Jul. 28, 2008
Bargainhunters' Base Behaviors
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Being a student of human behavior, I love people watching. And I knew I'd be in for an eye-full at a second hand store clearance sale. Everything was .99 cents. (The store lost their lease.) By the time Daniel and I got there, the store was a abuzz with bargain shoppers. Old and young, fat, skinny, well-dressed and the slovenly. And all were hell-bent on their mission: Get more stuff! It's only ninety-nine cents for crying out loud! I sucked in a deep breath and jumped in. Daniel headed back for the vintage 8mm films he had been watching. (And previously marked at $24.99) After I cruised through the store perusing the dregs, I decided to queue up since the line was rather long. So I settled in for human behavior observation. Class was in session. I was in line but a minute when marital disharmony broke out behind me. A couple had lined up, their cart spilling over with tired bedspreads, dusty lampshapes and the like. The wife fingered a large, gaudy mirror for a dresser off to the side of the aisle. "Let's get this!" she said as her bejeweled fingers stroked the top edge. "What do you need that for?" the husband asked, rolling his eyes. "And besides, it's sold already." He pointed to the "sold" sign. "Yes, because I'm buying it, " she said. Nature documentaries flashed through my mind as I pictured territorial grizzlies challenging each other for the carrion. "You can't just do that!" he hissed. Miss Diamonds responded by ripping off the sold sign. "It's only ninety nine cents!" she retorted. "But what are we going to do with it?" the voice of reason spoke. Silence ensued as she wandered off to look at some dented percolators. In the meanwhile, in front of me, a woman was fingering a hose carrier, attempting to angle her cart into the line with a very innocent look on her face. A few people down, a hefty fellow wearing bib-overalls, the sides unbuttoned, with an arm full of Hank Williams Albums with looking at the long line with despair. He too attempted to nudge in. It was hard keeping them at bay with my mental forcefield. Finally, both relented and moved to their rightful place at the back of the queue which by this time, was stretching into another time zone. Daniel made a few brief appearances showing me little doo-dads. I silently shook my head no. The fellow in front of me finally got up to the till. He pointed to the computer monitor he had hauled through the store. It was the size of a VW Bug. "What if this doesn't work?" he asked with a hopeful look on his face. I wanted to slap him. I wanted to slap everybody. But I especially wanted to take him and slap him. Really hard. Maybe grab him by the back of his receeding hairline and bodyslam him into the monitor. More nature documentaries flashed through my mind. IT'S A NON-PROFIT LOSING ITS LEASE AND YOU WANT TO DICKER OVER A NINETY-NINE CENT MONITOR?!?!?!?!?! The clerk was more civil than I. He simply shrugged and said, "Look, it's ninety nine cents." So the fellow took a crowbar to his wallet and paid. Daniel paid for his three items and we fled before I became an interesting subject for human behavior observation. Not that anyone would have noticed. They were too busy filling their carts. |
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