My Journey Toward A Trusting Heart

Today is not a good day. And it has nothing to do with homeschooling. At least not directly. We have taken an easy-entry this week, with only a few ‘school’ish’ things…mostly the boys are still playing w/ friends. I’m happy to report that I do feel I have a solid plan in place, and that I at least know where I’m going. That’s a far-cry from where I was earlier this year…

The truth is, I’m just flat tired. I’m having severe "Mommy Fatigue" today…I’m weary of the whining, the needing, the demands, the messes, the dirt, the dishes, the meals, the laundry, the whining, the needing, the demands…Oh, did I already go there???

The thing I’ve suddenly come to resent about reading some blogs, or even articles, is that I rarely find anything but conviction. Or at least GUILT for not having it all together. For not being confident. Or organized. Or energetic. Or not putting my kids’ needs first. (yeah, right), or not making a cup of tea and finding a quiet spot to reflect ( I don’t even like tea)…I guess TODAY I feel I only come up WAY short of where other mothers are in their lives.

I read about the surface’y struggles, but rarely the dark ones. Like the one I’m having today. Like I want to just pack a suitcase and not look back. At least for a couple of days. And that’s just not in the cards.

So, when you can’t leave, what do you do?

There are few ‘self’ moments. Tho I admit to being wide awake at 4am the past few mornings…tossing and turning, thinking about everything and nothing…those are ‘self’ moments, I guess. Why can’t I seem to relish that? Maybe because I didn’t really ‘choose’ that moment to have to myself. But MAYBE that’s all I’m gonna get, so I’d best figure out how to enjoy it.

Seems I can’t even really pray about this…or at least verbalize to the Lord what I’m thinking. Of course I know He knows, but we all know its good to be able to ‘get it out’ now and then. But I can’t even seem to do that. All I want to do today is cry. And there’s really no place to go to do that by myself. And the other thing is, there’s nothing really "wrong" — its not like I can pinpoint a direct cause of this anxiety. I think there ARE several things on my mind that are stressful, but I’m not even sure that those, collectively, are a problem. They will work themselves out. So, I can’t really say what this is all about. Except that I’m pooped.

You’d think I’d be sick of my own whining, wouldn’t you? And what’s really funny, as I sit and expound on my lot in life, I’m pretty sure no one will read this. And maybe that’s not even important. Its not as if I want to call all my friends and complain to them…I can’t think of many who really want to hear it. They have enough problems of their own…and really, this is not a ‘problem’. I know its probably hormones (boy I wish I could just get through the change and be done with it), but it is still a suffocating or drowning feeling. And if I did talk to a friend about it, what would I say? And what could she say that I don’t already know? "this too shall pass"…

Still, I’d love a break away from it all. But I know that’s neither reasonable nor practical. Even thinking about a few hours away from home, which Mark would accomodate…where would I go? Considering all I want to do is cry. that’d be pretty dumb to go to the mall and sit somewhere bawling. Or to the bookstore, or waltzing around Wal-Mart…there is no where to go to hide.   However, I am writing this as the boys are outside playing w/ the neighbor kids…Mark is working in the yard…so I AM having a few quiet moments. Until they want popsicles.

I thought writing this all down might help. I’m pretty sure it hasn’t, but there it is anyway.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

if you get time, please take a few moments to visit my friends’ blog, www.adventureellis.blogspot.com

Jim and Pam Ellis are wonderful people who are going through a storm right now…Jim was recently diagnosed with colon cancer. He has under-gone surgery to remove a section of the colon; cancer was found in 2 of 9 lymphnodes…he will begin chemo in the next few days.

You will not find any whining in Jim and Pam’s reports…quite the contrary. They are full of faith and praise to God for his CONTINUING goodness.

Last year, Pam was diagnosed with uterine cancer…she is cancer-free today! In one of Jim’s emails back then, he pulled a line from "Narnia" that has really lodged in my heart…Lucy asks Mr. Beaver, about Aslan, "Is he safe?" Mr. Beaver replies, "Oh no he’s not safe! But he IS good!"

Serving God certainly does not guarantee ‘safety’ from  trials and ‘storms’ — but It certainly does guarantee that He will walk with us through all of it. "Sometimes he calms the storm, but sometimes he calms the child."

Right now, Jim and Pam are calm in the midst of this storm. They are an inspiration to everyone who knows them…and we are praying for complete recovery and total healing…but also for God’s PEACE to reign in their hearts as they walk this uncertain pathway.

Read their blog….it’ll encourage you in whatever you are facing today!

Love to all…K.

1 Peter 5: 6-11 NIV

  "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.  Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.   And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.    To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen."

A friend of Mark’s recently read this passage in his devotions, and told Mark he immediately applied this verse to us, and began to pray for us in this way. In many ways, it is a confirmation of some things the Lord Himself had spoken to US in recent days, affirming (once again) that we are on the right track in our faith walk.

First, Mark and I agreed that we would put aside any ‘distractions’ (i.e., ‘the prowling, roaring lion who would devour us)…those distractions are anything and ANYONE who would drag our hearts away from our focus on being in God’s perfect will…dragging our hearts away toward doubt and worry…anyone who would just want to ‘talk’ all this out, rather than remaining prayerful and encouraging. Don’t get me wrong, talking is GOOD, but its not enough. We don’t need therapy right now — we need increasing faith. We need wisdom regarding which doors to knock on, and which ones to avoid. We choose to surround ourselves with friends and environments that encourage and motivate….rather than depress.

And believe me, there are some people in my world who do just that. I have not put away those friendships entirely, but for this stage in my life, I don’t need the ‘distraction’. Mark has done the same.

