Oct. 14, 2008 - Challenging
We had trouble getting back into the swing of things after three days off. The holiday-ish mode had us thinking ahead already to Christmas. I think the cloudy, foggy, shut-in-the-house weather, and the fact that I had candles burning, fairylights glowing, and the fireplace on put everyone in that mindset. Wow...tough to switch back to a sunny morning with school books awaiting in piles. Almost overwhelming if we weren't walking into the new day with God at our side. |
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Oct. 12, 2008 - Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving dinner is over. The turkey is picked clean and all the leftovers stored in the fridge. The kitchen is back in order and the oven is already into the self-cleaning cycle. So much work for such a short visit. At least it feels that way.
The last three days were spent in preparation. Selecting the menu. Grocery shopping. Cleaning the house and tidying away clutter that had accumulated. And, preparing mountains of food. Today I missed church and worked from early morning until now (10:30). And, it's over!
The kids and my husband are playing a game. I'm too tired to join in the revelry. But, I'm glad they are extending the evening by spending some quality time together. I love the affect that board games has on the family, drawing everyone together, encouraging lots of discussion.
I'm looking forward to soaking in the tub and dropping into bed early tonight. Tomorrow we're taking the day off school. I'm going to spend some time planning Bible Study. I had a break from teaching last week but the extended time off has flown by.
I'm thankful today. Thankful that the meal went well. Thankful that so much of the family could be together, and that everyone is relatively healthy. Life is so short. (We were talking about how long ago it was when we were starting our first jobs. I forget how old we're all getting! And, I'm so thankful that my parents are still here. I'm reminded today that I need to schedule in more visits with them.) Time is so valuable and relationships so precious. |
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Oct. 1, 2008 - Doing Well
Not having posted for a week or so might leave my readers thinking that I've been subsequently suspended in this mirky overwhelment (is that a word). But, God is much more grace-filled than that, and merciful. Over the past week I have been met by Him in all kinds of ways.
A week ago Wednesday when the anxiety was causing an upset stomach and tightening in my chest, I was able to sit with friends and walk through some listening prayer. There I discovered that I was holding on to an old need for "perfection" and "approval". I had to release that again to God and receive His approval instead. It felt like going home (in the best sense of that word). Often when I release stuff to God I ask if he will give me a gift in return. That day I thought it weird when he handed me a star. My friends were elated when I shared and immediately said, "He gave you an epiphany!" I have been asking him for a real star as a symbol for what transpired. (Perhaps I'm being greedy!)
In the evening after releasing my anxiety, Bible Study was cancelled, which gave me an unexpected evening off. I realized just how tired I was as I sank into bed with a cup of coffee and a good novel. I remembered thinking...wow...I haven't allowed myself this luxury for a long time.
My daughter's birthday was the next day. We had purposely booked that day of school off, so we slept late and then met my husband for a sushi lunch. Much later after much shopping (my daughter's birthday present from us) we went home and had afternoon tea together - tea and cupcakes in lieu of a birthday cake. The day off was a blessing but messed us up for the next day which was full of early morning piano lessons, visitors and end-of-the-week finishing-up-school stuff.
I'm doing okay today. Not great but my heart is good. Good in the sense that I know myself to be loved by God even while life still seems to be incredibly challenging. I'm still wrestling with how to lead Bible Study, and the Prayer Team event is quickly approaching. (My nerves are shot. I need time to sit still with God and collect my thoughts.)
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Sep. 22, 2008 - The Reality of Homeschooling
The fourth week of school has just begun. One day is nothing! We seem to get so little accomplished even though we're hitting the books early and working late into the evening. I seem to only have cleared the remnants of one meal away before I'm pulling out ingredients for the next. And so it goes...days into weeks...soon into a month.
We have faced many challenges as we've tried to settle into a pattern. This year the schedule hasn't come together quite so neatly. Seems as though something is conspiring against us having time to sink into any quiet moments with God and thoughts about the bigger meaning of life.
I move restlessly through the day, constantly aware of all the responsibilities hovering on the horizon that I haven't attended to yet like.... Bible Study class which takes lots to time. Maybe I'm just a slow learner, but the message to share with the ladies seems to come slowly throughout the week. And, I've been asked to pull together a pray team for an upcoming Ladies Worship Night on October 5th. I'm glad there is some distance between today and that date. I've lots of phone calls to make.
My eldest daughter is learning the hard way just how challenging this new school experience is going to be. Over the weekend she took a break from the books, but didn't tell me that she had 3 assignments due today that she hadn't even started yet. At first I thought to stay up all night and rescue her from her bad decision-making. But, after one look at the first assignment I realized we were defeated before we began.
A cry of help to the teacher gave us the necessary direction to proceed. But we went to bed in the wee hours of the morning. My planning time for the other three children completely dissolved in handling the crisis. So I begin the week flying by the seat of my pants. I'm tired today which probably skews my thinking. I wish I could find a sense of rest. But, when I sit down I'm overwhelmed with waves of panic.
Teach me again Lord to quiet my spirit in you when I feel like I'm sinking beneath a great weight! I keep looking for something to make me feel better but find no comfort in anything. Help me to trust in you. |
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Sep. 17, 2008 - More Beginnings
Bible Study begins again tonight after a brief hiatus throughout the summer. With the new year comes new challenges, possibly new members added to our group, and a whole new adventure. As I was pondering what the new year might look like I was questioning where God was going to take us. The possibilities seemed limited. Afterall, some of these gals have been together for five years now. What more could God have in store for us?
