Jeremiah 29:11

So what about the times when you don't know what He's saying???

http://livingproofministries.blogspot.com/2008/12/luke-145.htm

Love the promise ... want to do better ...

I've been searching for something to kick me out of this slump ...

I can't write ... I don't want to talk on the phone (texting short, meaningless messages hasn't been impacted) and have meaningful conversations ... I can't really connect over miles or blocks or even the space of a pillow ...

before you think i'm suicidal or something- don't panic. Not that all ten of you who still bother to read would constitute a panic ... however ... I think this morning I found the question, even if I don't have the answer ... it was the title of another blog that I didn't even read ... I just plagiarized the title ...

oswald cut the chase today ...

Holiness is the balance between my disposition and the law of God as expressed in Jesus Christ.

Man does my disposition need to be adjusted by the law of God as expressed in Jesus Christ!

My Playlist

I love music. I think it's a ironic that I would have zero rhythm, I can only sing if you're listening with ears of love and the only things I can play are the radio, stereo in my car (most important feature) and my Ipod. I'm pretty good with my Ipod though ... and it brings me more joy that any 'thing' I own besides books. I can take TV or leave it (okay, I love a good basketball game or a great football game) ... but everyday I have to have a music fix.

I regularly change my playlist to fit the activity that I'm involved in ... example:

4-wheeling Playlist:

I Walk the Line - I keep a close watch on this heart of mine ... to make sure it's beating before and after each ride

Honky Tonk, Badonkadonk - it's stupid, degrading song, but I was trying to se a mood, to do the thing, I had to be another person. There's not really a lick of badonkadonk in me!

Redneck Woman - ditto the last song, except that by the time this song would come on, I pretty much needed to believe I was a redneck woman to complete the task at hand

Amazed - I was often amazed that I was even on one of those stupid machines, but actually, I dreamed that if I rode enough, that Randy would someday sing these lyrics to me ... I gave up riding before I ever heard those lyrics - because I decided I needed something more than sappy, country lyrics to get me through the next 50 years with him ... like legs, arms, a brain that functioned and my salvation. All things that I was afraid I would lose if I ever climbed back on one about 8 months ago! But I digress

Live Like You Were Dying - why did I choose this song?

What Hurts the Most - usually whatever hit first or bounced hardest.

Before He Cheats - anger helped me through the hardest part of most trails ... and I decided that a Louisville Slugger to his 4-wheel drive was a good idea ... really it had nothing to do with cheating, just with wanting to destroy Randy's 4-wheel drive.

Settlin' - well, I just like the song.

I Need You - As much as it makes me laugh right out loud as I type, I would get to this song and usually tear up ... because I'd been scared, well, outta my wits for lack of a more family-friendly phrase. And I would use this to help me remember that without Randy, I was never gettin' outta whatever we were in the middle of ... only a  couple of times did the angry part of the ride last into this song and I realized, I Needed Him to NEVER PUT ME IN THAT SITUATION AGAIN!!!

How Do I Live - the ever-present quandary

Something's Gotta Give ... oh, yeah, like the side of his head when I got ahold of that Louisville Slugger if we didn't reach the end of the trail soon.

Better Life- sappy song to remind me of those poor days when we couldn't have afforded 4-wheelers ... oh for those wonderful days!

Must Be Doing Something Right- i needed to have happy thoughts of my husband about then ...

Come a Little Closer - sometimes I needed two songs to get me there.

Politically Uncorrect- I needed a little redneck to make it's way back into my mind

Mud On Your Tires - easier part of the trail coming on ... maybe it wasn't so bad afterall ... yeah, it was!

Alcohol - Another place and time in my life, it might have been the solution to the situation ... just kidding, don't send me hate mail! Okay, just kidding, mostly. 

Tomorrow's Playlist ... Jeep Music!

Scattegories

It Coulda Been Worse

had a fun meme on her site today and since I've fed 3 different familes for the past 3 days, washed a million and one dishes/spoons/forks/glasses (slight exaggeration, but not much) ... my ability to create a read-worthy blog is questionable!

So I'm just going to play along!

Here are the rules:

• Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following questions.
• They have to be real places, names, things. nothing made up!
• You can’t use your name for the boy/girl name question.

