I just wanted to say how thankful I am to a very generous Freecyler in my area. I received from her 3 BIG boxes full of Calvert curriculum materials and children's books. Thank you, Chris!

If you don't know what Freecycle is you can go to freecycle.org to learn more and find a group in your area. I highly recommend it!

This turned out longer than I thought it would. I'm mostly writing this for my own benefit, as a way to sort my feelings and be able to deal with all of these emotions. I've never lost a child before so this is all new. I feel I need to write this story and I will print it for Amara's memory box. Also, the meaning of her name, Amara Angelique, is eternal angel.

I should start by saying that I knew something wasn't right and the morning of my 20 week ultrasound (Tues. July 8th, 2008) I told my dh before he went to work that I expected some bad news because something felt wrong. I was 20 weeks and still hadn't felt the baby kick. The night before the ultrasound I had a dream that I was to name my dead baby and some names went running through my head for a little while. I woke up crying but still this did not prepare me for what I was about to find out. As I laid on the table waiting to see some movements or a heart beat I started feeling sick and finally asked the tech. if my baby was dead. She said she had to go get the dr. They looked again at my baby lying there so still on the monitor and I knew he/she was gone. They couldn't tell the gender from the u/s that day but did say that the baby stopped growing at about 17-18 weeks. The dr was kind and allowed me the decision to do a D&C or be induced. I didn't have to think twice about choosing the induction. I needed to see my baby with no harm done to his/her body.

We had to wait until my dh could take a day off from his new job so we scheduled the induction for Friday, July 11th. The days between the 8th and the 11th were both difficult and a blessing as I tried to stay busy (not too hard to do with six children at home) so I didn't have to think too much about the baby inside of me. The wait gave me extra time for the reality to sink in and also gave dh and I time to chose boy and girl names, called the funeral home and make arrangements for the baby's body, and prepare to say goodbye to our baby.

Early Friday morning we left for the hospital. Induction was started at about 7:30am using inserted Cytotec pills and since I had a previous c-section (baby #5, due to breech and 8 days past due date) the dr didn't want to be aggressive and decided to go with a low dosage but also said he wasn't very worried since baby #6 was a successful vbac. If everything went quickly I was told I could go home the same day after a few hours of monitoring (in case of hemmorage.)  Everything went well throughout the morning, afternoon and into the evening, which was good because it gave dh and I some alone time which we lack at home. My sister came to visit for a short time and then later my mom stopped in for a few minutes before leaving to pick up our children and bring them to her house to stay overnight since it was getting late and I would have to spend the night afterall. I was thinking maybe the dr should try a higher dose to get things going quicker. I did end up with a fever from the Cytotec which made me shake uncontrollably but I was happy about that because I figured I was close to delivery. Finally at 6:30 the other dr that came on duty came in to check on me and she broke my water. I told dh that I thought the baby would be out by 7:30pm. I was expecting to feel some painful contractions like in my live births but they never got more painful than a moderate cramping so dh and I tried to just relax and be patient.

At about 7:05 a nurse came in to see how I was feeling and check on my fever and blood pressure, etc. I was sitting comfortably in the bed with a few blankets because the fever made me feel cold. I told her that I really wasn't feeling much of anything as far as contractions and just then I felt something strange down below (now I know it was her tiny little head crowning) then my body instinctively gave a push and I knew the baby was out. I said to the nurse, "I just had it!" and she said, "What? A contraction?" Then I told her that no, it was the baby. Dh was just sitting there looking confused so I told him I just had the baby! I looked at the clock while the nurse was pulling back the blankets to see if I was right and it was 7:10pm but she wrote on her 'official' papers that the baby came at 7:12. Not that it really makes any difference except for my own memories of the day.

From that point everything seemed to happen so quickly although I want to remember every second. At some point the other nurses were informed of what had happened and the room became busy. They checked the baby to find she was a girl. Then she was checked to see if the cause of death could be determined and it was evident that the umbilical cord close to her body had somehow become twisted tight so that it was very thin compared to the rest of the cord which was thick and healthy-looking. We were asked if we wanted to hold her and we said yes. Dh and I took some pictures ourselves and we had the nurse take pics of the 3 of us. We spent some time, not sure how long exactly, just looking at her and crying and praying. We later let the nurses take her to get hand and footprints and the hospital pictures taken for us. I needed to see her once more before I could let her go forever so she was brought back to us for a few more minutes.

After the nurse took our baby's body for the last time my dh left to spend the night with the children at my mom's house. I got a shower and got ready for bed. The dr gave me a sleeping pill so that I could sleep through the night (the previous couple nights were filled with sad/bad dreams and crying so I was grateful for one night's sleep.) Saturday morning dh brought our youngest (ds, 21 months) to come pick me up and I was so glad to not have to walk out those doors with empty arms. I carried my little guy out of the hospital that morning, holding on to him tighter than his clinging little arms were wrapped around my neck.

As of today, my days are still filled with roller coaster-like emotions. I have moments of joy because I know that she IS and ALWAYS will be my baby and that she is in a much better place in the arms of Jesus while she waits for the rest of us to join her. I also feel a deep emptiness in my heart (and womb) when I think about how much I miss her although I barely knew her. I want her back! I know that can never be but knowing doesn't take the want away, if that makes any sense. I've been told it will get easier as the days go by and I although I know that is true it is hard to believe during my deepest moments of sadness.