And, then came the phone calls. Ladies who'd heard about the class from others and who were seeking a place to connect. I'm incredibly scared and incredibly excited at the same time. A strange mixture of emotions that seem to roll around in my stomach and make my palms sweat. I recognize the faithless part of me that wants to have everything under control and know that everything is going to be okay. And, I remind that part of me that I don't have to have everything under control because He does. And, my part is simply to trust. Trust that God has a plan for each of the ladies that He's going to bring along tonight. Trust that He will give me the words and ability to lead. Trust that even though the path may get difficult that He is walking the journey with me. |
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Sep. 12, 2008 - Two Weeks and a Big Cry
Hmm...the transition from summer idleness to the busyness of schooling as overwhelmed us. We're only two weeks in and we've all had our bouts of crying as we wrestle with trying to figure out a way to balance life around the black hole of schoolwork. I say "black hole" because school has the potential to suck us into a vortex of neverending busyness. So much so that we can't find time to eat, or go for a walk, or read a book.
Sounds crazy...because afterall I'm the teacher who sets the pace. But, being enrolled means having to be accountable to someone, show proof via a paper-trail, and have scores for tests and things. And, all that stuff takes time...more time than I seem to have in a day. |
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Sep. 8, 2008 - Reflections on Week One
One week under our belts (strange saying), and I feel like we've been back at it for months. We have encountered so much new terrain, especially with my older daughter's program, that I have been feeling very overwhelmed. I'm not handling the rest of life very well at present.
School could become all-consuming. I spend the evenings helping with homework, and planning the next day for my other three. And, the weekend hasn't been much better. Most of Saturday was spent helping my eldest with homework and trying to complete year overviews for each subject. The school that we're enrolled in would like one for each of my children by the beginning of October. I've only managed to get one partially done. Gulp.
I'm thankful that most of the extra-curriculars are being added slowly into the mix. A swift plunge into the deep end would have done me in, I think. Thankfully I get another week of relative ease before all the classes and activities will be up and running. And, I have one more week before Bible Study begins again. (Where, on earth, will I get the time to study for that?) Unfortunately, my husband is away on business this week so where the load could be light, once again I'll be carrying it alone.
We're still trying to round up books for some subjects and there are some obvious hiccups in the tentative plans I made for how our day should run. We've been fine-tuning our schedules, and discussing better ways to make the days progress rather than drag. I expect that figuring out all these details will take us well into next month.
One would assume by now that homeschooling would be a snap. But, I find that every year holds something new and with that new element comes confusion, adjustment, and reassessment. The pieces fall together a little differently every time. So the new year never looks quite like the previous one. I struggle to stay fresh and enthusiastic. Sometimes motivating the troops feels more like cracking a whip and laying down the law. |
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Sep. 2, 2008 - Building a Foundation
Well...there you have it! Many days of summer spent laying the foundation for the new school year:
- my daughter's new room painted and set up
- my son finally having a room of his own
- my middle girls setting up a shared space
- buying a computer for our first fully on-line student
- writing course overviews for every subject for 3 grade levels
- planning more specifics for each of the units within each subject
- planning the first day
And yet...my labor is in vain if I exclude God from the process or forget to exalt His name for the way things have come together. For I have learned that anything good in my life comes from God alone. Oh, but I'm quick to want to take credit! And so I pray...
Heavenly Father,
Thank you for the ways that YOU have provided for my family. Thank you that you allowed enough time, energy and money to lay the foundation of another school year. Thank you for continuing health and strength. Thank you for creative ideas especially when the well seems very dry. Thank you for allowing me to teach my children at home. Help me to do and speak always in the name of Jesus. Colossians 3:17. Bless our home with much growth as we move into deeper relationship with you. I invite you into my classroom tomorrow to be the real teacher of my children as I become merely your assistant. Amen. |
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Aug. 31, 2008 - Summer was...
Mmm...the beach. How I am going to miss that . The feeling of fall is definitely in the air and school starts back after Labor Day. In my heart I'm still balking at the idea of giving up the summer freedom. But, I'm thankful for the time off.
Summer was...
Wonderful...because we were able to go travelling all down the Oregon Coast as far as San Diego.
Challenging...because my eldest daughter was preparing for a piano exam and had to be encouraged to practice everyday. (She passed with a good score! Yippee!).
(the)Beginning...of learning to live with teenagers who spend hours on the phone with friends or ask to be taxied somewhere.
Disappointing...because the summer weather arrived late and departed early. The season was much too short.
Fulfilling...because I managed to get the basement room prepared and my children shuffled into new living spaces.
Stretching...because my kids found they were asked to participate in many activities that grew them in their understanding of responsibility.
Tiring...because I seemed to have lots of big dinners to host at my home and have spent the last (almost) month preparing for school.
(a)Blessing...because we had time off from the focus of school and were able to enjoy doing "nothing" somedays.
Renewing...because God challenged me to know myself better and see myself reflected in the light of His gaze. |
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Aug. 28, 2008 - Fear and Trust
Fear. That's what it is. This anxious, crawling feeling that has been making my stomach feel queasy and my insides tremble. Its been clawing at my mind scrambling my thoughts, sending signals to my whole system to prepare for flight. Runaway, Jan!
What do I fear? Failure. Finding out that I just don't cut-it as a Mom, as a teacher, as the god of my childrens' lives. Yes! Sometimes I actually begin to think that I should know exactly what each of them needs to function as healthy adults. I should know how to prepare them for their future careers, even though I have no idea at this point what that might be. If I dwell on the decisions long enough they rise bigger and wider and higher like an out-of-control dough until they fill the room. And, I begin to feel like I'm suffocating beneath the weight of it all.
Trust. What I haven't been doing. I've been trying to carry the burden by myself for weeks. I bring it to God and yet walk away with it still in my hands. Or, I surrender it and then turn around and go back to gather it up again. So I confess...I CAN'T DO IT! Not only can I not do it all, I can't do any of it without God there to direct and guide and give wisdom. |
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