Being proactive vs. reactive in discussing issues with our children

I saw this recent post in one of the Facebook Christian parenting groups I’m a part of:

Why can’t kids have just plain innocent park time anymore? My mother in law took my 11 year old and 3 year old to the park. Apparently my daughter met a 10 year old there and this girl proceeded to tell my daughter she hates Christians… because she is bisexual and pansexual and that her mom is a Christian and is against that… but her mom doesn’t know. Seriously, this is what our kids are learning in public schools. Not only are they learning this but they are being told not to discuss this with their family.

My kids are homeschooled and my daughter didn’t know those terms but does now because a 10 YEAR OLD , told her. I guess I am going to have to be present at all park plays now”

While there are so many things to discuss in this post, I just wanted to focus on one specific topic. Ideally, all sexually related topics would come to our children through a trusted, God-honoring source. I think as Christian parents, we can all agree this would be ideal.

However, we live in a world where that is becoming increasingly difficult, if not impossible. My recommendation would be to accept the premise instead that we the parents must prepare for such incidents to come up and to have a game plan to be proactive in educating our children about sexual topics.

This is in contrast to a reactive approach, where we simply respond to these topics after they’ve already been introduced to our children without our knowledge, consent, or preparation.

Of course, none of us can accurately predict or prepare for every situation or challenge that comes our way. There may be times when we end up reacting to situations that were out of our control, or things we simply didn’t even know we didn’t know! Please don’t take on extra, unnecessary guilt over situations that are already behind you.

Instead, think of this as an encouragement to begin planning and preparing now so our sex ed approach can be primarily proactive, instead of primarily reactive.

proactive vs. reactive approach to sex education

Proactive Tip #1: Start the conversation.

It always strikes me in Proverbs that the parents typically begin sexual ed conversations with their children (see, for example, Proverbs 5, Proverbs 7, and Proverbs 31:2-3). These take place in the form of warnings, stories, and vivid descriptions.

My parents also followed this example of bringing up conversations relating to sexual matters when we were young children, and also throughout our teenage years. They weren’t all somber and warning us of dire consequences if we didn’t follow their advice! Many times, they were very open and transparent with us about the pleasures and joys awaiting us once we were married. (Ha!)

If we had questions that came up naturally during the conversations, it was always a safe space for us to ask. No question was ever considered “off-limits” within our family.

Proactive Tip #2: Be open about your biases.

We need to recognize that we are approaching sexual education from a distinctly Christian viewpoint, and communicate that to our children. I find myself more and more using the contextual phrase: “As a Christian, I believe the Bible says…” to my children as they grow older. I’ve already established to them that I view the Bible as the inspired, infallible Word of God, so that means I will obey Biblical teaching and instruction ahead of anything that other people may say or think.

However, my children also know that other people may not be Christians and may not view the Bible as inspired or infallible. It follows naturally, then, that these people will come to different conclusions about sex and the purpose of sex from what the Bible says. And they also know that we don’t expect them to believe, or act, in the same way that we would – since we believe totally different things.

Proactive Tip #3: Discuss differences early.

Personally, I believe sexual education can begin with very young children and be age-appropriate as they develop (see some tips here).

That way, they’re less likely to be caught off guard if a “park situation” occurs like the one described above, because they may already have heard some of the current terminologies of their generation. For example, I learned many sexually related terms through my mom (with a lot of caveats and context!) before I heard them mentioned by my peers.

This helped me immensely in not feeling so awkward and “naive” around people my age, but it also helped ground me in my Christian faith as a child and (later) young adult.

Do you have any sex ed tips to share with us? Let us know in the comments or contact us – we’d love to hear your thoughts!

Share this post:

X (Twitter) Facebook Pinterest LinkedIn Email Telegram SMS

2 comments

Stephanie says:

May 15, 2023 at 2:37 pm

Great tips here, Shanxi! I like the approach of open communication, even though it can feel a bit uncomfortable for both sides, mostly to begin with. When we make that a regular conversation, it gets to be easier though. I also like have books for my boys to get appropriate information from. We use these books to spark up conversations together, but I also like that they can have this resource available to them to look through on their own.

1. Shanxi says:
  
  July 5, 2023 at 9:22 pm
  
  Thanks so much, Stephanie! Yes, I agree that having books can help make these conversation-starters easier to happen. It may feel overwhelming, sometimes, to think about discussing these issues on the fly. Having even an outline or some sort of structure of themes/topics to discuss can help.