Hearts for Him | |
Introspective and reflective
4:07 AM, Apr. 18, 2006
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My marriage is under attack again.
It's been under attack for the last few years, this past year being the
greatest period of time and damage done. Usually, it is under
attack via my husband. Not that HE is attacking it, but that
Satan is using my husband as the vessel for destruction. Right
now though, I feel as if he is using me for that same destruction.Let me explain. About a year ago (sometime in June), my husband began a friendship with a co-worker that eventually developed into an affair. The affair happened last September, and my husband finally confessed about it on the first of October. We went through an extremely rocky time immediately following that - with me struggling to keep the marriage together and him dealing with guilt issues and wanting to be alone and miserable, etc. Since that time, he has gone back to her (emotionally and verbally, but not physically) every now and then. He was also continuing to access pornography on a fairly regular basis. It was eating him alive - the two things were. Finally, about three weeks ago, it stopped - fully stopped. The other woman, the pornography, everything - it just stopped. Of which I am incredibly grateful. But now for some odd reason ( could be pregnancy hormones, emotional overload, whatever ) I am so unhappy. There is a lot to do before the baby is born in two weeks ( I have to be at the hospital checking into labor and delivery in two weeks, one hour, and fifteen minutes! ) But there is so much stuff to be done and my husband, who is finally getting his life in the right place, is feeling stressed and overloaded with the amount of care the boys require and the housework that needs to be done and the fact that I am in almost constant pain from contractions/cramping and a locked hip. I'm seeing a chiropractor about it, but it is only making it bearable at the moment, not making it "better" as I am two weeks from delivery and there's somewhat of a limitation as to what can be done right now. It's really hard on me, because I see all that needs to be done, and I know that if I could just do it, it'd get done and all would be well. But I have to rely on my husband to do it and it is just so hard, because I know that he could do a quicker, better, whatever - job than what he is doing. Instead of feeling grateful for his help, I'm feeling edgy and quite crabby. I'm also feeling like a cad for some odd reason because I made him stay in our marriage and I know he's not happy with the way things are right now. (Totally understandable that he'd feel that way - he has to work outside our home, take care of our boys and me, AND work on getting the house into shape for our daughter to come home in a little over two weeks) But I just feel so terrible about him not being happy. I want to make him happy, and I have this idea in my head that it is ME personally that he is not happy with - not the situation, but ME. I think to myself, "if I hadn't made him give up Amy, he'd be happy. If I hadn't forced him to stay in our marriage, he'd be happy. If I just would have / wouldn't have done this / that, he'd be happy now." It's an incredibly unhealthy way to think and I know that I did the right thing by putting the pressure on him to give up Amy and to work on our marriage, but those are the two things that come the most quickly to mind when I think of him being unhappy. I want for him to be happy. Truly happy. I know that Satan is using these doubts to further depress me and to create a ridge in my marriage, since the control he had over Mike isn't working anymore and I am now his target. I hate this! It is so hard. Please pray for me / us that these next two weeks will be as smooth as possible, that Satan will not be allowed a further grip on our marriage by either one of us, and that the grip he has on it now will slip into nothingness. Pray for my husband's strength and willpower and patience as I know this is a trying time for him - particularly with all that needs to be accomplished and what he has to put up with ( that being me 
) here at home. Pray for me that I am able to have some relief
from physical pain, from emotional pain, that Satan's grip be loosened
and relieved of, and that I am able to be of more support to Mike than
I have been. And also to have ( and show ) a grateful heart to my
husband for all that he has done / is doing for me / us / our
family. I really am grateful - it's just sometimes hard to show
how grateful you are when you are caught up in self-pity and resentment.Leave a Comment { Last Page } { Page 6 of 7 } { Next Page } |
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