It was while we were watching our umpteenth hour of Olympics coverage on NBC that I came up with an explanation on why guys generally have a hard time articulating their feelings about matters of the heart. I tried explaining this to my wife in the middle of her work and didn't quite make it through, so I'm going to try it here and see if I get better in explaining it.
Guys don't like to show their emotions or reveal their feelings about something dear to them because it leaves them vulnerable. This is not just "Me Tarzan not like feeling vulnerable. Rather hunt bear with pointy stick!" It's something I think we've forgotten in our relative prosperity and "lack of vital needs," like when there was only so much medicine available or there was only so much food to go around. In competition, weaknesses are exploited and it's imbued on men that weaknesses can cause you to fail and lose. To allow others to know what is in his heart is to invite disaster. So men have instinctively clammed up and only allowed their feelings out when they knew it was safe, confidential and controlled. To protect himself and the ones he loves, a man will not betray the contents of his heart for the instinctual fear that the sentiments of his heart could be used to hamstring him and expose his beloved to possible harm.
It's not an apologetic that I'm making for men, saying this is the way we are and so don't go asking us how we feel. Instead, understand that men need to know that when the environment and time is right, it is okay to actually open up a little. They won't do it if they feel threatened. Using his feelings in a later argument to hurt or hamper him is an immediate and profound reinforcement of the instinct to clam up and protect his heart. Good luck getting him to open up after that.
On that note, I'm glad that we are homeschooling my son. Keeping him out of the dog-eat-dog competition and ruthlessness of the schools, public and private, is probably going to spare his heart and protect him from the pathological side of this instinct.
No, my wife and I aren't fighting. It's just that seeing the competitive nature of the events and it's impact on so many of the olympians and their families. It really has helped me understand the human heart to watch the games. I just better come up with some more observations that are a little more profound in order to keep this from being a total loss.
Oh, and NBC, ease up on the ads for sex-and-violence shows. My kids are watching, and it's only reinforcing our desire to turn off the TV after the closing ceremonies. Maybe that wouldn't be a such a bad thing for us.
I've had a long-standing rule on my blog. I will not post poetry. In a world with so much bad poetry and an abuser-friendly forum such as the blogosphere, there's no reason for me to subject myself to criticism (or praise) because there is certainly more than enough verse out there already to hurt your eyes with.
On the other hand, there's an exception to this rule, and good poetry shines so much more because of it. Kristina Campbell, who blogs under the name of Onfire, posted one such beauty recently. Now, beauty is somewhat subjective and depending on the reader, this poem either grabs you or it leaves you wondering. To me, there is nothing more beautiful than two old lovebirds sharing the flame of love they have kept alight since their youth together. That's what I want to be when I grow old.
When I was a youth leader, one of the girls in our group was in puppy love with a boy she had met. She invited him to our group one night and for most of the evening, she was mostly involved with him. We ended up actually separating the two of them; they were getting so familiar with each other. She later commented to a friend in the group, “We’re already so close it’s like we’re practically married. We don’t need a church ceremony”
Those naïve words came back to haunt me when I read the following quote of Cameron Diaz.
I think that people find people and need people, but I just don't think it's absolutely necessary to walk down an aisle in a white dress and sign a piece of paper. For me, it's spiritual. It's about whether two people have that commitment to one another.
That kind of stuff makes my skin crawl. According to Culture Clips, she was “offering her explanation for why she and her boyfriend of four-plus years, Justin Timberlake, have no intention of marrying in the near future.”
I will agree that within the boundaries of Hollywood, marriage is a nearly-meaningless institution. No longer “till death do us part,” Hollywood’s version could be amended to “till possible languishing of career do us part.” Sure, there are some long-term Hollywood marriages, but few of these are the first go around for both members of the couple. Still, I will take these long-lasting marriages instead of the two-year flings that seem all too common. Movie shoots have lasted longer.
On the other hand, I have to wonder if this actress is in touch with anyone normal. What did she mean, “it’s spiritual”? For most people outside the Hollywood elite, that phrase holds little meaning. Does she mean it’s like two ghosts? Is she drawing comparisons with early Negro spirituals? What does she mean? I don’t know. I would posit that Cameron Diaz doesn’t know either.
