There is a trend I've noticed on the message boards I'm on.  This trend spans not only conservative Christians who are proponents of first time obedience but also those who subscribe to time-out (naughty place) methods and those who are just trying to survive life with children and have no consistent discipline in the home at all. 

The trend?  I can guess, almost without fail, those women who have children who are generally compliant/obedient and those who always buck the system.  If the board owner or moderators address an issue with one of the members, and they respect the authority of those in charge, you can bet that as a general rule, their children are obedient.

However, if they consistently question the decision or argue with the 'powers that be', you can be assured that sometime in the next few weeks there will be a post about how their child fights every request, demand, or idea.  They are the moms that repeatedly post about their child who won't eat, who won't do their school work, who won't get up in the morning or stay in bed at night.  These moms are the ones with argumentative children who have a million reasons why they shouldnt' have to do xyz and who will say completly seriously, "But you said I couldn't have the chocolate chip cookies, these are molasses.

This realization has made me rethink so much of my life.  If I am bothered by behavior of my own children whether it be their spending, their relationship with the Lord, their work ethic, or whatever, I need to look at myself first.  I have a suspicion I can find the source of their lousy attitude.  Unfortunately that source stares back at me in the mirror.  I'd better be the person I want to rear.

Step One

The first thing that a mother (who has been negligent in training her children) must do is to confess her failings.  She needs to confess this to herself, to her Lord, to her husband, and finally to her children.  If necessary, if you are concerned that you will slip back into lazy ways again, you must find someone else, outside of your family that your husband is comfortable with, for you to be accountable.  Someone who will not be afraid to ask the tough questions that you need to have asked.

Humbling yourself is hard.  It is one of the hardest things that a mother can do.  However, if you cannot do this first thing sincerely, then honestly, you will not continue to grow as a mother.  You will continue to operate in the lackadaisical manner that brought you to read an article like this in the first place.

So, do it already!

Step Two

BITE SIZED PIECES.  You cannot overhaul your entire life overnight.  If you could, it would not be healthy!  Imagine what would happen if someone who was 200 lbs overweight decided to lose it all in a month… and DID.  The results could be fatal!  The same goes for trying to become someone else overnight.  It will not work and the failure that you will feel will make it less likely for you to try again.

What does this mean in practical terms?  Pick one area and master it.  Sometimes as you master one thing, another naturally comes along.  That is fine.  Do not fight a natural progression.  But, for the most part, it's best to simply find the area that you know is your weakest and fight it with all of your might.  Study scriptures to encourage you.  Train yourself to fight your tendency to give in.  If you need to learn to not let the phone rule your day, then PRACTICE.  If you need to get up before the children get up, then GET UP.  Do it one day.  The next day, you can do it for THAT day… until finally it is a habit and voila!

If you try to change your tone, get up for each infraction, limit your computer time, have a daily quiet time, do school diligently, train the toddler in one thing a day, and have their meals made of whole foods tomorrow… you'll quit before noon.

Step Three

Give yourself freedom to fail.  "WHAT".  I can hear you now.  "FAIL", I cannot fail!  You can, you will, and you need to be prepared.  Handle it with grace.  "I knew this was going to happen.  I do not have to let it characterize my life.  I can simply repent, confess, and turn away from the sin of … fill in the blank.  STOP expecting perfection from you, your children, your husband… only the Lord has the right to expect perfection from us and even HE says that ALL have sinned!

When you fail, stop.  Do not continue in your failure.  Think of it like a diet.  Your diet allowed two cookies for a treat on Friday night.  You are on your fifth.  There are two options open to you.  You can wallow in your 'failure' or you can stop.  Realize you ate too many and repent!  Put the bag of cookies away.  Give them away.  Throw them away.  But for heaven's sake, you don't have to wallow in it. 

Step Four

Take good care of yourself.  I hear it again!  "WHAT!"  Trust me, I mean it.  Get plenty of rest.  Eat good food with liberal amounts of chocolate during certain times of the month.  Take a walk around the block when hubby walks in the door.  Do your hair, wear something that makes you feel happy, and if you wear cosmetics on a regular basis, GET EM ON!

Step Five

Learn to smile at your children.  Learn to look into their eyes and really 'see' them.  Touch their hearts… and let them touch yours.  Deeply.  Do not let your work around the house create haste in your interaction with your children.  They need vast quantities of your time.  Quality time IS quantity time.  Make sure that your relationship with your children is genuine, loving, and second only to your relationships with the Lord and your husband… and make sure they KNOW it.  Do not just let them 'hear it'… make sure they know it!

