I spent the afternoon feeling awful, being grumpy, and then taking a nap. I woke up to laundry done, and the house cleaned. My mom said that my husband was a very good son-in-law.

I've been thinking more on this topic during the evening though...

I have problems with slacking... I don't *like* housework, and somewhere along the way it was imbedded in my brain that I really shouldn't have to be doing things that I don't like to do. That followed me through high school, and on into my 20's. Since I've matured a little I have realized that this is not so. Life is full of things we *just do* because they are necessary, and it is up to us to retrain our brains to stop feeling sorry for ourselves because we have to do things we don't wanna do. While I feel I have grasped this concept, I do not go about applying it in a cheerful manner. I'm quite sure that my children have picked up on this.

I have thought before that I should be treating *my job* the same as I did when I worked outside the home. I went to work when I did not feel like it, I did what needed to be done because it was my job. I guess money was an incentive...but more than that was the desire to have approval from my boss and coworkers. I wanted people to be happy with me so I would go the extra mile. I was the one they called when someone couldn't come in, the one that would stay late because someone called in. I would totally inconvenience myself so that those people would be happy with me.

So, I'm thinking that I need to treat my job as wife and mother the same way....in order to please my Lord. Serving my family not only pleases my family, but pleases God as well. I want to say "Yes, this is ME..I want to serve!" If that was really my desire then I would put forth 110% effort instead of the little that I do now. I do want to please them, but still...

And while this is not so much the issue now, there are still issues. I want my family to be taken care of and *I* want to be the one to do it. Yet at the same time I don't want to do something that I don't feel like doing. So, how do I change that thinking? Die to self just sounds so simple...yet something I'm not sure I know how to do.

And what does this look like really? In my life it would mean that I would do what? My mind always works in the extreme so I've had some way out there thoughts of things I could try. My mom actually mentioned that she would allow us to set up a school room in her house (she lives here on our farm with us), and each day we could get up, get ready, do chores, and head off to school. So, what does that say about me that my MOM would suggest something like that?

In the end is that really changing me? I don't think so...I mean, if you have to leave your home in order to force yourself to do the task that is set before you...? What I desire is an inner change....a REAL change. I know that God is able, and through Him I am able, but...(plug in any number of excuses for being lame here)

*sigh*