So, I know that I have had this information for some time now.  YOU have had this information for some time now.  However, between anxiety over another abruption, early labor, BEDREST, etc I don't think that I thought about HER a lot until yesterday morning. I woke up early yesterday, the morning of my baby shower, and I just thought, "There is going to be another sweet, baby girl herein 5 1/2 weeks!!"  I began to sob and I continued sobbing through the shower and through the girls b-day party in the afternoon.  They were extremely good tears. I was just so happy and joyful about wondering what she would look like and what personality she wold be.  Will she be a fat, chubby little baby like two of my girls or will she be long and lean like my oldest and my son?  Will she have the curly hair that dawns the heads of all but one of my children or will she have my board-straight hair?  Will she cry a lot or will she sleep through the night early.  It is amazing that, even after four babies and KNOWING that I will be exhausted and tired those first several weeks, I can't help but be excited about the buzz that surrounds a new baby coming home.

So now the preparations REALLY begin.  I have been baking for a week. Today, I am starting to direct the organization of the house again.  We got the cradle up from GA this weekend, so I am really ready to get everything settled just so. Ya know? This is going to be hard to do from the bed : ) While the kids and Nathan are at church this morning, I will come up with a plan.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't find a way to visit all of my friends here at HSB. What is the deal?  When I go to my "friends" page, there is a "non-working" message there. What are my options?  I want to catch up and see what is going on, but I suspect that is why my visitors have been few and far between as well.  Any ideas for me?

Let me say first how grateful I am that I haven't been put on restricted bed rest.  We have been doing what we can; which includes me taking it as easy as possible with four little ones during the day alone and then going straight to the bed (or couch) as soon as Nathan gets home from work.  This has helped a lot and I have had only one small bout of contractions and not nearly as much pressure.   Today, I felt pretty good  and had a little burst of energy, so I dusted and vacuumed the living room while the kids were tidying up other areas in the house.  I didn't have any physical repercussions yet, so I am taking that as a large encouragement.  I am praying that I don't have any tonight. 

Even with all of this going on, I can't shake the feeling I have that everything is going to be okay and that little Annagayle will come closer to her due date. As of now, she will come via C-section around the 22nd of March.  If the u/s in a week or so shows anything else then we will adjust accordingly. 

In the meantime, I am just going to keep snuggling with the kids in bed for as long as they will let me.  We have played a hundred rounds of the game TROUBLE and have actually seen the kids start learning some very valuable lessons for through the game.  They have chosen graciousness and mercy more times than not rather than bump their brother and sister back to "home". (If you re familiar with the game, then you know what I mean.)  That being said, we have discussed strategy and healthy sportsmanship, but it has been nice to see the kids not automatically "go for the throat" of their opponent/sibling.  This is one of the good games we got the kids for Christmas this year.  We also got them "Let's Go Fishing."This one takes patience for the parents, but I think teaches them patience also. It also seems to help with hand-eye coordination.

So, we may not be cracking the books, so to speak, these days, but we are most certainly learning and teaching the days away. With all of the reading we have done together over the last few weeks and the fun we have had playing games together, the girls especially have learned leaps and bounds.  I can't help but to think that this is EXACTLY what the Lord intended for me to see through this. He knew how much I needed to relax where homeschooling was concerned and recognize His sovereignty over even the education of my kiddos.  He prepares so many teachable moments for us that I am seeing how little I need to stress over WHATEVER route we take.

Have a good day!

The  OB recommended bed rest for me until at least my next appt.  Then they will do an ultrasound and see how the baby is doing.  I have been having some bouts with contractions and a lot of pressure with any activity at all.  Since my water broke at 36 weeks with my last two babes, they don't want to take any chances of it breaking earlier. I am in good spirits, but simply not able to stay completely of off my feet during the day when I am home alone with my four babes.  We are seeking someone to help out while Nathan is at work, but so far we haven't had much luck.   We are doing everything we can, so I pray that it will be enough to keep this newest blessing in and staying put for as long as possible.  The Dr's said that the next step would be hospitalization and that would be nearly impossible.

Please pray for us as we get through this together.  God is taking care of us, we know. 