1. What is your name? arajbrown

2. A 4 Letter Word: Able ... describes my favorite people in the world, my husband- able to provide in a multitude of ways, my son-able to bring a smile in the most difficult of circumstances, my dearest friend, able to cut straight to my heart with that two-edged sword, my God in all ways, always..

3. A Boys Name:  Atticus, I do love that name!

4. A Girls Name: Abby (I might have liked to have named a little girl that ...)

5. An Occupation: Artist, which is what I would call my husband, but never myself.

6. A Color: Amber (hate that color)

7. Something you wear: ankle socks ... don't get the wrong picture, there's no ruffle or lace or even pink trim, they are socks that land at my ankle ...

8. A Beverage: Apple Juice

9. A Food: Asparagus (great teamed with chicken breasts in a creamy sauce over whatever carb you choose (rice, cous cous, egg noodles)

10. Something found in the bathroom: Asprin

11. A place: Ashville, the first romantic destination for hubby and me!

12. A Reason for being late: A cell phone, a book, a bookbag, a pair of shoes ... a son who would forget his head if it weren't attached, and regardless of how cheesy that sounds- it's true!!!

13. Something you shout:  Alright, someone's gonna get hurt. Those words get play at my house on a daily basis!

Okay, I tag all of y’all.

Riddle me this Batmoms ...

if you give instructions to do the definitions, to take notes on the bold-face words ... does it not stand to reason that one would need to READ THE CHAPTER ... to be able to complete those tasks?? And that possibly one would note that one HAD NOT READ THE CHAPTER before question 15 on the study guide??

argh!

Book Meme

I’ve seen this series of questions floating around the ‘net the last few days, and thought it looked like a good one for us!

What was the last book you bought?

Beneath the Pines by Janet Beard

Name a book you have read MORE than once

To Kill a Mockingbird

Has a book ever fundamentally changed the way you see life? If yes, what was it?

yes ... there are so many ... The Bible being the most obvious, Prince of Tides by Pat Conroy being the least obvious and Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers the most profound

How do you choose a book? eg. by cover design and summary, recommendations or reviews

I go looking for books upon recommendation ... but sometimes I buy a book (at a used bookstore) because I feel some sort of connection with the words the minute that I take it in my hand.

Do you prefer Fiction or Non-Fiction?

Fiction that isn't too out of the realm of possibillity.

What’s more important in a novel - beautiful writing or a gripping plot?

 a beautifully written, gripping plot

Most loved/memorable character (character/book)

Angel in Redeeming Love

Which book or books can be found on your nightstand at the moment?

Beneath the Pines, Fair is the Rose, The Lies Women Believe, Jesus the One and Ony

What was the last book you’ve read, and when was it?

Beneath the Pines (okay, I have 10 pages to go ...)

Have you ever given up on a book half way in?

I've put a book down in the middle, but I usually go back to it.

Been mulling this over in my mind ...

since yesterday morning.

I was struck by the Truth of the following passage by good 'ole Oswald:

Sin is a fundamental relationship; it is not wrong doing, it is wrong being, deliberate and emphatic independence of God.

The entire reading went on to delineate the notion that we come to God with a laundry list of sins we've committed. Everyday, everyday ... lining them out for us and for HIm - when in reality it was the sinfulness, the innate, unavoidable sinfulness of each of us that is at the root of our separation from a Holy God. He notes the use of the word SIN vs. SINS, using that as a way to differentiate between Christianity and other religions which focus on individual sins instead of a sinful nature.

And while it was a topic worth pondering in and of itself, as the day went on, I had a sick feeling about my own condition ... the pride that was present when a good day had gone by and my end of the day prayers contained fewer confessions ... and the shame (which I'm coming to believe is just pride in a wrapper of self-hate ... that may be for another blog or may prove itself too personal) of the days that seemed like I couldn't even recall every single rotten thing I'd done in a day- and that Deeply Abiding Spirit called for something more than I was offering.

And it was- it was calling for a surrender of me. I think what the Apostle Paul called "dying daily" ...

but how often do I really do that. I'm reading a book called No Other Gods by Kelly Mintor (I know,everyone else in the whole world read it with Beth Moore this summer ... I was waiting on my small group ... another story) ... and I've been trying to look at what the modern day idols are in my life ... since I don't have a golden calf in my backyard (funny, I feel like if you called, Randy would have stored about everything else in the world somewhere in our backyard, but I digress) ... one of the things that I'm discovering about myself is that my "To Do List" with God is one of my idols. I give my service to a list of 'gotta get it done's - especially in my relationship with the Lord. And it becomes ritualistic- not unlike bring a sacrifice before a false god ...