Step Six

Begin Children's boot camp.  Work through it systematically.  Remember, your children are your most important job right now.  Forget outside ministries… they ARE your ministry.  Forget hobbies… they ARE your hobby.  If they are fairly well trained and need brush ups, don't force them through more boot camp than they need.  BUT, if they seem reluctant, slow, or frankly resistant… commit yourself to the 'full deal'.

Step Seven

Review each of the steps above on a fairly regular basis.  If you are brave, ask your children if they think that they are important to you.  Ask them if they see you putting them before outsiders.  Ask them if they think you spend too much time sewing, reading, writing, crafting, on the computer or on the phone.  Ask your husband how he thinks you are doing.  Ask the Lord.  Sit before him and ask Him.  "Am I being negligent in this area?  That one?  Please bring to my remembrance anything that I should confess and repent of."  I assure you that it is a painful but eye opening thing to remember shushing a child to answer a phone call from your friend.  (Caller ID is a good and bad thing both!)

In all of this, you'll find interruptions, road blocks and frustration.  How you handle these things shows what your character is.  If you don't like what you see, giving up just lets the flaws in your character to win!   Don't let them win!  Change what you don't like.  If you got impatient, calm down and try again.  My children have heard me say, "I don't like how I sounded right now.  Let's rewind" and then I go on to say things how I should have.  Do it! 

I'll end with this quote from Annie Keary that I found in a book by Elisabeth Elliot "Keep a Quiet Heart".

"I think I find most help in trying to look on all interruptions and hindrances to work that one has planned out for oneself as discipline; trials sent by God to help one against getting selfish over one's work. Then one can feel that perhaps one's true work, one's work for God, consists in doing some trifling, haphazard thing that has been thrown into one's day."

Personal note:  Please do not allow occasional lapses in diligence to override you with guilt.  We all have bad days.  We all have weaker areas.  Just do not let your weak areas or bad days turn into habitual abandonment of your job as a mother.  A perfect example would be medicine that you are supposed to take at regular intervals.  Often, the bottle will tell you that if you forget to take it, take it as quickly as possible.  If you are close to your next dose, skip that dose and do not forget again.  This is how we should view our 'hiccoughs' in parenting.  Try to view them as a bump in the road, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep on going!

The words should bring both terror and joy to every child's heart.  Why?  Because if Mommy would just subject herself to a rigorous training time that child would learn to submit, honor, and obey his parents like never before. 

I wrote the boot camp information years ago because I saw mothers who had the guts, grit, and determination to put their children through an intense training time.  The point was to take undisciplined and untrained children and immerse them in discipline and training to the end that they automatically responded with honor and respect when instruction was given.

One thing I did not plan for was the numbers of mothers who would attempt boot camp and fail to meet the challenge.  I could not imagine mothers who would give up after just a few hours because 'it's too hard' or 'I just have too high needs children'.  I have heard every excuse in the book.  "You must not have children as close together as I do."  "You don't have my health problems."  "I don't know how to relate to them."  "I tried but the baby needed me and everything went down hill."  Ad infinitum.

May I say that none of these statements were reasons?  They were all excuses.  Yes, you CAN do whatever you set your mind to do in childrearing.  This is not rocket science or brain surgery.  This is child training.  This is making nothing in life more important than rearing up godly children for the Lord.  This is about getting up off of the couch, laying the nursing baby down, letting the stinky baby sit in stinky diaper for five more minutes, turning off the stove, hanging up the phone, walking away from the computer or the instant messenger, and DEALING with the situation that the LORD has given you to deal with.

Most women, at some time or another, often constantly, have troubles and trials.  Very few people truly have the trials that make it impossible to do their jobs.  Even bedridden women can train their children in obedience.  It is hard.  It takes longer and more patience but it can be done.  Most of us have troubles and trials that make us feel like we are alone in this adventure (or is it a nightmare?) of parenting.  One woman may have migraines while another may have chronic fatigue.  Neither woman's malady is 'worse' than another's.  Ask each of them and you are likely to find that they would trade places quickly!  Compare a woman with an unsaved husband, and a woman who has little money.  Whose life is more difficult?  What about a family with a chronically ill child and a family with extremely cramped living quarters?  Who is worse off?  The point I am trying to make is that it is an extremely rare situation where someone CANNOT do their job, no matter how hard it seems.  It may take creativity, determination and sheer will power, but it can be done.