Angela

...a sweet, older lady comes over to your table at a restaurant and says, "Your children are adorable and you should be commended for their behavior" and you burst into tears!!!!!

Admittedly, it was a VERY nice compliment and I was EXTREMELY proud, but I began boo-hooing!!! I mean, I was wiping my eyes with the napkin and getting mascara everywhere.

I hope that you all had a Happy New Year!  Nathan and I managed to stay up until about 12:20 am, but I paid for it severely the next day and was SOOOO blessed to have Nathan home for the holiday to help me carry the load. I am just either too old, too pregnant, or with too many little ones (or a combination of the three!!!) to stay up past 10 anymore.  We got a picture of us at midnight with the self-timer, but I am destroying it . It was AWFUL and we both agreed that the only thing sit would be good for is as a "before" picture!!!

Have a wonderfully blessed new year!

The Lord has given me a gift this week. I was sort of dreading this week with Christmas on Monday and Nathan going back to work on Tuesday. Normally, it would be a crazy week with all of us still on holiday/vacation mode and Nathan gone. Instead, I resolved early to just bounce right back into our normal routine, schedule and all, and it went perfectly. We have had one of the best weeks we have had in a long time.  The kids have been enjoying their toys during their free time and we have gotten a lot of purposeful reading done.  The house has stayed clean, because I added clean up time to our schedule and everyone helps, even my two year old.  Yesterday and today have been a little more difficult just because we are all ready for the weekend, but all-in-all it has been a  breeze.  I am seeing a lot of hope in our future of homeschooling now that I am finding my balance in rigidity and flexibility.  The thought of doing this next year with 6 under 6 isn't as frightening as it was a few months ago.

My 3 yr old son is in an off and on battle of wills with us as he tries to bridge the gap between being a little boy and a "big boy" now that he is potty-trained.  He is still so little physically that it is hard not to laugh when he asserts himself over silly things like putting his underwear on : )  This to shall pass, as they say. 

HAVE A HAPPY NEW YEAR & God Bless You all!!!!

Yesterday, our pastor preached on the Magi. It was really a great and informative sermon.  We learned about the MANY significances in their journey and placement in the Christmas story.   It was such a great service.  We sang "We Three Kings", but with a revision to the "Kings" part.  One of our worship leaders revised it, because they weren't actually kings. That is legend that has been added and we enjoyed the revision.  I had never sung all of the verses and I just LOVE that song.  Here are the words to the "NEW" version that We sang. Only the first verse was altered to be Biblically correct. Everything else is the same.

"The Gifts of the Magi"                            

Magi, we are traveling far.

Bearing gifts, we follow a star.

Heaven tells us; Christ compels us:

Worshippers now we are.

O star of wonder, star of light,

Star with royal beauty bright,

Westward leading, still proceeding,

Guide us to thy perfect light.

Born a King on Bethlehem’s plain

Gold I bring to crown Him again,

King forever, ceasing never,

Over us all to reign.

Frankincense to offer have I;

Incense owns a Deity nigh;

Prayer and praising, voices raising,

Worshipping God on high.

Myrrh is mine, its bitter perfume

Breathes a life of gathering gloom;

Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying,

Sealed in the stone cold tomb.

Glorious now behold Him arise;

King and God and sacrifice;

Alleluia, Alleluia,

Sounds through the earth and skies.

I haven't mentioned homeschooling in a while.  We aren't operating anything formal here.  Instead, I am using this pregnancy as a time to enjoy teaching my oldest two daughters. I think that formalities got in the way of the first few months we had in homeschooling.  Now, we are reading a lot of books.  My five yr old is reading chapter books without a problem and my four yr old is reading books like "The Story of Ping" and Apples to Oregon: without needing any assistance from me.  They have learned ten times more since I relaxed than they did when I was planning, planning, and planning.  They are writing in journals and my oldest has taken to creating her own evangelism tracts : )  She is such a little Missionary in the making!! 

We begin our family food drive tonight and are looking forward to seeing God work through it to minister to not only the people we will serve, but in the hearts of our children too.

Have a Merry Christmas!  If I don't get back before New Years, have a great one of those too!!