Doesn't that scream a reliance on works/legalism ... therefore, myself ....

gack! Rely on me??? What foolishness.

So there's the problem/idol/god ... pride.

And I'm left to re-examine my heart in relationship to everything that I do. What is the posture of my heart when I approach an activity ... is it God-honoring, or merely good. If I'm do do every good work as unto the Lord ... then don't I need to be focused on the God-honoring activity instead of what we would deem 'the good stuff' of life? And how does one decide the difference?

It's a sad night here...

but it's more sad in Frankfort, Indiana for my dad.

The Cubs have lost again ... in a season when they won 97 regular season games- they couldn't manage one win in post-season. I don't know if it's the curse of the goat or an idiot  fan who leans into the field of play ... but it is a monumental loss. For the first time in many, many years ... I think my dad really thought this would be the year.  After 68 years of listening, taking vacation days to go see them at Wrigley Field ... I wasn't just hoping this was the year - I was praying.

Silly? Maybe, but he's my dad.

And so we'll wait 'til next year.

Again.

At my house this morning ...

I heard a slight change in attitude ... I'm reserving judgement on said change, well, because it means a decrease in the amount of AXE being  used in my house! I believe this can only be a good thing ...

Last week ... "Mom, could you buy me some body wash. Not Axe, it dries out my skin. And, maybe something that smells good but not too much good smell."

Yesterday at Wal-mart I checked out a multitude of Body Wash for Men stuff ... since the job was left to me, I thought I'd search for one that would do body and hair ... after all, some of the toxicity comes from the mixing of one body wash scent, one hair scent, one deoderant scent, one body spray scent ... and for a brief period of time (until I hid it) cologne. His room was like migraine trigger central. I came home with Dial for Men ... HYDRATING formula.

This morning ... "Mom, the new stuff is awesome. It smells good, it feels good, it washes and conditions my hair ... you know (serious teenage voice) I have to keep up my reputation of  having the softest  hair of all."

Tonight, after everyone goes to sleep ... I'm changing everything back to Johnson's Baby Shampoo ... I've seen those girls rubbin' on his head ... now I know why and I won't contribute to that!!!

Oh my!

Things that make me happy ...

BooMama has a list of things that make her happy ... Loved that this morning as I try to re-focus on finding the Joy of the Lord in every day.

So ...

Things that make me happy ...

1. the moment that the sun breaks over the mountains (literally or figuratively)

2. when a sleepy boy still wants a back scratch

3. making my husband a lunch that I know will fill his stomach, reduce the stress on his wallet and contains something he wasn't expecting

4. phone calls that stretch across states and connect hearts (even if face to face would make me happier)

5. that feeling following prayer when you've purged your heart and a weight  has been lifted

6. dinner and coffee with friends

7. FALL ... finally, my gray sweatshirt is able to make an appearance

8. a cup of tea with my son

9. friends who share laughter and tears

10. laundry that is done, folded and put away

11. cold sheets occupied by warm hearts

12. the promise of a date with my husband

13. music that leads me into worship, even if I'm cleaning the toilet

14. "light bulb moments" when we're trying to learn a new skill

15. people who want to be known

16. basketball season (actually ... pre-season, season, post-season, off-season ... it's an illness)

17. hot soup and warm bread

18. the feeling when my favorite house guests are about to arrive come home- it's the same feeling that I used to get when I was young and trying to go to sleep before Christmas morning ... I had no idea what was going to happen, but I knew it was going to be great.

19. knowing that I've helped a kid work through an issue

20. AJ and his friends in my Jeep

21. camping in the fall or spring ... winter isn't bad either

22. knowing my husband is coming home

23. completing a project (why don't I do this more if Iike it so much ...  hmmm)

24. did I mention my gray sweatshirt???

25. the memory of the ocean crashing against the beach ...

26. baked sweet potatoes

27. babies who are just learning to talk

28. new tennis shoes (New Balance please)

29. books that captivate me for a time

30. biscotti ... I think it's about time for a batch!

