Apr. 10, 2006 - So it's been awhile....
-- this describes me these past few months. It's been hectic around here. I found out that we are expecting our third child (due this fall) and haven't been feeling up to par lately. Morning sickness and an admitted bit of uncertainty about adding another blessing to the family. I know that God created this child. I know that He knows best. I have to just trust Him and rely on Him through this journey.
We've been so haphazard about school lately. And I'm feeling frustrated and sorry for myself. T wants to do school every day. He is 4.5 and is halfway through Abeka's first grade curriculum. I am torn about what to do next year; and whenever I try to ask for advice I get a ton of "he's only a little boy, don't push him, etc..." -- I don't push him. He pushes me. He has a hunger to learn. I feel practically abusive if I tell him we aren't doing school -- to him it's like taking away a privilege. So I don't talk about it IRL -- there's no point.
Hormones. I suppose my blue-ness is due to hormones. Just seems like I can't get my act together these days.
I've missed reading so many of ya'lls blogs. I'm going to go try to catch up a bit. BTW, Dh is doing dandy. He's trucking along on a gazillion cardiac meds, but He is really doing well. Thanks for all the good wishes and prayers!!
Feb. 5, 2006 - "it's not a widowmaker"
those were dh's cardiologist's words when he finished the cardiac cath last week. dh has occlusions in the 3 major coronary arteries, but they were all <70% blocked, which is the standard for putting in stents or a balloon. A small vessel coming around the back of the heart is 99% occluded, but they didn't feel it was worth the risk to stent it --- they felt that they may inadvertantly push the clot further into his heart. they said that with good overall heart function, when (not if, mind you) dh has a heart attack from that vessel, it will affect a small enough area of the heart that it won't be a widowmaker. i sat there dumbfounded at his words, but as a nurse, knew exactly what he meant. after all, i've used those words before. i've used all kinds of phrases that were, well, inconsiderate and impersonal.
anywyay, dh is home, all is well, and he is now on more meds that anyone his age should ever be. but God is good. He is in control. He has dh's days written down, and nothing can change that.
i do realize that i love my dh more than i thought. the remote idea that i could lose him shook me to my core. i am so lucky. so incredibly blessed.
go kiss up on you husbands, ladies. we don't have them forever.
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Jan. 24, 2006 - prayer
wow. it's been so long since i updated here. between mops starting up, finishing up house repairs from the hurricane, and just day to day life, i've had little time to just sit down by myself and blog.
dh is having a cardiac cath this friday. it's his second cath in 18 mos. he has a strong family hx of heart disease. his dad died at 51 of a massive MI; his granddad died at 49. dh just turned 49 on sunday.
i'm scared. i'm a nurse and know too much. i just want him to be around to see ouir boys grow into godly young men. i want to grow old with him. i want him to guide me, support me, and love me.
we have no additional life insurance. my days as a hs'ing sahm would come to an end and i fear i'd be abandoning my boys who would need me more than ever before.
i'm being morbid. i know the cardiologists will be able to repair whatever damage is there in the cath lab. i know this. after all, God is in control.
if you are reading this, pray for us. pray for my dh. just for a miraculous healing. pray for me. i need peace and assurance. pray fo rmy boys. they are worried. they are young, but today my 4 yr old asked me if daddy's heart was hurting. he told me he is praying the doctor can make it better.
Oh Precious Jesus, reach down from Heaven and lay your healing hands on my precious husband. Heal him, cleanse his arteries, strengthen his heart. Use this to draw us all closer to you. Comfort my sons with your peace. Wrap your arms around me and help me to feel your presence in a very real way.
In the precious name of Jesus, my Savior and Lord,
Amen.
Jan. 9, 2006 - a new week
and a new chance to maybe do a few things right! we are having cottage prayer groups at church and we offered our home for a meeting place. last night we had 12 over and had an awesome time of prayer. dh said he's never so palpably felt God's presence in our home. it was a wonderful time with good friends. i don't know why i don't open my home more. i love having others over but i tend to be so worried aobu the house. i'm always reminding myself of paul's admonition to "practice hospitality." i am just not gifted in that area. that is another thing I plan on working on this year.