******WARNING!!!  This blog is a reflection of OUR choices and our beliefs****

I have to say that I am absolutely baffled by the dissection Christmas!  To us, Christmas is a respectable, honoring of the fulfillment of prophecy back from the beginning of time that told us that a Savior would come.  In our family, we celebrate Christmas (Christ's birth) as a Religious Holiday. Why? Because we are Christians and Christ is our Savior; a key figure ( to say the least) of our religion. Do I think that there is a verse in the Bible that says, "Have a tree on My birthday or you will pay!!!" No, I don't. Do I think that there are mandates (as a Christian) as to how you celebrate Christmas. Nope!  Do I think that everyone should follow a set guideline on how to celebrate within your own family? NO.  So, why is it that so many people feel the need to define Christmas as religious or not?  I have elaborate birthday celebrations for my children each year. I take time to honor them and to thank God for the gift of their life. Why wouldn't I do the same for my Savior? The difference is only that Christmas Day is a day set aside to corporately celebrate this day.  This is why the real Saint Nicholas chose this day to begin with.

We have a Christmas tree; not because the Bible says to (which it doesn't), but because we think it is pretty.  We open presents, because we think it is fun, not because it is a commercial overtaking of our home or because of any other mandate. Nor do I think that opening presents should be the center of the day.  Again, it doesn't say either way in the Bible, but just like any other day, greed shouldn't become the focus of the day.  For that reason, we don't allow our children to make Christmas lists.  We want them to be gifted by someone. If someone asks me for a suggestion for our kids, my standard answer is, " It is your money and an acknowledgement of your heart, so you choose."  There have been times when I have said no to items that I felt weren't appropriate for our kids, but that would happen anytime of the year and the people the buy for my kids are respectful enough to call and ask. 

We don't "do" Santa.  For us, It was a decision based on prayer and contemplation of the future with our kids.  We made it before we even held our first blessing. We, personally, didn't want to present any falsehood as real to them at any time; however innocent it may be. They know who Santa was and they know he is a legend.  IN the same way that they don't believe that The Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, or Bob the Tomato are real, they don't ever think that Santa comes into our home and leaves them gifts. It was a tradition that we decided didn't line up with the truths we wanted to present to our kids, because to continue in the tradition, we must tell them things as facts that were simply not true.  Smaller issues have caused some to stumble and we didn't want to contribute that knowingly in the lives of our kids.. That was what we decided.  We don't condemn those that do. Just like clothing choices and teaching choices, we choose what is best for OUR kids; not anyone else's.  At the same time, we don't expect our children to lie in order to honor this tradition for someone else.  What would that teach them?   It tells them that traditions are more important than truth.  That is a scary journey I don't want to embark on with a new little Christian or one that is so close to surrendering her heart at all!! Why can't people respect that? ARGH!!! (Sorry-sore subject for me.)

So why is it that people need to define Christmas so much?  Is it a "Christian Holiday"?  What does that mean?  Does it mean, is it sanctioned by the Holy Church of whatever?What does it matter?  It seems that defining it as a "Christian Holiday" may force people to cut things out of their traditions that conflict with their faith and maybe that is real the issue over the labeling.  I consider it as a "Christian Holiday", because it is the day that we corporately, as a religion,  honor the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ.  Does it make me less of a Christian, because we put a tree up and that isn't in the Bible? No, and I defy anyone to say that it does.  We don't worship it. We don't covet anyone else's. We don't lie or murder to get it. We just think it is pretty.  We also use it as the entry into which we read the true account of Christ's birth from the Book of Luke every year.  During our gift opening time, someone will open the gift that holds our family cross ornament. At that time, we stop the gift opening (wherever we may be in the course of it), they hang the cross on the tree, and DH reads the story from Luke. It is a wonderful tradition that has brought me to tears of joy in past years as my children have one by one begun to recite the Scripture from memory with DH..  I am confident that having a tree with lights on it isn't in conflict with my faith, so I can continue it. 

