one deep breath...finally. 

it has been a long time since i sat down to update my blog.  i  missed blogging and this sweet community....but must admit...i have had little inspiration lately.  i cannot explain it...but i do believe they call it 'burn out'.

i try to 'NOT' be a complainer, so i just sit tight, and ask God to put His arm around my shoulder and His hand over my mouth...sometimes i go quiet for quite a while...which is probably why i haven't said much....i haven't really had much to say......and you know the saying,

"if you haven't got anything ' nice ' to say, don't say anthing at all".

the good news:  God has heard our prayers.  and He has blessed us with a new house!  we are moving April first!  it is a great house with more closets and a garage, and a bathtub (thank you GOD for that! been bathing baby for 2 yrs now in a 'blow up tub' in a tiny shower". lol.

we will have a real fire place!  the kind you put real wood into and sit near on chilly mornings drinking hot cocoa!

we will have a garage to park our car in and store stuff, and a back yard for the kids to play in!!!

also... a great breakfast nook atop a tile floor!!  no longer will i have to worry about spaghetti in the carpet!

i am just so happy.  these little things most take for granted, (as i once did too) are all ours again soon.

and most importantly, i saw baby yesterday on the ultra sound.  i am 15 weeks along and feeling more human again.  i was given the heave ho from bedrest (3 months of it!)  and told to resume a 'normal' life once again!  i took my last progesterone 2 nights ago and am feeling a bit more confident about the future with our new baby.

although it is too early to tell....the u/s tech said she thinks it looks like a girl at this stage....and is about 80% certain.  funny thing because i really thought this was a boy!  either way...i am so deeply in love with this baby already that if it came out a monkey i would praise GOD anyway!

after being 'off-my-blog' for all this time...i am feeling the need to write a bit more....today David and i took the tree down and all the decorations.  i was sad to see them go..but it was time.  the rain and wind were raging outside all day, and suddenly there was the most amazing parting of the clouds, and the sun dazzled and danced thru the window so brightly!  we stopped to just watch it. 

it was beautiful.  we didn't catch the rainbow. wow... my wooziness is back with a vengeance!  i have a good day and then  wake up with this nausea that just slams me back down.

the doc put me on bedrest at the beginning of december.  i laughed at the thought of it.  how on earth does the 'mom' make it thru the holidays....in bed???!! ..it was an interesting journey....because i wasn't my usual frazzled self  this christmas.  i was mostly sicker than a dog on a stick....but i must admit....i was able to fight the commercialism by doing the minimal...the nuts and the bolts....the 'disease' was my 'cure' for the crazy Christmas time madness.

i was stressed a bit in a different way...had a lot of close calls with this pregnancy...some spotting, and they didn't find the heartbeat in week 7, which landed on hubby's bday!!

i wrote a little about it: 

 there we sat on his special day, in the waiting room of my ob's, staring at all the smiling happy big- bellied soon to be mommies, while i waited for what i 'just knew' was going to be my 5th miscarriage.  i prayed...he prayed...and soon we were called in to the room....

there they were once again....those ugly words...the very words that bring your soul to it's knees....

"there is no heartbeat''

silence....

hard swallow....

"not today"

'of all days'

my words shifted inside my head and i am not sure if i spoke or not.  i just squeezed davids hand.  i felt as if i had failed him once again.  this day, december 15th, his 33 bday will always be remembered as the day we 'lost' our baby......

i heard the nurse's words...in pieces,  not in sentences, or sequence or anything i could grasp...but i thought she was telling us to wait...that she needed a second opinion....

a hope?

is there still hope?

been thru this so many times.

even still,  we had hope.

she left the room and we both began to pray out loud.  all i could muddle was the name of Jesus...."comfort us Lord....show us a heartbeat...P L E E eeeesE....Jesus...comfort us'''

pleading...praying.

 in walks the doctor.  for  some strange reason i didn't want her there....i wanted to linger in the 'hope'. 

 i didn't want to know if it was going to be final. i wanted to remain in the moment of not knowing. 

we had found ourselves in that 'space between'....that space where you still might have a living baby inside.  that place was sweet and i wanted to stay there for a while longer.

she plunged the magice ultra sound wand inside of me again and i told them all 'i can't watch '

their eyes searched the scratchy fuzzy monitor.  my heart beating so loud i knew they could hear me.

finally....the doc spoke.