T is in the living room as i write this having his "quiet time" --- he is reading genesis in his new big boy bible (not a story bible) and i am thrilled to hear him embracing God's word. (i just heard him tell G not to turn the tv on because he's having his quiet time. how precious is that?!)
we're down to one car. dh's car is dead. it's a tough change to make, esp. since i have so much going on this week. i'm starting the new beth moore study tomorrow and we start mops up again this week. (i'm the coordinator). we'll be studying "shepherding a child's heart".
somewhere in there i need to find time for school.
it may be more of an unschooling week, much to T's dismay. he prefers structure. i need to find a balance. maybe i'm being selfish for scheduling things during the day when we should be learning. hmmm......now that's something to consider.
Jan. 2, 2006 - new year's resolutions
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to have a consistent quiet time every morning
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to exercise at least 5 days a week
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to share my faith with at least 5 people this year
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to do everything 'as unto the Lord'
Jan. 2, 2006 - pity party is over...
after a few days of feeling sorry for myself, i decided this morning to snap out of it and get a grip. we started school back up today and then the boys and i went to the park (it was 80 degrees here today) and they ran and played for an hour.
i'm still reading 'the excellent wife' and we're preparing to start a mom's bible study on 'shepherding a child's heart' which i've read a gazillion times. the tuesday morning ladies bible study group at church is staring the new beth moore study next week and i'm dying to go, but we have mops starting up again and that would be 3 mornings a week that we'd miss school. so i'm trying to come up with a way to manage without missing too much 'school time' --- then it occurs to me -- why do we have to do school in the a.m.? could we do afternoons? hmm...might be easier w/ the two year old napping anyway. something to think about......
Dec. 26, 2005 - Guilt. Fear. Doubt. Love....
Absolutely no doubt about it. God is good. He is faithful. He is loving, merciful, and gracious. I know He loves me. He has richly blessed me and gifted me.
O how I love you, Jesus!
And yet......I am so, well, sad. Down. Depressed. Lonely. I feel guilty saying it. I feel guilty telling even God that. Yet He knows. He knows me. Praise the Lord, He knows me.
I think it's that we finally are finished with our home repairs. We are totally finished. We nearly lost our home in Hurricane Katrina and have spent the last several months busily, frantically, getting our home liveable again. We have dealt with insurance, FEMA, Red Cross, and contractors. We have shopped for flooring and furniture and paint. We have worked so hard and been so busy and exhausted that we haven't had time to stop and consider what had happened. Our children have been acting out and having nightmares and tantrums. And now here we are, and dh and I find ourselves downright depressed. WHY? We still have a home. We didn't lose everything like so many of our friends. We have so much to be thankful and grateful for. Again...guilt. I have no right to be down because I have a house and I can name 10 friends off the top of my head that are in FEMA trailers right now.
But reality is sinking in. I don't have anything to keep my mind occupied like I did. We've settled with insurance and FEMA. There are no more phone calls, no more waiting on mail. no more painting or building or negotiating or fixing....just back to "normal" life. And now T is talking. He's four and he's talking about what happened. About his fears. About his losses. About his friends that don't have homes. About hurricanes and God and what if....
And I guess I"m wondering the same thing. I'm scared too. I'm scared to death that it'll happen again and maybe next time we won't get so lucky. I'm scared that we won't be able to afford another disaster like this.
I"m really scared that my faith is so weak after God has proven so powerfully that HE is in control. Complete sovereign control.
Forgive me, precious Lord, for having such doubt and fear. Who was it that said "worry is just a nice word for 'unbelief' " --- I think it was Anne Graham Lotz. No matter ---- I am guilty of unbelief. I totally *get* what the man said to Jesus : "I believe....help my unbelief!"
Father God, forgive me for my unbelief. Forgive me for my guilt, my doubt, my worries, and my fears. I know that I know that I know that You alone are sovereign, merciful, mightly, and abounding in grace. I know you spared my family and my home for a reason. I know that I have no reason to fear. Oh how I love you, Lord.
Forgive me.
Dec. 19, 2005 - The Excellent Wife....
I am not
--- but I want to be! The book is incredibly convicting. I can't read a single chapter without having to reassess everything in my life it seems. But I know that I am changing. I want to be the woman that God created me to be. I want to love my husband the way I am called to love him. I really want to be a "keeper at home" and keep my house actually manageable. I want to be so many things....but all I can do is get up every day and ask the Lord to guide me. Some days I know He calls me to do a lot of housekeeping. Other days he calls me to spend every single moment playing with my boys. Some days he calls me to call on a friend or a neighbor and offer encouragement or a helping hand. Each day I have to go to him first -- to find out what is on HIS agenda for me, not what's on my schedule. (oh, who am I trying to kid? I don't have a schedule!)