Maybe I am naive. Maybe I am just simple-minded, but I don't know why it must be so complicated. If you want to sing Jingle Bells (which by the way is a Winter song, not a Christmas song in any way), sing it.  You are responsible for what you choose to do on a daily basis, not just on this day. We live and we try to make decisions that glorify the Kingdom of God and fulfill the great commission DAILY.  If you choose to celebrate the holiday in a way that would honor Christ just as you choose to honor him on any given Tuesday, it won't matter if it is called a "Christian Holiday" or not.  There may be more garland and lights, but I don't bake birthday cakes every day either.   I wouldn't do anything on my family's birth days that would conflict with the faith I am teaching them about and yet  those too are days that we (as a family) honor God's gift to us. So, I guess in a way those are "Christian Holidays" to us too.  Halloween is a truly pagan holiday that we choose not to participate in.  We do celebrate Reformation Day (the same calendar day as Halloween) as a religious holiday. We aren't commanded to, but we feel that the Reformation is an important day in the history of our family's religion.  We don't use it as an excuse to invoke fear in others, throw safety measures we would ordinarily adhere to out of the window, or to participate in the ghoulish traditions that society commonly does.  We don't see that the "holiday" itself is a reason to make exceptions to our lives just as we wouldn't on any other day.

So, all that to say, you don't have to call Christmas a "Christian Holiday" if you don't want to.  However, you should be careful to follow the same set of commandments that you choose to adhere to M-F on any given week. (May I suggest the BIG 10 as a starting place) Whether you choose to label it or not label it something else, doesn't make it a day off from our faith, our message, or our instruction to our children. As long as you are holding every tradition, every act, and every deed up to the light of the Word and it proves valid, who cares what you label it? That is the point. 

Have a good CHRISTmas,  however you choose to celebrate!

Long stories made short, we have spent the last two weeks on the road. One week was for Thanksgiving and the other was for business (DH's work).  Through all this I have been dealing with a left leg that is twice the size of Rhode Island.  Clots have been ruled out, so that is good, but the finding out has been an ordeal. 

Then tonight, on the way home, our van went Kaput and I was barely able to steer it over to the side of the road (right by an unsavory bar/dive that was Packed on a Monday night!!).  The battery died and AAA still hadn't showed after two hours.  Someone tried to use a battery starter on it and it wouldn't hold the charge. We were tired and cold (all six of us!!)  The kids were over it and so was the Mama.  We finally got a  hold of a friend who came and tried to jump it off. It held the charge longer, but not long enough to get out of the parking lot.  AAA FINALLY got a tow truck there and they said that if he couldn't get it started, he could carry two of us home.  My friend could get my three girls (in car seats) and myself home, so we went ahead and took off. Ten minutes later, DH calls telling me that the tow truck driver had LEFT HIM AND MY 3 YEAR OLD SON in the cold, because, "He was only called for a battery boost and wasn't on a tow call!!"  WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?  So my friend said that she would go and get them after she dropped us off.  We both just reeled about how unkind that was and how mean it was.  Then he called back and said that the bar owner had come out and told him to move the car as it was to close to his entrance!!!!  HELLO!?!?!?!?!?!?

We got home and were waiting for DH and DS when my 5 yr old DD came in and said, "Mommy, I think that we should pray for the tow truck man. He must not know God if he left _______ and Daddy there like that. I was thinking that maybe tomorrow we should find him and tell him all about Jesus."  That was about the time my heart felt a strange mix of total joy that this little creature has so *gotten it* at such a young age and also a sense of sorrow that I had let myself be so bitter in front of her over the man's insensitivity to MY needs.  Hmmmm....She is the oldest of (soon to be) five little messengers God has given me.  I think that I have a LOT to learn from these littlest hearts : )

