If your children are still in the Grammar Stage of their sex education (between 0-6 years of age), the question of waiting to have sex – or why sex is something only for adults or grown-ups – may naturally come up.
If it does, don’t panic! This can be a very healthy and important conversation to have, and the earlier, the better. (See more ideas on navigating sex ed for young children here.)
While you can answer in a variety of ways, here are some helpful and practical options to adapt for specific situations (remember, this should be the subject of multiple conversations over the years!):
Reason #1: “One flesh” in age-appropriate language.
For Christians to tackle sex education in a comprehensive and meaningful way, we need to learn how to distill big-picture, biblical concepts into a few sentences. No easy feat!
That’s why I’ll happily copy the same approach that my mom used when I asked her a variation of this question as a young child. She could have launched into a stilted, half-embarrassed, formal way of how the Bible says that when two people are joined together in marriage, they become “one flesh.” (It is important, by the way, to know what the Bible says about sex education – you can read more about that here.)
Instead, she smiled at me.
“Sex is a wonderful thing,” she said. “It’s becoming one with the person you love.”
That was pretty much the end of the conversation, because it satisfied my young brain even if I didn’t fully understand all the ramifications of it. In that case, I remember thinking as I walked off, I can’t have sex yet since I don’t know the person I’m going to love like that!
Reason #2: Our bodies’ physical development.
Explaining the process of growing up can help to take some of the mystery, awkwardness, or even fear out of it. For example, we defined “puberty” pretty early for our children as the process of changing from a child to an adult.
Books such as The Usborne Complete Book of the Human Body go into some detail about how hormones and other factors will influence the process, which can help as a potential read-aloud to children. (Even though the recommended age range is grades 4-8, I thought it appropriate to read to little children as well. While it does mention sexual intercourse in the section called “Conception and birth,” it is done in a neutral way that can lead to more healthy, value-specific discussions within the family.)
Reason #3: Babies! You must be older than a baby to have a baby.
There is a reason why Adam and Eve were created fully mature before God commanded them to be “exceedingly fruitful and multiply”!
One of the long-term results of sexual relations is the possibility of giving life to another human being. If your child has interactions with other younger children than themselves on a regular basis, you can always point out how dependent these younger children are (I’m thinking toddlers and younger) on their parents and caregivers for basic needs such as food, shelter, ongoing care and supervision, etc.
Such demands and responsibility can be incredibly taxing even for mature adults, let alone young children!
Reason #4: Long-term consequences of the sexual union (psychological, physical, etc.).
The Biblical view of marriage explains how it was designed to be a lifelong covenant to be broken only by death (and only later, by divorce once sin had entered the world).
Some Pharisees came and tested [Jesus] by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?”
“What did Moses command you?” he replied.
They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.”
“It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied. “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”” (Mark 10:2-12, NIV)
Young children may need to understand how divorcing or leaving someone after a sexual union with them can be very difficult emotionally and mentally. Studies have suggested divorce and separation are associated with increased anxiety and depression.
Additionally, divorce hurts the children involved even though they may have had no influence or power over their parents’ choices. Scientific, data-backed research concludes that “divorce has been shown to diminish a child’s future competence in all areas of life, including family relationships, education, emotional well-being, and future earning power” (Anderson J. The impact of family structure on the health of children: Effects of divorce. Linacre Q. 2014 Nov;81(4):378-87. doi: 10.1179/0024363914Z.00000000087. PMID: 25473135; PMCID: PMC4240051.)
You may also want to consider introducing the topic of sexually transmitted diseases depending on specific family situations (e.g. if a close relative or friend is suffering from this). I remember my mom explaining HIV/AIDS to me when I was still young, saying that some illnesses are transmitted not like a cough or cold through the air, but through blood or sexual intercourse.
Reason #5: Our bodies have a spiritual component to them.
To me it’s always fascinating to read 1 Corinthians 6:17-20 (NIV):
But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.
What does that mean exactly? I’ve read that over and over again throughout my life, and I still feel as though I’m only beginning to plumb the depths of the richness of meaning in this passage.
For a very young child, however, I would boil this down to several key points (all these need to be prefaced by “As Christians, we believe…”):
- There is more to life than what we can see with our eyes, hear with our eyes, touch with our hands, taste with our mouths, and smell with our noses. (This may also be a great side-introduction to the five senses!) We believe there is a spiritual world that cannot be physically touched.
- God created the physical world, and that includes our bodies. Because of Jesus’ death and resurrection on the cross, everyone who accepts Jesus as Lord and Savior must also submit everything they are to Him, including their bodies.
- Honoring God with our bodies means glorifying Him with everything we are, think and do. This goes far beyond just having sex. It also extends to our thought life, our hearts, our actions.
Whew! Needless to say, I don’t expect or recommend that you bring all 5 of these reasons out at once to a very young child, since it may be too overwhelming and big to process all at once. However, you can introduce these at the times and places that you think appropriate, adapting and tweaking as needed.
Do you have other thoughts or comments to share on how to answer this question? Feel free to let us know in a comment or contact us directly!