Why did you have the children that you have?  Why did you KEEP them once you had them?  You took that responsibility on.  You made the decision to bear, and rear these children.  Now do your job!  Mothers… it is time to realize that being a mother isn't a thirty minute episode of the Walton's or Little House on the Prairie.  You do not get a 'nice little problem' and get to solve it in a pretty little package before going on to tomorrow's 'episode'.  Today may have thirty episodes, one right after another.  It may have one 12-hour episode or it may have none… let those actors take the day off!  The point is, if you thought motherhood was simply baking cookies together and reading stories, you were sadly mistaken. 

Unfortunately, being mistaken does not remove your responsibility.  They are your children.  God has given them to you for the purpose of rearing to HIS glory and you have no right to abandon that job because you 'can't' or it's 'too hard' or 'you don't understand them' or you don't 'feel up to the challenge'.  They are here.  They are yours.  And Mama… it's time to get up off your butler, do your job, and do it right.

I thought a few scriptures might be in order so I will just toss out two or three that I think apply quite nicely.

Philippians 4: 13
I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Proverbs 13:24
He who withholds his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently.

Deuteronomy 6: 9-12

"These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart.
"You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.
"You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead.
"You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

It all boils down to… when you stand before the Lord, what are you going to say about how you reared your children?  Do you think that He will see through your excuses?  Do you think He will agree that your 'nerves' could not handle them?  Do you think that He will understand why you opted to post on a message board to help another mother with her children while yours run around the house unchecked?  Will He agree that it was best for you to let your house lay messy and unkempt as you helped a friend to organize her home or made quilts for orphans while your children ran around looking like street urchins?  Do you really think that the all knowing, all seeing Lord of the Universe will not see through the petty excuses to the heart of the matter?  We are lazy.  We are lazy, self-absorbed, immature people.  If we think that we can fool the Lord into thinking that we are just 'tired', 'have low self-esteem', and are 'still growing in the Lord', we have another thing coming.  It's time to buck up, and do the right thing… even if we don't want to, don't like it, think we can't do it… we can do whatever the Lord has put on our plates to do!

So mothers, are you going to be mothers?  Are you going to rise to the job that the Lord has given to you?  If you could not do it, then the Lord would not have given the job to you in the first place.  You can.  You will succeed with the Lord's help if you will humble yourself and pray, and seek His face, and turn from your wicked (lazy) ways!  (Loosely based upon II Chronicles 7:24)

Overcoming Pitfalls and Weaknesses

Mother's Health

One of the first excuses that I have heard for not owning the responsibility of being a mother at all times and places is that mother's health is poor.  Whether it is something very serious or occasional headaches, I've heard excuses from everyone… including myself!  I also find that other women, with the same or worse symptoms, can rise above their infirmities and make themselves do what is difficult.  Mothering is a rewarding wonderful thing.  It is also hard work and sometimes heartache. 

Children's Health

Closely related to the Mother's health is the health of her child.  He may have a chronic condition, or she may simply allow him to become ugly during illnesses.  I have met parents with a chronically ill child that made more excuses for that child than some presidents have for their immoral behavior.  It is sad to see the other children in a family neglected as the mother concentrates her time and attention on the child who 'needs her most'.  Mother, you are responsible for all of your children.  A sick child must be trained to overcome self and learn to defer to others just as much as a well child.  Whether we are talking about physical, mental, emotional, or learning infirmities, it is the responsibility of the parents to train the child to the glory of God.

Anger

This is one of the most amazing of excuses.  It is the one I find myself using the most.  "I am angry with this child.  It would be wrong for me to handle this situation while I'm angry.  I'll have to wait until I am calm again."  Time goes on, and the child is neglected while we nurse our anger in order to avoid our duty to the child.  Mother, get over your anger.  Control the anger.  Send the child to the other room, gather your training tools, and enter that room in control.  You may still be angry but it is a myth that you cannot discipline a child while angry.  It is WRONG to discipline IN ANGER, but it is not wrong to discipline a child if you happen to be angry at the same time.  You must control yourself and your anger, but you do not have to allow your child to get away with sin because you have sin in your heart as well.