A little while ago, my 4 yr old DD did something not-so-nice to my 2 yr old DD. Without realizing the consequences, she did something to her that could have hurt her very badly.  After I calmed my little one down, I went to talk to my 4 yr old.  As I explained what she had done to her and gave her her disciplinary consequences for her sin, I saw no remorse.  That is an awful feeling.  I spoke to my DH and he reminded me that this child has shown a sense of remorse before and probably just really didn't realize the gravity of what she had almost done.  I hung up the phone and started to prepare lunch.  My 4 yr old came in withe her lip quivering and told me that she was sorry and that she didn't want to hurt her little sister. She even went on through tears to tell me of how much she loved watching her be silly and dance and that she would never want her to not be here.  I forgave her and she asked me if I would pray with her to ask God to forgive her.  I sat down with her at the table and she prayed a sweet prayer asking God to forgive her for specifically what she had done.  Then, my 2 yr old, the one that had been hurt and had been sitting at her chair at the table too, asked if she could pray.  Her standard prayer is, "Thank you God for Papa", but this time she said, "Deaw God, please FFFGVFGH  M.E. fo pooshin me. AMen"  It was so sweet and such a blessing to me today.  I called my husband and he said that he had taken a few minutes aside to pray for all of us after I had called and that he specifically prayed for Grace to rain on us all.  I would say that we got a shower :)

I have actually had a fairly easy time of getting up before my babes this week. I realize it is only Wednesday, but I am 3 for 3 so far.  We have gotten into a little routine of both Nathan and I getting up, making the bed, he goes and gets ready for his day (and makes coffee) while I spend time with the Lord.  Then I get showered, dressed, whatever and head out to be ready for the kiddos.  They have been getting up while I am with God, but it has been really neat to hear my oldest dd tell the youngers that, "Mommy is talking to God right now and will be out shortly."  I like that they are hearing that form her.  My stomach has been stable enough this week that I have also been able to take my prenatal vitamins.  This has been a HUGE difference in my energy levels.  I think I was a little (or a lot) anemic and that just makes EVERYTHING seem worse.   I haven't lost my cool with my darlings and I have been cool collected, and even prepared for DINNER every night this week when my hard-workin0man got home.  I haven't been fully coiffed, with make-up and bow in hair, butt hat was never my intention. He knows my day is long and hard.  Last night as I was setting the food onto the table, he came up and put his arms around me. He hugged me tight and said, "Thank you".  It was very sweet and refreshing to see him come home pleased with the state of his home and not tired or overwhelmed.  He has encouraged me to be lazy during this time that I have felt so badly, but it never made me feel any better when I see him so tired because of it.  As I told him then, I can't tell you how thankful to my Lord that I am to be feeling better now and ABLE to be there for my family. 

Enjoy your time with the Lord today!

This morning, my littlest blessing waddled into our room and went straight for my scrapbook desk. She pulled out the big blue Christmas scrapbook, not even knowing what it was.  One by one, my little ones tumbled into the bed as we read it; page by page.  It was such a great way to start our day.  The scrapbook starts with all of our traditions listed (with room for more that should come, because with growing families and distance to go sometimes, flexibility will always be a tradition) Then it dives into the year I was pregnant with my oldest. It carries through until my youngest's first Christmas (THANK GOD I HAD GOTTEN THAT FAR!!!).  They wanted to talk about every picture and were SO excited when we got to each year that they were introduced.  It was a lot of fun.  After we all finished, got dressed, and ate breakfast, I heard Graycen (my oldest) singing "...on Christmas Day in the Moooornin'!" 

I am not one to skip right over Thanksgiving and I am looking forward to spending time with family on that day too.  I just LOVE knowing that Christmas  is right around the corner!!! Don't you?

I wrote a lengthy blog yesterday about how I feel these days. It was kind of bitter and depressing, so I deleted it. Let me try this again. THis time it may seem very random to you, the reader, but it is a stream of thought that I am trying (I NEED) to be focusing on these days.  Bear with me.

I HAVE GOOD NEWS!!!!!

We had our 20 wk ultrasound and we are having another precious PINK bundle to add to our clan. She was healthy and moving all around.  Her name will be Annagail (which is a combination of my nickname from my sweet and my middle name) and Faith (which we just thought was just a perfect middle name for our little girl).  I am so happy that God is delivering her to us. Unless the Lord moves miraculous to change our hearts in the next four months, she will be our last pregnancy.  This is the first time in my life that the thought of that idea didn't make me weep. In fact, my body has been through so much with my 5 pregnancies in 6 years that I am looking forward to the idea of true physical healing.  Nathan and I came to this prayerful decision together, but after first searching and praying deeply by ourselves.  I am ready to feel whole for my husband, and for my children on a daily basis.

