Sep. 7, 2007
Death, thou shalt die!
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No, I don't remember what poem that's from. I'll look for it and post it later... sort of skimmed over it earlier. It's very deep. In any case, I overreacted quite badly in my last post. Please forgive my words. I left the house to talk with Heather with my guns drawn because I didn't understand. Mom and Heather and I sat down in an empty "parent" room (you can see in two of the three dance rooms through viewing windows, the third merely has the doorway) and talked it over, and I'm feeling much better- and quite ashamed of myself. Because of the modesty issue, Heather is going to allow me to wear solid (non-see through, that is) skirts, wrap around still, shorts, and a wrap on top because of the thing about either not wearing a bra or keeping the straps hidden- "invisible" straps are not allowed. I'm an exception, because of my modesty issues. Heather totally gets it. Right now, she wants me not to see the not being on pointe as her taking away my pointe shoes. She said something about not being sure about my ankles- which I understand. They aren't as strong as they could be. How's it going, chickies? (And dudes. ;)) Shoot, Luke, or unload that pistol. |
Sep. 6, 2007
All right. It's been too long..
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Computer... yeah. I'm not even going to talk about it. I'm on the computer at my work right now. Anyhow, life's grand. Started ballet again (level 4/5), with two regular and two pointe classes a week, but might be just the two and one pointe class (or none at all. I am NOT happy with my new teacher. I've been working on pointe for NINE (count em) months now, as has Hannah. And Kaitlin says she's not going to have either of us on pointe for three weeks. Heather wants to get everyone up to the same level.... HELLO? I have been busting my rear end for nine months to get as far as I have (and not bragging here, but letting you know where I am- I've gotten really far, because I've worked extremely hard. Both for pointe and doing pointe.) I'm coming up on six years of ballet total. I did not come this far to be told "Oh, well everyone's going to get up to the same level before I let you back up on pointe." ..... Whatever. I'm hesitant to do a whole lot of pointe at home because I don't want to learn any bad habits without an instructor there. Mom and I are going to call Nicole (maternity leave- she's having her little boy in a week (allegedly ;))!! Exciting. ^_^ She's my most treasured and favored dance instructor.) and talk with her about it... I'm not happy. At all. It's a waste of mum's money and my time. I do the excersized that we did today at home. Nearly every day. It's just infuriating. In any case, I won't be in those two classes any longer, I don't think. I'm probably going to switch to the Friday evening Pointe instead of the two that I'm taking right now (the two are each fifteen minutes long, right after my regular classes, while the one of Friday evening is thirty minutes long, so I wouldn't be losing anything other than taking the two fifteen-minute classes with my friend, who might be switching over as well. I'm going to call her and talk to her after I talk with Nicole), which is fine with me. Why, you may ask? Because I'm going to be starting Tennis!! Sometime.... Anyhow. They start just as my pointe (or lack thereof... oh, gee.... that sounded sarcastic, didn't it?) ends. Mom and I drove to the place where the lessons are held, and it would give me about five minutes to spend on bad traffic, or adjust my clothing or shoes, or do whatever. Lovely. ^_^ Dad was supposed to teach me how to play, but has hurt his ankle (poor dad =[ ), so that's off for now. The lessons are fairly priced and the guy is supposed to be very good. Mom and I went Tennis clothes shopping yesterday. Went to the sporting goods store and just about walked out because of the clothes being brand name (which I don't mind), but being such, they had the price tag that came along with that embroidered logo. ;) You pay for the brand, not the clothing... So we ran over to a clothing store where we had both seen athletic clothing, and I got a pair of shorts, crops (like... capri's, almost, but a little longer...) and a shirt. All black, which probably isn't that great of a choice considering the courts are outdoors, but it's late in the day and quite an agreeable temperature now (we're cooling down pretty fast. It was like.... ninety today! Amazing, huh??), so I think I'll be fine. Hoping to get a Tennis skirt sometime soon. But longer than the average... Went on a Tennis clothing site, and saw a skirt by Nike that I absolutely ADORE.... but it's like fourty five dollars or something (ouch!). If I see it at the sporting goods store when I go next time, and can try it on and see how it fits and feels and everything, I might shell out the money... but otherwise I don't think so. http://www.tennis-warehouse.com/descpageWANIKE-NWBSSK.html - link to the page http://rs.tennis-warehouse.com/tw/ProductImages/NWBSSK-BK.JPG - picture of the skirt I'll post again when I have something. -Clarice |
Aug. 25, 2007
Well, it's been a while, hasn't it?
