Alert reader MKPierce mentioned the real culprit behind the Boss’ recent battle with a kidney stone – GLOBAL WARMING!  That’s right.  Global warming!  And since we all know that George Bush is solely responsible for global warming, my wife’s kidney stone was THE PRESIDENT’S FAULT!

The dirty rotten scoundrel. 

A simple Google search confirmed MK’s observation.  The 103rd Annual Scientific Meeting of the American Urological Association (and don’t ya’ just wanna run right out and join THAT group) announced last May that global warming will account for an increase in incidences of kidney stones in the United States.  The southern US is already known as “the stone belt.”  This is not to be confused with “the stoner belt,” which is actually a chain of liberal colleges stretching up and down the east coast.  Rising global temperatures could increase the size of the stone belt so much that 50% of our population could live in it by the year 2050.  We must do something about global warming because we must SAVE OUR KIDNEYS!  

I think that I read somewhere that the president is heavily invested in a company that makes artificial kidneys, and the hope is that by causing a world-wide increase in temperatures there will be so many incidences of kidney stones that there will be a corresponding increase in kidney failure, causing a world-wide need for artificial kidneys.  The evil-doer in the oval office stands to make millions.   We should contact members of congress and see that we get a windfall profits tax slapped on BIG KIDNEY.  I think you should copy this into an e-mail and send it to all of your friends to warn them as soon as possible. 

I’ve also read that drinking a lot of water can not only help in passing a kidney stone (the first thing they did in the hospital was give the Boss an IV to jack up her fluid level) but can also help prevent the formation of kidney stones.  It goes to figure that the ED-in-the-OO is also heavily invested in BIG WATER.  So, I guess it doesn’t matter whether you get ‘em or prevent ‘em.  He’s getting rich either way.

The crook. 

While there are many different causes of kidney stones, it appears that diet has a large effect on their creation, but we cannot allow something as astoundingly common-sensical as PERSONAL BEHAVIOR to enter into the great GLOBAL WARMING DEBATE.   Foods high in sodium, too much calcium, dehydration, and oxalates can lead to the development of those tiny buggers that create such intense pain in spouses that they feel the need to breath heavily, thrash and moan, and generally make such a disturbance that they wake their sleeping partners.   Rhubarb, spinach, strawberries, chocolate, wheat bran, nuts, beets, tea, and OKRA are high in oxalates, and should be avoided. 

Oh.  Darn.  I need to stay away from OKRA.  Shoot.  What’s a guy to do?  Well, if I must avoid deep fried flavorless green shoots filled with mucus, I guess I’ll make that sacrifice.  And please, SOUTHERN CONTINGENT, save your comments about how I must not have ever had okra made properly like the way your grandmother made it.  It’s a vegetable filled with snot.  Deep fry it, dip it in cheese, bathe it in Hollandaise sauce  – it doesn’t matter.  Snot is snot.             

Remember this the next time you go to the polls and vote for the person who will look out for your best interests.   Research to find out if they take donations from BIG KIDNEY or BIG WATER PACs.   Ask candidates whether or not they will do anything to save your kidneys.  Then go home and eat a slice of rhubarb pie topped with chocolate covered strawberries and wash it down with a glass of tea.  And when you’re thrashing in bed next to your spouse later in the evening, remember...

This too shall pass.