Tiredness/Exhaustion

This one is so hard for so many mothers.  You didn't get enough sleep last night.  The baby was awake, teething, fussing, colicky, or a myriad of other sleep related problems.  You have an undiagnosed thyroid problem.  You have chronic fatigue syndrome or fibromyalgia.  You have back pain that makes it impossible to sleep.  Insomnia, pregnancy, or simple overwork can cause you to feel incapable of getting up one more time to deal with that child.  Let me ask you a difficult question.  If you had to go to the bathroom NOW or mess your pants, would you get up?  If you would not get up, nasty pants or not, then by all means, let yourself rest a moment more… but if you can get up to go to the bathroom, you can get up to deal with a child.  If your house were on fire… would you make it out the front door or be overtaken because of your exhaustion?  Proverbs says that you save a soul from HELL when you turn someone from the error of his way (James 5).  Mother… you can do it.  You can.  You just don't 'feel' like you can and feelings lie.  Do not trust them.  Be completely honest with yourself.  Do not say "I can't" when you really mean "I won't" or "I don't want to".  The very least you can do is avoid lying to yourself.

Failure

While failure is inevitable, we all fail; it is no excuse for not trying again.  It is like falling off a horse.  For your sake and the horse's, you must get back up on that horse and ride it.  I have even heard of people with a broken leg, getting back on the horse, in spite of the pain, in order to show the horse whose 'boss' and to avoid letting fear take over.  That kind of dedication is what your children need to see. 

Home Schooling

One child's need for a spelling test is not more important than your toddler's need for correction when he is trying to dismantle Daddy's stereo system.  The words will wait.  If your child does not know his spelling words enough to wait ten minutes and do something else during that time, then perhaps your child needs to study a bit more anyway.  You cannot let the younger or children that are more 'needy' tyrannize your school day, but neither can you let their academic education rule over their characters.  Give me a simply educated honorable young person over an academic buffoon any day. 

Care for other children

Momma, the diaper can wait.  That child could have filled it at midnight and you would not have known about it until six or seven the next morning.  If he can sleep through it… he can sit in it for another ten minutes.  If you have the diaper half off, refasten it, put the child on the floor, and deal with the culprit that is causing you to miss this marvelous diapering experience in the first place.  If you are helping a sick child, sometimes you cannot leave them to vomit in a bowl to handle a child smart mouthing you.  I agree.  However, you can, as soon as you can move away for a moment, bring the offender to your side and handle it there.  Yes, I do prefer that discipline be done privately, and I would turn my back to the sick child, but if another child wants to try to take advantage of a bad situation, then he will have to suffer for the consequences.

Housework/Meals

I would not have added this if I had not heard this argument with my own two ears.  Yes, there are people who will use the excuse that the vacuum is running, or the stuff might burn on the stove, or… or… or…  Mother, the vacuum can be turned off.  The stove can be turned off.  The windows will wait, the floor can be re-mopped, and the water doesn't have to be allowed to run unchecked as you deal with the child.  Turn it off and deal with the problem. 

Friendships

Just because you have company in your home, does not mean that your responsibility to your children is lessened.  They still come first.  It is still your job to train.  You might have to cut the visit short.  It might feel rude.  I am sorry, but if you will put your visit with your friend above the spiritual well being of your child (And ignoring sin is DEFINITELY putting your friend ahead of your child's spiritual well being) then you have misplaced priorities and need to get right with the Lord.  Do you give your friend the best of your baking?  Do you speak more gently to your friend than to your family?  Do you overlook an offense by a friend but react with ugliness when a family member offends?  Why do those who we should love, honor, and respect the most, get the worst of our behavior?

Family

You can easily let the needs of extended family run your home.  While we are to honor, respect and love our parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and grandparents, we are not to neglect our children and their training for the needs of those who will not answer for our neglect of those children. 

"What people might think"

Mother, whose opinion is really the one that counts?  Your mother's?  Your mother-in-law's?  God's?  The answer is so simple and yet so often we really do allow the opinions of others to influence our decisions, actions and thoughts.  Don't become so focused upon your own ideas that you can't learn from those who have the wisdom of a life time behind their statements, but neither do you allow opinions that are not Godly to override the Word.  Bathe each 'suggestion' or opinion in prayer, immerse yourself in the Word and proceed with caution denying self, taking up your cross, and following HIM.

Ministry

Oh, this one sounds so spiritual!  I have to study for my Women's Bible Study!  I must have my quiet time uninterrupted!  I am making a dinner for a bed-ridden widow!  The orphans need blankets!  Momma… your babies need YOU.  That widow won't starve, those orphans have done without through today, the Bible Study can make it with less preparation and you can find another time for your quiet time or you can learn to handle occasional interruptions.  However, if you teach your children that they can disobey or run wild while you are 'spiritual' you will turn them into copies of Eli and Samuel's sons.

