Aug. 17, 2008
Is Friendship Always Hard?

I found the following quote on the Sonlight Message Boards and I found it very interesting, and thought would start a good discussion on an important topic:

Does anyone else ever feel awful after going to church? It's not the church's fault and it's not the people's fault, it's just how I feel anytime I'm around social stuff. I see so many people that I don't have time for, or they don't have time for me, or I'm just stupid and terrible with making conversation. The whole social thing wears me out, makes me feel like a loser, but I still long for it, I still try friendship and I'm not without friendship, but there's always such a longing in me. I was just reading LJ's thread on when friends dump us, and that need for and loss in friendship sounds common to all of us. In any relationship it always feel like it's a risk to either look needy and pathetic, or get stuck with someone needy and pathetic . In fact I'm beginning to hope that in addition to spending eternity with God, maybe in heaven there will finally be time to really know all the great people of the world that are too busy for me, or that I'm too busy for, or whatever else it is that gets in the way of relationships. I'm not sure what my subject really is, I guess it's just Sunday again and I'm feeling lonely again, (in spite of all the great people out there and even the great friendships I have) and I'm wondering if there's anyone else out there too.

I've given up a long time ago on meaningful church relationships. I've been going to the same church for almost 3 years and still don't have any female friendships there. I've never been good at small talk, and I've got four children to keep rounded up all the time.  We live an hour from town and so we can't get very involved in outside activities.  My dh makes friends easily, but I think he would also admit that they are superficial...How much deep relating can you do going in and out of a building, even if you do stop and drink a cup of coffee together.  While he is relating to the men, I usually stand back and wait.  I don't see many women around chatting anyway.

I am one of those people who find relating on a superficial level exhausting.  I don't see a lot of point in it.  I like to talk on the phone when I have time, but if we don't have anything to talk about, I'm ready to move on.  I have a couple of blog friends I've made that we love to talk to each other on the phone.  Every few months one of them will call me and we talk for an hour or two, and it goes so fast.  I find them real blessings.  Both are willing to call me too, although I can rarely call them for financial reasons. 

In the past I felt like I was the one initiating all my relationships and if I wasn't doing the calling, it wasn't happening.  That gets empty to me after a while.  I am learning that having friends from any source is valuable, whether they are local or far away.  I live in a community of lots of like-minded people, but I often get overlooked when it comes to social outings of the women.  I'm the only one with young children.  I've often been hurt by that, but it isn't new to me, and I've learned to live with it.  Often my dh and I will invite anyone who wants to come over for a meal at our house.  Usually only the singles come.  I don't know what to do with that.  I find that our best friends after living here almost 3 years are singles.  I'm okay with that though.

I've often thought that a church like Antoinette's home church would be nice.  They do a lot of eating together, worshipping together, sitting around and chatting after church, going out to coffee after church.  It makes me wish we could live in Indiana near them!

• Post a Comment

Aug. 17, 2008 - Untitled Comment

Posted by kaysmarmey

Carol,
I just popped over this afternoon because I finally feel up to visiting my blog friends. Yahoo!
This post makes me thankful for my church. Maybe it's because we are in Alaska and a little more seperated from family but I am thankful for the genuine people in our church who love the Lord and others.
Have a great week.
Melissa

• Permanent Link

Aug. 18, 2008 - Untitled Comment

Posted by socalval

Ah, I totally understand. I have lots of close friends through the internet. It seems that's where homeschool mom's connect. Sorry I've been away and not visiting much these past few weeks. I'm still on a little blog vacation, but am posting periodically. School starts up in two weeks... so, I'll be back on a better schedule soon.

Have a great week.

Valerie

• Permanent Link

Aug. 19, 2008 - Untitled Comment

Posted by BChsMamaof3

Hi Carol :) I'm glad you got a chance to stop by today :) I was just reading the response you had above and it is interesting because I'm completely awful at small talk to and can relate to always having my children with me no matter what (which I don't mind at all, but others don't understand), living an hour away from most people that we interact with for HS groups or sports etc., and the one friend that I thought was a good friend of mine seems to pick up and drop her friends quite frequently sort of round robin style :( That hurt me for a quite a while but I've come to terms that I don't really need a friendship like that and don't actively seek it from her anymore. If she wants to visit she calls and that's it now. I'm grateful for the close blog friends that I have made though online :) There are so many wonderful ladies online and so willing to share and I love being able to connect with other HS moms even if it is through my keyboard *grin*. How wonderful that you have 2 special friends that regularly keep contact with you!! That is such a blessing :)
Wishing you and your family a blessed week,
Rosina

• Permanent Link

Aug. 22, 2008 - I can understand that

Posted by newfrontiersacademy

I've always thought has been because we move so much. I guess that is one reason I'm really looking forward to get settled. It seems I've heard that a lot from women in our age group and has made me wonder how much of it is a stage of life thing especially for introverts. I mean, homeschooling three kids keeps me busy.

• Permanent Link

Aug. 28, 2008 - Untitled Comment

Posted by SandBetweenMyToes

I have a lot of those same experiences. I used to feel horrible after church, but I finally learned to put my focus on worshiping the Lord and being content instead of whether people talked to me. That's not to say that it doesn't bother me sometimes, and is not lonely sometimes. But, at least I can still enjoy the worship and study.
James and I have never felt like we belonged with other couples much. We married and had children young. All of our friends were still single. The people with children thought we were too young for them, I guess. We've always seemed to feel more connected with those a little older than us. Now, those we feel connected with have grown children~and, so do we, except we still have younger ones. The people with younger ones don't click with us either. It seems to be a vicous circle. We, too, find that we have to do all of the inviting. All I know is that God has plans!!! That I can take comfort in. I do still try to reach out to some of the people at church...even if they don't reach back. I am thankful for some of my online friends, too. I can share things with them much easier than the ones irl, although I've never had the pleasure of a phone conversation.
Praying God blesses you with a friend (and me too!)
Letitia

• Permanent Link

Entry 50 of 461
Last Page | Next Page