On the road...back Home

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Just learning to be who I am..but still trying to find out who that is. Love my kids, of which I have 6 Some are now homeschooled, and some are not. Working, going to school, and trying to be there for everyone and everything.

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An update of sorts

I am getting ready for work and decided I needed to post a blog entry RIGHT NOW.

I have been doing so much, but really not much at all.
Working, working, housework and surfing the web.
I miss my kids, but they love school. Some of the things they tell me scare me..but I have promised to leave them in for the year.
On the adoption front. Same old same old.
I have been on myspace pages belonging to brothers sisters, and nephews and nieces. My fathers children and grandchildren have myspace pages. I found them and just go on and read what they have to say, look at their pictures and hope that one day they put a picture of my father on their page. I still don't know what he looks like.
I try not to look at myspace pages of my mothers daughters. It hurts to much to see them as a family and realize what I have missed and still miss not being included.

I haven't contacted either birth parent for a while. I don't want to.

Now, I am on the verge of another adoption problem. I am wondering if I should contact my aunt who was raised in the same family as I was. I found her son and daughters myspace page, but the one reason I don't want to reach out to her, is that I will have to have contact with my adopted family and I can't handle that now. She is very close to one family member who I most definitely don't want to see right now. I have to much bitterness toward that one person.

But...I feel so bad for my aunt. Both her birth parents (my grandparents) are died and she never ever met them. I wonder is she has some of the same feelings I do. I also wonder if she ever thinks of her biological family. I know she has had contact with one of her sisters.
I think alot about how hard it is not to ever get to know your mother. No matter what roller coaster emotions I have had with my mother, I am so happy to have answers and insight to my life and origins.
She won't ever have that.

The weird thing is that if it wasn't for her, I would never have found my mother.
While searching on the net, I came across the obit for my grandmother. Right in that obit was my aunts name. The family had included her in the family and I knew that was my grandmother without a doubt. In that obit was my mothers new married name. I searched her and voila I found her and all my sisters and brothers. So she had a large role in my reunion, and she doesn't even know it.

I almost emailed my nephew, her son, through his page. But, I am not ready. I prayed about it and even dreamed about it and I just feel its not the right time.

So, I wait...and wonder and worry.
I haven't seen her for almost 15 years. Thats a long time. But, through the net, I got to see pictures of one daughters wedding, her grandkids and some holiday celebrations. Thats enough for me..for now.

Posted: 8:28 AM, Oct. 6, 2008

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All in a days work...

Or not. I was off today and had a plan to get so many things done. Which I didn't. I read a book..all of it today.
What did I do?
Well, I did a few loads of laundry, but did not finish it.
cooked breakfast, lunch and dinner
Had to walk to pick up my daughter from school...that was tough.
Helped kids with school work, gave kids bath and then put them to bed.

What I didn't do...
Scripture study and family prayer
Clean bathrooms. Sweep and mop the whole house
Finish laundry, sort and put away ALL the clothes
clean the fridge and finish cleaning the kitchen.

What I wanted to do...
QUIT MY JOB.

ok, ok, I know i was whining for weeks about getting a job, needing more money, helping my hubby.
I knew what I was getting into..but now that I am into it...I want to be home again. BUT..I want the money too. How to do that?
There is no way!!
Sigh...

Also, I wanted to clarify the last post.
I have mellowed out with the feeling about my mother. No more huge highs and lowest of lows. Now it just....there.

I love speaking to her, but realize that we have no foundation for a life long relationship.
So, now I just want to go back and have my life with no obligations.
Is that fair? Probably not.
I searched for her and found her. Does that mean I have to continue the relationship?
She wants a relationship, a long term one. I wanted one? But not like this. Not a relationship made up on only phone calls. Nope, I don't want that. We will never get to know each other like that. Never.

What is my obligation? What do I have to do? I don't know!!
I don't want to hurt her, but I can't just call and talk about the weather.
I don't even want her to come visit me anymore, after she has canceled the last two times she was supposed to come. Or was it three, I don't even remember.
Well..again. What am I obligated to do.

What do daughters do? I really have no idea how to proceed from here. None at all.

So, what do I do now?

Posted: 11:32 PM, Sep. 24, 2008

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I wasn't going to, but then I watched law and order

I was going to come and blog about something. Anything other than adoption. Anything at all.

Like, how my car broke down. Like how my dh passed his 3rd phase of his PO course.

How my day was..how I am hoping I can afford a new family car. Maybe alittle on the Ike refugees here in SA.

Anything but adoption. But then I watched law and order. Sara Gilbert was a guest star. She played a birthmother. She gave a great peformance. Heart wrenching.

Not only that..I spoke to her again. Twice this week.

She seemed very happy to hear from me. I think my feelings have finally stabilized.

I think I am already in the pulling away phase. The I don't need this relationship phase.

I went from wanting to move ASAP to be near her to wondering when I can get on with my life without her. Sad, but true.

Posted: 11:26 PM, Sep. 23, 2008

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spoke with her

I spoke with my mother yesterday. It was a great conversation. I only felt like crap a couple of times. Example 1. She was explaining how even her raised daughters had a rough life, EVEN THOUGH she was by their sides. I understand she was trying to help me understand that she was not being a great mother and that she gave me away to save me from that. She was upset that I didn't get the great life she thought I had. So why did I feel bad? Because they had her by their side. She was there. They had a terrible life, I had a not so great life, but they had their mother. I had no one. Example 2. This on is hard to explain without going through the whole entire conversation. Suffice it to say, that we got on the topic of her sister, my aunt who was also given away to the same family. I told her a little about her life (which was not good either) and wondered why my aunt continued contact with an afamily member who treated her so bad. I told my mother that I guessed she might be all alone and this family member is the only person she has a connection to. My mother proceeded to tell me that my aunt just had to call them and that she had lots of family members who loved her. She said that they could call each other a few times and see each other when possible. So, whats wrong with that answer? Nothing really except that leaving someone who you see on a daily basis, talk to on a daily basis for a family of strangers who might call you once in a while and who you might see every now and then is no substitute. So even if this afamily member is terrible, she is there. I tried to explain that to her, but I don't know if she understood what I was trying to say.

Posted: 7:41 AM, Sep. 12, 2008

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the future

is really scary.
But, not really.
Right now I am a total contradiction in feelings. I have no control of what I feel.
I want to be happy..actually I am. I am really really happy.
I am happy that my kids are doing well in school. I am happy that I am going to graduate a homeschooler.
I am happy that I have a job and I am happy that I found my family, both mother and father
BUT............................
I am also sad.
I am sad that my kids are in school. I miss them here. I am sad that I might not have a chance to homeschool after my son is done. I am sad that I have a job. (hate being away from my kids). I am sad that I found my mother and father..after such a long time and such a huge divide.

see, contradictions.
When I last spoke to Frank, about a week ago, he said I really sounded happy. And I could truthfully say that I was happy. I have so much to be happy about.

But there is much to be sad about.

BUT..............the best thing to be happy about is the future. I have so much to look forward to that if I never get anything from this day forward I won't miss it.

I have so much more than I did...and I need to realize that ASAP.

So, sorry I said I hated my mother, because I don't. I just Hate what she did..not her. I don't even know her. I want to know her..I want to and then again....(contradictions)

Posted: 1:26 PM, Sep. 10, 2008

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