Hobbies

I need my time!  I need something to keep me sane.  It may be so.  Who knows?  However, I do know that if you allow your hobbies to take precedence over the training, nurturing and loving of your children, you will lose them to their own selfish desires.  Find a time to read, paint, sew, crochet, cross-stitch, quilt, or scrapbook when the children are not likely to interfere.  If they do, STOP what you are doing and be a mother first.  In no time, you will find that you are rarely interrupted.  MAKE THE INVESTMENT.

Phone

If you will not get off the phone when trouble arises, then do not allow yourself to get on it for a while.  Then train yourself by pretending to talk on the phone as you go about your day.  Tell your fake 'friend' "Please excuse me… I will have to call you back.  My children need my attention."  Finally, try it 'for real'.   Get on the phone when you are sure that they will 'challenge' you and be prepared to get off the phone.  Make sure that you call someone who will 'let you off'.  Do not start with the acid-test woman who does not take a 'goodbye' seriously.

Computer

Message boards.  Email.  Instant Messengers.  What do these things have in common?  They are time eaters and attention grabbers.  While you're gabbing about the latest curriculum on a message board or instant messenger, your child could be destroying his sibling's math book.  Please be sure you add another book to the shopping list you started when the conversation got interesting, will you?  You can email a friend back and forth for hours, trying to help save her marriage while your children roam the house, eat half of tomorrow's lunch for snack today and destroy the newly planted garden that your husband worked so hard on.  While you talk to a friend about how to train her two-year-old not to touch the wood stove, your two year old could be catching the house on fire.  This does not mean, of course, that you never talk on the phone, use the messenger, email, etc… this does mean that you have to CONTROL THEM, instead of letting them control you.  How sad that we are so quickly enslaved to that which is good and turn it into that which is destroying the home God has given to you to keep and nurture for His glory.

Overwhelmed

This is my pet sin and my most difficult fault to overcome.  When I become overwhelmed, I shut down mentally, emotionally, and physically.  I give up.  A small part of this is something that I cannot change.  The initial shutdown process is involuntary.  The way that I tend to STAY shutdown is another story.  I have a tendency to allow my momentary weakness to fester, grow and blossom into the ugliest piece of nothing you have ever seen.  When overwhelmed, find SOME WAY OUT.  Call for help.  Keep a list of things that you know you can do when you ARE overwhelmed.  Gather your children close and pray.  Do whatever is necessary to the moment.  Do not give into your weak moment.   Do not allow your pitiful self to rule your better self.  DO work hard to drag yourself out as soon as you can.  Take baby steps until you can walk normally again.  If you can't school all of the children at this particular moment because something isn't working, STOP.  Send them all out for independent reading.  Help the one who needs the most help and send the others to write/draw a story.  Put on a history tape or video and watch it with them.  DO something to overcome the problem even if it's small.  You'll find that in no time, you are back to your normal self.

Home Business

Ouch.  This one hurts.  During the busy season, I have been guilty of putting the business over everything in my life, including myself, my husband, my children and my God.  I learned quickly that this cannot happen… but that did not change that it did.  Eventually I tailored my business so that it can only happen if I encourage it to.  I found that I had a weak spot and I plugged up the dyke so to speak.  If you are going to have a business, make sure that it fits the proper place in your life.  If it comes before God, or children… you will regret it.  I guarantee it.

Anxiety/Depression

I am treading lightly here.  I do not want to imply that having anxiety or depression problems are just an excuse to get out of doing our jobs.  True anxiety/depression problems are not what I am 'getting at'.  What I DO see, all too often, is women USING these problems as an excuse.  Many truly do not have the problems that they think they do, many have these problems but can have some control over them and some simply must have help.  I am amazed at what a person who suffers from DEEP depression can handle.  Suffice it to say, it is hard, it is lonely and discouraging, but you can do it.  The Lord will help you.  Ask for help from friends, the church, family or whomever you can but do not let a genuine problem create a NEW one in your life.  Find away to work THROUGH your depression/anxiety, just do not use it as an 'out'.  Those who are using it as a cop-out… you are the only ones who really know who you are.  Please, for the sake of yourself, your family and those who truly have a problem be sure your problems are genuine before allowing them to cripple you.

