I presented the ideas found in the book Praying in Color by Sybil MacBeth. I am posting the text that I gave at the Women's Ministry Breakfast at Grace Community Church in Angier, NC.

Hi!

I haven't written in over four months. Linda's passing affected me deeply and I didn't have anything to say. As my dad says, "I've used all my words." While her death has made me sad because I don't get to see her and speak to her, I am so excited that she is in heaven, talking to Jesus. It also affected me on another level, though.

My deepest sadness when I think about my own mortality is how it will affect my children. Even as I type, my eyes fill with tears when I think of being apart from them. I watched Linda's children at the funeral service and the gravesite and all I could think of was how my children would be handling this situation. Linda's children are adults, yes, but I couldn't help but think about my own children. It made my heart hurt to think they may have to sit in the front of the church while I am eulogized, but also reminded me how important every day that I am given is to the lives of my five children. I do miss you, Linda.

Three years ago today, I was given the news that I had an inoperable brain tumor. Two days prior, I had gotten an MRI because I was incredibly tired, I was having trouble signing my name, dragging my left foot when I walked and having a terrible pain in my head when I bent over. I had gone to the emergency room at Rex Hospital at the insistance of the radiology technician who had read my scan. He wouldn't say what the problem was exactly, just that I needed to go to the emergency room, immediately.

I was transferred by ambulance early in the morning to Duke University Hospital because the neurologists at Rex didn't have the capacity to deal with my case. I needed to be seen by one of the best neurology oncologists in the world. That made me scared. I had a 10 week old baby and four other children waiting for me at home. I was a nursing mom. I had a lot of wonderful work in front of me. This just couldn't be the end of the road here on earth.

I was diagnosed with a low-grade glioma lodged in my brain stem. Talk about deer in the headlights! In a moment that brought great clarity, my neurosurgeon said, "We're dealing with shadows here. We really don't know how dangerous the tumor is." This is the same neurosurgeon who removed the brain tumor from Edward Kennedy a few months ago.

The immediate concern was the swelling around the tumor. My symptoms were largely a result of that swelling and a stroke was a clear and present danger. I got on a super high dose of steroids and a 30-day round of radiation. The swelling went down and the tumor did not grow.

Now, it's been three years. The tumor has not grown but neither has it shrunk. I have lost some hearing and my eyesight has declined. I am constantly dizzy, like I just got off the Tilt-a-Whirl, all day. I could go back to bed for the day by 10am. And I am constantly fighting emotions that seem to be one step ahead of my thoughts and words.

Even so, it is well with my soul. Now that I am in the thick of living with these restrictions and shortcomings, I often question God. Three years ago, it was clear to me. God is in control and He loves me more than I can imagine. He loves my children more than I do. He has a plan for me and it is perfect. All of those things are still true. They have not changed one little bit.

What did change were my assumptions and expectations of what my life would be like as I grew older. I often get stuck in this vortex of wanting to wring every last bit of life out of every day and being so tired that I can't finish a sentence without stuttering. It's aggravating, and tiring.

So what can I do? Bring it to the Lord in prayer. That is my recourse. It isn't a magic wand that waves itself over my life and makes everything shiny and perfect. Sometimes, He changes my circumstances, sometimes He gives me a different perspective. In either case, He shows me He loves me so much. I don't go to the Lord every time, but I know I should. Sometimes, my sadness and fear takes me far from the arms of my Creator. But, when I finally bring the burden of this tumor to Him, He always answers with love and grace.

Thank you, Lord, for giving me more days than I was told to expect. Thank you for walking next to me every step of this experience. Thank you for loving us. Thank you for reminding me that You have it all under control and nothing takes You by surprise. I love you, Lord.

Joyfully,

Elyse

Hi!

March already! I have had a few people encourage me, in a nice way, to please update my blog more often. This problem has plagued me since I started this endeavor. I am a good planner, but my follow through is so lacking. Please have mercy on me for that!

I am a writer, though, and my one explanation for taking so much time is that I need to hear the muse before I feel comfortable writing anything. The muse could rightly be called inspiration of the Holy Spirit.

So, here goes: I had my regularly scheduled MRI in the beginning of February. I was driven in style to the MRI office by two of my friends and compatriots in homeschooling and mothering. Jeanne, Cyndi and I then treated ourselves to dinner. Hey, it may be a little unorthodox to use an MRI appointment as an excuse for a mom's night out, but, if you have children, you know you'll take whatever you can get!

The next day Craig and I went for my neurology appointment. The dr. said that the tumor had not changed and since there had not been a change since October, he didn't think chemo would be helpful. Yeah! I don't need to make a decision! I am glad I don't need chemo right now. God deserves the credit for that victory!

I do need to have my wisdom teeth removed along with another bad one. Since my teeth were jostled around when the tumor swelled, they have been cracking and breaking. I hate to have to deal with it at all but they are giving me ogada (sp?) so out they go! But it's a process to get the oral surgeon to talk with the radiologist and make decisions about the procedure, etc. AH!

