I wish it were a good one, but we have gotten some bad news. He now has more *nodules* in his lungs, a lesion on his liver (which is presumed to be cancer), and a tumor in his brain. He starts radiation for the brain cancer tomorrow...

Please pray for him, and all of us, if God brings it to your mind.

A couple of days ago (remember way back when it was beautiful outside instead of rainy and cold?) my husband and I went for a walk. He wanted to show me what he had been working on. We walked toward the field where the goat is and down around the rail fence to a stand of cedars. Well, there used to be a stand of cedars...I guess there still is, but lots of them are down.

Bless his heart, he showed me every single tree that he cut. He talked about the plans he has for the logs (hopefully part of them will be walls for our home). He talked about some having more red than others, and on and on...

Then he took me toward the barn where he proceeded to show me more cedar logs that he had drug out, and more stumps where he had cut trees.

I think I married a lumberjack at heart.

At one time in our marriage I would have seriously made fun of him. I'm not talking about the poking fun, like the comment about him being a lumberjack, he is good hearted and likes to tease so that would not bother him. I mean *serious* degrading comments. I would have made him feel stupid...and I am not sure why, though doesn't that usually stem from a need to feel superior??

At one time in our marriage I would have simply told him I didn't care, and that he could *do his thing while I do mine*. Wow...how many women say that and then are left sitting back not knowing why their men are not spending time with them or the children? Sometimes we need to fake it...and as one friend would suggest, wait for the feelings of interest to come. Be a good faker...

There are events in the past that would have played out differently had I let my husband lead, or at least supported him in his ideas. I know of many times that he mentioned a desire for something, or a thought to change something and I *shot him down*. Trying to please me, he listened to me...and I was too stupid to shut my mouth.

 We are very different creatures, and only God in heaven would have paired us up. We looked doomed from the start. Maybe at one point we would have been, but God is good, and He can help a heart to change and grow. *He* is the tie that binds us...Now we have a wonderful relationship, and not just one that appears to be so due to a domineering wife and a submissive/passive husband who loves her.

Wow, that went on a trip that I hadn't planned to trek...oh well, I will leave it as is. It was what was in my heart, and someday I am sure I will enjoy rereading it.

This morning young J got out the stick horses...he has three of them. He gave them all names, and rode them through the house...so cute. He asked us if we wanted to pet *Little Billy*...."of course" we said. He gets out a brush and brushes their manes. He shows us just how fast they will go...

Then he asked Daddy if he wanted to ride *Lucky*.

"Well, of course...", Daddy says.

So he puts on this big production of getting *up* on this stick horse. He starts riding him kinda slow, and he says, "I'm a big load for this little horse, so he's taking it kinda slow." Then he pretended that it bucked a little and took off flying. He ran down the hallway..or galloped I guess. He's talking to the horse and about the horse all the way.

Then he came back through the kitchen and then the living room, and on into our room. He made a turn and took a pit stop in the bathroom where we hear him calling out, "Woah, Lucky, no drinking out of the potty!" We were roaring with laughter. It was so hilarious!!

As he came out of our bedroom, he pretended that the horse bucked him off...and gave him back to Young J. So J takes off doing some of the same stuff. He was laughing so hard, and making up all sorts of stuff. Just lots of fun...

Now, if young J had asked *me* I would probably have said, "NO...take those silly horses back to your room." *sigh*...My boys don't know how thankful they should be for having a *fun dad*. He makes me want to be a *fun mom*...he makes me want to ride a stick horse, or put on a *suit of armor* made out of old hub caps, or carry a sword made of a wooden tobacco stick, or swing on a grape vine in the woods. He makes me want to have fun...and not be so serious all the time.

I have really been working hard to encourage my children. I have been very negative with them, and very stern...and I can see huge evidence of that in my oldest. He's very much like me (though I think a great deal of it is just due to his personality).

I don't just want to encourage my children in their work/school/kindness, but also in their play...and imagination. They are only little for a short time, and they should enjoy being little as much as possible. They'll have plenty of time for *growing up* when they are grown up. All work and no play makes for very sad little children...and I want my children to have fun memories of ME just like they will their Daddy.

