Choosing Joy

I am a member of Sonlight forums, have been since 2004, and it is a wonderful blessing. Most of the time. But this weekend was the "Big Fat Meetup" in California, and I wasn’t able to go. And I missed the one last year, too. Dh’s work schedule just doesn’t match up with this sort of thing.

I remember these feelings from last year. An outsider looking in the window, watching the festivities, but unable to walk in and join them. It is really hard – I am an active member of the forums, have several friends there who I have met IRL, and right now is a flurry of posts about it. While I truly am happy for them that they were able to attend, I feel pretty empty about it, and am having a hard time sorting through all of these feelings.

-I realized this morning, and admitted out loud to the Lord, that I feel entitled to going. I also feel like every time there is one of these, and I don’t attend, that I am distancing myself more and more from the general crowd. I am not in on their jokes, stories, giggles, memories. And that hurts. And now the talk is of the one next year, but already I am seeing that there is very little chance of my going then, too.

-So how do I deal with these thoughts/feelings? Stuff them down inside, just quietly creep away until the hubbub is over, and then go on w/the day to day stuff? Those people are my friends – I have few IRL friends, and the one I usually have "phone therapy" with is a BFM attendee, so she really isn’t the one to hear me on this. I have several other difficult emotional things swirling around in my mind right now, that is feels weighty to think about this, too.

These scriptures come to mind:

Why so downcast, o my soul? Put your hope in God!

May the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in Your sight, o Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer

Cast your cares on the Lord, for He cares for you

You will keep in perfect peace, him whose mind is steadfast on You.

please excuse the lack of verse references. I was just taking a walk and thinking about all of this. The thoughts are there, so instead of just glossing over them and reciting verses, I talked to God about it all. About how I know it is not a good thing to have self-pity, how I am sad over it all, how it hurts, but at the same time I need to remember the Lord is good, His mercy endures forever, and that He is enough for me, no matter the circumstances. And HE IS. I belong to Him; Jesus is reason enough to get out of bed in the morning. And He cares for me, for my hurts, but also wants me to keep my eye on HIM.

wow, I have NO time to blog anymore…I have no time to do anything anymore…And we don’t even do outside activities except for church. What has happened? We moved to NC, so lots of stress packing, moving, unpacking. Add in lots of birthdays, 3 girls who are now homeschooled, being a mom and wife and homemaker and child wrangler,  a trip to Disney, life, life, and more life – and it is now almost a full year. I wish I had more time!!!

Now, I am attacking the zebra wallpaper in our master bathroom, trying to move away from African Safari to a more calm theme So another project, to take up my time.

But I have to add, thanks be to God, that  I love my life, I love what the Lord is doing, and I love who I am!

It has been 6 months since I was here! Wow, how life has kept me busy. I have finished renovations on our house in WV, we sold our house (all praise to the Lord for how quickly that happened!), had an offer accepted on a house in NC, and at the end of July, will be finishing up our year here in FL and moving north again. My girls are growing up so fast – my youngest will be 5 in August!

But enough about all of that. I have had lots of times to think about the title of my blog And I still have SO much to learn about choosing JOY in the midst of everything in my life and the lives of others. I found a web page about joy, and it included this quote: "Without Christ in me, I could never choose joy".  That is so true.

I might have shared this before, but a website that has been such a help is "In Christ I am…" And I like (and need!) to meditate on one truth each day – it helps me to keep focused on the Lord, on who He says I am, not listening to myself or the world tell me who I need to be! Today’s – In Christ, I am God’s child – and if I think about my own dc, and how I feel about them, about how I love to see them, love to watch them enjoy life (we saw fireworks for their very first times last night!), how I love to comfort them when sick or afraid or sad, how they can lean back against me or my dh and feel safe – all of that is SO MUCH MORE when referring to God as my Father, and me as His child.

I had the most amazing conversation tonight with her. She will be 7 in November. And this yr, these past 4 months or so, have been very hard for me w/her. She has been defiant, angry, very difficult at times. And yet, there are other times of sweetness and joy and cuddling. I have been praying a lot lately, asking God for wisdom, reminding myself that He has her in His hands, asking Him to move in her little heart.

Tonight, she was reading her bible before bed – usually she reads, and then reads to me and we talk a bit. She came racing in to me and told me God had led her to psalm 100 and 118. So I went in to her room, she read both to me, and then I asked her what spoke to her in those, what she liked, etc. And it took a while for her to put it in to words, but she basically said that it encourages her when she disobeys, it helps her to not be angry at herself. And then she said that the passages about singing for joy, gladness, praising all made her feel “like the moments after I tell you I did something wrong – like my heart is bursting with joy.”

Isn't that a lovely idea/description? We are so burdened w/our sin, and then we confess, and there is a lightness, a joy, a fullness in Christ.

And then, after a lot of talking, she told me she still felt like God was calling her to be a missionary nurse. We pray for a missionary in Asia tha tis imprisoned; we have talked about why. And she said, “Mom, God is calling me to do that. And if I get put in to prision for talking about Jesus, then I will be strong and courageous”

well, I have never thought, as a mother, about the true implications of a missionary daughter. It was exciting, scary, wonderful, horrible all at the same time. I did not grow up in a Christian home , so a lot of this is foreign to me. But if that is what the Lord is calling her to do, then blessings and prayers and love and joy will accompany her!

This is a hard road, raising children, needing constant wisdom and strength and His grace. But it is a wonderful place to be!

Thanks for listening