''here is the baby............and there is the heartbeat''

i turned to look...and i saw it. 

that white light of fluttering hope.  the sweet wings of a butterfly light...flickering and glowing at us.

i was shaking.

we were crying.

we were greatful and thankful and thanked Jesus out loud.

we left the docs office feeling that a beautiful thing had happened to us.  was it a miracle?  a bday miracle for david?

perhaps.

all the same, it was a moment we will never forget.

still waiting to see this little gift from above and until that moment i am sure i will have many fears.....

but i will have to hand them over to the Lord.

again and again.

wow...i have been offline for about 11 weeks!  i know this because i haven't written since i found out we are expecting again!  this pregnancy has been a real rough one, thus far...but Lord willing, i haven't given up on this one...and there have been so many times....at 7 weeks they couldn't find a heartbeat....but then....after putting me on a different ultra sound machine, they found it!  it felt like a miracle.

I am just putting each and every day in the hands of the LORD and He will be faithful, no matter what the outcome.  bedrest has been hard...but i know it is all worth it.

HAPPY HAPPY and BLESSED new year to all!!!

"Blessed is he, whosoever shall not be offended in me."  (luke 7:23)

Do you ever have one of those moments......when  you know the Lord is speaking directly to you?  i had one of those moments this morning.  thru His word, He revealed the above scripture to me, and I had to just stop, and allow it to sink in....because i had done this.  i had become  'offended in HIM'. 

i guess you can say.... we as a family we have experienced a season of some difficulties.  the miscarriage, soon after that - a very painful rift in our extended family...(which has left me with some very heavy burdens on my heart that i am working and praying hard to get thru)...not to mention a whole bunch of other little things...just annoyances, but all the same....it hasn't been an easy road.

 i have found myself actually 'going there'  you know that place....asking God 'why'.  now to be honest, i have made it a point to never ask Him this.  when things don't go the way i have planned, i choose to surrender it to Him....in TRUST.  but....(and this is a big 'butt'...) lately i have floundered in these circumstances and found myself slipping under them.

His words this morning were a balm of healing to me.  He gently showed me that this is what i have done, i have become 'offended' in Christ.  but he also showed me thru His precious word, that He understands it.  God knows it is easy to fall under the burden of our circumstances, to take our eyes off of Him, and focus in on our own pain.  emotions can become 'aphrodiasics for the flesh' if we allow them to.  our emotions crave a pity party. ....but we must always remember, emotions are feelings...feelings aren't truth.  the word of GOD is truth. 

I know that He hears my prayers.   my prayer time has been rich and deep because of these trials.  I know this is a time of spiritual warfare for me and my family.  I know that i need to put on the 'armor' and walk in truth.  and I thank my God for revealing things to me thru His word...in order to keep me from slipping further.

the one thing these trials have taught me is to keep my eyes on what is eternal...and not to focus in on what is temporary.  this world is passing away, and we are only 'passing through'.  it is easy to get caught up in the trials of this life.  But as believers we have the 'truth'...and that truth gives up HOPE.  even when hope is hard to find.

blessed is he whose faith is not offended,

when all around his way

the power of God is working out deliverance

for others day by day;

Blessed are you, O child of God, who does suffer,

And cannot understand

The reason for your pain, yet will gladly leave

Your life in His blest Hand.

Yes blessed ar you whose faith is "not offended"

By trials unexplained,

By mysteries unsolved, past understanding,

Until the goal is gained.

~FREDA HANBURY ALLEN~

"She's not 'normal', that's why she is my friend....heeehaaa!"

