May. 29, 2007
More about me....
This post is going to be really hard to write, but I feel it's time. What I'm about to write about it not something that I talk about very often and I definitely do not discuss when I first meet people, but I grown to consider you guys my friends and so I feel the need to talk about it.
Many years ago (when I was 20), I feel in love with Mr. So Wrong. I kept believing the lie that if maybe I loved him enough, he could change. I felt sorry for him because he had been abused and grew up with an alcoholic father. I knew he even had some mental issues, I thought he just needed help and he could get better, he just needed to be loved. I eventually married this man. Life was horrible. He was very abusive, he lied to me, cheated on me, couldn't and wouldn't keep a job. He also had two daughters from a previous relationship that I believe he was abusing. The oldest said as much. She was 5 at the time and he told her if she continued to say this, he would go to jail. She retracted her story. I had my oldest child and the abuse continued. I took a hard look at my live and asked myself, "what if my son became like his father?", I was horrified at the thought. I realized if I didn't get my baby away from him, he too would be abused. I left my ex- husband when my oldest son was 7 months old. He continued to visit with my son for awhile. Luckily, he only had him for a few hours on Sunday afternoon. I don't know if I could have survived him having overnight visitation. He stopped showing up for visitation when my son was 22 months old. When my son was about to turn 4, I started to date hubby. We got married right before my son's 5th birthday. Because my Ex had not had any contact with my son for over a year (actually 3 years at this point), my husband was able to adopt my son. In our county you have to wait a year before the adoption in final. That year was filled with stress and nightmares. I was so scared something would go wrong or my Ex would show up and spread lies to try to screw it up. Thank God, it all went well. The courts first sent letters to his last known address (his parent's home) , the letters came back "addressee unknown". Then they put an ad in the newspaper, this too when unanswered (of course it didn't hurt that it was a court newspaper that noone but lawyers read!). Finally, right before my son turned 6 the adoption was final. I can't say everything has gone smoothly, my hubby had no idea what he was in for!!! But I am so thankful that my son has a real daddy now.
As for my Ex, he's been up to his same old stuff. I sometimes look at the public records, partly for morbid curiousity, partly because this guy may someday be in my son's life and I want to know what all was going on with him. Apparently, he was charged shortly after he broke contact with my son for "gross imposition with a minor under 13", (the charges were dropped for insuficient evidence), the mother of his daughters filed for a restraining order soon after he was charged, he has remarried and divorced again, he lost a house (he was really bad at keeping a job and had a habit of living off of other people), and he had charges brought against him for domestic violence by yet another woman (these were dropped also). I am so glad that this man has no part of my son's life. Instead of using the last 10 years to clean up his life, he has continued to destroy other people's lives. I hate that someday my son will probably meet him. So far this man has damaged almost everybody that enters his life. I really hope my son is strong enough when he does meet his biological father that he will not believe his lies. My son still asks about his biological father, I think it really bothers him that he was abandoned by him. I just pray that somehow my little boy can find peace with all of this.
Thank you for "listening".
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Comments
May. 29, 2007 - Thanks for sharing...
 Posted by Jazzymom
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...and for visiting my blog. It is encouraging for me to read of other "survivors". It's nice to see that there is life after divorce.
I'm glad you got out of that situation when you did!
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May. 29, 2007 - How wonderful to share your story.
 Posted by proverbsmomof3
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Stepping out in faith and sharing your story will be encouraging to others who may be in similar situations. I'm sure that your son will be fine if he ever has to deal with meeting his biological father. You and your husband are surrounding him with love and equipping him with the tools of your faith. Remember Isaiah 54 and stand on that 'no weapons forged against you will prevail'. Have a blessed week.
Ginny
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May. 29, 2007 - Thank you, Lynn
 Posted by jenn4him
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That must have been hard for you to post. I am so thankful that the Lord has protected you and your son. I don't want to think about what it would be like if he were in your lives now. And what a blessing that your son has a real father now. May God bless and protect that relationship.
Jenn
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May. 29, 2007 - Untitled Comment
 Posted by Canadagirl
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Thank you for sharing that must have been hard. I am thankful you and your son have a good and loving home now. The Lord has taken care of you. PTL
God Bless my SSiC
In HIm<><
-Mary
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May. 29, 2007 - I can listen anytime
 Posted by RienzoFamily
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I was once married to an abusive man as well. He has recently tried to come back into my life - because I finally became bold enough to come out of hiding. I won't live my life like that anymore. He's actually been respectful and has kept his distance, so who knows ... maybe he has changed. We can only hope. Be strong ... be courageous!
BFS,
Alice
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May. 29, 2007 - Thank you
 Posted by Kinley
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Your honesty is refreshing and I have no doubt you'll be an encouragement to others who've had similiar problems/situations. God can heal anything, what a blessing. Thank you again for the other area you've helped me in. I appreciate it.
Kristy
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May. 29, 2007 - Untitled Comment
 Posted by withHim4ever
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Blessed is He who turns our ashes into beauty! Thank you for sharing your precious pearls with us! I am so glad to know more of you. I am also very glad to hear your little boy is not growing up with a daddy. May you be blessed beyond what you can think today
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May. 29, 2007 - Hi Lynn
 Posted by jugglingpaynes
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I am glad you and your son were able to get out of a bad situation. How sad that this man has chosen such a destructive path.
