CyberScryber's Scrybes
• Jan. 31, 2006 - As Promised
An
explanation as to what's been going on with older DD (17.5) and why I've not
been posting much. Basically all my spare time and energy have been going into
finding her. She ran off with her boyfriend (Shawn) Nov 2nd and is still gone
and not contacting us (please see www.findamber.com). Shawn denies knowing
where she is to us and to the police. We know he's lying because A) if he
didn't he'd be at our house asking us where she is, B) they were regularly
calling my sister on his cell phone after Nov 2nd and putting her on speaker
phone and talking to her together, telling her about all the partying they were
doing C) Chris (40 something mom of teens who we knew was a bit teched but who
we thought was harmless) admitted to me when I confronted her to having not only
known what was going on but also that Shawn brought Amber to her house and they
all visited numerous times after Nov 2nd, and a couple of those times she took
Amber to Fred Meyers and D) Ted (Amber's uncle) saw Chris and Amber together at
Fred Meyers one of those times. E) The only outgoing phone calls on her cell
phone were to Shawn, and I had the house phone in my room so I would have known
if she had called him on it, and she didn't.
According to my sister,
Cathi, Shawn's uncle is buying them alcohol whenever they want it, which is
quite frequently. They were calling Cathi every couple of days, and almost
every time she spoke with them, they were drunk, getting drunk or hung-over. We
also have a strong suspicion that other drugs are involved, as they thought it
was funny that their "roommate's" cat got "stoned".
My
mom and sister thing that Shawn is abusive and is controlling Amber because A)
abusive people isolate their victims from their family and friends. Of course
the biggy here is that she is no longer in contact with us. Also, Amber never
once called Cathi by herself, and never once was she "allowed" to talk to Cathi
privately, they were always on speaker phone. Everything Amber said, she said
in a gaurded manner. When Cathi tried to convince Amber to call us, Shawn would
claim they had a bad connection and hang up the phone. When Cathi got more
insistent, the calls quit coming. B) Abusers make their victims powerless.
Money is power, a vehicle is power, a job is power. They ran off just when
Amber started working in our office and was making some money, and right as we
were in the process of getting the Jeep we bought for her licensed for her to
drive herself around in. C) Abusers generally are possesive. Right before she
left, one of our employees got interested in Amber and I know she was flattered
by it because she was talking to me about it. I imagine that if Shawn were
possessive, all that could have been too much for him to handle. He would've
probably been afraid he would lose her so figured he'd better get her away as
quick as he could. I never thought of him as abusive, manipulative definitely,
but not sure about abusive. I do know he has a tendency to get verbally
snappish and short with her. When it happened at our house once I was on the
verge of asking him to leave when his best friend told him he was being "harsh"
on Amber. That seemed to stop him for the time being. Another time he got like
that Amber actually wrote to one of her friends about it, so yeah, I don't know
how bad it is.
We know that Amber is at fault here too, there's no
doubt about that. Bless her little heart, she's never been one of those quiet,
easy going, compliant kids. She's always had a temper, and she's been known to
make false allegations of terrible things that poeple do to her, and we are sure
she has done some of that in order to get what she wants right now. But
without Shawn egging her on, I really don't think she would have gone down this
road.
The bottom line is that Amber and Shawn had to
rationalize her running away, and the only way they could do that was to make us
out to be horrible people/parents. In reality, as well has
having hooked up with an abusive, toxic person Amber just wants to do what she
wants to do, which is basically to run wild, be with her so called friends (who
are really Shawn's friends) have sex, drink alcohol, and not have to do any
chores or be accountable to anyone for her education or anything else for that
matter. She'll be learning the hard way that she will always have to answer to
someone, no matter where she goes or what she does. I'm sure she would have
gone wild as soon as she turned 18 (5 months from now) and/or moved out and I
know some kids go through a really wild phase, and most grow out of it. I was
one of those kids myself. But, it's the fact that she and/or Shawn wanted to
alienate Amber from her family that has us worried.
The "experts" say you
need to get to know all your kid's friends in case something like this happens.
I'm here to tell you from experience that it takes more than just "knowing" and
talking to your kid's friends and finding out where they live.
The
moral of this story is: if your kid brings home a kid and you have a bad or
strange feeling about that kid, listen to that feeling. Don't worry about
being "unChristian" or prejudiced. Don't try to be "nice". This is your kid
you're talking about, and the health of your family comes before their friends
or any kind of political correctness. Check that quesitonable kid out as quick
as possible, before your kid has a chance to bond to them. Be honest and let
your kid know you don't like the kid he brought home for whatever reason, even
if it's just a gut feeling. Don't be afraid to ban certain kids from your home,
or even from your kids, but be sure to do it early, before a bond is made.
Trust your instincts. Don't buy into that "you can't pick your kid's
friends for them" new age parenting line. Sure they're going to gravitate
towards kids that are like them, and no matter how well you raise them, some
kids just have to go down that party road, but don't make it easy for them to do
that. Don't let the enemy in. It's your house, and your life too, and when you
are there, you have a right to be respected and the right to toss someone out
who is disrespectful (unless it's your own kid of course). So what if you make
a mistake and the other kid turns out be okay. No big deal. There are plenty
of good people for your kid to be friends with. If you feel bad for some poor
waif your kid drags home, by all means get that waif the help it needs, but do
not allow your kid to make a bond with anyone of questionable character.
It makes me feel a little better
to scream from the rooftops. I'll be distributing the poster that you see on www.findamber.com to a lot of people and
places. Hopefully we'll get some more leads on our daughter. People can call
me crazy, but it helps to be active and to feel like I'm doing everything
posible to find her.
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• Mar. 27, 2006 - Untitled Comment