Quoted by my 12 yr. old!

isn't it wonderful to know that each one of us is someone elses weirdo?  'normal' is just a setting on my washing machine anyway.  isn't that what they say?  yup...and i believe it!

it is good that my kid can see the beauty in oddness!  he has me for a mother....! 

blessings!

once upon a time there was a mommy. this mommy had all little boys.  little boys wear blue.  not pink, blue.  so this mommy decided to do the right and best thing, and she was sure to always dress them in blue, because boys look best in blue.  she was tempted to dress them in pink at times, because some mommies with all boys begin to romanticize the color pink. mainly because pink is 'pretty' and most of the time, blue is not pretty.  it is 'blue'.  the 'experts' term it 'border-line abuse' to dress little boys in blue.  she so wanted to be a good mommy, so she set out to make blue her favorite color.

denim blue, vintage blue, sky blue, baby blue.  this mommy felt she had about all she could take of blue.  so, one night she prayed.  she prayed God would bring her a little girl. a little pink girl.  a little pink girl who would love to 'take pink tea, in pink  tea cups with pink flowers while sitting in pink dresses, on pink chairs, at a table with pink table cloths.

she prayed and prayed and prayed.  and one day, God answered her prayer.  she got her pink little girl...who loved blue.

and the moral of the story:

you can take the pink out of the little  boy, but you can't take the blue out of the little girl....

and they all lived happily ever after.

the end.

I haven't written in quite a while...life has taken over!  hubby and i have been revising our budget....OY!  it was time to take our head out of the sand and really get down and dirty...tighten things up and be better aware of what was in the 'storehouse'.  let me just say, it has been a labor of love, but I have now taken over most of our finances for my hubby, and I feel blessed to be doing so!

it wasn't this way initially...nooooo! i just cringed at the thought of 'doing the finances'....the Lord revealed some things to me, i surrendered and i am so glad i did.  i use to feel that 'doing the finances' was a 'mans work'....but you know....that part in proverbs 31...where 'she considers a field and buys it, and from her profits she plants a vineyard'...well, i want a vineyard....or at least, the very least, i want God to be proud of his servant.  i want to be a proverbs 31 woman, and i am far from it, FAAAR from it!  but i am learning.

i hope to always be growing and learning!

tonight i am 'beading' myself into a frenzy...our family vacation is 2 weeks away and i hope to 'peddle my wares' in order to raise some spending money!  hubby, my boys, baby girl and i are driving up the coast to spend thanksgiving with my mom.  we haven't been able to have a thanksgiving with my mom in sooo long and i am so excited (we all are!) to be getting to spend this most treasured of all holidays with her!  she lives just about 20  minutes from San Francisco and it will be the boys first trip there! 

that last time i was in San fran i was only 12 and i threw up on a mans shoes in the trolley car.  that was the day we discovered i was not only claustrophobic, but had serious motion sickness.  all the same...i look forward to a 'smoked turkey'...and all the fix'ins.

isn't Thanksgiving the BEST!  i can't wait....

ps: 

i just have to share what i made for dinner tonight.  i had some left over 'honey orange sauce' (from the orange chicken i made the night before) i slow cooked pork using up the left over honey orange sauce, but for a change,  i added brown sugar and hickory bbq sauce to that, and for the sake of celebrating Autumn, (my favorite time of year) i added ground cloves and cinammon!  oh my gosh!  i served it with mash potatoes made with cream, better than buillion, butter, pepper, a sprinkling of garlic salt, and peas and carrots!  my family loved it and ate it all up!

(just had to share)  *wink*

GOD bless !

I was talking with my mom the other day and she asked me if I had ever 'googled' myself....WHAT??  "googled myself??"  I asked!!  (rolling off the couch laughing).

"yeah...put your name into 'google' and see where you come up!"  sooo...being the brave adventurer that I am, I try this....and guess what!......my name and link came up right away! my only claim to fame, my blog!  from the HOMESCHOOLER BLOGGER! 

at first i got a tickle out of this 'googling myself'...but after a second thought, i realized something....'gee....people i don't even know will know my deepest thoughts...'....based entirely on my blog.  i felt kinda 'exposed'...ya know?  i mean, seriously...what was i thinking??? like THAT wouldn't happen?