I want *pushing them away* to NOT be my first reaction...thinking I'm too busy to spend time, or even talk (or better yet listen) to my children. I want to really *know* them, and I want them to really know me.

The lump was benign...it was just a *fatty deposit*!! We are so very thankful!!

Thanks to all of you who have prayed for him.

We go back in two weeks to have the incision sight checked again. He wants to have another CAT scan to see if the tumor around his esophagus has grown/shrunk/is gone. We will not be seeing his Oncologist until sometime in March...which would give the incision time to heal well, and the fluid time to go away. Hopefully she will agree to this since he wants it done.

We saw one of his nurses, from his long stay in the hospital, while we were in the lunch room yesterday. I spoke to her, and asked if she remembered us. She said, "if you and your mother were not with him, I would not have known him!" She was amazed, as they all thought he was dying...and would die in the hospital. She said, "well, just shows that God was not ready to have him come Home yet."

I've really been blessed by all the time that I have spent with my inlaws in the last year. They have always been good inlaws, and been good to me and my boys, but I never really *knew* them until fil got sick and we began to spend so much time together. Amazing what you discover about people when you spend hours and hours in a car and in the hospital/dr.'s offices with them. I'm thankful that I have been able to help them the way that I have, and that God has protected us all through all the travelling.

I just feel really thankful today....

If God brings him to your mind.

I am taking him to the doctor today to get the results of the biopsy they did on his breast. We're all very nervous.

For those of you that do not know,  my father in law was diagnosed with lung cancer 2 1/2 years ago. He had part of a lung removed at that time, but they did not do radiation or chemo afterward and in March of this year they found that it had come back.

He was treated with chemo and radiation for five weeks only to find that it had grown 35%.

They stopped radiation, started a new chemo, and he almost died. He retained about 50lbs of fluid and was in the hospital more than a month. They put in a feeding tube because they thought the tumor had grown around his esophagus and would stop him from being able to eat.

He came home from the hospital with hospice, and God worked a miracle. He was expected to die any day, and instead each day he grew stronger. The fluid began to leave his body. He was able to walk by himself again. He stopped having to use oxygen. He stopped needing breathing treatments. He was able to leave his house. He was able to drive himself to the store. He was able to attend church. He was still here at Thanksgiving...and he was still here at Christmas. He saw in a new year with prayer. He had another birthday. As I told him just yesterday, he looks like himself again. God is very good...

He found a lump in his breast a few months ago, and reported it last time he went to see his oncologist. She ordered his feeding tube removed, and set up an appointment for him to see the surgeons for a consult concerning the lump. He went in for a biopsy a few weeks ago, and they removed the lump at that time. We find out the results of that today.

I spent the afternoon feeling awful, being grumpy, and then taking a nap. I woke up to laundry done, and the house cleaned. My mom said that my husband was a very good son-in-law.

I've been thinking more on this topic during the evening though...

I have problems with slacking... I don't *like* housework, and somewhere along the way it was imbedded in my brain that I really shouldn't have to be doing things that I don't like to do. That followed me through high school, and on into my 20's. Since I've matured a little I have realized that this is not so. Life is full of things we *just do* because they are necessary, and it is up to us to retrain our brains to stop feeling sorry for ourselves because we have to do things we don't wanna do. While I feel I have grasped this concept, I do not go about applying it in a cheerful manner. I'm quite sure that my children have picked up on this.

I have thought before that I should be treating *my job* the same as I did when I worked outside the home. I went to work when I did not feel like it, I did what needed to be done because it was my job. I guess money was an incentive...but more than that was the desire to have approval from my boss and coworkers. I wanted people to be happy with me so I would go the extra mile. I was the one they called when someone couldn't come in, the one that would stay late because someone called in. I would totally inconvenience myself so that those people would be happy with me.

