Posted in Christianity

Seven years ago, some close family members did something that hurt me, my husband and my family very badly.  I was shocked and angry for a long time and struggled with bitterness.  I could not speak of them without being bitter.  I tried to forgive them but just couldn't.  Every time I went to confession, I would tell my priest about not being able to forgive and it got to the point where he told me, "Jeanne, you've got to let this go!"  I knew he was right, but I didn't know how.

After three years like this, I went to a service for Divine Mercy Sunday.  I had never been to it before, but a friend had told it was wonderful.  The priest gave a convicting homily that was all about forgiving others and dying to self.  As I listened to him, I knew I could no longer carry this burden of hurt, anger and bitterness.  After the homily, the priest gave healing blessings to anyone who wanted them.  I am not very good at visualizing, but I decided that when the priest touched my head for the blessing, I would picture myself giving it all to Jesus.  So when he blessed me, I pictured handing Jesus a huge box.  Once it was gone, I could see and feel the flame of the Holy Spirit within me.  I had almost let it be snuffed out by my negative feelings and unforgiveness.  Afterwards I went to confession and was able to confess my sin for the very last time!  That was such a freeing feeling!

I realized that, honestly, it didn't matter if they hurt me.  Any hurt I suffered was much less than the hurt that Jesus carried for all our sins.  For so long, I just wanted them to acknowledge that they hurt me instead of acting like I should have been all right with what they did.  I realized that this too, was a form of pride.  John the Baptist said, "He must become greater; I must become less" (John 3:30). Instead of asking, "Why did this happen to me?",  it would have been better to ask, "Why not me?" and embrace the cross I had been asked to carry.

We say it every time we recite the Our Father: "Lord, forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."  If we do not forgive others, we ourselves cannot be forgiven, as Jesus clearly demonstrated in his parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18.  This is the answer to Peter's question of how many times we should forgive someone who sins against us.  He tells of a king who forgave his servant's large debt.  Immediately the servant went and demanded repayment from someone who owed him money, and when the man couldn't pay, he had him thrown in jail.  Others told the king what happened, and the king said, "Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?" and then turned him over to be tortured.  Jesus ends by saying, "This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."

Studying the lives of the saints can help with this as well.  The Curé of Ars, Jean-Marie Vianney, who almost certainly had dyslexia, had a lot of trouble learning French, and then Latin.  One day, when Mathias, another student, was tutoring him, Mathias lost his temper because of Jean's slowness and slapped him in front of all the other students.  Did Jean get hurt and offended and say, "Why did he treat me that way?  I am trying my hardest!"  No, he knelt on the floor and begged for forgiveness for trying his patience.  Mathias started sobbing, and ran out of the room saying that Jean would never know what he had taught him.  Jean was puzzled until another student said that he had taught them humility.  After that, Jean and Mathias were very good friends.

I thought of another story, this one about St. Philip Neri.  He was being tormented by two runaway monks who were supposed to help him serve the Mass.  An older priest advised him, "This is the sacrifice Christ demands of us.  There are two lives a man can give up to the Christ - the life of the body and the life of his good name.  Sometimes it is harder to give up the second than the first.  Let us freely offer our happiness and reputation to the good Lord.  Let us welcome this suffering.  In the end truth will prevail."  

The story continues with, "It was a daily death, a daily martyrdom.  Never once to murmur or complain, never once to yield to a feeling of anger, never once to cry out against the abominable scurrilities that were heaped upon him - this taxed Philip's patience to the utmost."  Whenever they were tormenting him, he would think of Christ being beaten and spit upon.  After two years, both monks saw the error of their ways, asked Philip for forgiveness, confessed their sins and returned to their orders.  Eventually, even the priest who had hired the monks to torment him publicly confessed his sin and asked for forgiveness.

So, the question is, how should I react when people hurt me?  I can only look to the example of Christ and the saints and heed His words.  Forgive them, love them, pray for them, and be humble instead of puffing myself up. Remember not to pray as the Pharisee did: "Lord, I thank you that I am not like them."  Don't try to forgive them in my own strength, but instead ask Jesus for His help.  He has had lots of practice at it.