My pastor's dear wife is declining in health. She is home but sleeps all the time. She has been asleep for two days without waking to eat or anything else. Pastor Brad called it a coma. There doesn't seem any other outcome now but that she will soon be home with her Creator, God. Of course, God could choose to raise her up and restore her health.

Lazarus, the centurion's son, Jesus himself escaped from the grasp of death. It is not that God is not able, it is that He has a bigger perspective than I do. It is a hard way, but I trust that love and capability even when it brings me sadness, great sadness. God loves Linda and Brad so much.

It sounds cliche but if she dies, she goes to a place so much better than here. A place where there is no death, no sorrow, no separation. And, in just a twinkling of an eye, we'll be there too. Not a place where we sit on a cloud and play harps all day. A place where there is no sin! No hatred! No corruption! The best way I can describe what I think heaven will be like is that it will be just like living on earth, but only the best parts of it. The love, the joy, the friendships, the sunsets, sunrises. Trees bursting forth with flowers. The smell of the air is so sweet and it never gets old. Never to have to leave the ones we love so much. And best of all, to be in the presence of the One who knows me so well and loves me so much. To be with the One who created me. I want everyone I love to be there with me.

I love a lot of people. Many, I know, I will see in Paradise. But there are others about whom I am not sure. Please, please figure out if you know where you're going when the inevitable appoinment with death comes. A year ago, Linda could never have imagined she would be sleeping all day in a hospital bed as her loving husband stokes her forehead and tells her he loves her. I don't want to seem too preachy, but I am just pulled asunder by these events. I love you too much to lose you eternally.

I just got a phone call that Linda went home to be with Jesus this morning. I am so thankful I got to tell her I love her yesterday. It'll be just a moment before I get to see her again; this time in perfect paradise.

Joyfully,

Elyse

Here is what I have written to say to my church family at Grace Community Church tomorrow as we light the third candle of advent.

Hi All,

I have been getting steadily dizzier over the past few weeks and I have begin getting headaches that were increasing in severity. The ibuprofen wasn't really working either. While I was at the supermarket two weeks ago I finally became overwhelmed with the dizziness. It was time to go to the hospital. Off we went.

A dose of morphine and a CAT scan later, we were on our way home. I would come back again for an MRI and then again for a consult with the neurologist. They could find no swelling and no bleeding in the ER, which was good. But the symptoms suggested something going on.

The MRI showed no remarkable change in the tumor. But, because it occupies 80% of the space in my brain stem, any small movement will affect my ability to function. The doctors have to go on my symptoms because the MRI doesn't really catch the incredibly fine changes in the tumor. They did say there may be more "flares" coming off the tumor which would indicate a change in the activity level or the grade of the tumor. Meaning, it may not be growing but it may be changing composition and becoming cancerous.

The suggested treament is Temador, chemotherapy. I am currently on steroids to see if that helps my dizziness and headaches. I have up to a month to decide if I want to take this route. I am also drinking lots of carrot juice to support my immune system.

I don't know how I feel right now. Sad? Angry? Frustrated? I am dizzy like when you get off a spinning ride at a carnival, all the time. I've gone from forever buzzed to drunk. My headaches come more often and are more painful than they have been and the ibuprofen doesn't always get it done. I've had to stop drinking sweet tea. Am I whining or what?

I am feeling down and sorry for myself. I know it is just temporary. I don't want to have to think about going blind or losing even more abilities. BUT GOD. He is still in control and I will not be afraid. He will never lead me where His grace cannot keep me. His hand is in this even though I cannot see it right now. Let's watch together and see what miraculous things God will do.

Looking for joy in the storm,

Elyse

A few weeks ago a family in out church found out their 13 month old daughter had a brain tumor. We know the family fairly well since we've been in the same small group for almost a year. The tumor was a quarter of the size of her brain. They operated on it and removed all of it. But, she has been in a coma since the operation and there is no medical reason the doctors can see that she is in the coma. She looks like she is just sleeping, like you could shake her and she would open her eyes and smile and all would be right with the world. That hasn't happened yet and she has been dealing with infections from the surgery and the toll the tumor has taken on her. She is deep in the woods still.

A normal first reaction is to get angry. Why this little girl? She hasn't lived long enough to make any mistakes. She hasn't eaten a poor diet. She hasn't experienced so many things. Why her? It just isn't fair, is it. Why does her mother have to sit by her hospital bed day in and day out and wonder if she's going to come home. If she does come home will she be bedridden until her death? Will she be brain damaged? How long? How can God let this happen?

I don't know the answer. The question is inevitable because God is supposed to be in control of everything. If He's a loving God, how can He allow such misery, such sadness, such loss? I don't know how He does it. The only answer I have is that He is a loving God even when we can't see that love. Little Cali's life rests in the palm of His hand whether I agree with what He is doing or not. My life rests in the same loving palm. I have to remind myself that He sees the picture of this life in the biggest possible terms. He sees all sorts of things that I could never see. He has a reason. And it might make me mad, pound my fists into my pillow before I go to sleep. But, in the end I know that He will work all things together for the good to those who are the called, to those who love Him. That doesn't mean that everything that happens will be good. It means that He weaves the good and bad into something that He calls good.