Thank you precious Lord for your guidance and your presence in my life. Help me to seek you in everything I do. Help me to become the wife, the mother, the friend, and the woman that you created me to be.....
Dec. 16, 2005 - ahh....peace and quiet
I've been struggling to have quiet in the mornings for my quiet time with God. It seems like no matter how early I get up, someone always pads into the room wanting to sit on my lap, nurse, and then asking, "Is it time for breakfast?" While all that is cute and fuzzy, my times with the Lord were honestly suffering.
This morning I woke up at 5:30 and the 2 year old woke w/ me. I took him in and put him in bed with dh and snuck out. I put on a pot of coffee, did the dishes from last night (ugh. I hate when I don't do them at night!) and sat down and had a blissfull and fulfilling time with Jesus. I read, drank coffee, and journaled my prayers and then found, after over an hour, that still no one was up!! Can you say "Praise the Lord!!" So here I am, jotting down a blog
I'm reading "The Excellent Wife" and the Holy Spirit has convicted me in unbelieveable ways. I also got the latest issue of "Above Rubies" yesterday and it had some humbling articles about servanthood and homemaking. I have such a long way to go.....but when I am weak, Christ's strength can show up and it will be evident to all watching that it is Christ in me, the hope of glory.
Hallelujah!
Dec. 13, 2005 - we are living a 'seinfeld' episode...
We had four friends drive down 15 hours to lay a floor for us and do some work for a few of our friends who are in the process of rebuilding and repairing their homes (post hurricane Katrina). These are super guys. We've been friends of theirs for years and were thrilled that they offered to come down.
They arrived on Thursday and I took the boys to my aunt's house (2 hours away) for the weekend so they wouldn't be "in the way".
I spoke to dh several times over the weekend and he said things were going really well. He said they were having a great time, working hard, and laughing a lot.
So the boys and I come home on Sunday afternoon and I walk in the house via the laundry room and am immediately struck with an odor....hmmm...I can't put my finger on it but it really seems, well, gross.
DS goes into his bathroom and comes out saying, "Mama, what is that smell in my bathroom?" Ok, now I'm on the hunt. His bathroom *reeks* and I can pretty quickly pinpoint the cause: b.o. 
As I go through the house I am confronted by the foul odor in each room, except for the master bedroom. Dh pulls me aside and explains that one of our friends opted not to shower since his arrival. Keep in mind these guys were laying floors, hanging sheetrock, hanging doors, and removing debris from about 9 every morning until 10 or 11 at night. Dh said the other guys showered as soon as they came home at night, but this one opted not to. I guess he was on vacation from bathing? Dh politely called him "hygenically challenged"
So now the odor has attached itself to the house. I have gotten the smell out of much of the house, but the guest room is still under the attack of the b.o. -- we went out to buy a Christmas tree to celebrate getting a floor (after 3 mos on a concrete slab) -- let's hope the scent of fresh pine will overpower the potent b.o. ions 
Dec. 6, 2005 - ramblings on a tuesday...
Hurricane Katrina was three months ago. I can't believe that. In some ways it seems like it was only yesterday; other ways it seems like our lives have been so surreal for a long time. Things are improving - no doubt about that, but it's still strange. Few of our friends and neighbors are home. Most of them of course don't have a home to go to. So many aren't even planning on coming back. We've done a ton of work on our home and it's finally beginning to be "home" again. We'll get a floor put in this week and we've ordered some furniture that we will hopefully have next week. I am so thankful that we didn't have to toally gut our house. We have so much to be thankful for. I hate that I complain about so many things when in fact so many have it so much worse. On August 29, our lives changed forever. Nothing is the same. We view everything differently now. Furniture. I mean, before katrina, we had discussed getting new furniture. We had looked around, priced items, and it was a huge deal. we figured we were spending a lot of money for something we'd have a long time, so we needed to be sure to get good quality furniture. hahaha. it doesn't matter if we spent $25 ore $2500. when salt water comes pouring into your living room, it is going to destroy whatever is in it's path. things are just things. stuff is just stuff. floors are replaceable. our faith, our family, our friends, our church home.....that's all that matters. that's it.
Dec. 5, 2005 - 7 things...
7 Things I want to do before you die :
go to europe
learn to play the piano well
see my children grow up to be godly young men
do a mission trip with my family
read a dickens novel straight through (i can never make it through one!)
speak a foreign language fluently
make up with my mother
7 Things I can't do
play the piano well :)
whistle
sing on key
make decent cornbread stuffing
keep my house clean
wean my two year old :)
lose weight
7 Things that attract me to my husband
his eyes
his forearms
his intelligence
his humor
his faith and humility
his love for our children
he thinks i'm beeee-autiful :)
7 Things I say most often
i love you
what are you doing, boys?
why did you do that?
what does ephesians 6:1 say?
i need some coffee
no you don't need to nurse right now!
just five more minutes...