So, I'm thinking that I need to treat my job as wife and mother the same way....in order to please my Lord. Serving my family not only pleases my family, but pleases God as well. I want to say "Yes, this is ME..I want to serve!" If that was really my desire then I would put forth 110% effort instead of the little that I do now. I do want to please them, but still...

And while this is not so much the issue now, there are still issues. I want my family to be taken care of and *I* want to be the one to do it. Yet at the same time I don't want to do something that I don't feel like doing. So, how do I change that thinking? Die to self just sounds so simple...yet something I'm not sure I know how to do.

And what does this look like really? In my life it would mean that I would do what? My mind always works in the extreme so I've had some way out there thoughts of things I could try. My mom actually mentioned that she would allow us to set up a school room in her house (she lives here on our farm with us), and each day we could get up, get ready, do chores, and head off to school. So, what does that say about me that my MOM would suggest something like that?

In the end is that really changing me? I don't think so...I mean, if you have to leave your home in order to force yourself to do the task that is set before you...? What I desire is an inner change....a REAL change. I know that God is able, and through Him I am able, but...(plug in any number of excuses for being lame here)

*sigh*

I'm having a really hard time with this right now. I have been sick for  a week, and nothing is being done to my satisfaction.

Most days I am getting up and doing my Bible study, which is the most important thing to me (I think I missed two days of it since I've been sick which isn't too bad considering). Most of the time I end up back in bed at some point after the study, but I still give myself a B+ for effort.

School is NOT happening. I did try a few days, but with a nasty nose and sore throat I just cannot read aloud to them (which MOST of older and younger J's school is)...and my head is swimmy and I just do NOT want to help them with math and such. I don't have children who just *do what they understand* and can be told to leave the rest, they are always asking me questions and our homeschooling is very Mom active.

Housework is barely being done. A is doing all of their laundry, but none of ours. "I didn't tell him to!"...

He's keeping the kitchen clean enough to not draw in vermin.

I'm cooking...so at least we are all eating.

I just feel like complaining today, but I want to redirect those thoughts into a *learning experience* so that this does not happen again. I know that I have asked this before (just not on the blog, I think).

How does *just do it* play out when mom and others are sick? Do you just let it all go...? surely not! Let most of it go?? That's what we are doing and it's not looking good...Make sure they know what to do and are doing it? Well, ummm...I don't feel like it!! (waah pout whine)

We do like routine, but we do not do well with schedules...including cleaning ones. We work together two times a day, normally. These work times are spent doing things that are listed on a whiteboard on my fridge. I have a column for each boy, and then a general section, which is mostly completed by A and I. As I think of things throughout the morning and afternoon I write them on the whiteboard. During cleaning times each person goes off to do what they need to do, and comes back to check it off and go to the next thing until the list is done. This works very well for us...much better than any scheduled cleaning list I have ever made. It's what fits us....

OK, so I haven't been making the list while I have been sick. I have been barking orders from the couch somewhat. It's not that they aren't doing anything, it's just that it seems that they think if mom is sitting then things get to slide...we can be more slack all around. I don't tell them that, and it's not what happens when one of them is sick, so I'm not sure where they get that idea.

Maybe I'm just cranky and don't really have anything to complain about...I admit that is highly possible. It just seems that each time we are sick I end up feeling this way. Thankfully we do not get sick very often.

that he really did NOT expect me to be dressed *to go out* every day.

I still knew that he was answering me according to what he *felt* my ability was, and I wanted him to be honest and tell me the truth. We had a really great talk, and eventually he admitted that, yes, he would prefer if I were dressed (not sloppy, hair and make up done) each day.

This began a discussion on the difference between the things we expect of each other and the things we would like...and then onto how some of those things are within our ability and some are not.

It's fully within my ability to get up early, I am not sick with something that causes me to be unable to get up early *if* I go to bed at a decent hour...and possibly including a catnap in the afternoon. It's fully within my ability to read and study my Bible and pray each morning before my family gets up, again there is nothing that prohibits this. It's fully within my ability to fix my husband's coffee, pack his lunch, and fix his breakfast before he even gets up.