These 6 people that will fill my home are my God-given ministries . I have this mental picture in my mind of the last six years.  Nathan and I standing, holding hands, and accepting these gifts into our circle of "home".  With each one, we have linked their hands to ours and made a circle.  As a new blessing came, the smaller hands have opened and accepted the new blessing; making the circle bigger and bigger with each year and each baby.  Also with each baby came the weariness and emotional surges that new life brings.  At times it was difficult to look ahead. Also at times, we felt the pressure of those around us to stop looking up and to start looking at the world.  In our hearts, we knew that wasn't God's call on our family.  With the leadership of Nathan, we steadied our eyes upward.  Now, as Annagail arrives this Spring, the littlest hands of my two year old will take hers and our circle will be finished.  Now, we will continue to look and to grow upward together.  I love thinking of that.  I cannot say for sure that God won't deliver more children to us in other forms or fashion as the years go by or that our circle will never grow wider.  I just know, for certain, that my physical obedience has been fulfilled and my rewards have come in little, striped, hospital blankets. Now we can all hold tight to the hands we are holding and go forth fullfilling our ministry to His Kingdom together; a family that will testify to God's constant provision, Grace, and strength.

These days, my blessings tire me relentlessly through the day and sometimes even the night, but even when I am exhausted they are content to get a kiss on the forehead to reassure them that all is well in their world. They ask a million questions that don't always find answers, but they don't mind as long as I listen wholeheartedly to the questions.  They crawl in bed with me EVERY morning and "snuggle" until their turn is up and then they move over to make room for the next waking blessing.  They say the sweetest prayers that always include their Mama.  The hold on to their Daddy's leg when he leaves for work in an effort to keep him home with them, because even though he has to be obedient in his discipline of them,  to them he is the PERFECT playmate. They think that their Daddy is the strongest man in this world, but always point out that God is indeed stronger (to keep him humble). 

I love my family.  As hard as my life is right now, I love them SO much.  I am trying to look at each day as it's own mission for me, KWIM?  I am trying to let go of the idea that I have to have a PLAN for the week, month, or even sometimes the afternoon.  I have to relax and show them my faith in God through this difficult time of trial on my body.  I have to show them that NOT having a plan is okay sometimes and I think that it is okay.  In times like this, when Mama is sick as a dog a lot and Daddy is doing everything he can to compensate, I need to remind them that God planned this baby and that she is a blessing and a gift that we will all get to unwrap in a few months. These few hard months will seem like a blip on the screen when we are all together and able to stand in our circle and LOVE God together. 

I don't know what my life will be like in a few months with the addition of Annagail. I have done this enough to know that I will be very tired. I know that I will feel stretched too thin a lot.  I PRAY that I will remember to stay on my knees every morning and that when this is all said and done, that my children will see that their Mama and Daddy join hands and go to God in physically and emotionally hard times and that we recognize how weak we are without Him.   I am focusing NOW on the fact that guilt that I feel about not knowing what tomorrow will bring is just Satan trying to lie to me and keep me from leaning on God. 

I hope that you all are well. I have been reading blogs at least a few times a week. I just haven't been blogging myself lately.  I am feeling better than last week and the week before that, so I feel that this pregnancy will get better from here.  Thank you to those of you that have reached out to me to check on me. It has meant a lot.

My one-month-shy-of-two-year-old has entered her artistic phase and "decorated" two LARGE areas of wall in our rented townhouse.  Today, my "free" time is being spent washing walls, while trying not to take the paint completely off the walls.  Aye-y-eye-y-eye!!!!!!!!