7 Books I love
the Bible
pride and prejudice - austen
to kill a mockingbird --lee
little women --alcott
all the little house books --ingalls-wilder
outlander--gabaldon
shepherding a child's heart -- tripp
7 Movies I watch over and over
an affair to remember
sleepless in seattle
you've got mail
when harry met sally
dirty dancing
white christmas
to kill a mockingbird
7 People I want to join me on this
don't know enough -- so will go out and hopefully make some new friends :)
Dec. 5, 2005 - santa~~or not?
today in my mom's bible study group, we discussed the inevitable topic that comes up every christmas. to "do" santa or not. i don't know the answer. when dh and i first had kids, we discussed it and my opinion was that i didn't want to do santa. he wanted to however, and so i agreed, though i did have reservations. here we are four years later and i think he's getting to the point (spiritually) that he regrets introducing santa to the boys. i don't know that it's possible in this culture to avoid santa altogether.....you can't even go to the grocery store without seeing his picture plastered all over the place.
we are doing a pretty good job of keeping the focus on Jesus, not on st.nick. still, t can't wait for santa to come and leave him presents. after discussing it with these other eight women, i've realized that we all do it differently. we all tell our kids something totally different. and ti am basically lying to my boys. i tell them that if they're "good" that a man named santa will come to our house and leave them presents. how utterly silly.
rambling today. just have a lot on my mind.
on a good note: insurance check came in and we get floors next week!!
and we even got a good deal on some furniture. after living the past three weeks w/ no furniture and cement floors, i'm thrilled to have these luxuries in time for Christmas!!! Thank you God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dec. 1, 2005 - 'outlander' by diana gabaldon
i'm stuck in a reading rut. i think i've read "shepherding a child's heart" perpetually for six months.
~ one would assume i would be able to retain what i've learned and not have to keep going back to it. i have a very sleep deprived brain ~~ well, at least that's my excuse.
diana gabaldon has been recommended by several friends. now let me be the first to say that i dislike sci fi, fantasy, time travel, and all that out of this world jazz. i do like classic lit -- jane austen is a genius to me. anyway, my point is that i checked out the outlander at the library today. i took it to bed while laying w/ my youngest to get him to sleep, and i looked at the cover jacket and became so overwhelmed i put it back.
~~~ let's just say i feel like maybe stuart little is more on my level at this point.
any gabaldon fans that can encourage me to give it a try?
Dec. 1, 2005 - advent
today was a usual day. school, storytime at the library, and then off to lifeway to buy an advent calendar. (though advent officially started; i'm just uber late getting going
.) i stuffed the calendar with a hershey's kiss for each of the boys and two prayer slips -- one with a family member's name on it and one with a person that is meaningful to the boys (friends, ss teachers, pastors, etc..). it's a new tradition that we're debuting this year 
g has a fever tonight and is miserable. he keeps wanting to nurse but dosen't seem to have the energy to really do it, so i'm doing a lot of cuddling with him. he fnally drank some o.j. so i know he isn't dehydrating.
i need to get organized and get this house cleaning done. we have a contractor coming on monday to lay a floor for us --- i seriously need to get off my booty and get with it.
Nov. 30, 2005 - Getting started...
11/30/05
Today school went well. T amazes me with how easily he picks things up. He's only four and doing first grade work. He blows my mind sometimes. G is two and still nursing. Like Pavlov's dogs, once school begins, G just wants to nurse. If I say no, wait, he throws a tantrum that lasts forever. It is getting really frustrating.
On the homefront, I'm getting over my anxiety about dh taking over bills. I've done it for so long and felt like he needed to do it. There has always been a reason why he couldn't/didn't. Namely, he works so much that he doesn't have the time. Then I realized that I was having serious control issues and was afraid for him to take over. That would mean I'd have to actually explain why I can go to Wal Mart for one thing and come out spending $80. 
Right now I'm stressing about getting the housework done. I checked out Motivated Moms and was feeling really empowered last night. Then of course morning came and after my quiet time (extraordinarily convicting) and getting breakfast for everyone, doing school, etc... now it's 10 a.m. and I'm still in my pj's and leaning more toward taking a nap with G than actually cleaning anything.