Camping in a hurry ...

when we purchased a self-contained camper ... there was the promise of leaving this ready to go in a moments notice ...

the reality is that sheets get washed and put away in the house and need to be toted to the camper before every departure ...

food can't be stored for fear of critters ...

clothes have to be packed, meals planned, large cooking vessels hauled down the drive way ...

school books have to be included, as well as the dry erase boards ...

Ipods and cellphone chargers usually make their way into the mix ...

and because of the Florida-UT game, we're taking the big TV in hopes that we'll be able to pick up a signal.

2 hours ago ... the question was, "why are we doing this?"

right now, with sheets gathered, clothes nearly packed, meals planned, books packed, the cooler than we've seen in a while breeze that's blowing outside whispers the answer in my ear, "because we can ... be cause he's worth the trouble ... because it means that body and mind slow their frantic pace ... because souls reconnect and love one another better"

and so we're off! 

A funny thing happened on the way to the coffee pot this morning ...

I did the things that I typically do ... stopped for my Bible, got a cup, stuck two pieces of bread in the toaster ... and settled in at the counter.

I've received several 'encouragements' of late to spend more time in the Word. So I flipped open to Psalms for 5 chapters ... Proverbs for 1 chapter ... and topped off with some time in Ephesians.  DONE ... checked off the list for the day. In 20 minutes flat- and I was reading more than I usually do.

Such encouragement ticked me off a bit because I am consistently checking Devotions off my daily to do list. And while I received such encouragement from each person readily- okay, with a side of "I'm doing that" , this morning there was a new understanding ...

you see yesterday, I cleaned out my coffeemaker. It didn't look nasty, but it was sluggish in brewing ... the coffee wasn't tasting as good as it had in the past and even though we'd changed filters and coffee ... things were still askew in my coffee loving world. As I cleaned the pot and all the easily reached parts ... I realized they'd been well maintained with a wipe down or rinse every so often.

But the internal workings, well, I wasn't sure. So, I added a pot full of white vinegar to the machine and let it start to work. First of all ... it smelled awful ... that scent of coffee and vinegar together. It brought AJ out to see what was going on! Something was not right and he could tell. When the pot was finished brewing, it was obvious what the problem was ...

there was too much junk in the inside for the coffee to taste good- regardless of the quality of the coffee.

There was, scaly stuff, white chunks, black chunks and a sludge of the top of the water. (If you had coffee at my house in the last month or two, I'm so sorry) ...

So, I rinsed out the pot, added another dose of vinegar and repeated the process. Surely, this would finish it off.

Again with the crud at the bottom of the pot. What the heck ... I ran one pot of vinegar through! I'm a little grossed out at what I'm seeing. So I run third pot through ... significantly less crud ... and a fourth ... almost none at all ... and 3 pots of water though until it's running clear and vinegar scent free. I was pleased, but really didn't think too much beyond, 'wow, the coffee will run through 3x's as fast tomorrow morning' ... and went on with the rest of my day.

This morning, the coffee ran through more quickly ... and it tasted better than it had tasted in months. I didn't even realize the bitter taste we were getting ...

probably because the taste deteriorated over time I surmised.

And then it happened. Standing at the coffee pot, I ran into the Cross.

Why did my friends encourage me to spend more time in the Word ... because what I was spitting out was bitter(Likewise, if you've sought fellowship and encouragement at my house in the past few months, I apogize ... it might have been more bitter than the coffee!). Ephesians 4:31-32 says ... Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling, and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

When I asked Sandy, "How do you know I'm not spending time talking to Him?" the response I got was this ...

Guess I don't think the despair, anger anxiety and loneliness you've been experiencing can grow to the magnitude it has in the light of His face.  I'm not saying I don't understand why you're feeling them.  The Accuser of the Brethren is rubbing your face in past sins that your heavenly Father has paid for and put out of his mind.

About the antithesis of the verses in Ephesians, huh?

This morning, I realized that there have been more gentle reminders from some along the way ... "keep reading and writing, that will help you work through some of this" ... "what are you using for your quiet time?" ...

all of which would have been met with an answer to satisfy the question ... but the evidence was in- regardless of the minutes or hours I'd spent with the Word beside me, around me, near me ... I  wasn't allowing the Word to get in me.

Just the same as the coffee pot ... I could have poured the vinegar on the outside and made it shiny, I could have put it in the pot and made it look better ... I could have even run it through once and cleaned it out a little ... but the inside would have still produced bitter coffee. Because the remedy wouldn't have been thoroughly applied.