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Having computer problems.... had to format the harddrive, and I'm trying to figure out the problem. I'll post when I get it up and running again.
Love you all! |
Aug. 16, 2007
And tagged again.. and again... and again. ;)
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What is your first name? Clarice What does your name mean? "Clear, Bright, and Famous" If you could change your first name, what would you change it to? No... wouldn't change it.. when I was little, I wanted to change it to "Candace" or "Canvas" or something.. What is your middle name? Michelle What is the story behind your username? "Hopeful"? So many things I hope for. And recently (like... this week) I've come to realize that that is all I've been doing. Hoping. ~personal~ Do you have any unreasonable fears? If so, what? Umm... not that I can think of offhand. What are your hobbies? So many... photography, dancing, singing, reading, playing with children, watching children play, etc etc.. What is your goal in life? I used to have a whole lot... right now, I want to get through school and marry a Christian man who loves me. What is something that you want to accomplish? I want to excel in whatever career I choose. What do you like least about yourself? My self-depreciation. Oh, you meant physically? Um.. Actually, I think I like everything. :) Perhaps the frizzyness of my hair.. =P If you could change something about the way you look, what would you change? A lot of people would put something about their face or their legs or something in here. Or to be overall skinny. But I don't know that I would change anything. Describe your personality the best you can. I'm a good listener, and fiercely loyal to my friends. Basically, if you go look up "ISFJ" you'll find my personality. They nailed it on the head. What is your definition of a true friend? A true friend cannot be defined. ~people~ Who do you serve? My God. People-wise.. I think everyone I can, really. Who do you fear? Depends. Who do you love? Many people. Who do you respect? Everyone is worth respecting until they prove that they aren't. Who do you imitate? Ummm. No one specifically. Who do you like to hang out with most? Quintin and Billy and I all get along famously. ~Would you rather~ Read a book or hang out with friends? Both. Be inside or outside? Inside, usually. Run or walk? Depends. Walk fast or walk slow? Depends. Get lost or get kidnapped? Lost, I think. Learn by example or learn by doing? By doing. Be poor and live long or be rich and die young? I'm not sure. |
Aug. 15, 2007
I've been TAGGED!
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But I'm not going to tag anyone else.. y'all have that job. =P Tag Rules: 1).The player starts with eight random facts about herself or himself. 2).The person who is tagged must post on his or her own blog his or her answers and post the rules first. 3).Then the player must pick eight people and tag them. Also leave them a comment that lets them know that you tagged them. You can write who you tagged on your blog also!
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Aug. 8, 2007
A bit scary...
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Dealt with a flash of anger earlier while I was driving home. It was over something stupid, that shouldn't have even caused anger in me. (If you know me, you know that, unless you're my brother, it's not all that easy to provoke my anger (things, situations upset me, but people in general I won't get very upset with. Unless the person is making the same mistakes over and over and not trying to fix the situation...), and even less easy to get me to really act upon it.) Driving home, I felt a sort of wish to crash the car lingering somewhere in my head. I didn't, obviously. Last Tuesday was just fine for me, thank you very much. (Brakes failed; God was watching over my father and I..) Another reason I refused to was because, really, I feared upsetting people, and hurting my mother and brother, who were in the car with me. And crashing my mother's car just seemed wrong... =P If I crash a car, it should be my own. Which I don't want to do.. But.... I don't think it was about crashing the car. I think it was about the pain I would inflict upon myself. I've felt so emotionless for a while now... I do feel emotion. Lots of emotion, but at the end of the day, it's like I have nothing left.. and the emptiness that I feel is just that. An emptiness. Woke up at ten to seven and got dressed quickly to head over to my aunts' house since she called and asked my mom to bring me over to watch her girls while her husband took her to the doctors (she's dealing with some medical problems right now), and we stopped for dough nuts on the way there.. The kids were quite happy about that. ;-) SO, we got there about seven-fourty-five-ish, Nini and Ivan left, and I popped in a movie since Ashley wasn't up yet, but the two younger ones were up and at 'em (Sarah had been up from the getgo, the youngest had just gotten up), pushed play and went into the kitchen and poured Milk into a glass for Heather and put a dough nut on a plate for her, and went back into the living room to watch the movie with my mother. ("The Perfect Man" .... um. Heather Locklear (think that's her last name....) and Hilary Duff. Don't remember the guy's name.) I've seen the movie before, but I still loved watching it. :-) About... hm. Almost ten... had to be almost ten... I crashed on the smaller of the two couches and barely moved until it was time to leave. (I guess I should have said that I finally fell asleep about two thirty with a headache and a stomach-ache. So I was pretty tired.. on the plus side, I woke up feeling good!) After leaving, Mom and I went and grabbed something for lunch, then she dropped me off at work. Chelsea and Katie came to church again! They've been coming more frequently now that they've settled into their new house; the three of us were talking after church (I had taken my camera, so the lot of us ('cept Chris and Jeff) had been goofing off and taking pictures), and they asked me for prayers. Made plans with Chelsea to meet her at Starbucks tomorrow, and I told her to bring Katie. Just the three of us (unless Mom comes back to be with us, if Sally isn't at the Salle), which really is what all of us need right now. We've drifted apart, and need to get closer again. Both told me earlier this evening that they're going to break up with their boyfriends (poor Katie... she's really broken up over this. Been with the guy for Fourteen months, but she knows it's the right thing to do, and everyone is telling her she needs to. Going to find out more... No idea what's with C.J. and Chels, though.), and Kate is planning on doing that tomorrow. Amanda said she's going to ask her mom if she can come to my recital... I'm excited! We've been working really hard on this dance. But we won't be able to have a dress rehearsal AT the high school. Just can't. Maybe if Hannah and I both get there before the show starts, we can scope out the stage... We were told our classroom was about the same size, but you never know..... Today, all in all, went really well... so why am I wanting to cry? |
Aug. 1, 2007
For someone who aspires to be a Mortician...
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I sure have trouble talking to people who are close to me about deaths in their lives. I just want to hold him right now, hug him and let him know I'm here for him.. |
Jul. 31, 2007
Some new revelations made this week + The Good Old Days
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As most of you know, Mom left on the 11th to go to Houston, met up with a Mission group and left there on the 12th for Ukraine. After nearly three weeks of being Motherless, I will once again be able to hold her tightly, tell her how much I love her and goof off with her again. Dad has these shoes from the 70's, with the four inch heels, that should fit Jeff. So we went around looking for some platform shoes for *me*, and finally found them. Cute things... I'll post pictures of them if I take any. Tomorrow, Jeff and I are going to wear those shoes when we get out of the car to greet our Mother, we'll both be quite a bit taller. I should be about my Mother's height... Things change when you're not looking... =P About mid-month, I had a sort of mental-breakdown. I think it had to do with the fact that I was exhausted and hadn't slept well for a few days (couple hours a night), hadn't stopped to eat anything that day (all right, I lie. I had barely eaten a thing the past couple days), my legs gave out while I was grabbing towels out of the bathroom to shove in the washing machine and I just sat there on the floor, with my legs in the most painful, awkward positions, and cried. I hate doing that. And I hate the fact that I hate myself when I break down, when I fall beneath the load that I take upon myself, telling myself that I'm strong enough, that I can do this alone, and everything doesn't go according to the plans that I, Clarice, have made, I become frustrated. Angry. Upset. The episode of not sleeping/eating/losing strength while doing something or after doing something is nothing new with me. I need to learn to rely more on others, and I need to learn to rely on God. He knows I've pushed Him