Confusion/Lack of knowledge/direction

Lack of direction or knowledge is excuse only to grow more in wisdom and knowledge and trust in the Lord.  It is not a cop-out for those who want to quit.  If you do not know what to do, find someone who has been there already and done the job well, and then ask.  Pray.  Read books.  Ask your husband.  Ask a pastor, or minister or elder.  Find a Titus 2 mentor and ask them.  Find a message board with mothers who have been there and ask them.  We do not have to walk the road completely alone.  We can follow in the footsteps of others.  However, using lack of understanding as an excuse to do nothing is foolish, unwise, and sinful.

Finances

Your lack of income, or abundance of it, does not give you the right to give up on the life that the Lord has provided for you.  The poorest of our poor in America have lives of luxury compared to 85% of the world.  Yes, some of us struggle.  Some of us have husbands who work three jobs to keep our families fed.  Some of us have husbands who work three jobs in order to fund fat retirement funds and we never see them either.  The point is; do you really want to stand before the Lord and say, "I was too worried about how to pay the gas bill to train my child in Godliness."  Come on Mama… you can do it.  No excuse is worth the despair you will feel when your children go astray because you were too busy shopping online or fretting over a financial situation that would not be solved by your fretting.

Spouse (Lack of support, not a Christian etc)

Having an unbelieving, unsupportive, unkind, uncaring, or absent spouse only means that your children need you more, not less.  Shouldering the burden of two is not easy, but widows have done it for centuries and usually much better than today's families with two parents.  It is not easy.  I understand that.  Most things that are worth having do not drop in your lap.  Nevertheless, you will not regret it.  When your grandchildren are walking with the Lord, will you be sorry that you invested that time, in spite of your exhaustion and frustration?

Pregnancy/Nursing

Here is another area where I am a wimp.  Morning sickness can wipe a mother out.  I have heard of mothers, crawling from the toilet where they just vomited to handle a child who would not obey while mom lost her lunch.  That is dedication.  I wanted to avoid 'personal anecdotes but I must give this one.  When pregnant with my third child, my oldest, who was just three or so, defied me.  I was lying on the couch, green with morning sickness and wondering how to handle this child.  I could have gotten up.  Honestly, I could have.  Deep down I knew that I could.  If the phone had rung, I probably would have ignored it.  If something had broken in the kitchen, I would have gotten up to clean up the shards for safety's sake.  I COULD do it, I did not want to.  Therefore, instead of taking my child to her room and dealing with her attitude, I sent her to bed.  Shock crossed her face before she fled to bed sobbing.  I thought at first, that she was really being 'punished'.  Then I noticed the change in tone.  It went from cries of hurt to deep wrenching sobs.  My child was truly heartbroken.  I dragged myself off the couch and went to see the problem.  I did not expect my words to be thrown in my face the way that they were.  When asked what the problem was, my daughter wailed, "You don't love me."  As you can imagine I was astounded.  I asked what she meant and her response was clear.  "You said that when I did not obey that you spanked me because you love me.  You said that if you didn't love me you wouldn’t do it because you don't like to have to do it.  You didn't spank me and I told you NO!  You don't love me!"  (Side note; be prepared to eat your words.  Make sure you never say what you do not mean and will not back up with actions!)  This was a great lesson to me that I have NEVER forgotten.

On the nursing side, mother, your baby won't starve or become emotionally warped if you set him down to deal with a child who is misbehaving.  If they see that NOTHING short of being unable to get off the toilet, (I mean, it'd be ultimate dedication to do that!!!) will keep you from loving them enough to discipline them, they'll quickly learn it isn't worth the trouble.   Meanwhile, your baby will inadvertently be trained that if food is forthcoming, and leaves, it will come again.  Patience training at age three months.  Not too shabby mom!

Emotional immaturity

Unfortunately, this is a very real problem with many mothers.  We are sensitive, needy and whiney.  We want our way and we want it now.  How pathetic we are.  The only advice that I can honestly give here is, grow up.  Get over it.  Suck it up, deal with life, and learn to look at the beautiful things in life instead of dwelling on that which you cannot change.

I'll continue in my next blog...

 Crushes.  Hormones.  Emotions.  Heart Flutters.  Attraction.  It happens you know.  I'd like to think it happens younger these days than it did a hundred years ago but Tom Sawyer wasn't very old when he got 'engaged' to Becky Sharp now was he?

I hear many mothers (and I know I was one myself) who think that if you pretend that girls and boys will be uninterested in each other... they just WILL.  If you keep them 'asleep' they won't have hormonal and emotional responses.  Just tell them to say 'no' to their interest in the opposite sex and it'll all go away.  If only it was that easy.

