Feb. 24, 2008 - The Hardest Thing I've Ever Done
I was reading one book in my giant stack of books this last week, "Every Woman's Marriage." I enjoyed some of it, not a lot applied to my situation, but I always find it worth trying to improve myself, my marriage and being a mother a laudable goal in life.
She mentioned something, I should look it up for an exact quote. Oh, well, couldn't find it. But it is most people assume they get married to live happily ever after. But we get married to glorify God and exemplify Jesus' relationship with the church. Not that we can't be happy, and we strive towards that, but you don't just get married and boom, life is a peach.
It's hard to put my thoughts into words on this, but most people are naturally incredibly selfish. We're single, with little responsbility, and marriage puts things into a whole other perspective. And for most people, children come along soon enough, and your plate is fuller than you'd ever imagined, and there's a selfish monster that can roar up inside you, wanting more of this or that than what life is currently offering you.
It is hard to give yourself to another person in marriage, and to make it happen daily takes an incredible amount of selflessness, charity, kindness, love, patience, and on the list goes.
I never realized how deficient my life was of these things until I got married. The first years before kids were a struggle adjusting to not have my every whim satisfied, and since having five children, my needs are pretty low on the list of things to get done. Of course we need a certain amount of maintenance to function for our family proper, but there can be a certain amount of longing for things that are no longer profitable.
Just as an example, please stick with me here. Don't zone out. We've heard these verses so many times they can become little more than words.
Love is patient, love is kind. Being truly loving means not getting frustrated and snappy with my husband when we're late for the Nth time because his exercise time ran over and we're late for the movie (yes, it happened again tonight). Kind to my kids when they are banging and my head is ringing. Is it so hard to ask them nicely to stop instead of shouting?
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. Yes, the Joneses seem so happy at church, and we wonder why our family can't be more like that. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Be pleased and thankful with your family.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. So I can't keep reminding my husband of that time when...? I shouldn't snap at him when he's watching his fourth soccer game this day and I'm feeling lonely? Why be rude, when I can kindly ask him if he'd like to spend some time with me?
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. I need to always hope in my Lord to sanctify me and my relationship with my kids and husband, to protect them by keeping a safe, clean home, persevering with my 14th load of dirty laundry this week, to bless them.
I have seen some of this in a new light this week, a revelation of sorts. I am daily giving of so many things in life, and in the past, I have been somewhat resentful at times of not getting what I wanted. It was, and is, so difficult to give up all thought of self-gain, and truly sacrifice yourself to Christ. But whatever you give Him, He will return a hundredfold.
I notice that the more I give, the easier it becomes. I know it will never be simple to stop what I want and just give it up, but with time, and the Lord's guidance, I'm finding it more comfortable.
I feel like I've just babbled for a page and a half. It's very hard to express where I am in my walk with the Lord. I don't think you'd point me out in the street and say, look at that incredibly selfish woman over there! My husband thinks I'm wonderfully submissive and a good woman, and I don't say that to puff myself up, but outward appearances are not always what they appear. I do what is right, but often enough with a pouty heart.
The time is getting quicker though for forgiveness. When we were first married I could be angry with my husband for weeks at some slight. Tonight when he was extremely late for our date, I decided, I can either ruin my night, or just give my frustration to the Lord, and enjoy the rest of the evening. I can make him feel bad for spoiling everything, or start from this point fresh. It took about a minute of deciding, but after I make the choice, and it is a choice, to erase the past and begin again, such a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Why hold onto anger and petty grievances?
I thank you for reading if you've gotten this far, this has been long. The hardest thing I've ever done has been getting married and sticking with the struggles, and achieving the most difficult of tasks, the laying down of myself to give to others. I know I will continue to grow daily in this. I am such a sinner and thank God He takes the time to give me challenges and grief in life in order for me to come out cleaner in the refiner's fire.
And through the fire I have been lately. Thank you, God, for purifying me.
Comments
Mar. 9, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Patiecake
I loved your post about getting married to glorify God. If we really did get married to live happily ever-after, many of us have not met those expectations. I really liked that. Take care