What is happening with my dear friends, the Moody family, is not good. It isn't good no matter how you twist and turn it and try to make it shine. That dog won't hunt. I am praying that God will take this awful thing and work it out so that He can call it good. And I know He will.

I know that because He has never failed me yet, and there have been lots of times when He could have walked away from me. Things happen to me every day that are not good but I want Him to have so much influence in my life that those things that are bad, awful, embarassing can be made good in His eyes.

I pray that God would be glorified through Cali's illness. If I didn't know that God is still in control, there would be no reason for hope in this situation. But He is and He will move. I don't know how He will heal Cali. He may choose to heal her completely and in a few years this will only be a very bad memory. He may choose to heal her ultimately and bring her home to Himself. He may do something in between those two choices. He loves us more than we can understand.

So, please pray for a miracle for Cali and her mom and dad, Chad and Sarah, and big sister Bella. If you think God is capricious, a big, bad boogey man who moves us around like pieces on a chess board, I challenge you to test Him. Ask him for a miracle and see what He does. He's a big God and He can handle doubts and skepticism. I can't wait to share what He's done, to praise the work of His hands.

The chorus of one of my favorite songs I sang at Grace the Church on the Mount in NJ is this:

Praise God, on high, all that's wrong will be made right. How we long for the day every wounded soul would be made whole. So let's worship Him with a mighty voice. Like we're already with Him in paradise. Praise God on high. praise God.

I hope to write again soon.

Joyfully,

Elyse

Again, I have waited too long to update. I do have an explanation. My laptop went crazy and I couldn't remember my blog password which was saved on said broken laptop. But enough of my 'splainin let's get down to brass tacks.I am doing pretty well. I am getting a little dizzier over time. I don't drive unless I absolutely have to get behind the wheel and I don't go anywhere where I need to use directions. I have been increasingly annoyed by this and I am happy for the day when I don't have to deal with this. I am in no pain, except the occasional headaches, but I have been limited in what I can do each day. I get tired just getting breakfast every morning feels like a 10 hour waitress shift. So, you can see why I am frustrated by it.

I have a great story. I went to Walmart a few weeks ago to get some very important things. It was a routine trip. I drove there myself and I managed to get through the store without hitting too many things with my cart. I paid with a credit card but I haven't signed the back. So, the cashier asked for my license.

I stop here to let you know I got my license right after I finished radiation and was weaning off the steroids. Let's say I don't look picture ready. I show my license to lots of people to give them an idea of how swollen my face was while on steroids. I look like a dowager from the old country and that is being kind.The cashier looked at the picture and then at me, the picture and then at me. I started to smile because I knew what her next question would be. “Is that you?”

I guess it looks enough like me, which I am not sure is a compliment. So, I went into my story about why I look like I just ate a dozen sausages. I almost got to the part where I say I want to get a new license but she started praising God. In the Walmart! She said she had bumps up and down her arms. We shared a brief moment of sweet fellowship. We thanked God for His sovereignty. I left the store reminded that God is awesome and worthy of every bit of praise that ever falls from my lips.

I have decided not to change my license picture. It is a reminder of God’s goodness that I can touch and see. And, it is as powerful as any tract that I could pass out. How effective it is to have that license to carry in my wallet. Thank you, Lord for the bad picture on my license! God is so faithful!

I need that reminder because I am, daily, frustrated and aggravated with these limitations. I want to run a 5K and I can barely get to the mailbox (I don’t run, ever, that is just a metaphor). I want to start my scrapbooking minstry. I want to improve our school habits. I want to write for an online journal. I want to tell my testimony to anyone who will listen.

God knows the desires of my heart. My prayer is that I would be able to do His will. I know His will includes some of the ideas He has given me. I just pray I would be able to move forward soon.

Hi!

I have good news and bad news. I always want to hear the bad news first so I'll go there.

The bad news is that I have vestibulo ocular reflex problems and there is nothing that can be done about it, medically. I had to go to a super special ophthalmologist to find this out. I hated doing the eye tests because I knew I wasn't getting all the letters right and I am always embarrassed when I don't accomplish something perfectly. First born syndrome.

So, I will have to learn somehow to accommodate my dizziness. I don't drive except when there is no other option. I can see where I'm going but I can't go anywhere that is unfamiliar to me and I need the car to be relatively calm. I can accomplish the first requirement fairly easily, but the second..... I don't drive at night, except for my monthly book club meeting. I love it so much and I am really careful, too. My angels are on high alert and all has gone well so far.

