Can I be honest, open and totally transparent today?  This is a long post, so please bear with me ..........

We started school today ... back to old habits that die hard ... for both of us.

My daughter has such a hard time listening and paying attention ... when we have school or devotional time as a family.  Why is that?  She can pay perfect attention to a movie or to her Breyer Horse catalog or a computer game or anything that she is interested in.  But school time?  Suddenly she has attention deficit disorder!

Honestly ... it makes me quite angry  and I find myself becoming downright mean when she gets this way.  It is so frustrating and I become impatient and irritable ... and then I say things that I don't mean or I say things in a way that I don't mean.  And I see her little face turn down toward the ground and her little eyes well up with tears.  I know that I am discouraging her, that I am exasperating her.  And yet it seems that I cannot stop.  Old habits die hard, or so they say ...

Doorposts has a little booklet entitled A Checklist for Parents that I really like.  It's very helpful for me have things spelled out and this little 10 page book spells things out for me:

These are just some of the questions under the 1st section - Love -

• Have I spoken words of love and blessing to my child?
• Did I show love with my actions?
• Did I treat my child the way I would want to be treated?
• Did I show loving compassion, comfort and support, remembering my child's young and foolish heart, or did I unduly correct her and expect more of her than she could perform?

Um .... the answers would be no.  There are more questions related to love, prayer, instruction, protection and provision, but I only wanted to use a few examples.

Anyway, this morning when I sent her to her room to adjust her attitude I began to cry.  I knew that I had messed up ... again.  "I can't do this!!" I cried out to the Lord.  He very sweetly said, "Yes, you can.  You need to relax.  You need to ease up on her.  Your expectations are too high."  And then I felt His presence so near that it felt as if someone lovingly wrapped their arms around me and gave me a huge hug.

Okay ... I can do this ... The Lord knows me and He tells me that I can do all things through Christ Who strenghtens me (Philippians 4:13). 

Why do I tell her all the time that I don't expect perfection, and yet I demand it of her anyway?  Why are my expectations so high?  Why am I so hard on her?  I don't really know, to be honest, I just know that I want to change and change for good, never to return to this place of ugliness.

So ... I'm breaking out For Instruction in Righteousness for myself.  The following is me writing as I am reading about being impatient & irritable and what the Lord has to speak to me about myself  ....

Love is not easliy provoked (1 Cor. 13:5);

Be patient with everyone (1 Thess. 5:14);

Be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to become angry (James 1:19);

for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. (James 1:20) ... I "bolded" this one because the Lord reminded me as I read this verse that my reactions like this to my daughter do not bring about the righteousness of God, which I desire for her in her life!

A fool's anger is known at once (Proverbs 12:16); add that to -

A fool always loses his temper, But a wise man holds it back. (Proverbs 29:11);

Okay, Okay ... I'm getting the picture now.  It always helps when I sit down and pull out the Word and begin to apply it.  Wait!  That reminds me .......

....... of our Bible lesson this morning!  We talked about the fruit of the Spirit and character traits (good and bad).  We talked about letting our lights shine before men so that they will see our good deeds and praise our Father in heaven (Matthew 5:16).  And we talked about James 1:22 - But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves. We talked about how, just like the Israelites had to apply the blood to their doorposts, so we have to apply God's Word to our lives.  Knowing what it says is not enough.

 ...

Father God, what a good God you are!  You are so gentle and kind and You speak words of truth to my heart.  Thank you so much for loving me and guiding me and keeping me! 

Please help me to hear Your word and to apply it.  I'm afraid that more often than not I delude myself ... I have much knoweldge, but I am not applying it!   Through the power of Your Holy Spirit, Lord help me apply your truth to my heart and my life.  Father, help me to let my light shine before men, especially my children.  I want them to see Jesus in me and to praise You. 

Please help me to be who you have called me to be!  I need your power and I need your grace to make it today.