So, this morning, I went back to the Remedy ... I found myself re-reading Psalm 1-5 ... and Proverbs 1 and 2 ... and back in Ephesians 3 ... reminded again of how deep and wide the Love of Christ is ... settling in Ephesians 4 over the verses I shared earlier ... confessing the sin, bitterness, unforgiveness and anger that I've let build there over the past months. Laying it down, allowing His love to wash over it in a way that cleanses. Realizing that this will require continual reapplication ... afterall, that's where the problem started. I wasn't attending to the inside ...

but today I'm hopeful that my friends will find their place beside me in life as the song states,

"There’s a sweet, sweet Spirit in this place
And I know that it’s the Spirit of the Lord
There are sweet expressions on each face
And I know they feel the presence of the Lord

Sweet Holy Spirit... sweet heavenly dove...
Stay right here with us
Filling us with Your love

And for these blessings
We lift our hearts in praise
Without a doubt we know
That we’ll have been revived
When we shall leave this place"

9.11.01 through his eyes

Today my heart, mind and emotions have been like so many of you ... on 9-11 ... and I've seen post after post discussing the aftermath, the pros and cons of war, the axis of Evil and it takes me back to that moment ...

that moment was pre-homeschooling for us. I was in a room with 10 or so teen moms, 10 or so college-aged volunteers and responsible for the 10 infants down the hallway. Trying to decide how to best help these teenage moms process what it all meant ... trying to help these teens/early twenty college students make sense of the madness ... my teachers were reeling wanted to their children (one of whom was living just outside Washington, D.C. at the time), husbands, families ...

and I wanted mine. AJ was sitting in a kindergarten classroom 5 miles from me. And I couldn't get to him that very moment. The first glimpse he had of the towers falling was on an overhead TV that some teacher had turned on with subtitles ...

he could recognize the skyline of NYC because his favorite babysitter/person/woman in the world outside me was living there. And all he could eek out when we got him home was, "Is my Jenny okay?" A tiny little voice, He didn't know the name Osama or Saddam ... he didn't know that bombs contained more than water ... and he didn't know that fear could live so close to home.  But what he did know was that he loved Jenny, Jenny's towers were falling down on top of people ... and he didn't know what to do. We prayed, we watched, we called Jenny's mom who assured us she was ok, in New Jersey, watching the flames from the top of her apartment building. 

Why did they shoot an airplane at Jenny's towers mommy? Do you think they thought the towers were empty? Do you think they meant to hurt those people? Do you think some of those people were mommy's and daddy's? Do you think they'll come out from under the buildings?

I would turn the TV off and find it on with him in front of it again. So we watched, because we  were compelled to watch. We prayed because we did not know one other thing that would help. We huddled close together on the couch, safe in Daddy's arms because it was the only safe place left in the world for that moment.

I don't know if the world stopped spinning or if putting a boot in someone's backside is "the American Way" ... but life is different. Our children live in a world where it isn't shocking to hear that 10 soldier died in Iraq today ... that another father, son, mother, daughter is headed into harms way ... and another procession is lead someone to their final resting place far too early.

Today isn't about terroism -

it's about innocence lost too soon,

lives lost too soon

and Jenny.

Sometimes I wonder ...

about people.

When AJ was little, he chewed a gun out of his toast ... NO JOKE. He picked up sticks and pretended they were guns ... He shot people with his finger, his pencil, his toy guys ... whatever he could get his hands on ...

he's a weapon guy!

I tried to buy him a pop gun at the Tractor Store in the mall ... they informed me that they didnt' sell 'weapons' ...

you'd have thought I wanted an missle launcher!

My very intelligent friend who has only one daughter was concerned about AJ's attitude about guns and killing. She reasoned with him at lunch once, "AJ do you think you should be killing people for no reason at all?" He was as polite as a 4 year old could possibly be ... but that night he told me  how sorry he was that Vandy didn't have any pretend in her heart.

Various friends have been 'concerned' over the use of Airsoft. He shoots his friends, they shoot him and hurting each other is the objective.

Wonder how Sarah Palin would feel about that? I'm guessing she'd approve.

Tonight, we took AJ to buy an upgraded version of an airsoft gun ... lots of money ... the  promise of a lot of pain. Randy explained where we were headed ...

silence.