away, being the stubborn child that I am, wanting to do everything by myself (remember wanting to tie your own shoes?) and not wanting help, not accepting any help that is offered. I'm getting back to asking.. I haven't prayed, I mean really prayed, in a while. Heartbroken pleas sent to him. Short prayers of thanksgiving. But I haven't talked to Him in a while. Thinking the past few days, I've come to the conclusion that I've been really angry. Not angry and upset. I mean... the sort of anger that comes from being deeply, deeply hurt. Maybe I feel this way because of things that have happened to my friends; more than once, I've screamed at myself, begging for an answer to why was I not there? Why was I not able to protect this person? When in reality, I didn't know what was going on. I didn't know that I needed to be there with someone. I didn't know. And I can't get past that. I can't get past what I haven't done, what I should have done. What I have done? The good shows up along with the bad when I recount things that have gone on the past hour, day, week, month, year.. but they get shoved to the back. Raising their hands, they jump to be seen, but I ignore them. If you know me, you know I don't toot my own horn. I don't like being put in the spotlight; too shy for that. Everyone else... boy. I have them fooled. They have me pegged as this outgoing, charming young Christian woman who is SO on fire for her Savior. I wish I was all of that. I used to be... Growing up, I was surrounded by boys. Boys. I think I might have had three girl friends. If that. Naturally, I became a tomboy. I went from disliking dirt to living in it; I remember Jeff and Austin and I would dig out these huge holes, and we'd play random games with each other, and catch lizards in our backyard. I remember Nick and Jeff and I would watch Golden Eye at Nick's house, and then we'd reenact the movie- with our own twists, of course. (Funny story... remind me to tell it later.. Nick and Maggie and myself... xD) We always played Spy games, Cops-n-Robbers games. Games of pretend. We'd all ride our bikes around each others' yards, making sure to stay away from the road. Always in the back yards (all three houses had back yards and "back-back" yards; all six were put to good use, as were any dirty "abandoned" cars unfortunate enough to be in our sight, locked or unlocked), except for the rare days that we would ride around and around and around our driveway, which creates a sort of figure eight, or an oval. Depending how you look at it. Nick.... I remember he threatened to tell my mom that I had watched something to do with Rugrats (Jeff and I had been forbidden to watch the cartoon)... think it was some video game... not sure... in any case, he threatened to tell my mother if I went home before he said I could. Little control freak, no? =P Inevitably, Nick moved away with his Mom and siblings, and the two of us lost contact for many years.. Imagine my surprise when I heard he had moved back into town. I called and arranged for Jeff and I to go spend the afternoon with Nick, and that went rather well. He came over here to our house, and things were back to normal. Or normal for thirteen-year-old boys. They played Yu-Gi-Oh! for part of the afternoon spent here, while I cleaned my room since I had nothing better to do and dislike the card game. Nick cornered me in my room, and had that look in his eyes, as if he were wanting to kiss me, or worse. Kissing would have been bad enough as we were friends, and I considered him as a brother. Awful way for a thirteen year old to act towards his childhood best friend, isn't it? In retrospect, I wonder why I didn't slip past him (I had had a door behind and to my left. Though it may have been blocked...), or something. Then he grabbed me by the waist, pulled me towards him and began to tickle me mercilessly. We laughed it off and went on with our lives. Haven't heard from him in about two or three years now.. he has no excuse, really. I live at the same address, and the phone hasn't changed in probably over twenty years. I'd love to hear his excuses... his mother is in contact (or was?) with my aunt, so there's another way to get ahold of me. Perhaps he just doesn't care anymore. Perhaps I don't care anymore. And... wow. I went off on quite the tangent there. In any event, it's two in the morning and I have to be up early. Before I go to bed, I have some things I need to clean up. So I will bid you all good night, or good morning. However you look at it. Please pray for my friend Grace. She's struggling with a lot right now. -Clarice |
Jul. 30, 2007
So I sent out a message to some people from Bible Camp....