The good news is that my husband is going to start a new job the first Monday in February! He will be working for the government in Raleigh. I am excited for him and even more excited to be able to praise the Lord for His provision. Yes, I know my husband is very good at all those computer things and he'd be able to find a job with or without God's help. But, we asked God to provide for us by February and He has answered our prayers with a "Yes".

We accepted the offer because we believe that it is God's leading and God's appointment for my husband and for us. He has had His hand on us since the diagnosis. Actually, He's always had His hand on us. Sometimes we didn't realize it, but in our finer moments, we acknowledge His care for us and humbly bow before His majesty.

It is going to be quite a transition for us. I am not sure who is going to have a harder time of it, my husband or the rest of us. He'll have to get up considerably earlier to get to work and that will be difficult for my late night loving husband. I am praying and believing that our children will rise to the higher level of expectation that I will have when I am here without benefit of another adult. I also know many friends who will be there to support and help me get through each day.

This is the will of Go for us and it is good.  I am hoping to develop a scrapbook ministry at my church and even working on it little by very little. School is going pretty well. This year has been our best so far. I know it is the effectual, fervent prayers of lots and lots of loving friends and family. God has ministered to me through you and I am humbled by it.

I find it hard to be on the receiving end of support. I prefer to support others. But this situation has kept me in an uncomfortable place. This too is God's plan and I know He'll make good use of it, for me and for His kingdom.

I am praising Him for His goodness to me. Thanks for joining me in that effort.

Joyfully,

Elyse

Almost every day the thought of writing an update in this blog crawls into my consciousness. But then I think, oh I want to write all good news and maybe I'll be able to write it tomorrow. Tomorrow hasn't come yet and I do have good news so I am not waiting for the perfect day. It's my Type A personality at work with a healthy dose of procrastination thrown in there.

The results of the MRI were good. The tumor is not growing and it hasn't moved (if that's even possible). There are no other tumors either. The blood work also came back with no obvious problems. Praise God for His mercy.

I was diagnosed with an inner ear infection and given a good supply of antibiotics. But, the pills have been taken dutifully and the dizziness is slowly getting worse. I have an appointment with a neuro-opthamalogist next week. I am praying that he can find the source of this problem and know of a way to solve it. But, if he isn't successful, there is still a God in heaven who is sovereign over all of these circumstances and His plans for me give me a future and a hope.

I would love to say my spirits are soaring in the stratosphere but the reality is that  they are bouncing near the ground like a kite that has lost its wind but is desperately looking for where it has gone. I am still fighting with something like depression, though I hesitate to call it something so serious. Holiday blues, maybe?

I do have more, actually so much more, for which I can give thanks. My husband has been sick since we came back from our fall weekend getaway to New Jersey. He was beginning to think he had something more serious than the pneumonia he had been trying to kick. We decided we needed a definitive diagnosis, whatever it may be, and spent a lovely Saturday night at WakeMed emergency room. He was diagnosed with a hiatal hernia. Now he knows that there is something affecting his health but it is manageable with careful eating habits and exercise. That is a huge praise to the Lord because I was having a increasingly difficult time coping with my own problems and his also. Thank You, Lord.

I've been participating in our women's Bible study at church. We are doing Beth Moore's study on Daniel. A few weeks ago we studied the passage about the Israelites in the fiery furnace. Beth pointed out that there are three ways that God chooses to deliver us from the fiery furnace. He may deliver us from the furnace all together whic increases our faith. He may deliver us through the fiery furnace and that refines our faith. He may choose to deliver us using the fire into His arms in heaven and that perfects our faith. We all want the first thing to happen. That's natural.

I think I am going through the second choice. I can see the flames and I can smell the smoke as it swirls around me. The cool thing was that Jesus stepped into that furnace with them. He was closer to them than He had ever been before. What an answer to prayer! To have the Prince of Peace, Almighty God standing nect to the, And I don't think they just looked at each other. I bet they talked. 

Lord, I ask that you would let me see, every day, that you are standing next to me. The sound of the flames hiss in my ears. The heat is intense but it hasn't touched me, and it won't. Lord refine my faith. Make me more like You and show me how to proclaim your glory everywhere I go.

I love every comment I get. My email is elfenerty@yahoo.com if you want to talk privately, too.

Joyfully,

Elyse

Barely a month has gone by and I'm back!

I have been experiencing increased dizziness accompanied by vision problems while I am reading, which I do a lot. After almost a week of the dizziness getting worse, we called the Brain Tumor Center and the neurologist prescribed 4mg of steroids a day. After 5 days on the steroids and no relief I have been scheduled for an MRI, tonight, at Duke Hospital.

This attack has gotten right to the core of me. My physician thinks these problems are tumor related, though he doesn't think it is because the tumor is growing. I am scared as I have not been before. I am praying for that peace that has been my close companion for the past year and it seems to be eluding me. Perfect love casts out all fear and I stand assured, knowing my heavenly Father loves me with a perfect love.