You can always feel secure that I will be there to listen whenever you need me. That's what friends are for. :o)
Peace and Laughter,
Cristina
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May. 29, 2007 - Untitled Comment
 Posted by 2peter318
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That had to have so hard to write. What a testimony with how you have moved on with your and your kids lives. I pray that the Lord's healing will continue to be on you and your family. :)
JoAnn
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May. 29, 2007 - Untitled Comment
 Posted by Tiany
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We all have a past dont we? Some not so perfect but God has a perfect plan for us and will turn around even the worst situations for our good! PTL
Thank you for sharing your heart with us!! Praying for your little one to have a peace about his father that passes all understanding!
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May. 30, 2007 - Dear Lynn,
 Posted by MOMflippedisWOW
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Bless you for being so strong! I, unfortunately, know exactly what you are going through as I had an abusive first husband, too. Please keep strong for you know this monster may come back and your son will need your strength. I wish I had words of comfort. I know for my daughter (and she knows) that she will never be completely safe till her bio-father passes away. But our Father in Heaven is strong and kind so I will keep you and your son in my prayers as I pray for the Lord to continue to protect my daughter. It's important that your son learns as he ages, that he isn't like his bio-father. That's a hard line to teach a child.
My daughter's father is a manic depressive. There's a line of them through his family as it turns out. My daughter recognizes the 'temper' traits and we have discussed ways to avoid promoting it's active growth in her. Genectics is only a factor, not a controlling issue. ie: My mom has diabetes, so did her mom: This means I carry the disposition, not the illness.
I never needed to tell my daughter about her father. He demonstrated that all by himself. All I can suggest is my lawyer's and mother's advice, and never say anything nasty. Keep it factual. harsh as it may be. In your case, I'd recommend printing out all police reports, internet news reports (that's how we found out about my ex's strange behavior in Key West where he was arrested.) and any other factual information about who this man is, good and bad.
Keep it in a private file till your son is old enough to handle it. Answer his questions as cleanly and as neatly as you can without ever lying even in the slightest. (What I call soft-soaping it.)
I truly respect you for being a strong woman and mother. I worked 911 for much of my life and most of my real calls were from women in this situation that wouldn't get out of it. My bosses told me that most women chose to stay as they find leaving it harder.
Bless you my friend. I'm glad the Lord blessed you and your son with a great spouse and father.
I apologize for the ramble, and I will most certainly be keeping you all in my prayers,
Vicki
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May. 30, 2007 - From Fringey
Posted by Anonymous
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Look how many lives you blessed by sharing this...and these are only the ones that posted. God is good-He restores what he did not take away..I was so blessed to see so many references to your dh as the real father- we have an adopted daughter, the one who loves our children are the real parents. I was young once and now I have 2 daughters to pray for...thank you for sharing..by the by- love el shaddai, had it sung at our wedding...thank you for posting the words...will pray for your sons...
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May. 30, 2007 - Me, too.
 Posted by LizzieBee
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Your situation is so very similar to mine. So similar I don't need to detail it. My son, who was adopted by my husband when he was 8, kept yearning and yearning to see his bio dad. When he was 14 we let them meet. BIGGEST mistake of my life (next to marrying that man). I won't go into details, but I urge you not to let your son see his bio dad until the age of 18. This is one thing that I really agree with Dr. Laura on (I listened to her radio show a few times and this same situation came up). BTW, thanks for visiting my blog.
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May. 30, 2007 - Untitled Comment
 Posted by PumpkinsMomma
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OH Hugs!!!!
I'm so sorry for all that pain that you had to go through! I am that your son may be disappointed by his father if he ever meets him...You have a wonderful family now though and God is taking care of you both with your wonderful hubby.... And if God chooses, he CAN save your ex!
Thanks for sharing with us! I'll be praying for all of you.
marie
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May. 30, 2007 - If and when
 Posted by semimom
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that day ever comes and he is going to be a part of your son's life, do your best to never talk bad about him to your son, but remain honest if your asked questions. One day when your son grows up, he will have to make up his own mind about his father- you don't want him to grow up to hate you for bad mouthing his Dad. You never know what kind of crap he might put into his head, so stay true to yourself and to your son. I went through this as a kid too, my parents were divorced. My mother kept her mouth shut in front of me about my dad and let me grow up to make my own decisions about him. I am thankful for that now. I know who my parents are through and through. Things will work out- don't be scared, be supportive for your son.
http://momtoanangel.blogspot.com
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May. 30, 2007 - Untitled Comment
 Posted by hugs4Him
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I'm so sorry. I guess the only thing to do in that situation is pray for him.
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Jun. 2, 2007 - Untitled Comment
 Posted by DanielleW
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Praying for you and your son. I too was abandonded by my biological father and also I am dealing with my son and an abscent father.
The key to this is you. He will take his clues from you and how you feel about it.
(((Hugs)))
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