suddenly, i started realizing that i had exposed not only some of my deepest thoughts (meant only for my fellow kindreds on the homeschool blogger), but total strangers in cyberspace!  the names and ages of my kids are on here!!! OH  MY  GOSH!

so I decide to edit all info that I have written on my kids and even my profile today---just to be on the safe side! when you see the 'safe code' it will look something this:

1.B.12

this would mean firstborn, boy, age 12

for more info....visit  DandelionSeeds and link to her 'SAFE CODE' blog. she has some really good info on how we can keep our family safe from any potential harm out there!

blessings!

shelbi

 I sincerely believe that our children have a deep well-spring of abilities, gifts and talents placed within them.  The ability to learn language, to speak, and then to read.  the ability to reason, to learn numbers and then learn various concepts of math.....the "3 R's" (among many other precious things) are already set into motion  and have been placed there by our creator.

my job as 'teacher' is to simply create an environment that produces within them the passion and the desire to unleash their unique God-given abilities.  It is my goal and my prayer daily, that I am gentle and loving in all my ways, "when I sit and when I walk, when I lie down and when I rise up".  I hope to never stifle their spirits by my own daily shortcomings.  I so desire our home to be a place where they feel secure in all aspects of daily life.  learning as we go.

The public school system says 'you must be qualified - according to man's standards'.  Gods word tells me otherwise.  I am already 'qualified' to 'teach' my children.  I know this because He has entrusted me with them.  If you have children, than you are 'qualified'.  God say's so. 

As homeschool educators, we must always bare this in mind, never allowing the 'worlds views' to infiltrate our homes.  we must 'rise up' and stand strong, renewing our minds daily unto the Lord.  He has a plan, a very special plan for each homeschooled child. 

sacrifices are made for each individual homeschool family...but we are priviledged to be at home, creating the environment necessary to bring out the beautiful gifts within each child God has entrust to us today.

Lord, I pray over these moms today, may you fill them with a desire to grow closer to you.  May they see YOU in the eyes of their sweet children.  May we all be encouraged even through the rough seasons of our journey as homeschoolers, that you are our Creator.  You have a special plan and purpose for each day of our lives.  May we not squander the time, but use it wisely to create a beautiful environment, one rich with love and good books and comforting words. 

Amen

i just re-read my 'profile'...ugh.  i cwack myself up.  seriously....why can't i just keep it simple? 

HUH!?

in all my 38 yrs....i have known i have 'issues'...

yup. i do. 

serious- lets-just-call-them........... 'conversational issues'. 

*getting vaglempt*.......have come to the realization that;;;; (hold onto yer' seats)

 i am a 'rambler'. 

 i ramble....i ramble, ramble, ramble!   on and on and on!!! when i sink my teeth into anything i find passionately mindnumbing, i just bite down and can't let go!  i have to 'talk about it'....you know....'VENT'. 

but there is a dark side ....a deep dark side that ramblers anon. won't fess up to....LET"S get it out right here and now.  out of the darkness and into the LIGHT!  oh...., OHHH.... oh  the worst part....i blame my husband for "NOT listening to me"

he tunes me out.  ya think? i mean after a while he has to!  i get my 'wild hairs' and my dander up and before i know it, off i go again!  rambling on and on!

the sad fact is, nobody is really listening to me any more!  and you know why? yup....because i ramble.  like right now.  ramble.......... 

this whole blogserphere phenomenon has given wings to the 'ramblers of the world'.  the internally terminally lonely yet reletively happy talkative breed of people, from all walks, rhymes and reasons in life...and allowed them to spread their rambling wings in the vast valleys of the deepest and darkest revines......of time and space....."THE internet!"

Here's the the lost daughters of  'Edith Bunker' and 'Mrs. Kravitz.'  may we reign supreme and my those around us be blessed!

In my prayer and devotions this morning,

I stumbled upon a most moving description of the Lord. 

 I would like to share it with you here:

"My beloved is unto me as a cluster of camphire in the vineyards of En-gedi".

~song of solomon 1:14~

As I dug a little deeper, I discovered that a

'cluster of camphire' is essentially a

cluster of henna blossoms. (niv). 

A beautiful fragrant flower. 