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about a possible sketch we could perform next year. Acted out to Lifehouse's "Everything." http://www.youtube.com/wat It's about a girl who is strong in her Faith (apparently?), but then gets drawn away from Jesus by various things: A guy takes her away from her faith. She reaches for Jesus, but then she's sent on to the next fall; greed. Then... um. Hm. I think acohol is the next one. Then the media (she acts out making herself throw up), then a "Demon" comes last, handing her a knife, and instructing her to cut herself (I'm thinking ketchup? That would spread easily), and then hands her a gun later (we could paint a squirt gun black), which she almost shoots herself with, but then throws away and starts to run to Jesus, and the "bad things" grab her and throw her back, away from Him. She keeps trying, keeps trying, and then finally they throw her to the ground and continue to claw at her. Jesus then pushes his way through the small crowd and holds them back so she can get on her feet. They struggle against Him, but he throws them back, and they are no longer a problem. The girl and her Savior begin to dance once more (I was thinking about the Footsteps poem the whole time I watched this sketch), hug, and walk offstage. I think this would really hit home to a lot of people; I know it hit me in the gut. I related to most of those struggles. As teens, we want everything now, we don't want to wait. We want what WE (the human) think is best for us. But in the end, we realize that we CAN'T do it without Him (the Creator), that we need him to help us through everything. We MISS that taste of Heaven on Earth that we got from being with Him. Our souls yearn for his company, we know that there is something more, something BETTER, and when we acknowledge that, we realize (hopefully) what we've done, and what we need to do. God bless. _________________________________ Lyrics: Lifehouse- "Everything" Find Me Here Speak To Me I want to feel you I need to hear you You are the light That's leading me To the place where I find peace again. You are the strength, that keeps me walking. You are the hope, that keeps me trusting. You are the light to my soul. You are my purpose...you're everything. How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you? Would you tell me how could it be any better than this? You calm the storms, and you give me rest. You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall. You steal my heart, and you take my breath away. Would you take me in? Take me deeper now? How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you? Would you tell me how could it be any better than this? And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you? Would you tell me how could it be any better than this? Cause you're all I want, You're all I need You're everything,everything You're all I want your all I need You're everything, everything. You're all I want you're all I need. You're everything, everything You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything. And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you? Would you tell me how could it be any better than this? How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you? Would you tell me how could it be any better than this? Would you tell me how could it be any better than this? Would you tell me how could it be any better than this? * * * * * * * * SO, I was out of town today and couldn't make it back for church here, so I called up Donna and asked if the teen group at her church was going to be doing anything, and she said they weren't. And then, I called back because we were going to go to the regular adult sermon, and Donna told me they were at Josh's house, and were going to be starting a Student-Led devotional soon. So we got Josh on the phone, and he gave us directions to his house, and so Jeff and I got there, and I walked out and was met with a chorus of "Heeeeey!"'s from the people who had been at camp. Wow, that felt good. =) Micah (he's going to be a Sophomore this fall) led it, and wow.. he did an amazing job. He's good at it, really. His older brother, Jordan, is an amazing speaker. Jordan is somewhat similar to myself personality-wise; he's sorta quiet unless he knows you pretty well, and then it's like you see this whole other side of him. It's great... Anyhow. Yeah... that's how I spent my evening. :) The Quinceanera went wonderfully. I didn't like the fact that I was in a strapless gown, but anyhow. I'm uploading the pictures to my Facebook. You can see them on there if you want. |
Jul. 27, 2007
I've been tagged!
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All right, here are the rules. 2. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts. ************************** 1: My favorite animals are : 2: My favorite colors are: 3:My hair is naturally a very dark brown with a goldish tint. Lately, though, it's been turning more towards red.. 4: I used to be deathly afraid of the dark. Now, I don't mind it, unless I feel a presence. Then I flip out. 5: Dance used to be my passion. Now it's another thing to do, but something I might have fun with once in a while. When I'm dancing off on my own, not constricted by the rules of ballet, that's when I feel the passion. I continue with ballet because everyone wants me to. 6: I love being alone, and yet I hate it. 7: I love flowers. But I can't take the scent of most lilies. Sends me into an allergy fit. 8: Sometimes, I doubt myself.
I tag: um. Whoever I tag... |
Jul. 27, 2007
Mae = love
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Told Caroline that, and she giggled. =P Oh well. I laughed, too. I've been looking around for their CD. Haven't been able to find a copy just yet... but in any case- what do you guys think of Mae? |
Jul. 25, 2007
We won last night..
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Keep your prayers coming, Warriors. *hugs to everyone* Hi, Kirsten!! Haven't talked in forever, I know! Where have you gotten yourself off to?  Report for the person who was asking about the insomnia stuff I took- I didn't find it hard to get to sleep, but I found it hard to settle down enough to want to sleep. Jordan gave me a very good lecture/lesson last night... Might post that sometime. About sleep.. =P In any case, I slept well, for the first time in weeks. I actually feel rested this morning... er... afternoon... I was out from 1:30ish-just before noon. But having had probably 2 hours of sleep in the past 24, I think that is to be expected.. How is everyone doing? |
Jul. 24, 2007
Insomnia meds..