We don’t know any more this week than we knew last, but we are still full of faith and hope that there are great things ahead.

We’ve observed some that seem shocked that we seem so calm! I have a hard time understanding all that. Its almost as if they wish we WERE worried! One friend seems to have this pitying tone when we talk….and honestly, there is nothing pitiful about any of this. We are healthy, secure, and hopeful. And we have plenty of food in the pantry and fridge. We don’t anticipate losing any weight because of all this (that’s unfortunate, I know….to be forced to eat less!)

Anyway, we are hopeful. We will not be without work for forever. The Lord will provide.  The Word says, "I have never seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging for bread." I don’t expect we’ll need to beg for anythng. God’s hand is open and generous, and He will provide all we need.

If you are full of faith and encouragment, I welcome your ‘apples of gold’ into our life. We are hiding many things in our hearts, and fully expect to have a great testimony of God’s goodness very shortly.

Continue to pray for my patience w/ school w/ Colton. Today seems to be an especially challenging day for him….many distractions, but I’m working hard at keeping an even temper, giving him all the time he wants to take (aka, ‘waste’) goofing off, but determined to accomplish what’s on my schedule for today. We need the gift of ORDER and ORGANIZATION so we can stay focused.

Praying He will enlarge our territory!

Kim and Crew

Well, a few things have happened since I wrote last week…amazing how things can change in a couple days…

Last Friday, March 28, Mark was ‘let go’ from the company he’s worked for only 7 mos. We were not shocked nor were we surprised…its something we had a feeling could come down the pike anytime. We just never realized ‘anytime’ would be NOW.

We are calm and at peace…we know the Lord gives and the Lord takes away — and we will trust Him.

So, about the FREE STUFF…Saturday morning, I was awake early and redeemed the time in my favorite rocking chair, praying…I told the Lord that if I was concerned about anything, it was our health insurance.

Colton’s hemophilia is a complicated thing, and it is VERY expensive to manage. Good insurance coverage is CRITICAL to our family. OF COURSE we know God is our source, but we also know there are good policies and bad ones. We’d prefer the former…

So, I just prayed He would just work it all out.

Well, come to find out, Mark gets this ax-call on Friday night at 6pm; we learn today that our insurance is done TODAY. Hardly fair or reasonable…so he is appealing to their sense of good-will, asking them to keep us covered for April.

Anyway, TODAY in my prayer time I felt compelled to pray for FREE STUFF. You know…like free pizza, haircuts, groceries, whatever…just freebies from here and there. I didn’t put a $ amount on it, but left that part to the Lord…

Because the factor for Colton is soooooooooooooooooo expensive (about $800 per dose! — and we order 4-6 wks at a time…all covered by insurance.

Well with the startling news that our insurance was done today, Mark put in a call to our liason at Rush University med center in Chicago, to see if there was a chance we could get in another factor/supplies order today; he told Heather about our ‘situation’…she felt we could get another order placed w/ no problem.

Mark got a call a while later from another Doctor, connected to Rush, and long story short…they are providing 4 months of factor for NOTHING!! This is about the biggest FREEBIE I could have ever prayed in..and it never even crossed my mind!   (they will take whatever the insurance will pay..with no cost to us regardless).

GOD IS GOOD…and we are in His care, every minute, for every THING…pizza or factor!

We do not know what the future holds…we will simply trust all that to God, but we truly feel blessed. We feel anticipation for good things, and maybe even the best yet!

Keep your eyes on my blog…Mark has made many calls today to friends across the country, in a variety of fields. He’s trying to keep connected to others who may just hold the map to what’s next. You just never know!

We are blessed…and I know there are great days ahead!

I failed to remark about Kate’s debut as Marian in "The Music Man" a couple weeks ago…she was PHENOMENAL! We were sooooooooooooooooooo proud of her. She aced the role and totally nailed all the songs…and kept her composure even when her mic was totally OFF. The battery fell out during a frantic costume change…no one knew it until she was on stage, with NO SOUND, singing alongside the Barbershop Quartet…so the saavy sound guy turned off the quartet mics, and turned UP the stage mics..and it went on. Kate never showed any signs of being flustered (very professional!) and the second she realized she was off, she just sang and spoke louder!

She was a pro, indeed…she’s got her sights set on next year, HER SENIOR YEAR! Yikes!!

Her choir director, Danielle Mullen, is just an absolute doll. I’d think that even if she didn’t think Kate was so great…but she has truly been an encouragment to Kate in every way. Katie knows a blessing when she sees one — at least she will eventually! LOL

We had a productive day w/ school yesterday…layed low on the math…which brings me to wanting to give thanks to a couple friends out there, Phyllis Sather and Michelle Adamson. These two veteran-homeschooling moms came into my life through TOS — when I was working with Julie Nott and Angela Quigley in the Mktg dept, I ‘met’ Phyllis and Michelle through two different portals…BUT, both have been an incredible blessing to me.

Please visit Phyllis at her website: www.-Phyllis-Sather.com  She is full of wisdom and many years of experience. She has more than once set me BACK on the right track and I will be forever grateful.

Michelle does not have a website (tho she ought to!), but has also been a source of great ideas and encouragment to me. Both these gals are godly mothers and I know have contributed to helping keep me on this path…reminding me that it can be done, and ESPECIALLY when the Lord calls you to it.

Anyway, I do have both of them to thank for giving me hope and peace in my recent struggle. Great ideas and suggestions…thing is, its hard to decide where to start!! There are so many great things…

So, I just wanted to mention them today.

Its a gray day in Indiana (surprise! ha!) but we’ll have a good day — and I wish you one, too!