My devotional calls this

 'exquisite perfume in abundance!'

As I sometimes struggle along in the midst

of days, moments and seasons that are

 not so 'fragrant'...I am learning to lean more

and more on the beautiful fragrance of my Lord. . 

He sweetens the air I breath. Through the stumbling darkness,

He is my light.  In the midst of my battle, He is my peace.

 my sweet 'cluster of camphire'

Beautiful Lord, may the fragrance of your presence lift us into meadows of sweetness and may we be an exquisite fragrance unto you today.  AMEN

I was visiting  HomeGrownKids  today and was inspired to do this a cute little quiz......it turns out

 I am an Owl Homeschooler too!

" These homeschoolers
focus on the classics, older methods of
teaching, and the study of history. Owl moms
may tend to get burned out from trying to
perfect this method of schooling". 

what kind of Hundred Acre Wood are you! find out here!

What kind of homeschooler are you?

It's been tough trying to stay focused.... but I am learning to grieve while at the same time, 'do the next thing'.  Since the miscarriage, my hormones and my heart are trying to 'adjust'...but it isn't easy.  I can't seem to find my usual joy in doing school right now.  I wake up some mornings and still feel tears welling up.  I know I have to move on, but the grieving can come at odd times and sort of sweep me away. 

I hold dear to my sweet sister's words in her email to me this morning:

"been thinking about you all week, pray that you are doing great and coming out the other side of your trial by fire with increased joy, perseverance, hope and  character of our loving Saviour.  i love you and will call you this weekend. "

I love those words....'increased joy, perseverence, hope and character of our loving saviour' .  I want that.  I know from all my past trials by fire,  I am being formed and shaped into His Character.   in the midst of our trial...it does feel like fire.  we can feel the sting, and become trapped by the pain. for me, the only way out of those moments is by remembering my sweet, loving and gracious Saviour.  He is my light, my strength, my song.

He fills me with HOPE.  he fills all of our empty spaces.  even the empty spaces that once were filled with LIFE, with an unborn child.  I know my babies are with Him now.  right now. I get a peace knowing that He is caring for them 'til i get there.  I also know that they are fullfilling their life purpose at His feet right now.  I know these things because the bible tells me. 

The Lord brought the most beautiful scripture that day in the hospital.  David stood over my bed and used it as a prayer... 

"though the fig tree does not bud, and there are no grapes on the vine, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food....yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my saviour.  The sovereign Lord is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; He enables me to go on the heights."

~Habakkuk 3:17-19

"The Sovereign Lord is my strength".......

I dig a bit deeper into my heart to grasp this.  Through my trembling and tears I cry out to Him...

'In your sovereignty I will find my strength?' 

I meditated on this for weeks.....It was His Sovereign Will to allow this to happen...for us to be a lifetime apart from our baby. But through His grace I was able to find my strength in trusting in His sovereignty.  

My spirit is at peace with finding 'joy in the soveriegnty of the Lord'...i trust Him. even when I don't understand.  My spirit is at peace, but my heart still aches.

That is the place where I am learning to live right now. 

Banana Bread, Apple Dorset Cake, slow cooked molasses ribs, home made baked beans and cornbread........

ahhhhhhh.  yum.

this was my day yesterday.  i baked and baked....to my hearts content.  i told the ds's that in honor of fall, we were only allowed to play games all day.  they LOVED it!  so off they went....my only condition was that is was 'educational'....i didn't hear from them for about 2 hours.  ( a welcom respite).

I was planning a 'fall field trip'...but that plan didn't pan out.  so I did what every 'farm girl' should do on the first day of fall...I BAKED. http://www.maryjanesfarm.org/ ...yes I am a certified farm girl at heart....when I need a  little inspiration I travel with bucket and basket in hand to maryjanes farm.  check her out. 

So I layed Hannah down for a nap...and off i went...into my sanctuary....put on some cozy music and mashed the bananas, chopped up the apples, mixing and beating away the day.

The house smelled heavenly.  when hubby came home, the sweetness met him at the door...and all was well with our world.  we all had a wonderful dinner together by candle light...prayed for the families in the path of Rita and Katrina, and put on our jammies, snuggled into bed and watched 'little house'.....which has become our weekly night ritual.