Somebody PLEASE tell me that with this baby's birth I WILL gorw those extra arms, legs, ears, and possibly a few brain cells that I so desperately need now : )

We spent the weekend in Charleston with my family.  It was a nice weekend.  My brother was helping my Mother load up to move there on Saturday, so we had Friday night and Saturday (until the evening) to enjoy just as tourists.  We really ended up taking a nice relaxing morning with no schedule.  The kids played with my brother's dog : ) I don't know that they have ever been close to a dog as bog as a Yellow Lab, so that was like Six Flags for them : )  We had brunch and then hit the SC Aquarium.  It was a nice family outing.  We got a great picture of our family there that I will post later.  My little student, Graycen, was her usual self.  I had taken time to print out a schedule of special feedings and events at the aquarium before we left NC, so that we could make the most of our trip.  We sat through one half of the, very interesting, dive show with info about the Sea Turtles and Graycen stands up and says, " Can we please move on?!?!?!?!?!"  The other kids weren't really interested either, so we got up and left the "show".  As we made our way out, Graycen looked up at me and said, " I am sorry Mom, but I didn't come here for a "show".  I came here for FUN!!!"    It cracked me up.  There was a great touch tank where the kids got to hold hermit crabs and  spiny sea urchins.  That was neat, except that my four probably took a few years off of the little creatures' lives by dropping them back into the tank like rocks : P  I would also recommend bringing some towels (and maybe a little antibacterial) if you plan to use the touch tank.  We had wet sleeves and germie-hands for a little while until we found the restroom.

This trip also opened up some communication between my younger brother and I.  He and I were separated when I was 12, so it feels like I am really just getting to know him.  I knew that he had grown in his walk with Christ, but I don't think I had any idea the level to which he had grown. It really is amazing.  He and I were able to talk about painful things from our past and give each other perspective to help us each deal with hurt we each hold and are working hard to heal.  I spent the 4 1/2 hour ride home last night reliving that conversation and I really think that I have learned a lot in just the past day.

So, Happy Columbus Day! 

I am still battling fear daily during this pregnancy, but I think that light is winning more now : )  I changed OB's and that is making a big difference already. I just saw the new practice today.  They were thorough and had concerns that weren't raised by the other OB, but were shared by me. I think that was one of the big problems with my other OB.  They didn't care what I thought or what I was feeling really. I know, I know.  They are the Dr's. However, it is MY body and one that has done this four times before. I am the best expert on MY body where this is concerned.  They also had A TON of info regarding my thyroid and this pregnancy; another thing not addressed at all, despite my asking, by the old OB.  He seemed shocked that they hadn't performed some of the tests required for someone with thyroid issues when pregnant. 

It was still a regular OB practice and that WILL NEVER compare to the sweet, personal, and spiritual care of my Midwife in GA, Diane Tandy. ( I would recommend her to ANYONE in the Atlanta area that is looking for a great, Christian care giver during your pregnancy.)  But since midwifery isn't an option for me after the abruption, I pray that this practice is indeed the one that God intends to care for my baby and that He will bless all of us with ease and peace.

Thank you all for your sweet offers of prayer and concern for me and my family. I will take ALL OF THEM : )  We will have our level II u/s early next month, so we will know who will be joining our family : ) Is Pistachio a unisex name?!?!?!?!?!

After spending yet another night without sleep, because my heart was ( and is currently) beating out my chest so rapidly that it takes my breath, I am just an emotional wreck right now.  I am tired and sick. I am scared of dying having this baby and leaving my four beautiful children without a Mother. I am just being completely honest here.  I am overwhelmed and I am TERRIFIED.  SO far, the consensus seems to be that I will have a C-section at 36 weeks. That has me so worried, because what if the baby isn't ready?  What if I start contracting before then?  They don't want me to contract at all, but with my last two, I started contracting at 28 weeks along. I had my last two each a month early.  I am so scared of another abruption.  I am scared of even HAVING a C-section at all!!!!  I only have the one terrifying experience from my emergency C-section and everyone (medically) has said that it was a miracle that we survived that. It is hard to imagine a C-section happening any other way. 

I know that my anxiety is adding to my heart issues now and I spent all night trying to breath through and relax, but to no avail. I have had so many people come to me with "what ifs" and "are you prepared fors"  that I walk around like I am in a horror movie all the time.

I need to spend more time with the Lord, but I am failing at that.  I need to lean not on my own understanding, but I am wavering so badly from what I know right now  that I can't seem to find my way back to the refuge that has protected me so many times before.  I wish that I could just live through this pregnancy unaware of what COULD happen like I did before the abruption, but I am not finding that easy to do.  Every pain, every weird sensation has me wondering if that is the start of mine and my baby's end. 

