Some funny sayings that make me laugh (something that has been in short supply lately)...

*Forget world peace; try using your turn signal.
*Heavily medicated for your safety.
*I can't hear you!  Old age has some benefits.
*I'm not bossy; I just know what you should be doing.
*Danger:  Mouth operates faster than brain.
*Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you're abusing the privilege.
*Chocolate -- the catnip of the female world.
*If I'm talking, you should be taking notes.
*I see old people.
*Good Morning is an oxymoron.
*Can I get caller ID for the voices in my head?
*Life is a circus, and I'm stuck in the freak tent.
*Deadlines amuse me.

And last, but not least...

*My day isn't done until I've horrified a complete stranger.

Memorize a few -- they might come in handy some time.  :o)