A wedding may be an abstraction to Cameron Diaz, but to a father like me, having your daughter walk down the aisle in a white dress is an honor. My parents tell me that there was a time when a bride wearing a white dress meant something. And the piece of paper that I signed thirteen years ago is the most important piece of paper I ever put my name to. I would imagine that the most important piece of paper for Cameron Diaz is a contract, or some other piece of paper that’s esteemed much more highly than marriage in Hollywood.
When a man and his beloved take the vows, it’s in a church or other setting with at least two witnesses. The idea behind a wedding is to gather together every one you know not just to celebrate your commitment to your spouse, but to hold you accountable to the vows you took. I think I understand why marriage isn’t so popular in Hollywood. Nothing could be more un-cool in Hollywood than accountability. What the girl from my youth group those years ago was missing, and what Ms. Diaz apparently fails to understand, is that a public commitment in the sight of God and man is a meaningful oath. Only a snake and a cad would try to convince a lady otherwise, and only a naïve little girl would believe him.
It goes deep, but it's worth the read, especially if you've ever wondered about the reasons behind Ephesians 5:21-33. I'm going to have to study this closer, but it's at least thought-provoking.
When I was first engaged to my wife, I asked her grandfather, who by then was 90 years old and hard of hearing, "What is your secret to staying married for more than 70 years?" He told me simply, "Honesty. Don't hide things from each other." Now, long years after he is gone, his advice still rings true for me and my relationship with his granddaughter.
There is sometimes the temptation to hide things from our spouse. This is especially true of infidelity and cheating on your spouse. The "seven year itch" has felled better men than I. Thankfully, I have not succumbed to being unfaithful to my wife. Yet it's not as if our marriage has not been without its struggles and challenges. We have survived, in part, because we understand some things about ourselves and, as a result, have made some specific promises.
First, we understand that attactions to other people will come. Whether it's me as the husband feeling an attraction to a co-worker, or my wife feeling an attraction to someone from church, the feelings of attraction will come, because at our core, we are human and succeptible to temptation. We naturally seek to meet our own needs. The question confronting us when we feel the pressure of infidelity is "What need am I feeling that is pushing me to look outside my relationship with my spouse?" Sometimes these needs are natural, God-given ones that should be met in the context of a marriage but for some reason are not. Others are unnatural behaviors learned in the context of previous relationships.
Let me go into some detail on this. I believe that the more one dates around before marriage, the more likely it is that the person will pick up behaviors and relationship patterns that are mostly unhealthy. At best, dating is a pattern of attempting to lure someone to commit to you while you consider, like a consumer, what this person can give you. It's never an objective evaluation, either. The patterns formed in dating are especially harmful to a future marriage relationship. In marriage, the goal is to serve your spouse and meet their needs, no matter the return on your investment. Dating, by its nature, requires a much more self-centered approach. Additionally, rationalizations and compromises are almost guaranteed. "If I give this, then maybe he/she will give me this and this in return." The Christian concept of freedom through serving each other is lost to the worldly concept of bartering and trading. Some Christians never break that habit, and so, as a couple progresses, memories surface of the old relationships where partners Z, Y, and T met this need, which may or may not have been God-given.
What happens from there is usually what determines whether infidelity will happen. Either the person suffering the need will work with it in an honest way or they will suppress the need. The former has a chance of preventing infidelity, the latter has none. Suppression will cause the need to either surface in an affair or sublimate (change without intention) to something more dangerous.
My wife and I have promised each other that if we have a need that is serious enough to provoke an attraction, we will tell the other before anything comes of it. We've also promised that if the other comes to us with such an issue, that we will listen and not allow anger or jealousy to take over. We have further promised that if the other's need is found in God's design for our lives, we will work to meet that need. If it's not, we can work with each other to find a solution to resolve the need before it becomes a disruption in our relationship.