Here is what I fear. I write it down as a way of exposing the boogeyman. He isn't all that scary in the light, you know. I am afriad the tumor is growing and I will have to be admitted to the hospital. The tumor is growing and there is nothing they can do about it. There is another tumor growing somewhere. All of this is worst case scenario. Of course I could also find out that the tumor is gone and the dizziness is just a factor of that miracle.

I have hope in one thing, God. He is able to to exceedlingly, abundantly more than I can ask or think.

Thanks for praying.

Joyfully,

Elyse

Is it October already? I was planning on sending out a birthday missive but my birthday was exactly a month ago and I have written nothing!

I turned 38 years old on September 2nd. It was a birthday I was told not to expect to see this side of heaven. God, in His wisdom, has seen fit to let me celebrate another year of blessings and joy. I am deeply thankful that I am still here to see my baby, Lachlan learning to talk, Conlan discovering about World War II, Hannah enjoying the life of Ben Franklin, Aidan learning to read an liking it and Ethan experimenting with pieces of wood to make catapults. Every day is difficult but never is a day without reward. Every day, God finds some way to remind me how much He loves my children; how much He loves me.

Now, just in case you think I run around in a billowy dress, smiling at the sky and smelling roses, I don't want to give the wrong impression. Into every life a little rain must fall. I am still fighting with dizziness and a big helping of fatigue. It makes me more agitated than anything else. I can't even remember what it was like to not be tired and dizzy. Did I really go grocery shopping with all the kids, by myself, and then come home to make dinner? That couldn't have been me, could it?

The neurologist told me that it could take 18 months after the end of my radiation for the symptoms to peak and then I will start to improve. That means I will start improving in February of 2007. Hey, it's not that long from now. I am just praying that God would show me what I need to do right now to be smack in the middle of His will.

"I want to be where you are. Dwelling in your presence. Feasting at Your table. Surrounded by Your glory." I don't know who wrote that worship song, but that is my prayer.

All in all, it was a happy birthday. Thirty-eight years. Loved by God. Surrounded by my children and awesome husband. Yeah, God is good.

My latest MRI shows no growth in the tumor. Now, we are seeking ways to improve my quality of life, so to speak. Trying to get rid of the dizziness and fatigue. Please pray that God would remove this thorn or continue to supply me with mounds of His grace.

Stay tuned for more mind wanderings.

Joyfully,

Elyse

It's been one year since I found out that I would be traveling down a different road than I expected I'd be going down. A year ago I fancy I was more like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming 18-wheeler. I was frozen to stillness with the  news of this abrupt change to my life, both in the immediate and long-term future.

Right away, I was led into the throne room of the Father and I knew that, no matter what, His love for me hadn't changed on llittle bit. And, I saw how much He loved and loves, my husband and my children; more than what I am capable of giving. I was reminded that God was not surprised by this turn of events. He wasn't caught in the headlights. I was still in the center of His will and He still had a purpose and a plan for my life.

I was told to get a wheelchair, to make a living will and to put my kids in school. I was given eight months to a year to enjoy the company of my family and friends and then I the tumor would stop my life. It's been a year and God has been merciful and mighty in my life. All that has happened, and not happened, has been because of His love and power in my life. He could easily have let the medical expectation become a reality. He didn't and I praise Him because of it.

My life has been changed. My perspective has changed. I always thought I had an eternal perspective but I think I may have been a little off the mark. I may still not be right on target with that mindset but I know I am facing in the right direction. I pray that He would make me more like Him, to see through His eyes, to make decisions that express His will.

I can't help but praise Him. He is with me all day, during the times I am aggravated with my limitations and that makes me a not very nice person to my husband and my children. He pokes me in the ribs when I start to think I am useless because of these limitations. He reminds me how much He loves me and that I will be with Him one day, forever.

So, thank you, Lord, for this past year. I couldn't have gotten through to this day without your mercy and your grace.

Joyfully,

Elyse

Hi!

I beat my record from last post! It's been less than two months!

Well, I had another MRI and the results are good. There is no change in the size of the tumor. This is good news, medically at least. As you know, I want it to go away completely and then I'll say it's good. But, I am going to agree with the doctor and be encouraged. 

As it's been from the beginning, if I'm going to have this problem, I want it to be worth something from an eternal perspective. I want to wring every ounce of meaning and purpose from it that I can. I haven't really figured out how this will happen, but that is my prayer request right now. I get tired faster than I can get out of bed many days, so I have to learn to work in small bursts.

We are closing on a house on Friday! Pray, please pray that it will go off without a problem. This is the third house we've tried to purchase and it's definitely the best of the three! There are so many little things about the house that we just love and that seem perfectly made for us. We are praising God for His infinite care for us. I had been praying that He would show us what we should do next and this house just popped up, and it had been on the market for almost a year!

The moving is going to be a huge undertaking and I am not sure how it's going to go. It's a source of some anxiety for me. I always shrink from things that will bring my husband and children stress. But, since this is a necessary stress, we are going to march up to the challenge and tackle it. Please pray for this, too.