Isn't that NUTS?!?!?!?!?!?!?! As much as I know it is, I can't seem to shake it.  The other night at bedtime my oldest came to me and said, " Mommy I need you to come down here so I can tell you something important.  I just wanted you to know that, whatever happens to you EVER, I will love you forever."  Of course, I waited until she left the room and then cried myself to sleep, Nathan said, "She isn't aprophet. She loves youa nd can tell YOU are worried".  That makes me sad too.

Please pray that I will be able to find my way back to my refuge in the Lord.

This is what my little three year old son came asking me this morning. This is how the conversation went:

Cooper:  Mommy, Are you a Doctor?

Mommy: No, honey, why?

Cooper (tearing up): Because Graycen (my 5 1/2 yr old) said that we were all gonna die!!!!

Mommy: WHAT?!?!?!?!

Cooper: Graycen told me that we were all dying!!!!!!

Mommy: You are fine honey. You are NOT dying!  Please ask your sister to come and see Mommy.

Graycen: Yes, Mom.

Mommy: Why on earth did you tell your little brother that he was going to die?!?!?!?!

Graycen: Actually Mother, I told him that they (Cooper, and my two other daughters) were going to die, BUT that if they had faith in Christ they would live.

Mommy: (holding back the HUGE grin that was starting to BUST OUT!!!) Well, Graycen honey that is true, but your brother is 3 years old.   You have to be careful that the person you are witnessing to is old enough to undersand. He is now fearful and he doesn't yet have the understanding to find His own faith in Christ.

Graycen: (literally rolling her eyes): Well, I guess I will go and tell him to forget I said it...for now. (and then under her breath as she walked through the door to go upstairs), but he IS going to die unless he has faith in Christ.

Well, as a fifth-time preggo Mom I do know that answer to that question, but it isn't helping right now.  This past week we had a stomach virus go around the house. We all seem to be fine now, but it wasn't fun. I am not sure if I got it or not, because I have been pretty sick from the pregnancy anyway.  I am approaching my 14th week, so only 22 to go until I hold my baby. 

 I am glad that schooling is on hold until our new "curriculum" comes in.  I am looking forward to doing My Father's World with the girls.  We decided to go ahead and purchase the K-5 deluxe package.  I think that my oldest could do the work in the 1st grade package and do great, but we decided that since we will need the Kindergarten stuff anyway.  WE are just going to let her go through the lessons at her own pace and if we have to buy the 1st grade materials in 6 months, then so be it.  We will have the K stuff when my 4 yr old is ready anyway.  It is so funny, but I am so excited about the butterfly garden and ant hill with live animals. I hope they survive shipping!!!

   Okay, so I had to put the emergency brakes on all of the WONDERFUL plans I had made for our homeschooling year.  As wonderful and organized as I thought they were, my little, new student didn't share the awe.  In fact, she was miserable . She wasn't challenged. She wasn't engaging. She was just not enjoying it at all.  Everything I had planned was great for my 4 yr old. She loved it.  But my 5 yr old, the one I was focusing on this year, just wasn't buying it.  So after much prayer and conversation with Nathan, we decided to back up and regroup.  We are ordering My Father's World  for her and starting over as soon as it gets here. 

   I asked some questions regarding our experience on some of the message boards I visited and I got a lot of great feedback.  I was mostly advised to keep on keeping on with what we were doing and that she would eventually engage.  I thought about that, but knowing my daughter like I do and having talked it over with my husband, we just really feel like she may already have the K-5 skills under her belt and needs to be challenged a bit more and with a bit more structure. She was starting to HATE the idea of homeschooling and I didn't want our first year to put a bad taste in her mouth for learning.  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the Five in A Row series and I hope to continue to use it with anything we do now or in the future.  For now though, with a baby coming, MaJoR "morning" sickness still in full throttle, and lots of changes to come in the next few months, we think that more structure is needed for everyone. 

  So, I am not on the computer as much these days as it makes me sick to read on the screen.  I try and check my friends page at least every other day.  Sorry for not commenting though.  My prayer is that I start to feel a lot better before the MFW package comes. I would love to not have to bolt from a lesson to run to the bathroom every half and hour