Finally, we make a conscious effort to avoid situations where we spend time with a person of the opposite sex. It reduces not only the chance of infidelity, but also the chance for those needs to surface and tempt us. We are to be wise as serpents, and as harmless as doves. To assume we're okay with these encounters, especially making a habit of them, is to invite disaster.
I took down my post from Wednesday blasting divorce. While I realize there's plenty that I said that may have been right, it wasn't done with the right spirit and it was speaking from ignorance. For those that read it, and especially for those that have been through a divorce, please accept my apologies.
While it's true that divorce causes many things to go wrong, including the spiritual, mental, and physical health of those involved, I did not mean to imply that divorce is wrong in all situations. I was railing against -- and that was something that should have tipped me off that I wasn't in the right frame of mind -- the situation described in the story: our society's callous and indifferent attitude toward divorce. There is a real and foundational difference between someone who is seeking their own happiness and those who have reason to fear for their safety and well-being. I have, in fact, advised for a divorce in some cases, specifically in the case of repeated infidelity and inability to receive biblical counseling. Unique and others were right to confront me, however, because I implied that divorce was never worth it. In some limited and specific cases, it definitely is. I don't mean to write a treatise on divorce, because others do that well enough.
The day after I wrote the post in question, God directed me to read James 3, which starts, very plainly,
Don't be in any rush to become a teacher, my friends. Teaching is
highly responsible work. Teachers are held to the strictest standards.
And none of us is perfectly qualified. We get it wrong nearly every
time we open our mouths.
Guilty! *waving hand* Right here. Having a blog is a serious thing for a Christian, because "teachers are held to the highest standards." I let myself get off track. For those that have read my blog for a while, please keep me in your prayers. God is doing some work on me and He's clearly not finished. Thanks!
Is marriage just an expression of love and committment? Or, does it involve much more than that? Our culture is at a point of radically defining marriage to where it is meaningless or quaint. We need to think about why marriage has been the same for thousands of years and what the implications are for any new "ideas" we might have for it. Roberto Rivera y Carlo has more...
One reader from yesterday's post said they were really struggling with implementing the concept of leaving and cleaving. They commented, "[The parents] just don't know when to quit!!! We live 2 hours away from them but its just not far enough...I am really wishing we would have moved. They do not take confrontation
well, and I have the hardest time trying to deal with it!" While I can't give specific advice because I don't--and couldn't--know all the details, I can give some general help based out of what I've learned from others and my experience.
When dealing with people, one thing is absolutely certain: conflict will be inevitable. It's amazing how many people haven't figured this out. Whether it's between a man and wife, their children or other family members, it is just something you have to work with. There are at least two things a person needs when dealing with conflict.
The first is discovering the source of the conflict. Is it an issue of power or control, insecurity, an unmet need, or is it something else? There are books with a lot of good advice for discovering these sources of conflict. Ask a pastor or church leader know of a book on the subject. Figuring out what lies at the heart of the conflict will help you understand the motives of that person and give you a chance to understand their point of view. Finding that understanding will help you find the solution.
The second is studying and understanding the methods of handling conflict. Understanding your family's patterns of dealing with conflict will give you some ideas of how to better address the conflict. Marriage and family resources like Family.org can help you find these methods.
Regardless, the last thing you want to do is sit on the problem. Relationships are like nets. If you don't go through often and pick out the debris that they accumulate, soon the nets will be stretched to the breaking point because of all the "little things" that have built up. A piece of debris isn't a big deal, but a net full of debris will rip apart under the stress of further use. Additionally, the habit of retreating into your own world or capitulation to all demands will also make the problem bigger. You can't live life like that.
Above all, when resolving a conflict with another person, it's crucial to speak the truth with love. If they sense that you are out to win the conflict, injure them, or otherwise settle a score, their internal defenses will block everything you have to say, even if you're completely right. Make sure they understand that you value them and your relationship with them, and that it's because you value them that you're taking the time to try to work out the conflict. The opposite of love isn't anger; it's apathy.