Blessings,
Nadine

Our baby is now waiting for us in Heaven. My heart is in a thousand pieces right now but I know she wasn't meant to stay with us. I know the Lord has his reasons for sending her and then taking her away. My dh and I discussed at length all of the lessons we believe we are to learn from this experience. I'm working through all of the emotions and it is hard and painful but even through all of this I do PRAISE GOD for allowing us the blessing of knowing this baby for the short but extrememly PRECIOUS 20 weeks of carrying her in my womb.

I will try to get the birth story finished by tomorrow but I've added a picture in case anyone cares to see our beautiful baby. Sorry the quality isn't the best, this is a scanned copy of the hospital proofs printout. She really looks as though she is just sleeping.

--Nadine -mommy to 6 here and a tiny angel waiting in the arms of Jesus.

... 2 tiny baby feet! LOL. We're expecting blessing #7 in November. Our official EDD is 11/28/08 but since I tend to be about 10 days 'late' with my pregnancies I'm planning on an early December baby. Although I will most likely be 'late' again I would LOVE to have this baby in Nov. since we already have a Dec. baby (my firstborn.) I just think it would be nice for each of the children to have their own birth month and easier on the budget to only have one birthday per month (though we don't do big parties or extravagant gifts anyway.) We do have 2 birthdays in March and one each in July, September, October and December so far, plus mine in June and dh's in Feb.

I've been wanting to post this news and about some of the activities we've done recently but each time the words would come to me at night before bed or some other time I'm away from the computer and then when I get on here my mind is blank! I WILL be adding some fun photos of our recent trips to Lake Tobias animal park in Halifax, PA and to Harrisburg's 'Pride of the Susquehanna' riverboat and Civil War Museum. I also have some photos to share of our newest family members - Blitz the miniature horse and Edgar the goat plus 3 new kittens (not yet named.)

It's been a while since I've written anything here but I'm planning to copy some posts I've written for friends and family on my old website to catch everyone up in one place. We've had a few birthdays since my last entry and we'll be having 2 more in March. The kids keep growing and changing and life doesn't slow down so that I can catch up with it all :) Spring is almost here and I am very much looking forward to warm weather and Spring Cleaning! More soon...

Wow, summer has been flying by and it is almost time to get back into some kind on schedule. We haven't done much 'school' over the summer like I had planned. I'm still working on decluttering the house (mostly the BOOKS!) and making decisions on curriculum for this year.

So, what's new here? Well, our 3 year old dd gave herself a haircut a few weeks ago. I had to remind myself that it WILL grow back....

Our 9 month old ds started walking! He looks so cute waddling around the house. None of my others started walking this early....

We've gone to a few of the free family movies at our local theater and that has been fun. It's always fun to go and watch a movie on that big screen (especially when it is FREE!) and share a bucket of popcorn. Next Tues. is the last one for the summer....

Our garden is a jungle of weeds. I've been slacking badly on getting out there and keeping the weeds under control. We still have corn and tomatoes growing anyway....

My dh found a job! After 7 months of unemployment we have an income again. Yay!....

I think that's about all for now.

My dh took the middle 3 children to his brother's house and I'm sitting here browsing the "For Sale" ads on various homeschool message boards, reading email and catching up on the latest messages on the numerous homeschool-related yahoo groups I'm a member of but rarely make the time to post on myself. I should be cleaning up the kitchen, folding the mountain of laundry waiting on my couch, making a list of the books and supplies I have to sell on the message boards and/or ebay and getting them posted up there, etc, etc, etc. I seriously need to get some focus. I jump from one activity to the next, constantly distracted from whatever it is I should be doing. Would this be considered ADHD? If not, what is my problem? I don't know that I expect any answers or quick-fix solutions but just thought I'd share what's on my mind at this very moment. Have a safe Memorial Day weekend (although it's half over...see, I'm also a procrastinator!) ......sigh

I also thought I'd add a picture of the kids. This was taken in our yard for my mom for Mother's Day but the sun was shining in their eyes so there's lots of squintin'.

Since I haven't introduced myself or my family yet here is a quick one. I'm a Christian wife and homeschooling mom of six wonderful children - Andrew (14), Ciera (13), Tyler (8), Grace (5), Ivanna (2.5) and Lee (7 months.) The question we get asked more than any other is "Are you going to have any more?" so in case anyone is wondering, we certainly hope so! We'll gladly accept as many children as God chooses to bless us with.

We live in PA, not too far from Harrisburg, on a small 2 acres bordering State Gamelands so we have lots of territory to explore for nature studies. All of my children are outdoor kids and on most days they wake up and want to go straight out the door to play. Even the baby gets excited when we go out and sit on the deck, go for a walk or on the swing. We try to live as naturally as possible and are learning all the time. Last weekend we finally got this year's garden started. Besides gardening and raising animals (rabbits, chickens & ducks so far) our family enjoys playing games, riding 4-wheeler, nature walks, reading, and watching family movies together. We don't have cable/satellite tv so we have more time to pay attention to each other and do things together instead.

The next thing I want to learn is how to add things to this blog, like photos and my LibraryThing list. I'll have to work on that another day since it's time to get the kids to bed now.

Well, I'm back and going to try this again. I had a blog here but it disappeared sometime around Oct./Nov. when my baby (#6) was born. Maybe because I wasn't posting enough?

Anyway, I have so much on my mind and I keep CHANGING my mind so I hope just getting it out here will help me to organize my thoughts. Once I have my mind decluttered I'll get working on my house, LOL. One of the biggest problems I'm having, maybe *THE* biggest, is choosing curriculum. With so much available how does one choose??