While J’s regressions were not as completely severe as the ones detailed in this Autism at Home Series article, they WERE as completely and authentically real as this. Except for their ability to pinpoint an exact starting occasion we would relate exactly. I can account for two major differences in functioning for J and accompanying stress reduction for our family. The first happened when he hit middle school. I am told this is not uncommon for any ASD child., so I cannot relate as to whether it was his actual age, the environment, our decision to bring him home for Learning (instead of public school), or some combination of all the above or something I may not be realizing to include. The next hit on a more gradual scale between the age of 16 ½ to 17 ½ . J’s regressions happened similarly to this, but regularly over time. He would make leaps and bounds of progression, and then there would follow a regression of some sort and it would rarely be related to the recent area of progression. In other words, his mind was concentrating on learning something new, and so he seemed to lose the *ability* to fully and completely function in all other areas. Something would have to give, and it would. Like a roulette wheel deciding what he was going to lose in his ability to function. Puberty did indeed hit with bodily and functional confusion. That was the last of his major tantrum and *blow-up* episodes we SEEM to have had to endure though! Yes, our son has indicated to me that there is a point Aspies/ASD reach where they feel overwhelmed and they just *lose* all control of everything. This is not the same as losing one’s temper. Temper is a choice. Becoming overwhelmed by your ever-changing body and outside stimulus you can’t control is not. As they relate in this story, many people told me along the way that J’s behaviors were purposeful. Many a time I received “helpful” parenting advice. He is a highly intelligent little creature of a man and undoubtedly, there will have been some instances where that may have been true and in the future of course, I will concede that is more likely to be true with each coming age. Occasions where he had learned to be typical and was trying to emulate this normality and receive the best possible outcome are the most likely. However, the vast majority of these events and behaviors were NOT choice. They were innate, uncontrollable reactions to his inability to process all the stimuli inside & around him. As I have learned about Autistic phonemes (current medical research regarding ASD), I have considered certain times when I might have been in that position myself and now truly relate to the phrase “There, but for the Grace of God, go I”. Perhaps with as much supportive intervention as the family in this story, we might have had better, more consistent results. We did the best we could. J is pretty well progressed for an Aspie his age, I believe, and I feel a certain pride about that. The last few years have seen major, soaring evolution in his capacity for social interaction and understanding. I think perhaps he has surpassed me in this area. Unfortunately, this has come at a heavy cost of lesser academic ability, a seeming apathy for state requirements and a separation from the family’s cohesive functioning. It seems he is becoming, dare I say it, *normal*. This seems to be a *typical* teen trait so I have faith that he will regain inspiration and goals and return *to the family* as it were in due course. I know the true praise for this growth goes to him for all his efforts and indomitable spirit, and to key friends and activities we were graced enough for J to participate in.1 Not every family has the ability to maintain these professional contacts and get this regular training. That is part of why I scour the net and try to respond to what I see and repost it along with *my* thoughts and *our* experiences here. So that other families may more easily find these resources and know they are not alone. We felt that way for a long time, even after the diagnosis. Even when J was in Social Skills groups and he met with other Aspies. He had multiple diagnoses (which is actually common) and within the scope of his regressions, he was considerably more progressed than the counterparts he kept meeting. Was he really THAT unique? We searched for help and were usually ruled out by the very results of the efforts we were already utilizing within the family. Counselors helped some, but eventually talk doesn’t help anymore. Besides; there was nothing wrong with J, he was simply different than other, typical children and talking to a counselor won’t change WHO you are. We decided the family would stop talking with counselors and utilize our time and efforts in other places. Once he hit middle school the social skills groups disappeared because he was not attending public school. They are required to allow participation, but since they assign participation by your registered school, then we had no “school” for which he was assigned. We would have gone to any school for his *legally* necessary treatments and therapies, but our continual efforts were lost on the district we lived in.2
J is now 17. He has around three more years of what we consider to be *high school* credit) Mostly due to the fact that we had him in public school and they *suggested* we hold him back for repetitions of grades and we complied before we knew the harm that might cause) before we think he will continue on and tackle college work. He will be making up some time by using CLEPS and getting both high school and college credits for certain subjects. All in all, he won’t be terribly age behind by the time he wishes to transfer to a four-year university (his desire). Our psychiatrist made a relevant point on this topic: When he is 40/45 and successful in his chosen profession nobody is going to care how long (and rarely which path he chose) to get there. What they are going to care about is his effective capability for doing his desired work, his passion for doing it and the efficiency with which he does it. These are all things we know J will have in whatever field he eventually chooses to conquer. Right now he tells me this is astrophysics. That has been his desire for some time. We shall see what path God has planned for him and what he finds happiness in and loves doing in service for others.
