Well time has just been going by so fast. I know I need to post more often. It is on the top of m list of habits to form, really. Thanks to my father and Kenny Stearns for pushing me to post.

I can't say I have any news about my physical condition. The tumor is stable, though it's still there. That is aggravating to me because I want to close the book on this chapter of my life. I want this to be a memory, not a lifestyle for me. But, as usual, God has other plans.

The Bible is full of stories about people who thought their lives were going in one direction and then circumstances caused them to do an about face. Moses certainly didn't think his life was going to change so drastically. He was living in Pharoah's court, one day after another, nothing remarkable and then circumstances changed and his life wasn't even remotely recognizable to what it had been.

Job was just going about his business, not bothering anyone. He didn't think his life would change so much. But it did. I'll bet he wished for the old times, too.

You see, God sees so much more than what we can see. We see through a microscope. He sees through a telescope. Nothing escapes His attention. And the really great thing is that His eyes not only see all, they see through a lens of love, infinite love for each of us. So, what appears to be negative or even cataclysmic isn't terminal. Even death is not the end for those who love Him, the called according to His purpose.

My problems are life-changing to me. I am not enjoying this experience of being restricted. So many days I kick against this roadblock. I am aggravated that I can't make it through the day without spending half of it in bed. This means my husband can't go back to work just yet. I can't stand the loss of control. I struggle to maintain my composure. Sometimes I am not in control of my emotions and I pace around my house, circling, looking for a place to land.

Many days I am just depressed, or borderline hopeless. I can't see the next step. God knows I love to plan, to think about what I am going to do tomorrow. I love making booklists and planning my children's school schedules. The only thing that can reach in through the fog of my sadness and anxiety is the rock-solid knowledge that God loves me, He's in control and He has a plan.

The plan for us is slow in unfolding. I wonder how I will be able to continue to school our children at home. I wonder how I will be able to make it through Lachlan's toddler-hood. I just don't see myself having the werewithal to go the distance. And I am right. I can't make it. But God's power is perfect in my weakness. So, I choose the perfect route. And I try to accept all the weakness in me and the loss of control.

Craig is still contemplating what to do for work. We haven't figured out how we'll manage with him gone for many hours a day. But, he has to do something because we need income. Something will come up.

I am still very tired, can't hear out of my right ear, weakness on my left side and headaches almost daily. I am beginning to treat these problems as a way of life and not as if I have a cold that will go away in time. It's like trying to fit toys in a box. They'll fit if you put them in just the right way. i just need to figure out how to arrange them.

I've started forgetting things more easily; names, places, memories, words. It has been increasing slowly but increasing all the same. I am praying that God would restore those things to me.

We are going to be in New Jersey and New Hampshire in August this summer. Email me and I'll give you the specifics and maybe we can get together!

Please keep praying for us. The children are doing well. We struggle to get school done each day and many days we fail. They love having Daddy home but that needs to change soon! Craig is doing well. He carries a big burden for all of us. Please pray that I would appreciate him first, before I criticize.

It seems this period is harder for me to handle than when I was diagnosed. That was like being in an accident.Deer in the headlights, stunned existence. Now, it's like a slow burn. So painful on some days and the future circumstances unknown. Praise God that He knows what will happen next.

Joyfully,

Elyse