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Got something from the health-food store for insomnia. This particular medicine/whatever it is is meant to help with insomnia due to stress or anxiety over a social crisis, etc... Just what the doctor ordered. Y_Y So, my dears, I will be getting to sleep at about 10:30PM instead of 4:00AM or, as it was yesterday/today, 10:30AM. >.> Goodnight. Please pray!! -Clarice |
Jul. 24, 2007
Grace...
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Please be praying for my friend Grace. She emailed two mutual friends saying goodbye, and there's a few of us trying to offer her hope and comfort. I love her so much, and it hurts me so terribly to see her hurting this badly. |
Jul. 24, 2007
Blackmail?
On the 27th, my recital pictures should be available ONLINE- lovely photographers used DIGITAL cameras this year. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! So yeah. I'll go on the site and buy the ones of the group and the ones of myself... They took three personals- a closeup, and two full-body poses. I'm excited to see what they look like!! (I saw them, but they were on this 2"x3" screen. =P) The group shot is going to be really nice. Except that I have my pointe shoes on... and I'm the only one. I didn't have time to change out of the shoes. Oops... Wow. There was a lot going on that morning. Haha. The tights that they ordered to go with my costume mysteriously disappeared, and not only them, but all of the adult-sized tights. So Beth and dad stretched out a pair of Child Mediums so that they would be long enough, and they were just barely long enough... What I found rather puzzling was that they fit well around me; thought I wasn't so thin...nice surprise. Goodness gracious. The shoot went well. I really, really, REALLY liked the photographers that were there. They were very sweet and talked with us, made us feel totally at ease. The guy that was taking pictures of me probably spent about seven minutes with me, trying to get the perfect shot. And he seemed happy with what he got, so I know I'll be happy. Left my pointe shoes (new and shiny and lovely ^_^) with Beth since she asked me last Friday (day before pictures) if she could borrow my shoes for the little ballerinas to take pictures with, so I'm going to get those back on Friday. Needing to reposition the elastic... so eek. I'll have to use my Serenades again. Those things are going to bite the dust soon... my very first pair of pointe shoes. haha. And um. Oh! This quinceanera is on the 28th- I'm excited, sort of... but not really. In any case, I'm wearing a strapless (not happy about that aspect) chocolate brown dress (seems like a Bridesmaid dress?). Floor length. Stunning... They gave me this scarf, chiffon I think, and told me that was my shawl to use in the church for "modesty". The thing couldn't give any modesty if it tried...  Anyhow.. Jeff is renting a matching tux, and we're going to get our pictures taken on Sunday. =) So I'll post those as well, I think... in any case, they'll all be on the Facebook, unless they turn out absolutely horrible..... -Reece |
Jul. 24, 2007
A bit worried...
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Haven't seen the dog in a few days.. Icons, oh the fun... For you, Caroline! =)   |
Jul. 23, 2007
Sigh..?
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I think I've been wondering all week if I'm headed towards a breakup.. Two months tomorrow. We will have been together for two months tomorrow. I know that we aren't, now, since we've talked it over and everything has been clarified. I can't begin to describe how in love with him I am. Seems almost silly... thinking I'm in love at almost sixteen years of age. He's my best friend, the one that I know I can be totally and completely open with. And here I go, hiding within myself again because of my insecurities. I trust him with everything; this is all me. All my flaws that are getting in the way. Can't help but think that I've pushed him away a little. I'm such an idiot. I've always been an idiot.. trusting people and then even though I know in my heart what is going on, my head gets in the way. Remembering bad things that have happened, having dealt with so many breakups within my group of friends, seeing the damage done by the people who gossiped behind their friends' backs. Everything.. Heh. If I were reading this, I would shake my head and tell the person that they needed to ditch the friends and find new ones with the same morals/etc... Thing is, I can't leave them. I can't abandon them. However much I disapprove of what they've done (tattoos, piercings, gossiping, backstabbing, etc), I would have to live with the knowledge that I'm probably the only person their age that has a really strong faith (that I know of), and that I left them without trying harder. I'd have to live with myself. And I wouldn't be able to. They have brought me down some, yes. My standards aren't as high as they once were- but their's aren't so low anymore, either. |