I am hoping to check out the 'prairie primer' curriculum since the kids love to watch 'little house' so much...i read that my 12 yr old ds may too old...but my 7 yr old may love it.

we needed a little lift around here...trying to stay the course....however difficult it may get some days.  i just always remember this too shall pass...

(like gas)....* wink*

i have been playing around with my blog...trying to figure out how to get some photos on here....alas..i do believe i have figured it out.  this is a photo of my sweet, handsome hubby in our summer garden. 

 i love this photo, because this day was such a blessing to us.  my sweetie worked so hard getting our garden to be perfectly 'organic'...and God rewarded our efforts greatly!  the kids loved picking and eating the 'fruits of our labor' all summer long.

Another day...still figuring out how to go about 'my daily routine' without falling apart.  I have spent alot of time with the sweet Lord....God brought this to me today...i thought it was quite beautiful..

Do The Next Thing

"At an old English parsonage down by the sea, there came in the twilight a message to me. Its quaint Saxon legend deeply engraven that, as it seems to me, teaching from heaven. And all through the hours the quiet words ring, like a low inspiration, 'Do the next thing.

Many a questioning, many a fear, many a doubt hath its quieting here. Moment by moment, let down from heaven, time, opportunity, guidance are given. Fear not tomorrow, child of the King, trust that with Jesus, do the next thing.

Do it immediately, do it with prayer, do it reliantly, casting all care. Do it with reverence, tracing His hand, who placed it before thee with earnest command. Stayed on omnipotence, safe 'neath His wing, leave all resultings, do the next thing.

Looking to Jesus, ever serener, working or suffering be thy demeanor, in His dear presence, the rest of His calm, the light of His countenance, be thy psalm. Do the next thing."

Our first day of 'official homeschool' was two weeks ago wednesday....we got some very sad news.....

we lost our sweet unborn baby.  i was only 7 weeks along.  but i was in love with this tiny creature within.  i had bonded and already I was cleaning out closets and sorting thru HJ's gently used baby things to make room for our 4th child. 

I now am regaining my composure.  able to 'talk' about it...write about it....but only a little bit at a time.  How do i 'do this'?  'I need help' i cried out in my heart as i opened my eyes this morning.  i could tell a gloomy morning would greet me. the sun had hidden himself behind the marine layer and I forced myself to get out of bed and make eggs and  coffee for D before he headed off to work.  

"God, I really need your strength today". 

I have buried myself in the Lord.  I am hopeful that He will provide the strength i will need to grieve and move forward....however slowcoming that strength may be.  

Today:

teach

laundry 

meals....

floors

bathroom

post office

library

grocery store: milk, bread eggs

smile and hug kids

love husband

....honestly...i just want to run to a mountain top ALONE to grieve.

where does the mommy go when she is hurting and needs to ''not be needed'' for a while?  I am having a bittersweet romance with the fact that life goes on...whether I want it to or not. 

from the other room i hear the boys fighting.  i want it to stop...i want to have the strength to get up out of this lonely pity party and 'teach them' to 'love one another and be kind'....i want the strength to give them a pep talk...but.

"when one has no biblical foundation to build upon, one will go the way of the culture."

I read this recently in one of my hs'ing books.  i believe it holds truth. ... lately though...i would have to say that i have noticed this even in our Christian community and churches--- the very place that is suppose to be leading the way for our biblical training and foundation.

are we guilty of becoming "Cultural Christians"?

case in point:  today i had a lovely conversation with a dear childhood friend.  we hadn't spoken in over a year,...and so were catching each other up on our lives.  in the course of our conversation, she (being a non homeschooler -pastors wife) was asking me to share my decisions to homeschool. 

she went on to tell me that in her 'circle'  (which i must admit is a mighty big one) she only knows 4 homeschooling families,  "two of which are 'normal', and the other two....well.....kinda WEIRD".  (her words E- X -A- C -T- L -Y)

*grin*

digging deep for my sense of humour, and desperate to ignore my pregnant hormonal, explosive, fleshly, reactive state of being on this particular day....i chose to bite my tongue and pray for 'WISDOM'.

