Under His Construction
• Apr. 4, 2008 - "Beacause I said so!"
Oh how I have rejected these words in my parenting methods over the years. I wanted my children to understand why I was requiring them to obey my commands. I wanted their hearts in their obedience and I thought that giving them a reason to obey would do just that. What I did not realize was that I was inadvertently teaching them that they need a good reason to obey. I was teaching them that they have some sort of say in my parental decisions, that they were co-parents with me. I was cultivating a child-centered home, not a God-centered one. Worse yet all of this was helping to build pride in them rather than humility. This will not bring the maturity that needs to take place in their hearts in order to subject their will to God, which is my very goal as their parent. They need to learn this first through their obedience to me, the authority God has placed over them.
Am I saying that giving reasons for what I was requiring is bad? No, but only after the kid's have learned to obey without a reason. They need to be ready to obey when God calls them to march around the walls of Jericho in their lives. So the rule is obey (with a good attitude) first ask questions (respectfully) later.
This is what I am seeking to do in our home right now and Oh man! is it hard! I have developed some very bad habits that I am finding very difficult to break! I can't believe the many ways I was trying to get around requiring obedience after instructions given once without an explanation.
Have you ever used any of the following?
1. Repeating instructions and making threats
"I mean it!"
"If I have to come in there!"
"I, 2, 3, 4...."
"If you don't do this, then I'll......"
"Don't you look at me like that!"
"Wait 'til your father gets home!"
"I'm not going to tell you again!" (of course you are - you're doing it right now)
"How many times must I tell you?"
"Want me to get the spanking paddle? Here I go" (stomp, stomp, stomp)
"Okay, we're leaving without you. Bye."
2. Bribery
"If you are on your best behavior then we might just get you a treat."
"If you go get in bed for your nap, I'll read your favorite story."
3. Allowing excuses
-Sometimes we even encourage excuses by asking "Why did/would you do that?"
4. Tricking or manipulating
-Making things into a game in order to get their cooperation
-Becoming animated or silly in order to coerce them to obey (doing a silly walk to naptime and such)
-Giving two choices ("Do you want to wear your pink or green mittens?") trying to eliminate the option of disobeying
-Not giving a direct order "Do you want to take the teddy bear or the doll to bed with you right now?"
-Making a contest in order to bring their obedience "Can you get your room clean in 5 minutes?"
-Reverse Psychology "Don't you eat that broccoli"
5. Condemnation and scorn
"Why would you do such a thing?"
"Can't you just obey for once!"
"Why do I have to tell you again and again?"
"Are you deaf?"
Don't these sound awful in your head as you read them? While I have not done all of these, I have done most of them. Ugh! And what are the results of these methods? Children who do not see our word as sufficient motivation to obey, who believe they are in charge, that we are at their mercy and that we are not worthy of their respect. Or we are developing children who obey out of fear of our harsh words and inwardly are saying to themselves "Why would I ever want to be a Christian? I can't wait to get out of here and do what I want!" Neither of these results are going to draw them to Jesus. And what's worse is that, in the employment of these methods, we are promoting defiance, aiding and abetting our children's disobedience.
I don't know about you but this is not what I want to happen, so I am taking action! Here is what I am doing:
1. My children are given an instruction calmly once and required to obey. If they can obey after the fifth time of being told, they can certainly obey after the first!
2. They are immediately and calmly (never in anger) disciplined if they do not obey quickly.
3. Their only response to my command is to be "Yes, mom" unless they have some sort of emergency in which they politely ask if they may tell me something. There are times where I do not have all of the information needed ("Mom, I need to go see Tommy because he is moving away tomorrow and I won't see him again") or when the task I have assigned can't be completed quickly ("I would bring the groceries in but the van is locked").
Amazingly this is still just one more of the many areas that the Bradleys spoke on that really struck a chord with me. Much of this post has come from their sessions at our local homeschool conference and from their book titled 'Child Training Tips: What I wish I knew when my children were young'. I just can't recommend their resources enough! I am hoping to cover a few more areas where we are making needed changes in our home as a direct result of their teachings from the conference. I hope and pray this blesses you as much as it did me.
|
Post A Comment! :: Send to a Friend!
|
|
|
|
|
• Apr. 5, 2008 - Untitled Comment