Just as another idea, pick a place and time where stress is naturally low, people are in a good mood and you can deal with one thing without the complications of the current environment. Easter, for example, is stressful enough without dealing with conflict. A morning coffee or a Saturday afternoon with the kids at a park or some other non-stressful time is best for keeping things on an even keel. If you are concerned about things getting out of hand, the park, a coffeeshop, or the mall is a good place to meet. People are less likely to go ballistic if they're in a public setting.
I know this all seems sort of basic, but taking a step back and evaluating what is really at the root will help resolve the issue or at least give you an edge in dealing with the situations as they come up.
Finally, unity between you and your spouse is paramount. It's the way you were designed to work...together. Let the conflicts with in-laws drive you closer together, not further apart.
Ohhhh-kay...It's not that cleavage...I'm talking about "Leave and cleave," here, something required for any marriage.
In Genesis, when God is laying out the plan for mankind to Adam and Eve, He said, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." In the King James Version, it says "a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife." Leaving and cleaving is not just good advice, it's God's design for a family.
Leaving In the traditional American wedding, a bride is escorted down the aisle by her father. When they arrive at the front, the minister asks, "Who gives this woman to be married?" Her father responds, "Her mother and I." It is a symbolic releasing of their daughter to the care and love of her husband.
It would be awkward, but sometimes I wonder if a similar releasing ceremony wouldn't be all that appropriate for the groom. The assumption, of course, is that the man has already been standing on his own, which isn't always the case. Parents must realize that at the wedding, they release their children to their future with their spouse. The breaking of ties is necessary for their children to have a life of their own. This means that the parent moves into a role of a friend and peer, one with more experience that can offer their advice, but just advice. According to the design, they can no longer correct their child, discipline them, or guide them. Advice that's taken is usually solicited by the person in need. Parents need to be sensitive to where they intrude in their child's life with unsolicited advice, which always comes at the risk of hurting their new relationship after the wedding.
Cleaving Cleaving is the second part of the two-step process. To cleave in this case means to cling to, resisting any separation. The husband and wife must become inseperable. The Bible goes so far as to call it becoming "one flesh." The husband is loyal to his wife and her needs, and the wife is loyal to her husband and his needs. Any other considerations, including the "needs" of the parents of either, must come second. No relationship with anyone else, including that with a parent, should rival that of the husband and wife. The intimate details of their lives should be known only to each other, with no "insiders" having access. The primacy of this relationship is toyed with only at the risk of weakening or destroying it.
Becoming One Flesh By leaving and cleaving, a man and wife become one flesh. They love and respect each other before all others. The unity found in this principle gives them a solid foundation that they can depend on. It relieves the pressure on the relationship that in-laws can sometimes put on the relationship, intentionally or not.
Perhaps the strongest test of how successfully a marriage has stuck to the design of leaving and cleaving is when the in-laws of either spouse have a disagreement with their child or their child's spouse. Leigh reports some trouble from this Easter weekend. Because she wants her children participate in Easter as a sacred event rather than a secular "eggstravanza," her in-laws think of her as "that evil woman that is trying to keep Bobby and the children away from them and spoil all of their fun." What a problem! While "leaving and cleaving" alone will not solve the issue, it will simplify it considerably. Imagine the trouble if her husband remained silent in his defense of his wife or worse, sided with his parents! By sticking to the plan, Leigh and her husband will preserve the unity of their marriage and make any criticism by his parents much easier to bear. Eventually, the in-laws may come around, but until then, Leigh and her husband must agree to leave his parents and cleave to each other. Please pray for wisdom and strength for this couple, as well as a change of heart for the in-laws.
God has a plan for each couple that joins together in His name. Some of this plan is already spelled out in His word, the Bible. Respect for the design he has put in every human heart is a critical element for living the "good life."
I am getting tired of winter these days. The furnace uses forced air, or as a friend called it, "scorched air," to heat the house. The dry air makes the fibers in the carpet generate static electricity. This is a problem if I stroll across the room and plant one on my wife. All the electrons I pick up in my trip are transferred in one awful jolt between my lips and hers. It's been so bad, we've actually had numbness and tingling afterwards.
So, if someone asks me if the spark is gone from our romance...
