Things I found while cleaning

August 26, 2009 in Uncategorized by Mantirwen | 2 comments

Greetings, Earthlings!

I’m sure you’re on the edge of your seats, but allow me to give a brief introduction.

My alias is Mantirwen, and I’m a packrat. (Hi, Mantirwen.) Over the years people – usually members of my family would tell me I had a problem. I didn’t want to admit it because because I didn’t want to let go of the things I’d collected around me. But, through no fault of my own, I ended up maturing over the years. I really realized I had a problem when I considered the idea of moving. Now, we don’t know for sure if we’ll move, but at this point in my life, even the idea was enough to make me look around and go, "Wow… I don’t want to move all this stuff."

So, without further ado, I present some of the highlights of my clutter-weeding over the past week or so.

-A whole lot of dolls and stuffed animals from storage. Some of them I didn’t remember even on sight. Yeah.

-Small, rectangular slips of paper on the floor of my closet. Perhaps once destined to be tickets, but discarded in a fit of memory loss?

-Some things I’d forgotten I had but still don’t want to get rid of. Like the figurine that used to be my sister’s, the one of the Indian – er, Native American – on a horse shooting his bow. I used to think it was so cool. And for some reason I can’t part with it.

-Dolls with hair falling off. And some of those I can’t bear to part with either. *sigh* Maybe someday.

-You know those drinks that come in the little plastic barrels? Well, apparently I once thought they were cool. I found on in a toy box. That I could part with.

-I finally read this Illustrated Classics edition of The Count of Monte Cristo. More interesting than I expected. But talk about depressing! Yeah, didn’t need that around. I don’t even remember when I got it…

-You’ll love this. In my closet, in a plastic storage box, I found… drumroll, please… candy wrappers! I’d forgotten I had them. There were at least four sandwich bags full of them. I was glad to be alone in the house, because I could talk to myself. I said "wow" a lot over that one. :)

If you happened upon this blog and read that… well… I’m sorry. Gather up your shreds of sanity, flee, and never come near this place again. Unless of course you don’t mind the insanity. :)

Providence

August 7, 2009 in Uncategorized by Mantirwen | Permalink

So. Providence. In my last blog post I concentrated on our trip, and how good it was. I barely touched on the providential aspects at all. I mean, suddenly after this trip I’m looking back at the past year, and more, and thinking, "Oh, THAT’S why!"  (Despite all the things I’m sure I can’t remember.) It’s a privilege everyone wants, but rarely gets. So I’ll try to savor it, and wait patiently for the next piece of the puzzle. Maybe it will be the one I half-expect, or maybe it will open up a new section of the puzzle I never dreamed was there.

Patience is hard. Before all this obvious providence was thrown in my face (the only way I’ll ever notice it, quite frankly), I was frustrated with the way things were. I still get frustrated a lot. But I can feel change in my blood. If the feeling is right, change is coming.

O Lord, help me keep this feeling of wonder and readiness. Help me to be properly mobile.

So, whether you’re frustrated or excited, it’s always hard to wait. Reminds me of a poem I wrote once, about how we’re always running toward something. The object isn’t always good, but we’re always running. It’s in our nature, I guess.

Anyway, this started out as a post to tell you about the providential things that have been going on, but it took on a life of its own. So that will have to be a subject for another time. Maybe in another week or so we’ll know what’s going on… Insofar as we can know. Until then, I really hope I can expend all this nervous energy on something productive.

People I saw on the trip? I miss you. People I didn’t get to see at church last Sunday: I miss you. See you soon.

Travels or Travails?

August 5, 2009 in Uncategorized by Mantirwen | Permalink

Were we only gone a week? As we started on our long drive home, Daddy commented that it seemed like more than that, because of the three very different sections of the trips. But no, it wasn’t travails. Sure, there were hard bits. But come on: we were away from home. We were out of our comfort zone. Discomfort is to be expected. And as for me, the discomfort was eclipsed by the good parts of the trip.

We spent two nights with my grandma and aunt and uncle. That was a quiet time of renewing a little knowledge of mommy’s side of the family (not all of it – there’s a lot to know!), of talking, of taking pictures (or trying to – now I know where mommy gets her aversion to cameras from: it seems to run in the family :-) ), of quietness. We picked blueberries. The time passed quickly, with many of the clocks’ chimes going unnoticed (once I got used to them :-) ).

The second and third phases of the trip were much more unexpected, so I have more to say about them.