He doesn't require this of me, but it is what he prefers and it makes him really happy. He left for work with a full stomach, and a smile on his face. That blesses me...

As we talked he mentioned that doing these things would help me as well, because they would help to change my outlook. I tend to suffer from depression and laying around in sweats all day, not cleaning as I should, wasting time online or with books/games/movies, and especially NOT reading my BIBLE or PRAYING were not helping me to have a good outlook on my *job* or my life.

He's right...if I start my day out in His Word, focussing on Him, it changes my outlook entirely. If I shower and dress...I'm ready for anybody or anything at a moments notice. (I can't tell you how many times I have found myself mortified by a drop in visitor, or brushed off my husband's invitation to dinner or shopping because I didn't *feel* like getting ready). If I do these things first then I am a step ahead of the game!

And honestly, I still don't *feel* like doing these things...but as an online friend has mentioned in many conversations, we can't always wait until we feel like doing something before we do it. Sometimes we just have to do it, and maybe eventually we will feel like it...and guess what, maybe we won't...but it'll be done anyway.

I borrowed this chart from Kate's blog . I knew after I read it that it was something I wanted to try on my husband.

So, after I tweaked it a bit to fit our situation, I had a meeting with Daddy L. He's not a very *detail oriented* person, so I just started with the main question.

What are your priorities? Rank in order from 1-4...1 being the most important.

__Schooling the Children

__Clean, organized house...with ALL laundry done

__Meals (good, cooked meals, prepared on time)

__Wife to be showered and *dressed*

What I really wanted from him was the truth. I didn't want him to tell me what he thought would be the best answers, or to base his answers on my failing ability to follow through. I just wanted him to tell me, in all honesty, how he really felt...what was really important and most pleasing to him.

I thought I knew, and when he first answered me I could tell it was the answer that *sounds* best. So I pushed a little...I reworded things. He said school was most important so I said, "OK, so if I have school done and the rest of the stuff falls away then that's ok with you? School done is THE most important thing...top of the list?"

As I continued questioning him his answers began to change. Exactly what I had hoped...he was really thinking about how he really feels.

In the end he really prefers....

1)his wife showered and dressed (though we have NOT discussed the specifics of this yet I do have an idea as to what he really wants. I did not want to push him further that night and aggravate him)

2) the house clean and the laundry done and put away (I had initially listed these as two seperate things because I felt that they really are not *one* thing. He insists that they are, so I made them one)

3)school done...self explanatory

4) well planned and well cooked meals at the family table

I knew that my being *fixed up* would rank highest. That's very important to him and I have disregarded it for years. I've become very lazy about my appearance when I am at home, and that has not been pleasing to my husband. At different times I have started to change, but of course, being that I am the kind that doesn't follow through on a  lot of things, it was never a permanent or even long lasting change.

I really thought that meals would be 2nd on his list because he loves to eat, and he doesn't like it if I don't know what we are going to be eating. Evidently the house being clean is more important to him than he has ever mentioned...and specifically our room. He even said, "our bedroom has never been clean consistently since we have been married..." He'd never really commented on it before...

Knowing that my husband is not one to complain, sometimes it is hard for me to hear him tell me the truth. As I have mentioned before, he is the type that would be really easy to take advantage of. This excercise was good for us, it put him in a position to think about how he feels and be honest without really criticizing.

Just a few days late...

Is everyone ready for 2006? I want to be, but I'm quite sure I am not...doesn't really matter, it didn't wait for me to ask it to come around.

I've been trying to post this entry for several days now, even before New Years Day. For some reason I kept being interrupted, and then I would lose my train of thought and end up deleting the whole thing. I really wish that I hadn't done that because I had some really inspiring things to say to myself and now I will probably never remember them again.

I've spent quite a bit of time over the last few weeks thinking about all the things that did and didn't work in 2005 and all the things that I want to continue, or do differently in 2006.

