! That was quite a trip! I can picture it all now! LOL One you can look back on many years from now and smile about!


Sherry

Posted by Anonymous

Years from now you will definitely look back on this day and wish you could live it all over again. Maybe not today, but years from now you will. Thanks for the laugh. Leigh

Posted by Katie in NE Ohio

What a HOOT! I woke up this morning to a 35 pound 1 year old in my bed... drooling; a 35 pound 3 year old with a soaked TOP bunk bed; and an 18 pound 5 month old with a stinky diaper and an empty belly! THEN, I read this post and I laughed and laughed! Not **AT** your adventure... but **WITH** you all the way!

Raising these babies is never easy but it's always funny. Praise the Lord for TETHERS! (Oh yeah, I'm soooooooooooooo past worrying about people saying "look, that lady's got her black young'uns on leashes..."

For the record, carrying a 35 pound toddler ANY distance is the rough caloric equivilant to an extra large hot fudge sundae with nuts and whipped cream! Go for it :-=)

Posted by CarpeBanana

again, let me say, your name is all wrong. Nothing slacker about you.

I am pretty sure I've done that exact day... different kids... different city... same stuff. Congratulations on surviving to blog about it.

Posted by AcceptanceWithJoy

What a perfect day for making the kind of memories that will become the kind of stories that bind families together...

You are a great mom... I would have pondered in the parade, thought about all the what ifs... and we would have stayed home and done school.