These people believe in a woman's right to kill her baby, gay marriage, liberal expressions of art, liberal political views ... liberal every kind of views ... they use words like tolerance and acceptance in terms of lifestyle choices ...

but they worry about teenage boys, running around shooting each other with tiny plastic bb's ...

go figure!

Oswald is at it again ....

I had to laugh right out loud when I read the first line because I was immediately reminded of all the times that I've said ... "Lord, are you seeing this???" as if there's something that I am able to perceive or comprehend that He (omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent God ...) might have been missing. And the times that I've been in prayer that I failed to remember that I'm just really there to cast my cares, bring my petitions - per scripture- and I treat it as if it's my journalistic responsibility to "keep Him up to Speed" on the situation.   My laughter turned to awe when the reality- I mean, sit on your heart and begin to alter it reality of the only thing I see (comprehend, understand, discern, pick up on ... etc.) is that thing which HE says, "Amy, do you see what's happening here? LET ME SHOW YOU ..."   And then my awe to a humbling, "Why would you ever even give me a glimpse when I am so self-centered, foolish, unteachable and unbelieving?"   And broken to the core when I'm gently reminded that anything He does has to do with only His Glory, His Purpose, His Plans ...   and in my weakness only He can use me because of Who He Is ... and what I admit, I Am Not.  THE MISSIONARY WATCHING
"Watch with Me." Matthew 26:40 "Watch with Me" - with no private point of view of your own at all, but watch entirely with Me. In the early stages we do not watch with Jesus, we watch for Him. We do not watch with Him through the revelation of the Bible; in the circumstances of our lives. Our Lord is trying to introduce us to identification with Himself in a particular Gethsemane, and we will not go; we say - "No, Lord, I cannot see the meaning of this, it is bitter." How can we possibly watch with Someone Who is inscrutable? How are we going to understand Jesus sufficiently to watch with Him in His Gethsemane, when we do not know even what His suffering is for? We do not know how to watch with Him; we are only used to the idea of Jesus watching with us. The disciples loved Jesus Christ to the limit of their natural capacity, but they did not understand what He was after. In the Garden of Gethsemane they slept for their own sorrow, and at the end of three years of the closest intimacy they "all forsook Him and fled." "They were all filled with the Holy Ghost" - the same "they," but something wonderful has happened in between - Our Lord's Death and Resurrection and Ascension; and the disciples have been invaded by the Holy Spirit. Our Lord had said - "Ye shall receive power after that the Holy Ghost is come upon you," and this meant that they learned to watch with Him all the rest of their lives.

Simple Truths ...

from the Louisville, KY Living Proof Simulcast ...

Jesus Loves Me ... This I Know ... For the Bible ... Tells Me So

no matter what ...

Jesus Loves Me ... This I Know ... For the Bible ... Tells Me So

through tears ...

Jesus Loves Me ... This I Know ... For the Bible ... Tells Me So

through gritted teeth ...

Jesus Loves Me ... This I Know ... For the Bible ... Tells Me So

Out from under the clutter ...

Last week ... AJ was in Florida.

I cleaned. Out of necessity of heart and home. The XBox room was the first because it seemed the most managable ... i was sort of wrong.

But ... I found a most precious picture of mom and son ... a few letters and cards that were fun to go through again ... clothes that were old and outdated made their way to the garbage or Goodwill.

But in the bottom of the closet, under the boxes of science experiments was a small bag. Inside were two treasures that in December of '99 I thought might be important someday. You see, even when my Granddaddy was sick, had oxygen tank and tubes everywhere ... my son loved him. He loves him still. AJ called him GG Pa ... the Pa part stuck in his mind most because when he was five he was proud that we were related to one of Jesus' apostles ... the Apostle Pa ... true story.

So, when GG Pa died when AJ was four, I wondered what he'd like to have of his ... watches were claimed ... wedding rings claimed ... there was every little of value ... AJ chose one bottle of Gray Flannel which I occassionally sneak in and smell. For him, I chose a pair of overalls and a flannel shirt which were the treasures in the bag ... tonight, I showed him the clothes ... knowing that overalls aren't his thing, I wondered what the reaction would be ... he was thrilled, which thrilled me. I even got an unsolicited hug, kiss and thank you for thinking of him all those years ago. I nearly cried watching his long legs fill the legs of my Granddaddy's overalls ... knowing how pleased he would be to see that boy that sat on his lap proudly wearing his Big Smith's ... I'll spend some time working on the cowboy boots and one other treasure for his 13th birhtday. Somehow, that just seems like the right thing to do.