I don't really like the term *resolution*...and I do not make New Year's resolutions. It's not like January 1st is some magic date that will enable me to do all of these things that I want to do, but maybe it's the sense of *renewal* that I get from it being a new year that causes me to want to make a list and work toward being different.

 Then again maybe I'm just jumping on the *New Me Overnight* bandwagon...either way, I have a list and I'm going to share it.

God

This past year I really let the ball drop in my spiritual life. Time to pick the ball back up I guess...

I battle with waking early and starting the day with a *quiet time* because I am not a morning person. I have to admit that things go much better when I do that, though. So, I guess I will continue to battle with it...but this time I will win!!

My morning quiet time will consist of reading, praying, writing in my prayer journal, and doing a study....either of my own, or one that I purchase. I *need* the studies, but recognize that some women don't. Studying revives me, and leaves me seeking more...and since I do not have infants it is not hard for me to make time to do one.

Husband

I recognize that my lack of spiritual focus has helped me to form some really bad (read worldly) habits in relation to my husband. I have not been honoring him (nor God) as I should. Without going into all the icky details, I will just say that I have renewed my commitment to work toward being the wife that God called me to be...and to pray for him daily.

I also haven't been trying to please him. He's the type of man who doesn't complain about things, so it's somewhat easy to take advantage of him in certain areas. I'm ashamed of that. I've read from several ladies I have *met* over the years that they try to focus on 2-3 things to do every day that they know will please their husband, as a gift to him, and that is my plan as well...but I won't list those here.

Children

The last year has seen our parenting change in lots of ways, and not all of them good...but not all of them bad either.

We have found ourselves trying to make our children happy at times, when it probably wasn't for their best. For several months of this year I could not be there for them the way that I needed to be because of PapL's cancer. It has just been a very hard year.

Even through all of that our relationships are still close. All of my boys are still openly affectionate physically, which shows me that their hearts are not hardened toward us. They have distinct personalities that sometimes cause conflict, but in the end they love each other, and they work it all out...and are fairly free with their apologies. They are loyal to each other and do not turn their backs on their brother for the affection of an outsider. I'm proud of the relationships that they have with each other.

For this year I want to work more on helping them develop their relationship with God. I believe that my oldest really reaped the benefits of the zeal we had a few years ago. He reads daily, prays, and sees God in all things. He wants to work, talks of missions, and is open with his faith and beliefs.

The younger two were not old enough for that period of time to have a lasting effect, and I'm sorry that we let them down. I don't feel that it's too late to change things though...so, my plan is to really encourage them, all of them, through various ways.

I also wanted to copy my friend, Kim, in having *dates* with our boys. We never really implemented that when we first discussed it, and didn't really get all the specifics worked out. Even with our only having 3, it seems that sometimes one will get *lost* in the crowd. I think that one-on-one time would mean a lot to all of them, and would help us continue to keep that close connection that we have.

Others

I'll continue to help Pap L and Granny all that I can, but I want to reach out to others as well. We've already discussed this as a family, and I think I may explain more about it at a later time...this entry is going to be very long I can see, so I'll not go further.

Homemaking

I think I've tried to do it every way imaginable. I've took every bit of advice that I have ever read and tried, in some feeble way, at one point or another, to apply it to our lives. I think I'm tired of that...

So, changes for this year concerning homemaking...."Just Do It!!" It's just something that has to be done...DAILY!!

Basically, the plan is to have a cleaning time (where the three boys and I work together) 1-2 times a day. This way we are not overwhelmed, and it'll all get done pretty quickly.

I do need to do some more decluttering (as we are planning to foster-adopt), but I don't really consider that *homemaking*. Homemaking, to me, is the day to day stuff...

Homeschool

Pretty much the same philosophy applies to our homeschool...."Just Do It!!"

We have been slackers in the past. Even *if* we do manage to do school every day, we are somehow skipping something that is supposed to be part of our school. That needs to stop...

Oh, I would like to add in a few more hands-on things (timeline, period crafts, etc..) for the youngers...

I also need to re-read Barb Sheltons high-school book...