I have decided that I am not going to be tired indefinitely! I am trying to stay awake longer every day and to take my vitamins without fail. It's been working well for the past two days. I've taken only one nap each day! We'll see how it goes.

We are going to be in NJ and NH in August! Email me and I'll send you details. I am trying to organize a service project to do while I'm there. I am so excited to see my friends and family!!!!

I'll blog again soon!

Joyfully,

Elyse

Well time has just been going by so fast. I know I need to post more often. It is on the top of m list of habits to form, really. Thanks to my father and Kenny Stearns for pushing me to post.

I can't say I have any news about my physical condition. The tumor is stable, though it's still there. That is aggravating to me because I want to close the book on this chapter of my life. I want this to be a memory, not a lifestyle for me. But, as usual, God has other plans.

The Bible is full of stories about people who thought their lives were going in one direction and then circumstances caused them to do an about face. Moses certainly didn't think his life was going to change so drastically. He was living in Pharoah's court, one day after another, nothing remarkable and then circumstances changed and his life wasn't even remotely recognizable to what it had been.

Job was just going about his business, not bothering anyone. He didn't think his life would change so much. But it did. I'll bet he wished for the old times, too.

You see, God sees so much more than what we can see. We see through a microscope. He sees through a telescope. Nothing escapes His attention. And the really great thing is that His eyes not only see all, they see through a lens of love, infinite love for each of us. So, what appears to be negative or even cataclysmic isn't terminal. Even death is not the end for those who love Him, the called according to His purpose.

My problems are life-changing to me. I am not enjoying this experience of being restricted. So many days I kick against this roadblock. I am aggravated that I can't make it through the day without spending half of it in bed. This means my husband can't go back to work just yet. I can't stand the loss of control. I struggle to maintain my composure. Sometimes I am not in control of my emotions and I pace around my house, circling, looking for a place to land.

Many days I am just depressed, or borderline hopeless. I can't see the next step. God knows I love to plan, to think about what I am going to do tomorrow. I love making booklists and planning my children's school schedules. The only thing that can reach in through the fog of my sadness and anxiety is the rock-solid knowledge that God loves me, He's in control and He has a plan.

The plan for us is slow in unfolding. I wonder how I will be able to continue to school our children at home. I wonder how I will be able to make it through Lachlan's toddler-hood. I just don't see myself having the werewithal to go the distance. And I am right. I can't make it. But God's power is perfect in my weakness. So, I choose the perfect route. And I try to accept all the weakness in me and the loss of control.

Craig is still contemplating what to do for work. We haven't figured out how we'll manage with him gone for many hours a day. But, he has to do something because we need income. Something will come up.

I am still very tired, can't hear out of my right ear, weakness on my left side and headaches almost daily. I am beginning to treat these problems as a way of life and not as if I have a cold that will go away in time. It's like trying to fit toys in a box. They'll fit if you put them in just the right way. i just need to figure out how to arrange them.

I've started forgetting things more easily; names, places, memories, words. It has been increasing slowly but increasing all the same. I am praying that God would restore those things to me.

We are going to be in New Jersey and New Hampshire in August this summer. Email me and I'll give you the specifics and maybe we can get together!

Please keep praying for us. The children are doing well. We struggle to get school done each day and many days we fail. They love having Daddy home but that needs to change soon! Craig is doing well. He carries a big burden for all of us. Please pray that I would appreciate him first, before I criticize.

It seems this period is harder for me to handle than when I was diagnosed. That was like being in an accident.Deer in the headlights, stunned existence. Now, it's like a slow burn. So painful on some days and the future circumstances unknown. Praise God that He knows what will happen next.

Joyfully,

Elyse

Hi!

Has it really been almost three months since I've updated my blog? Yes it has and I apologize for that. It's sort of like watching the first half of a movie and then having to return it to the video store.

I haven't written again because I've been waiting to be able to share some really good news. I feel like I've built this whole situation up, just waiting for a grand slam announcement of miraculous healing and it hasn't happened, yet. I am a woman of extremes, I suppose, and maybe God is directing me toward the middle of the road for a while. I cannot yet say that the tumor is gone, but it still hasn't grown. That in itself is a testimony of God's care for me. I bless His name for it.

But, I still live in this fleshly body so I never stop wanting more. When this adventure started, I looked at it in black and white. I figured I was going to heaven any day, or I was going to get news that the tumor was gone when the radiation was over. God has other plans. I know that the promises of God are yes and so be it. I do not doubt, not even for a blink of an eye, that He can heal me instantly. What I do believe is that He plans on using this situation for his glory. His strength is perfected in my weakness. Gosh is He strong in my life!

So, I am learning that there may be nuances to my healing. I may have to live, for however long, with the effects of this tumor affecting me. That is not my first choice. I am tired of being tired, tired of limping, tired of thinking about how my family will get on without me. I want things to be like they were before. I had more (a little at least) energy, more patience, then. My husband didn't need to babysit me as he does now. I could take all the kids to Walmart, the grocery store and clean the house in one day.