My heart is full tonight.

A Little Grace

I consider myself an okay driver. Not because I'm a great driver, but because I am, in my husband's estimation, "painfully careful" ...

I'm careful because I know my limitations. I have zero depth perception (vertical or horizontal) ... I try to not frequent locations I've not scoped out, I try not to position myself in parking spots where I'm going to have to maneuver around to get out ... and I've never had a wreck (well, except for a snowy road in the middle of a midwestern snowstorm ... there was a snow drift, an icy surface and well ... thank the Lord, no other vehicles on the road)!

but no matter how well I know my own weaknesses, try to avoid putting myself in awkward situations and avoid doing the wrong thing ... IT HAPPENS. A curb, a pole, I might have to back up a time or two or six ...

And such was the case on Friday at the Horn of Plenty. I was in a hurry, my mind was elsewhere and I did not notice how full the parking lot was when I started my entry. I managed into a spot fine, picked out peaches for cobbler and Yukon Gold for mashed potatoes and gathered salsa ingredients ... all in record time! Heading toward the Jeep I realized, "Oh, man, how am I gonna get outta there?" and that's when the deep panic set in my gut because I knew I was in over my head.  I'd made a hasty decision and now I was going to pay for it.

I was bound to screw up. There was a curb, a busy road, a pole, cars beside me and cars behind me ... all the makings for a disaster.  But ... I had to get home and Randy was working ... "OK ... I can do this."

Well, it didn't take15 seconds to know that, 'yes, I could do it, but I couldn't do it without making a mistake."

And the rich little man, in the little silver sportscar wanted to give me grief ... man, did he give me grief ... and believe me, it was completely unnecessary for him to point out what I'd done wrong ...

I KNEW I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ENTRANCE- I DIDN'T WANT TO BE THERE ANY MORE THAN HE WANTED ME THERE ...

he honked, shouted something out his window at me, pointed to the middle of the entrance and still bumped his tires up on the curb ... none of which helped me get out of the way any more quickly or conveniently for him. I left the parking lot thinking about how stupid I was, how foolish I'd looked ...

and yes, I was slightly honked off at the little man who was so impatient ... but mostly I was just feeling stupid and talking to myself and saying all the things I wanted to say to him ... if he'd just let me get ouf of the mess before jumping in and pointing out all the ways I'd screwed up, I just needed a little space to right what I'd done so wrong ... if he'd just been 15 seconds patient, he wouldn't have hit the curb or made me look foolish, and then I said it, "All I needed was a little Grace" ...

And somewhere in my soul I realized that just about covers life in general. Sometimes, we all just need a little Grace.

How many times do we recognize our sin, but we're in the middle of the garbage we've created around us ... we're even ready to admit that we've messed up (sometimes in horrific ways) ... we just need a little room/time/energy/encouragement to be able to work ourselves out of the middle of the muck. I think how often we look at folks, kids or adults, and we blast them for making a mistake and then for having to maneuver themselves out of the middle of it ... and make no mistake, if there's a mess, there will be consequences to be worked through.

And all that's required is a little grace. Not an exemption from the consequences, just Grace for the moment where they're trying to figure out what the next move is supposed to be.

I didn't have any choice but to continue to pull my car through the middle of the entrance ... I needed another 15 seconds to make right the previous decision. But I was trying.

I needed the little man to give me a minute to work myself out of my mess. Grace, just a little grace. He was on the sidelines in the enviable position of having done it all right! Maybe, just maybe he didn't know what it was like to have done it wrong.

Whatever your IT is today, I pray that the little man in the little sportscar  in your life will grant you Grace ... Grace to get yourself out of the pickle your in!

Friendship

Ecclesiastes 4:10

For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. NASB

Kneeling at the foot of the cross ...

wrestling with life ...

accountability  in our struggles...

laughter in the midst of the storm ...

contentedness in need ...

peace in chaos ...

challenge to be better than you thought you could be ...

security to be just who you are...

honesty inspite of fear ...

love in unspeakable ways ...

known as one who has purpose ...

treasured in undeserving ways ...

covered in petition ...

silence that speaks volumes ...

and words that bring healing ...

and a heart that always points back to the cross.

I pray this kind of friendship for you. I am blessed.