I was ever so grateful for God's answered prayers...and was fortunate enough to hear my doorbell....(so cliche).  now, after catching my breath, and my sense of humour....looking back, i have to laugh as i lament.  however, it got me to thinking. 

I am homeschooling in southern Calif., the place known for the 'OC', Melrose Place, movie star governors,  and tiny little houses now selling for over a half a million dollars.....the place that coined the phrase  "IT's AAAALL GOOD"

it is?

maybe so, in our  'M -TV", sex in the city -desperate housewives' generation, where  "harry potter" books rule the liteary world of our children.  but last time i checked in with God....it seemed pretty clear to me, it aint all that good.

God help us all if we find ourselves thinking the 'way of this culture'.  I for one am learning to take it as a compliment when others think we are 'weird' for taking our kids out of the 'public school' to educate them at home. 

when my 'christian' (along with non christian) mom friends patronizingly  compliment me on the ability to 'be with my kids ALL day long'...I am learning to find ways to respond without emotion....all the while seeing this as just another example of how our culture views education and even christian mothering.

I am still learning.  i have no answers...i fall short in so many areas...i am NOT judging...i just wanted to vent and make an observation.

God willing, I made some sense...if only to myself.

"you formed my inward parts;  You covered me in my mother's womb.  I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. 

~ My frame was not hidden from you, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.  Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.  And in your book they were all written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them."

psalms 139:13~16

Wednesday 4:13 pm:

An ultrasound technician, a computer monitor, two very excited parents....this was a recipe for peeking into a miracle.   I am only 7 weeks (barely) pregnant....and already, a heartbeat ...a brand new person.  a life.

What better way to spend an afternoon? 

our eyes focus in on a small 'blot' of a creature. A symbol of hope. Watching it's pulse, alive and living in secret, confirming to my eyes what my soul had only begun to grasp.  It was like watching a black and white movie of a butterfly in motion. 

flutter...flutter...flutter..............................HOPE.

Most people would  think after 5 babies, i would be a little less 'moved' somehow.  yet, i realized today, that this baby has only deepened my sense of gratitude. Has somehow opened my heart a 'fifth' time wider, enabling a larger flow of love to embrace this new little person than ever before. oh, to be witnessing the beginning stages of a life..... once again. Not just anyones life...but the life of my own unborn child. (Thank you Lord).

To see that little creature nestled safely inside, and know that soon this person will become someone who's face i will memorize. the arch of the chin, the curve of the ear, the sound in the cry.  someone who's scent and and touch will capture me again and again at 2 am, and 4 am, and forever. 

This dark little mysterious shape, transforming, becoming; livng, beginning,  is my child.

HOPE.

wednesday 4:13 pm ....(2,000 miles away)

A young mother sits on the curb of what use to be a place she called home, her head nestles in close, as she smells the baby's sweet curls.  tears fall from her face as she looks around at the people wandering with no place to go.  the heat is sweltering, she is afraid...she is alone...her home, her life and her job, gone...worse her hope...forgotten..

If only i could give wings to this 'hope' that i have been given today.  I would fly her away to ths mothers.  others face losses most of us will never know, lost husbands, mothers, sisters, and even their own children.  un-imagineable.

Life has a funny way of keeping her mysteries to herself.  'why' was my wednesday 4:13 pm so full of joy, when other mothers were mourning beyond grief?  'why' am I given such a blessing, when other mothers are facing such grave losses?  can we even ask 'why?'. 

"Human suffering raises almost intolerable intellectual problems"

C.S. Lewis

I will choose to say there is hope in this day.  Even knowing that if i turn on the news, there will be tears of other mothers, hungry children...thugs, rapists, evil, loss.

I will choose to say there is hope...because I know there is.  There is hope in a Heavenly Father, 'who's ways are not our ways' but who works out good for evil, for those who believe, those whose hope is in HIM. 

"He gives and takes away, still my heart will say, Blessed be the name of the LORD"