The second phase was the FORC synod/conference. I expected to meet a friend who I’ve known from online for three years now. That came true, and rather well, I thought. :-) I also expected to wander around the rest of the time, make some acquaintances with whom I would have a relatively pleasant though uneasy relationship, and be semi-bored the rest of the time. On that count I could not have been more wrong.

People helped us carry our luggage up to our rooms. I thought, "Okay, nice people. This is slightly awkward, though." It was very awkward, not knowing anyone. After awhile we settled down on the deck overlooking the lake with someone Daddy had met at other synods. (Mommy and I had never been to any before this one.) Gradually more people joined us. There was some amusing jocular insulting going on between two of the men that helped me relax a little. Then it was time to go to supper. I stepped off the deck and something behind me caught my attention. A teenage guy was grinning and trying to push an obviously shy girl to "go say hi".

I saw the situation in an instant. They were right next to me; I could tell she was supposed to say hi to me. But she was so shy. All at once I was both amused and, as a sometime introvert-becoming-extrovert, protective. How dare he push her before she was ready? I "rescued" her by introducing myself, and gave the incorrigible guy a hard time when he tried to get her to say something. Long story short? I ended up friends with them. And with their friends.

Three days later, when we had to say goodbye, it was like I’d known them for… I don’t know. It’s not like I know everything about them, but they were as easy to talk to as if I’d been a part of their group for months, if not years. How did that happen? Does it even matter? Isn’t it enough that it happened? Even if we had to say goodbye? But we exchanged contact info. No way I’m giving up on them that easily. (Hear that, guys? You can’t get rid of me, haha.)

And I love that when dear Chloe (my friend from online) showed up, we got along quite well. And she got along well with my new friends. She honored me with a wonderful gift – a watch that she’s worn a long time, to her European travels this year, to camp last week, and who knows where else. And she had the brilliant mind to put it on an elastic hair band when the watch band broke. Think of the handiness of that and I’m sure you’ll agree all watches should be sold thus in the future.

So then we left. That was hard. But then we went to spend a couple nights with friends of the family. And I was wrong again. I thought it would be awkward, since I barely knew them, having moved away when I was quite young. But there was hardly any awkwardness at all. They’re just not that kind of people. There was talking and walking and taking pictures.

I think this was a necessary part of the trip, to wind down and heal before going home to resume normal life (as the first part of the trip was necessary to ease into traveling) – though hopefully not quite as normal as before, if I can help it. I really needed to get out of my comfort zone. I can see now that it wasn’t as great as I thought it was. There are great things about it that I think I shall keep, but a lot of it could use remodeling.

O Lord, don’t let me turn into a concrete statue again. Help me to be properly alive and industrious and aware of people who need me. Help me not to let the dust collect on me again.

So, all in all, it was brilly. Positively brilly. Best kind of senior trip. The kind we needed.The kind money can’t buy. It was providence. Seriously. No one but God could have arranged it so well. And, from this blog post, you don’t know half of the providential things. It was beautiful to see.

Thank you, Lord.

I should write a blog post

April 3, 2009 in Uncategorized by Mantirwen | 1 comment

Yeah. I should.

So… am I really crazy?

March 20, 2009 in Uncategorized by Mantirwen | Permalink

Maybe it’s because spring is coming. Maybe it’s because I’ve discovered I can be the opposite of shy. Maybe it’s the confidence from not just that but the way this story I’m working on seems to be coming together. Maybe it’s all of the above.

Would you think I was crazy if I said I was going to try to put on a play? I feel a little crazy. Yes, I’ve been feeling a little wild, just a tiny bit not-quite-tame. That could spring coming. But it makes me wonder if I really am a little crazy, a little wild. What makes me think this most is that I feel like it would be okay if I was.

Hey, I can walk up to people and talk to them! Even sometimes have things not go my way or have plans change mid-step and actually deal with it instead of getting upset. I can survive long pauses and still come up with something to say. I can deal with the stress of someone pouring out their problems to me, because I love them.

So, what it this then? Is this growing up? Goodness! If they’d told me it was like this, full of confidence and life, I might have signed up sooner, haha.

So now. Putting on a play. Script, people, location, money, time. Time, no problem. :) The rest I’ll deal with one at a time, and then we’ll see. I’ve wanted to be in a play. We’ll see. Lord willing, this will work.

My sister and I we were talking on the phone recently about something completely unrelated. It was then that she said I sounded completely psycho. Allow me to respond with a disturbing, too-wide grin. Psycho? Dunno. Crazy? Always! And you should know. :)

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