But God can use this. I think of the tumor as my "thorn in the side". His grace is sufficient for me. His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Do I really understand all the ramifications of these words? No. Not yet. But I know I am on the road to understanding and applying these verses in my life.

What is exciting to me is the anticipation of the day when I can use this experience to help someone else. To come along side someone and being their Aaron; holding their arms up when they can no longer go it alone. Others have been that for me and I an excited to be able to do that for even one other person. If I can use this experience to help just one other person meet Jesus - isn't it all worth it! What a treasure to store up in heaven!

For now, I feel like I am the fourth plane on the runway. Waiting. My job is to stay in touch with the tower because they can see what I can't.

The tumor still hasn't grown but I have had to go back on the steroids because of a nasty headache that could be caused by swelling around the tumor, or it could be my head healing from the radiation. I consider that a setback and I am anxious for the time when I won't have to think about steroids.

Please pray for me to handle my down days with grace. I want to use all of this experience for the encouragement of the body of Christ and as a witness of how much God loves us. I want to write about and speak about this experience.

Please pray that God would lead us to a way to earn an income without DH having to be out of the house 40+ hours a week. We are looking for a home business to begin that will use our talents.

Please pray that God would continue to be the friend who sticks closer than a brother to our children.

God is to be praised. He has blessed us with rich relationships and examples of faith in the people around us. We are rich in so many ways, especially the Love of God.

I hope to update again sooner than last time.

Please keep in touch with us. It means so much to hear from everyone.

Love,

Elyse

I had my second post-radiation MRI on Friday and went to Duke to get the results yesterday. The results show that there has been no change in the tumor. At first blush, it seems that this isn't very good news. Maybe, some would think, that God didn't answer our prayers. We expected to hear that the miraculous had happened; that the tumor had disappeared and the doctors had no explanation.

But it is good news. The doctors expected that the tumor would grow after radiation and the swelling would worsen. That has not happened and there is encouragement to be found here. I was told that it takes time for a tumor to begin to die after radiation. It could take up to a year or even more. And then, even when it does die, it leaves scar tissue. There will always be possibility of this tumor someday beginning to grow. The neuro-oncologist's advice was to stay as healthy as possible as the best way to fight the chance of the bad cells surviving. He would not guess at my life expectancy but he mentioned people living one year up to 20 years with this sort of illness. Before I was born God knew the number of my days.

But there is better news, too. God is still in control. He is in control of my life, the life of my family and our circumstances. There is so much hope in those words. God is not ignoring our prayers, our requests, our desires. He can see the forest for the trees so He knows more about timing than I do. He does what He does because He loves me and my family. If this tumor means that His will be done, I say, "yeah and amen". If just one person decides to put their faith in God because of what I have gone through, it is more than worth it to me.

I have learned that God doesn't always answer our prayers the way we expect Him to do it. Sometimes His answer is, "Wait" or even, "No". But He is a loving parent. He sees what I cannot and then He acts out of love for me.

I had been expecting one of two outcomes: complete healing or dying. I knew there were other options, but I focused on one of those two outcomes. I am learning to accept another outcome: living with a brain tumor and some physical limitations. I am not saying God won't remove the tumor miraculously at some point. I don't rule out anything God may do. He is, after all, God. But, I believe God plans for me to reach out to others going through tough times with the hope He has given me. He has a plan, a perfect one and I want to be a part of it.

I will be getting MRI's every two months for the forseeable future. Please pray that I would be able to see God's plan clearly and have the grace to walk in that plan.

Write again soon.

Joyfully,

Elyse

Happy Thanksgiving to all. Again, it's been a month since I've sent an update. I am a bad blogger! LOL

An update:

I have been extraordinarily tired for almost three weeks now. After about two hours of sitting up and trying to do something, anything, I run (as well as I can) back to bed, hardly able to hold my eyelids in the open position. I am also experiencing the type of headaches I was having when I was diagnosed, but they are centered behind my left ear. It goes away when I lay down or if I take some Tylenol. So, is this good or bad news? I don't know. I have another MRI scheduled for December 16th. I hope to get a better picture then.

It's been four months since this challenge began. It feels like a long time to me but, when put in perspective, it isn't all that long when you look at it with eternity in view.

Dh and I are at a crossorads as we look to the future. I need Dh home with me just about all the time to help look after our children. And since my prognosis is nothing if not unpredictable, we need flexibility in his job. I feel God's hand in this situation and I know that He will lead us to the right place. I would like to know right now what is coming down the pike but I have to keep reminding myself that He will open the door for us. I am praying that God will give us the grace to walk through that open door at the right time.

We are homeschooling in fits and starts. I have been sleeping much of my days these past three weeks. My two older children have taken to bringing their books to the bedroom and doing their learning on my bed. I feel as if we aren't doing enough and, like many moms, I fret about their success in the future.