Health

Daddy L says that he wants us to eat better. The responsibility of that will fall on my shoulders I guess. So, supposedly, we are going to finish off the *junk* that we have now, and just not buy any more.

Healthy eating looks different to each individual. For us it means less sweets and chips...and no pop/soda...and more water. That's doable...

He also wants us to excercise more. He's kind of setting up something for him and the boys to do...and then they do the "Walk Away The Pounds" with me. We did it for a while and they really enjoyed it.

I used to want to lose weight, but about a year ago that stopped being the main focus and being healthy started becoming the goal. It's not about appearance, it's about how I feel...physically and mentally.  I need to add this in my prayer journal, this family will really need prayer in order to give up all the junk.

Daddy L and I are also planning trips to the doctor for physicals. Neither of us are very good about going to the doctor...even when we need to go.

I think that's pretty much the nuts and bolts of it all. It looks kind of overwhelming when typed out like this, but I like the idea of having it in a place where I can look at it frequently. Even if it means that I'll come back at some point and think "what was I thinking when I said we could do that?"

I may be getting a wood cookstove!! Though that might seem like something not to be very excited about, or something that you would actually not want at all, it has very special meaning to me.

The story behind it...

A few months ago we were able (due to the Lord's provision) to purchase "The Family Farm" which has been in my family for almost 100 years. I grew up here, it was my grandparents farm, and my great-grandparents before them. We have lived here as a family for over 9 years with it being my, now deceased, grandparents estate, but now it is OURS!! A dream come true...

We currently live in a singlewide trailer that my grandparents bought a few years before my papaw passed away...smack in the middle of 22 acres.

My husband and I are planning to build our own home...ourselves. We are basically debt free, and are trying to live out that philosophy. We want to build this home as we can, and do most of the work ourselves.

The house we plan to build will be *rustic*...I like to think of it being rustic in the charming sense instead of in the primitive sense. We don't plan to have brick or vinyl siding, but wood...remember wood?? We also want wood floors...not the pre-fab stuff that really doesn't look like wood but the kind reminiscent of an old country store. Oh, and I don't want sheetrock/drywall...I want WOOD walls. Wood, wood everywhere wood....

I have watched my husband sit in *his chair* many evenings with a clipboard and graph paper, lovingly planning this house for our family. He will draw designs of floor plans, and landscaping...even plans of how the wood on the walls will form a pattern to make it architectuarlly interesting.

We've talked about what kind of tin we want on our roof, the different kinds of wood we could use in each room, and the layout  of the home.

We bought this wonderful book titled "Cabin". It's just full of pictures of different types of cabins, and we call it our "wish book"...it reminds us of the feelings we had as children when we would look at the Sears Wish Book near Christmas time. Dreaming that some of it might be ours, but keeping in mind that most of it probably wouldn't...and having a hard time with the waiting to see which of it we would end up being able to enjoy.

The pictures were absolutely beautiful to us. So many different ways to build a cabin, and so many different stories surrounding the owners of the cabins pictured. A lot of them were very inspirational to us...

We decided that we wanted our home to be able to still function normally if we were to ever find ourselves without power. So we began to make plans, concerning our home, to make it possible...and that's where the wood cookstove came into the picture. This would make it possible for us to live normally without power. We could heat water for baths...cook and bake...and it would make my kitchen nice and warm in the cold weather.

I never thought that my husband would be trying to find me one though. He's the sort to just want a written list (or the help of a very attentive 14yo boy) to help him decide what to buy for me. That, in itself, makes it very special to me.

But also, I consider it an "act of faith"...a symbol of my husband's faith in God's ability to help us see this happen.

Someitmes we become discouraged and cannot imagine how we are ever going to be able to build this "dream cabin home" with one income, 3 children currently, and seeking to adopt more. It seems totally impossible to do it without going into debt...or at least that it would take us working into old age to see it happen. But we know that God is the God of the impossible...and just as He made the way for us to own the land free and clear, He can make a way for us to have the finances to build this home in time for our children to be able to enjoy it.