1- I am being encouraged to write a book where I will write more detailed accounts of these people/activities and their positive benefits to our lives. Meanwhile, I feel compelled to tell the world there certainly are admirable folks out there. This is not an extensive list or even all inclusive to what they did for us and how we know them, just a glimpse of the many exemplary things they do and their principled character. Jennifer Smith; for helping me figure out what *normal* was in our early family years and accepting our family as we were. We understand the rest of your family’s actions/reactions. We do not hold anything against them. We wish your entire family the very best life has to offer. J & I consider N to be his first true friend. J says that if we lived closer, he would still likely be trying, but the distance makes it difficult. Your family can find us and rely on us for support and anything you need anytime. Erich Van Iersel: so hard to explain to you across time & distance without misconception (by others mostly) but I feel strongly it should be done. The true Godly love we shared as friends those few years in & just after High school were critical for me. I have rarely seen the exhaustive compassion you demonstrated to me for others during that time. Your focus on aspirations was encouraging. I was always driven to be the best possible*me* I could be around you. An attitude that has stayed with me over the years (even in extreme hardship & bad relationships) and has been a dynamic force in my relationship and parenting of our son. Many times I have felt completely lost, turned to God and prayed for guidance, but remembering those former experiences, I did not give up. I believe that without these qualities my ability to mother would have been significantly diminished. I might have given in to others views on him. He might have been lost. Lost to me! Lost to the world, turned inside himself. To me you are the unequivocal Godly man! You are the hopes and dreams I aspire for our son to become. Human faults are a given. Whatever you have/have had of those is between you, God and your family. My children mean everything to me and I feel you helped me prepare for them. To this point you have never personally met J and know very little of him. Same for C. I fancy the idea someday that will change. Perhaps our families will someday have a relationship of sorts, perhaps they won’t. God will tell. I wish you & yours every blessing imaginable. Family Karate for the strength of body and character they instilled in both our children. We don’t wish to single out any particular staff member as the entire body and family ownership here was instrumental in transforming our children. They modeled and instructed the Tenets of Tae Kwon Do in a loving empathetic manner that took into account our children’s needs. Our children responded in every way. Their bodies responded. Their minds responded. Our home became more structured and happy. I have a feeling Master Truscott would have been discontented at the daily happenings and customary regressions in our household, but the attendance of the children to his facilities, and their earned promotion through his program, especially for J, was incalculably precious and commendable. Since not everyone lives in southern California I will recommend that you look into a Tae Kwon Do program near you. Do this even if your ASD child is clumsy, awkward, has poor muscle definition and related poor muscle control. Even if they don’t specifically have a physically challenged program (which J did not participate in) they are generally aware of these needs and teach to the level and ability of the child/adult. The rest of it comes along as a natural part of the program. It is not a magical cure and may not work for everyone, but I have not only seen it work for my children there, I have seen it successful for multitudes of families across the nation. Obviously something about the mixture of Tae Kwon Do’s Value tenets and the physical efforts *clicks* with our ASD’s in these cases. I intend to address religion separately, but wish to acknowledge here that it has been a strong supportive force for me and the children since I was four. Others not mentioned specifically may hereby understand that I value everyone’s support over the years. I could write an entire book just mentioning you all, or even some of you individually, so I must do it collectively here. My Family; because my experiences made me who I am. Without that I could not write anything or help anybody. I certainly could not have parented a child with special needs. Despite our anomalous characteristics, we are still a family and that should be celebrated.
2- Our family (J, Mom, & “the family”) worked passionately within and around this district and its locality for understanding and change until we moved away from it. We constantly, little by little, saw the positive changes occurring in the understanding, resources and treatment available for ASD’s in our wake as we endeavored. Take heart friend, the world is changing and our families will eventually have the support, research, strategies and focus they need for our ASD affected members to adjust to the world effectively and help us be more effective and happy as we work with them in this capacity.
Look for more articles on ASD, Home educating, and LOVEing life as we continue our efforts to bring the world accessible resources through building this blog.
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