I feel my biggest battle right now is psychological. I am tired of dealing with this tumor problem. It shackles my energy and keeps me tied to my house and even my bedroom. I am one who loves surprises but I can't wait to find out what they are. I would love to know where this is going so I can plan my part. But God doesn't reveal anything until we are ready to accept it, and when it is time. It just isn't time. So, I'll continue to fight against my frustration and look for ways to be about my Father's business in my home.

I am not feeling profound so I will sign off here. I am planning another update after my next MRI reading on December 19th.

Joyfully,

Elyse

I experienced a few things this weekend on the way to Duke:

My husband and I asked the elders of our church to anoint me with oil and pray for me as we are instructed in James 4. After church on Sunday, the elders gathered and, with my family in attendance, they each prayed for me. That was a wonderful experience. (just a side note: God sovereignly led us to this church and I can hardly stop thanking Him for it)

Then my Nana came over in the afternoon and said they were having a healing service at her church that night and she wanted me to come. Of Course! But here is the really cool part. My other grandma came down from New Jersey with my Dad to come with me to hear my results. So, both my grandmas were with me at the healing service. They were both praying for me. What an honor! My grandmas are godly women and have been for a very long time. They have been praying for me daily since they found out my mom was pregnant. Talk about a spiritual heritage! Now you can see where my faith has developed. I have a long family history on which to look back and draw from. God has never once failed my family and He has blessed all of us so much.

Anyway, I was so excited to have them both lay their hands on me and pray pray pray. The pastor also anointed me with oil and prayed. It was a great time with the Lord.  I was anointed and prayed for both morning and evening so I consider it a double blessing, a double portion of God's grace.

The other cool, sort of Twilight Zone thing that happened was that my mom, dad and sister spent the day together at the hospital. Not so uncommon, you say? Well, my parents separated when I was 14 and divorced soon after and both are happily remarried. 

But God has a sense of humor. The four of us, my grandma and my husband, sat in the waiting room and then in the little examining room for three hours. We laughed and talked and, if you can believe it, had a really nice time. I wouldn't want to meet like that every week, but I know God had a reason for doing that and I am thankful He did.

So, even in the midst of problems, God is up to something good. I don't know why He is leading me through this and I may never know until I ask Him face to face. I guess if He wantd me to know He'd tell me. But, I pray that He will continue to hold my hand while I'm walking.

Joyfully,

Elyse

Hi!

You heard it here first!

My husband, father, mother, sister and grandmother all traveled to Duke yesterday to hear the results of my MRI. I'll get to that part later, about the experience of spending the day with my family....

But on to the exciting stuff.

There was no obvious growth of the tumor, which, I guess, was a concern of the doctor's from the beginning. So, if you define miracles as when something bad doesn't happen though it was expected, chalk up one miracle. (I am counting it as a miracle myself).

The swelling has decreased markedly around my stem even though my steroid dosage has decreased. If the tumor was thriving, the swelling would not decrease and I would have to stay on a high steroid dosage. But I have decreased my dosage by more than half and the swelling is minor right now. Another MIRACLE.

The tumor is still there and has not decreased in size,as far as the doctor's can tell. It is possible (probable I think) that it is shrinking and will just take some time to show up on the scan. 

I am going to consider this a MIRACLE on the way. I believe God has already healed me. Sometimes His answer is wait because He has a better plan in mind. There are still lessons for me to learn through all of this. One thing I have learned is that if I rush ahead of where God is, I will miss what He has for me. And I may miss what He has for me to give to those around me.

So, while I am sick to death of being impeded; not being able to drive, not being able to hear properly, having weakness when I walk, I am praying that I won't run ahead of where God is waiting to teach me something.

I am not too good at this. I like to plan ahead, be prepared for any situation. I get too caught up in my lists and I forget to look around me and learn from the present. I guess God is giving me another chance to learn this lesson.

I will have a follow up MRI in two months to see what progress has been made. I'll have an MRI every two months for a year to see what is happening. If my symptoms return or if the MRI shows the tumor is growing, chemotherapy is the next option. I believe that won't be necessary. I will also, God willing, be weaned off the steroids in a month!

So there is a lot to celebrate!!!!!

My faith has been bolstered by all the prayers that have been prayed on my behalf. It's like there was a huge snowstorn, 20 inches fell in a day. I needed to walk through that snow to get to my house. So, hundreds of people came out with shovels and cleared a path for me. Some people I knew, some I didn't, but everyone was united in a common goal, to shovel a path just for me so I could get home. I didn't have to do anything except walk. And the path was completely clear as I walked home. I saw the snow piled high on each side of me. Sometimes it was so high I was afraid it would cave in on me, but there was always someone standing between me and the snow wall, protecting me from everything. It seems my part was the easiest. I just had to walk. God sent the shovelers and then He took my hand and led me through the valley.

I know this is not over yet, but God has been so good to me that I can't help but know that His favor won't stop now.

I'll post my other mumblings about events that surrounded my doctor's visit in another blog.

Tearfully joyous,

Elyse