You see, even if your children show no interest or have self-control over their interest in the opposite sex, that doesn't mean that they won't be bothered by others who are less self controlled or who do not hold a standard of 'wait until you're older' for these kinds of relationships.  Your sons and daughters may find them on the receiving end of 'shadows' and even 'propositions' to 'go out'.

My daughters know the boys exist.  They know what they find attractive and what they find repulsive.  They've learned, by the boys who have shown interest in them, what kind of guys they AREN'T interested in as well as those they are.  They know that a relationship is futile and foolish and they work on guarding their hearts but I'd be foolish to pretend that because they don't have a boyfriend that they are immune to boys. 

Sometimes, I think we as mothers are more interested in fairy tales than reality... and I think that we somehow think reality is BAD.  I'm glad to know that my girls find boys attractive... in general anyway!  I don't want them to become emotionally attached to boys and I don't want them mooning over them or, God forbid, lusting after them!  Please don't misunderstand me.  But in this age of society SCREAMING from the rooftops that homosexuality and lesbianism are viable options for our teens, I'm glad to know that my girls are attracted to the gender that God intended!  This is a good thing.

However, because I'm not overly prudish about the possibility of my daughter being attracted to someone, they talk to me.  They know I won't mock them, dismiss them, or be embarrassed myself.  They know that I'm not going to give them a sermon everytime they mention what kind of boys they don't like or do like... and that I'm not going to cut off all contact with family friends just because the son of this family appears to have a crush on my girls.  My girls are learning how to deal with those issues while under our care and protection.  Rather than them being confused, ashamed, or even secretly harboring inappropriate (however innocent) fantasies about some boy, they just talk.  I know who they feel sorry for, who they respect, and I like hearing it. 

I noticed one of my daughters has a Miss Galahadaline complex.  She feels sorry for certain guys and doesn't like to think of them as being hurt.  I was able to point out that many times girls like under dogs.  Their mothering instinct comes out and they want to 'make it all better'.  I was able to casually mention how sad it is for those guys when they enter serious relationships... sometimes marriage... with someone who doesn't appreciate them for who they ARE... rather than who they are not!  I've noticed that the sympathy in her voice is less personal and more general lately.  I think the point went home.  And at little embarrassment to herself!

Now honestly, I'm not done with this season.  My eldest will be married next month.  Almost to the day!  My second eldest is only 16.  So far, however, this openness is working.  I may be singing a different tune when Jenna and Andra come around.  Who knows.  But right now, I am not too concerned.  I'm enjoying having a relationship with my girls that gives them the freedom to tell me what they're thinking... in spite of the fact that in some ways I'd like their lives focused solely on dolls and dogs again!

Ok, so I know it's kind of verbose.  The title.  Up there *points up*.  The problem is that there are terms in our vocabulary these days that we use for 'getting together'.  Unfortunately we also have preconceived ideas about what the words dating, courting, betrothing, friendshipping, specialshipping, or even 'dorting' mean.

In our desperate struggle to fight the failure of the world's system for pairing off (Scripturally for life), we have determined that there is a better way and given that way a new label.  Sometimes, we seem more interested in labels, formulas, and appearances than we do in those who's lives we are toying with.  Our little 'plans' are often little more than experiments in human psychology.

Mention courting in mainstream America and they imagine the nineteenth century with a young man sitting on the porch swing holding a bouquet of flowers and the girl demurely stitching at some 'fancy work'.  Some may think of the Amish and snicker at the concept of bundling.  The idea that people, in today's society, would use the term courting to describe a pairing off process would not cross most minds.

In smaller American circles, the word 'date' has joined the ranks of other foul four letter words.  Dating is considered to be nothing more than a license to sin.  It is the highway to licentiousness.  Dating is nothing more than two people without a smidgeon of concern for the purity of the person they'll be pawing with abandon as soon as the pair excapes the prying eyes of those around them.

Then there is that marvelous word betrothal.  Both of the aforementioned groups see this as an archaic Biblical term for an engagement that is so serious it requires a divorce.  They don't happen today... or so most people think.  Those who practice this process can be very certain of the superiority of their approach.

I say that there are good and bad elements to all of these things.  You see, my problem is that once again, we are trying to legistlate what Christ has not.  Christ calls single people to purity, not to lack of passion.  Scripture calls us to love, not to courtship.  We're called to modesty and defference, not to a superior method of choosing a mate.

