Usually I am all for smooth roads, figuring that they make for easy paths, whether I’m driving our green GMC Safari or just myself crazy. And, admittedly, this month has not been our month for smooth roads. There have been quite a few bumps…the one on the front of my being that HELLO COULD BE BORN ANY DAY NOW AND WHY DON’T YOU HURRY IT UP I HAVE OTHER THINGS TO COMPLAIN ABOUT!!!, the fact that we have 17 more days to find a place to move, finish packing up our house, and move there, and the continual search for the church where God would have Ethan serve. Not helping this is my inability to do anything (or, OK, perhaps it is “my choice” to do nothing – but if I put it in that light, I will have to deal with my attitude and how even in this God is sovereign and I am being a whiner and choosing not to glorify Him – let’s just stick with “inability”) but dwell obsessively on my desire to be rid of this huge, morphing, heartburn-inducing, varicose-vein throbbing mass inside of me (oh, and um, I love you, little one).

But when I ASK for there to be bumps in the road – say, when I purchase a half-gallon of ice cream that loudly advertises its bumps with the screaming title “Rocky Road” and large sliced almonds enticing me on its label – well, there better be some bumps.

But in a strange all-too-exasperatingly-familiar twist of fate, the half-gallon we purchased Tuesday night has not one bit of almond in it. Excuse me? ROCKY Road? Where’s the doggone ROCKS? I hate smooth ice cream!

When you can’t even console yourself with the time-honored balm of Breyers, something is terribly wrong. And not only is something wrong, there is no telephone number on the carton for me to call to inform them that something is wrong. I have to FINISH the ice cream, cut out the UPC code, and mail that with the code on the bottom to such-and-such an address.

In the frenzy of packing and tossing, I am sure we will lose some things. Probably a priceless heirloom, more surely my wallet, and definitely the van key.

But I will NOT lose that UPC code and carton bottom. They will be hearing from me. And they will either send me a coupon for a new half-gallon or choose to rename their ice cream. Something like, “Freshly Paved Asphalt, with Lactose.”