I am seriously concerned at the idea that people are being taught that it is right for parents to pick out a spouse for their daughters and the daughters are given little if any veto power.  I know it sounds shocking in our day and age of liberality and feminism, but this is happening.  Daughters, whether by direction or unwillingness to protest, are marrying men because mom and dad think that they should. 

I am not a feminist.  I am against most of the feminist agenda.  I revel in the position God has given me in my home.  I believe in daughters remaining under the authority and protection of their fathers as they grow up.  What I don't believe in, is fathers not rearing daughters capable of knowing their own preferences, having discernment, and knowing when to ask dad to make a decision and when to weigh his advice and make their own.

My daughter is getting married next month.  I remember well the long conversations we had about the whole courtship process.  "How do I know if it is God's will for me to marry him?"  "What if I don't make a good wife?"  She looked at things from every angle.  I was thrilled.  The questions he asked her were pointed and difficult.  "Are you willing to move away from your family if we need to?"  "Are you prepared to live very frugally?"

I was glad to see them both asking difficult and often abiguous questions.  I also asked difficult ones myself.  "Are you sure this is what you want?"  I tried to put doubt in her head.  Part of that is her youth.  She's young.  She's making a decision for life.  That isn't an easy thing to do.  However, I made the same decision, at the same age, and I've never regretted that.  I didn't want to make her confused or treat her as if she was incapable of the right decision, I just wanted her to really have to consider the question rather than give the impression that I was pushing for this.

My daughter is getting married.  She's marrying a wonderful man.  She's making an adult decision that is permanent.  We've counseled her.  We've discussed what will be hard about it and we've discussed the blessings.  We've made it clear that we are 100% behind her... whatever she chooses. 

We would have been just as happy to keep her here with us for the next 20 years... but only if that is what SHE wants for her life based upon what she believes the LORD wants for her life.

She's marrying her only 'boyfriend'.  She'll walk through life knowing he's the only man she's ever kissed.  She's escaped one of the worst pitfalls of America's dating process.  She's pure.  She's marrying because of her own decision.  We didn't make it for her.  We didn't push, pressure, or prevent.  She got to know him away from our prying eyes and ears but without compromising propriety or reputation.  He took her out alone to public places.  The grocery store, the feed store, to pay a bill, to his parents house, to work on his yard, or to a local play or concert.  She knows him.  She doesn't know a facade put on for public show.  Too many women marry the facade and get stuck with the man.  Challice is marrying the man.

We didn't do everything 'right' in this situation.  I think there are things we would have done differently if we had it to do over again.  Nothing serious and it wouldn't have changed the outcome, but we still would have made some changes. 

The problem is, I don't think it'll matter for our next daughter.  She's a different person.  She'll be marrying someone vitally different.  She'll most likely be much older.  She'll also have different areas of weakness and strengths.  He'll have different areas of weakness and strength. 

We learned a lot from this process but the one thing I think I'll take away more than anything else, is that I am now more firmly convinced than ever that I don't want a list of formulas and high-sounding terms.  I want a memory of godliness, surety and trust.  I want to be a month away from my next daughter's wedding and know with the certainty that I have now, that all is well and that we all did the right thing.

I no longer fear the future in regards to my daughters.  God has proven Himself faithful (as if He needed to.  oh me of little faith).  He has wonderful husbands for my girls... and I pray I am given the wisdom to teach them all discernment in choosing their spouses.

Along the same thread as my conditional submission post, I've gotta put my .02 in on my new thoughts on obedience.

If we as wives, do not have to do the right thing, simply because it is right.  If we are allowed to wait until our husbands are in line with the Lord before we submit to them, I submit to you (pun intended) that our children do not have to obey us as we'd like until we show perfect obedience and deference to the Lord.

I say it is time we quit focusing on our children's short comings and work on our own.  They have a life time to recouperate from poor training... we've got only half a lifetime left to perfect ours! 

Let them rule the roost, run wild, speak with attitudes while we turn our platitudes into our attitudes.  They've got plenty of time to learn what we haven't yet.  It is downright unjust for us to require of them what we do not do perfectly ourselves.

I know... I know... it means a harder life for them later.  I know that truth doesn't change depending on the bearer's perfect living of that truth, but it's hypocritical and snobbish to require it and  whatever we do, we MUST be fair.  FAIR is the rule you know.

So next time your child tosses her shoes aside instead of putting them away, ask yourself, "Do I always put my shoes away?"  If the answer is no, then by all means, do not make them do it right.  They can master the habit somewhere around your age.  AFter all, it didn't kill you!